I would appreciate any thoughts and opinions. I do have a habit of "over thinking" things so bear with me.... Also if I give too much away it may identify me, so I will necessarily try to keep things a bit general, if thats OK.
Several years ago I lost my DH suddenly. It was like having my heart ripped out, to be honest, thats the only way I can describe it. I had 3 DSCs (adults) with whom I walked the tightrope between trying to build a loving relationship because that was really what I wanted but yet not to force myself into their lives or making them feel obliged to like me. I enjoy making efforts to make the relationships feel special, I did what I could. I also felt some sense of admiration that they accepted me at all, but then again I did feel from time to time they were putting up with me and I wasnt wanted on voyage. Step parenting is a tightrope we walk, often we cant do right for doing wrong, as was the case with them sometimes, and emotions could flip from one extreme to the other, but hey I accepted the rough with the smooth.
Within the year following my DHs death, it was as if the glue that held my relationship with them together had evaporated, and in short two of those relationships are now non-existent. The other DSC lives very far away but I do enjoy a warm occasional contact with that person, they are easy to chat to, as equals. There had been a sense of coldness with DHs other DCs even during the time we were together, looking back I wonder if they just hid it because their DHs presence was moderating it. Without DH there, I felt as though the resentment that they may have felt (but hidden) did come to the surface. I don't blame them, or think they were bad and I am good. Life just isnt like that! So anyway after a lot of soul searching I realised that the relationships felt negative and (perhaps triggered by DHs death) I increasingly felt "time to let go, they don't need to feel obliged to keep in touch". They are getting on with their lives with their own families which I am pleased about. I dont believe they feel any great sense of loss that I am not in their lives. I would wish it could be different but maybe any bond I wished for was only ever a figment of my imagination and wishful thinking. In amongst all this, me losing my DH made me very vulnerable and I couldn't tough things out, I had had the stuffing knocked out of me. So, it has been about 4 years since we have been in touch, we have all scattered in opposite directions and part of me feels very sad, part of me has felt reconciled that it is the right thing to do, having been apart so long it would be inappropriate to get in touch and it may do more harm than good.
I am the sort of person who, if I feel that the feelings are unrequited, I would rather withdraw (not in a sulk) but just because I believe in relationships that by and large are positive and make people feel happy are the best, and those somewhat negative ones where people just constant rub each other the wrong way are better to let go of.
Today, I found out some news that has made me think twice, but I am still undecided. I found out that their mother has been very ill, still having treatment, and I wonder whether any good can come from me getting in touch to say I am sorry, and just give some moral support. Again, part of me thinks its not going to help, they may not even realise I know, and yet, my sense of love is coming to the surface (especially as we did have happy times as every family has in greater or lesser measures!). maybe I'll just get the complete cold shoulder and wish I had not contacted them!
Should I just stay well away, not stir up any negative emotions they may have, or could it be of any help during this difficult time to know I am thinking of them and maybe they might see things differently these days?
Thanks for reading this, and I appreciate your advice x