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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I'm a disgusting person I know, please tell me how to move forward

31 replies

Fairy130389 · 16/07/2013 16:54

I have been looking after my dsd for nearly 4 years, she lives with us full time. I ave always felt lik e she was mine and loved her like I would y own child. I have been fully involved in schooling, appointments etc...

I have recently had my own baby, heis now 3 weeks old. I don't know if. Is the sleep deprivation or what but I feel like I'm going mad. I can now barely look at my step daughter. I don't want her near my baby. She is constantly arguing with everythingi say which I know is ecause of my attitude towards her.i have tried so hrd to not let her know but how can she not? On top of it all we can't send any quality time together because f the baby so can't mend anything... I m constantly shouting t her and I can see tat she hates me... I feel so hostile towards her... Please please don't give e the wicked sm stuff,I know how wrong all this is but I can't ove forward and I am at my wits end. She is 8 btw

OP posts:

PrettyPaperweight · 16/07/2013 17:02

fairy this is perfectly normal

congratulations on your new baby, and please, please give yourself a break!

Plenty of new mums find it hard to deal with the demands of an older sibling when they are getting to grips with a new baby, and for you it is so much harder because this is your first baby, and yet you have an older child to care for as well!

You haven't mentioned your DP/DH at all - he really needs to get involved in care of both DC's to give you a break. Perhaps he could give your baby a bath while you read a bedtime story to your DSD? She needs one-to-one time with both of you - and so does your new arrival!

You are not wrong to feel like this, not a wicked stepmum (although I wear the badge with pride) and remember that children are very forgiving! Have a chat with your HV - she'll reassure you that this is a perfectly normal phase in being a new mum!

Jan45 · 16/07/2013 17:09

Poor you, what a shame but sounds to me like you are struggling and need help, can you get your DP to help out more?

Congratulations btw, and things will get better...

brdgrl · 16/07/2013 17:10

Your baby is 3 weeks old. Give yourself a break. (And congratulations, by the way.)

When my DD was three weeks old, I didn't want anyone around, frankly. DP maybe, but there were times I nearly took his head off. I felt awful about it, but then, I also felt, well, awful. Stitches, soreness, learning how to BF.

I did not want my DSCs around for more than very short visits (at the time, we lived separately, so my now-DH visited baby and I, and the kids came along on some of those visits). I wanted to be with my DD, and when she was sleeping, I wanted to clean my house, read, or possibly speak on the phone.

Give it time. What is your DP/DH doing? I sincerely hope you are not the one providing primary care for your DSD at the moment?

ThingummyBob · 16/07/2013 17:15

I don't agree at all actually.

Presumably you have had a few months notice of your baby arriving yet you have stated you don't want dsd near 'your daughter' (note you didn't say 'her sibling') and that you are expressing hostility towards her.

She's 8 ffs and you are a grown up. I sincerely hope you are not primary caregiver to the poor 8 year old.

brdgrl · 16/07/2013 17:20

thingummy, presumably she's had nine months or so of notice - what on earth does that have to do with it?

The baby is OP's daughter. It isn't particularly notable that she chose to use that phrasing - most new mums say things like "my baby" and "my daughter" a lot; this is about pride and protectiveness - perfectly normal and sometimes overwhelming feelings for a new mum. Sure, "her sibling" would be fine; "her half-sibling" would be more accurate than that, but again, there is equally nothing wrong with saying "my daughter".

PrettyPaperweight · 16/07/2013 17:25

you are expressing hostility towards her.

I expressed hostility towards my own DD at the weekend, and I don't even have baby hormones, or lack of sleep to blame for it! Yes, I am her primary carer, and I'm sure she would love people to feel sorry for her because her Mum is mean and mad at times!

Parents (and step-parents) sometimes get mad at their DC's, especially if they've just had a new baby - if you don't believe me, read around the forum, sit in the local park, spend time at the checkout of your local supermarket - it's pretty common, honest!

brdgrl · 16/07/2013 17:27

Yes, I'm sure I "expressed hostility" towards my own DD a good few times this week...

ThingummyBob · 16/07/2013 17:27

The tiredness etc is to be expected is my point about having notice

Its all very well and good that the OP may recognise she is being hostile, but still.

She is being unkind to her 8 year old resident dsd since the birth of her own child. It couldn't be more of a wicked step-mother cliché really.

ThingummyBob · 16/07/2013 17:30

aah well, if you're expressing hostility towards your own dc too then it must be ok

Don't worry Op. Your step daughter will have to suck it up. Its normal to express hostility/constantly shout at all/any resident children so its all ok then.

brdgrl · 16/07/2013 17:32

Yes, a total cliche..Wicked stepmother, is it?
What shall we call it, then, in the households where a "proper" mum, 3 weeks post-partum, yells at her 8 year-old for arguing with her?

Oh, right - "normal."

PrettyPaperweight · 16/07/2013 17:33

Its normal to express hostility/constantly shout at all/any resident children so its all ok then.

Yes, it is perfectly normal for a new mum to be short-tempered with their DC's, DP, iLaws, parents and random visitors who turn up.

The OP is feeling bad enough about it without being castigated for it thingummy. Hop on over to the baby boards and give all those other new mums a hard time, why don't you?

AnotherStitchInTime · 16/07/2013 17:37

I don't agree either, I still managed to be nice to my older dd after I had dd2 by EMCS. Sure tiredness can make you snappy, but this is more than that. You don't even want to look at her or have her around the baby. How are you coping apart from that? Could you have PND?

When you have a second child, the older one needs reassurance. It is a massive change in their life as well as yours. It is well known that older children can act up more as they adjust to the new status quo. It is just a phase and if you can involve her more she will feel included and be less attention seeking. She is 8, she can be very useful fetching nappies, changing the baby with supervision, passing the muslin or the biscuits. I trained my 3 year old to be my little helper when I had my second. Praise her for the small things and she will ease up on the locking horns.

To all purposes you are her mum, she looks at you in that way and probably misses your one on one time. When your ds sleeps try to do something nice with her, even if it is just reading a book. It is not easy for her so try not to take it too personally when she acts up, that is what children sometimes do.

aturtlenamedmack · 16/07/2013 17:42

Your post isn't very helpful thingummy
Op isn't looking for vindication, she doesn't like the way she is feeling, is regretful, and is asking for help to move forward with her situation, whether you thing she is a wicked stepmum or not is irrelevant.
Op I agree that a bit more time alone with dsd might be helpful, can your partner play with/bath the baby while you spend some time with dd.
Try not yo beat yourself up about the situation. You have recognised that things need to change, focus on taking a few positive steps to improve things and give yourself a bit of a break.

Bonsoir · 16/07/2013 17:43

It is normal, healthy human mother behavior to want an exclusive relationship with your firstborn and not to be able to care for other people's children in the early weeks.

brdgrl · 16/07/2013 17:45

Anotherstitch, that's good advice about involving the older child and maybe worth trying.

I do think though that while you may have 'managed to be nice' (which is lovely for you and your family), it is quite common for new mums to struggle, and the OP could use some compassion rather than judgement. We don't know her circumstances, maybe there are reasons you found it easier than she does - even if those reasons are just down to temperment, it isn't really very kind or helpful to say to someone "I could do it, why can't you?"

OP has also been asked about her partner; I really think that is a critical question here. PND is worth considering, but really, this could also just be a case of a new mum beating herself up unnecessarily for quite natural feelings and behaviour. I for one would like to see her get support, instead of further beatings.

nkf · 16/07/2013 17:46

The myth that you think of her as your own child has been exposed now you have your own child. Nightmare situation all round really. Time for dad to step up and look after his daughter I'd say.

brdgrl · 16/07/2013 17:51

The myth that you think of her as your own child has been exposed now you have your own child.

How very very nasty. And how presumptuous.

brdgrl · 16/07/2013 17:53

Saw my sister lose patience with her older kid the other day...she was trying to read with the toddler and he was being annoying. She told him off. I guess she doesn't love him anymore, now that the cuter new model has come along.

At least, that's what I said to her.

AnotherStitchInTime · 16/07/2013 17:57

I am not 'beating' her, just pointing out that something is not right. Yes annoyance and shouting is normal, but this is more than that. To not manage to be nice some of the time to a child who is like your own is not right. This is not me being "I could do it, why can't you", the OP needs to get some support from her DP, HV, GP. If this continues it will possibly cause longer term damage to the relationship with her dsd, making everything more difficult.

Raising the possibility of PND is helpful, if the OP does have other symptoms then it might lead her to getting some help sooner rather than it spiralling.

OP I hope you get the support you need. Please speak to your DP, get him to take up the slack a bit, talk to your HV and GP.

brdgrl · 16/07/2013 18:05

the OP needs to get some support from her DP, HV, GP.

Yes, I agree with you there, stitch.

ubik · 16/07/2013 18:07

I've not been in your situation but practical advice:

You eight year old Dsd is obvioulsy confused and sad at your change in attitude.

You need to put your big girl pants on and try to put your feelings aside. A key might be to start to praise your DsD as 'being good with the baby', encourage her to build a relationship with her sibling, "you are so good at singing her songs, she really likes that." "You are so helpful, could you get me a nappy," etc etc

Also don't be afraid to put TV/Computer on when needed.

Otherwise I'm sure others who have been through this will have some other advice

Original poster

Fairy130389 · 16/07/2013 18:07

thanks for the replies. Just to clarify, I am 'managing to be nice' - but my feelings are what is bothering me. DH has mentioned possibility of visit to GP as I am extremely tearful, I just feel like I have become absolutely obsessive about the baby and I flit between feeling resentful of the baby for making everything change and resentful of DSD (and DH!) for interrupting time with DS...

I know what I am feeling is not normal or pleasant, hence why I am on here, do you really think that if I didn't love and want the best for my step daughter I would bother to lay myself bare for the obligatory flaming?!

DH has, whilst on paternity leave, taken over pretty much all care of dsd, I cant fault him on that.

I have just had a chat with dsd about the reasons why I have been snappy and we have sat painting our nails whilst dad watches the baby.

OP posts:

lastnightidreamt · 16/07/2013 18:13

I think it's pretty normal to feel like this - don't blame it on the 'step' issue. My DCs drove mad when I had a newborn - you're tired and irritable.

Plus 8 year olds can be pretty awful (own current experience) at the best of times. They are pushing every boundary going.

My advice would be to ride it out, hide your feelings from your DSD, and things will get better over the next few weeks. It will work itself out.

PrettyPaperweight · 16/07/2013 18:16

I have just had a chat with dsd about the reasons why I have been snappy and we have sat painting our nails whilst dad watches the baby.

fairy That tells it's own tale - if you were a WSM, abnormal, or a cliche, then you wouldn't be able to do that -you would be eaten up with the resentment and misery that some posters on here are trying to attribute to you.

Of course you will be snappy, of course your DSD will be argumentative, of course you feel like the whole world is intruding on your time with your precious first born baby. Many (but clearly not all) mothers have felt like this.

ubik · 16/07/2013 18:17

Aw, Fairy, you sound lovely.i think a trip to the GP might help you

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