Bedrooms in a blended family

[Gangle]

DP and I are engaged and planning to marry next spring at which point he and his two DCs, 7 and 10, will move in with me and my DSs, 5 and 3. DP is understandably reluctant to move into my house as it used to be where I lived with ex DH and he says it doesn't feel like his but, financially, it makes sense to stay put plus we ideally need 5 bedrooms, which the house has, and if we move would be unlikely to be able to find or afford a 5 bedroom house due to moving costs and scarcity of 5 bed houses where we live. At the moment my DSs have a big room each. There is a big (double) spare room and a smaller double/single room which his children would have. He has them 50% of the time so they would spend Weds-Fri nights with us. DP is not happy that one of his DCs would have a smaller room. It is much smaller that the others but still a good size. In addition, DP currently has a one bedroom flat and when his DCs are with him they share a room (he sleeps on the floor of their room when they stay) and they also share a room at his ex's so they would already be better off as they will at least have a room each especially as his daughter is 10 and really needs her own room rather than sharing with her dad/brother. I can understand that DP wants them all to be treated equally but do feel he is being a bit precious and unreasonable over this especially as his DSs are only there 50% of the time. In addition, I own the house and when he moves in he has no equity or other money to contribute. We will probably remortgage then but I will still own and be paying for 80% of the house. We did start to look at other houses in case we do decide to move but DP seems to think that all DCs need to have an equal size room each even though his DCs are there 50% of the time. Am I being unfair? I feel very strongly that I don't want to move in any event. Seems pointless to waste time and money and go through all that stress and hassle just DP feels more at home. I think also that I feel more secure staying in my own place. Again, am I being unreasonable and selfish to be reluctant to move? I do understand DP's feelings on this but just seems like too great a risk for me and my DCS, especially having just been through a difficult divorce where I fought tooth and nail to stay in this house.

First up - if you aren't in agreement on this - then wait.

The DC each get their own room - no matter what size. That is a step up to start with.

Is the main issue that they are moving into your family home? Your DP feels uncomfortable that it isn't a new shared home?

Yoni, yes it is but DP is still willing to do it but it sometimes feels like because of that, I have to compromise on other things, if you see what I mean. It's not that we are not in agreement about rooms etc - I am just trying to work out what it is reasonable so that I can decide whether to broach the subject with him.

It isn't unreasonable for your DC to keep their existing rooms and for his DC to have the remaining rooms. Decorate them nicely, with their input - and bingo.

fwiw I moved in with my (now) DH. The house was his family home, with his XP and DC. He bought her out, and kept the house. (she couldn't keep it as doesn't work and could not have paid a mortgage). When me and my DS moved in - we had a total re-shuffle. His DSs had to share the large room. My DS got the smallest room and me and DH shared the mid sized room. Not ideal at all - and his boys didn't really like sharing.

We didn't sell up and move - as we liked the house and area. But there is always the nagging feeling of it not being 'our' house, bought together - no memories of XP.

It can be tricky setting up home as a blended family.

I think he is being ridiculous, to be honest.

He's not bringing any money into the equation to facilitate what he is requesting.
The house sounds like a perfect size to fit everyone in.
His DCs are only with you 50% of the time anyway.
I have never seen a 5 bed house where the bedrooms are all the same size!!

I can understand that he may desire a new property due to links to your ex, but this is ridiculous. He can't afford to contribute properly to his ill conceived requirements.

Do you think he's angling for you to reorganise the bedrooms so his Dc get the larger rooms?

Thanks Beckamaw, am afraid that is my feeling too - that he is being more than a bit cheeky. They will still have way more space than they currently have and he is contributing zero. Just worry that he is going to use it as, poor DCs, having to move here, they should have X, Y and Z because they are the ones having to move and because DSS has a smaller room. It's still a lovely room which can fit a double bed!!

Your own children should stay in their rooms. I wouldn't budge on this if I were you.

It's nonsense.
Your DC may be smaller, but they have ALL of their things at your house, whereas presumably his DCs also have space/ rooms with their mother? They are also only physically needing the rooms for 50% of the time. It's a no brainer!

He also needs to remember that your children are also enduring an upheaval, with having to share their Mum and home. Making them feel 'pushed out' is likely to disrupt sleep patterns and behaviours, which won't be nice for anyone.

He sounds a bit 'entitled' to me, I'm afraid.

Why don't you let him do some house hunting - tell him you will happily consider moving and does he want to short list a few properties that fit the criteria. I can guarantee he will never find a house with 4 same size bedrooms for all children and may make him realise that it is not going to happen he may then start to see what his real issues are.

I too think your DP is being unreasonable and unrealistic. His DCs could also continue sharing as they share everywhere else, in the bigger double bedroom. You may find this is what they even want to do. I don't think it would be fair to ask either of your children to move bedroom, unless one of them harbours a desire for a different room of course! If you force them to move, they will resent their step siblings for it.

I presume your DCs are with you, but stay with their dad EOW? If so, they are at the house far more than DP's DC's.

We also have 4 DCs between us. We did move, and managed to find a house with 6 bedrooms so the kids have one each. But neither of us lived in a house big enough for us all before we moved in together. Our 4's bedrooms aren't equally sized, but there also isn't one teeny tiny room and other huge ones with ensuite either! None of ours have ever said anything about it.

I think your bigger problem may be your DP's approach to this. You need to have this ironed out before you all move in together. It sounds as though he is potentially very precious, and possibly over-compensating. This would worry me far more than the bedroom issue. Will he treat your children fairly, or will his always take priority? If the latter, this will lead to much resentment.

When I moved into my old house (as a then single parent)with two DCs aged 8 and 4 I offered my 8 year old the choice of a large room, that his younger Dsis would be allowed to use to play in too sometimes, or a small room (really quite a tiny room) that would be his and private and not for anyone else to play in and he jumped at the chance of the small tiny room. Would guess your DP's 10 year old might well feel much the same, especially if she'd be moving in as the eldest of 4.

But I do think you need to listen to your DP's concerns about moving into your house. I moved into my DP's house a year ago - the house where his DCs were born, and he used to share with his DW, and it has been in many ways harder than moving somewhere new. My DP has had to adjust to making space for our stuff, and changing things in the house that for several years he's had complete autonomy over. Eg yesterday I got cross at him for trying to tell me how to the clothes drying rack - as if it was still his and not like I'd been doing most of the laundary for the last year..... I feel I'm still fighting to make it my home too a lot of the time.

Like you, we did it for practical reasons - it's got more bedrooms than we could get elsewhere for the money - but emotionally it would have been nicer to have had a new start in a new place. We did agree upfront quite a few changes to the use of rooms, furniture, etc which helped me feel it was my home a bit. And also of house rules, though again it's harder to instigate changes on DCs who are staying in teh home they've always been in.

As I said, I think a small room ought to suit a 10 year old who's only there half the week very well indeed - but would guess your DP's anxieties around this are more symbolic of what place would his DCs have in the household - would they be of equal importance to your DCs? I think that, and the ways your household would work are probably the real issues you need to tackle.

I do wonder if the responses would have been the same if the op was a man?

I can see this from both sides. I think op's dp is already feeling a bit out of control at the thought of giving up his home. He might only be living in a one bed flat but it is his home and he will feel in control there. He can make the rules and I wonder if he is feeling daunted at moving into a home where rules and routines are already in place and he knows that making his "mark" can mean upsetting you and your children. It is incredibly difficult moving into someone else's home, even more so if its the ex marital home. Don't underestimate that. It might make financial sense etc but it will still make him feel that he is giving up his independence and you need to work together to create a brand new family life within your home.

However, I do also see that it's silly to give a bigger room to a child who isn't there all the time. My dsd1 has the smallest bedroom but hers has been decorated first and new furniture bought to soften the blow. Perhaps you could do this for whichever child has the smaller room?

I think his lack if earning power needs to be talked about. If he is genuinely a low earner but hardworking then i think you have to be very careful not to make him feel less of a family member because of that. If however, he's not earning through laziness, then I think you need to consider how you are going to deal with that before you move in together.

So what exactly is he proposing instead? He might want all the kids to have the same-sized room - but that is not the reality with which you are faced.

What is his constructive suggestion, as opposed to not being happy about it?

Do your children use their own rooms as playrooms? Maybe involving his ds and dd in the decisions about how to decorate and furnish the rooms and which room should go to which child (of the two "spare" rooms).

Maybe have a think about which room(s) is/are going to be used as a "spare" room in future, when you have guests staying. Would it be one of your own dcs rooms.

Whatever you do, don't let any of the dcs know there has been any dissent between the two of you. Make a decision and stick to it. Otherwise you are just creating an environment ripe for resentment, which would only grow as the kids grow and approach teenagerdom.

It may be possible to review the room allocations later - you may decide to move house after all, you may find that the children themselves surprise you by wanting different rooms (maybe one is more private, or they want to be next to each other....)

Good luck to your DP in finding a 5 bed house where there are 4 bedrooms for the DCs all of identical size.

I second the comments regarding equal sized rooms. We live in a 5 bedroom house (it had been extended before we bought it)

We have two large rooms, one en-suite (ours obviously) and DS has the other one (DC1), he was our only child when we bought the house.

DD1 started off in the next biggest room, but was moved when DD2 came along as that room was already kitted out as a nursery.

DD1 now has the 4th smallest room, while the smallest room is the spare (used by granny on a weekly basis as she looks after DD2).

In the future the girls may share the big room whilst DS has a smaller room, but for now, if we need more than one extra bed either the guest goes in with DS or DD1 goes in there and the guest goes in her room (depending on who it is)

When DS complained about guests going in his room, we suggested that he could go into the smallest room(his bed/chair/bookshelf/toys won't fit) but he would be guaranteed not to have to share. Needless to say, he stayed where he was!

Prettybird is right - you and your DP need to iron this out between you, and not involve the children in any of the emotional baggage that may come with this decision. You need to stand together.

I also think redhen makes a very valid point. Speak to your DP, this may be more about his feelings on moving into YOUR home. You will need to be very careful to make sure that it is his home too, and your DSC's home - and I imagine that would be difficult to achieve without alot of understanding and work. In an ideal world, a new house that doesn't have history for any of you would be less emotionally charged.

Good luck with it.

He is being very unreasonable and totally ridiculous to think that he may ever find a house with 5 equal sized bedrooms.
If his children were with you 100% of the time then he may have a valid point but to expect one or both of your children to move bedrooms to accommodate his children who are only there 50% of the time would just cause friction and resentment.

In our house our eldest has the smallest room - less toys to fit in - his gadgets tend to be smaller now. But it is the best furnished, the real high point for him (12) is the huge IKEA wardrobe with sliding doors we bought, where he was able to play with the planner online choosing the shelves, rails, drawers and shoe rack to go inside.

I totally "get" the psychological concern about moving into someone else's home - even if it's your partner's - and especially if it was once also shared with an ex. As others have said, there's all the stuff you'd expect about adapting to one another's routines, habits etc., but there's also the issue of wanting to feel totally equal to your partner and having the same emotional investment in your joint home. That can be very tricky if you do move into an "existing" property - silly stuff like having to live with décor and furnishings that your partner may have bought with the ex ... even down to the way the furniture's arranged. It's natural not only to want to put your own stamp on a place so it reflects your personality and taste, but also to want to do that with your partner so your home becomes something you've made together. I think this aspect of things is what you need to try and concentrate on - or indeed thrash out - before moving in together. I was briefly in the position though thank god it never came to it - of considering moving in to my partner's former home - and felt quite "yuck" to be honest at the prospect of living with his ex's questionable taste .... it almost felt as if I was intruding, and had we gone down that route, I think I'd have insisted that we blitzed the place together before I moved in so it really did feel like us and not her, and like a genuine fresh start. Though of course, I fully appreciate that it's not always possible financially for people to completely redecorate a whole house just like that, and do feel for those who have little choice in having to put up with a less than ideal scenario.

Obviously, and particularly so at the moment I understand it's not possible for many people to move, and whichever way you look at it moving always costs anyway (on top of the actual house purchase). In that respect I do feel a bit sorry for your DP but I think his stance on the bedrooms is so silly that I wonder how committed he is to moving in with you at all ? I don't want to upset or offend you and yes, in an ideal world, you'd get someplace new together, but the objection he's raised - as everyone has pointed out - is almost certainly one that's never going to be resolved even if you were able to move just like that tomorrow. Forget 5 bed houses, I don't think I've ever seen a 3 bed with 3 bedrooms exactly the same size ..... maybe you'd get a 2 bed place ..... but the only way he's ever going to get each child in identical rooms is if you built somewhere yourself! Yes, yes, to all the suggestions so far about organising "stuff" for each child, and how you might accommodate visitors, but I can't help thinking that maybe he's throwing up "impossible" problems in order to stall moving in ? ..... which means you need to speak to him in some depth to find out what he's really concerned about.

If he's still insistent that bedroom size is the issue then perhaps you need to rethink this. In any family someone always gets the smallest room after all - usually it's the youngest child as the biggest rooms fill up first - and maybe that's where he's coming from as your children are younger than his. However, I do think the fact that they're there far less than yours can't be ignored and I think it'd be ridiculous to leave a larger room (or rooms) empty most of the time. In any case, it sounds like overall both DP and his kids would benefit significantly from moving in with you - going from a 1 bed flat to a 5 bed house they're bound to have more living space generally, and whoever gets the smallest room is still going to have much more space and privacy than the current arrangement at their dad's. I don't really know what he expects you to actually do about this - except turf out one of your children - which would be unfair and wasteful (see above). I can't help thinking he may have cold feet and this silly objection is his way of dealing with it.

Thanks everyone. Just to point out that, whilst DP is not over the moon about one of the rooms being smaller, he is not making a massive issue over it or refusing to move in. My point was that he shouldn't be quibbling over one room being slightly smaller when it's still a lovely room and the house is otherwise perfectly fit for our requirements. I just think it is a bit cheeky because they would still have loads more space than they do currently especially as I will be paying for 80% of it. I don't think it's the different room sizes that is making him think about moving, more the fact that I used to live in the house with ex DH and that my ex is often still hanging around/turning up to see DSs when he feels like and DP is worried that he will keep doing this. I understand all this but think we can address it in other ways, e.g. by redecorating, buying new furniture etc to make it feel like his and also that ex DH will stop turning up when DP has moved in. It will cost a fortune to move house and we will end up with somewhere smaller/worse plus I would feel much more secure staying in our home. When we have looked at other houses he has assumed that we will be getting a like for like with 5 bedrooms which I/we simply wouldn't be able to afford due to the moving costs (I can only just afford where we are now and if we did move would probably want to downsize slightly to have more breathing space with the mortgag. He seems to be ignoring that and working on the assumption that all kids with need an (ideally equal) size room each and suggested moving/re-designing one house so that the rooms would be equally sized. I totally think that he would expect his kids to have equal sized or bigger rooms, especially the girl as she is the only girl. Just doesn't seem fair given that they are only there half the time and I am funding pretty much all of it. I would also find it really hard to justify worsening my DC's living conditions and moving somewhere smaller just for that reason. I am also a bit worried about the fact that I will be paying for 80% of it and that that will make it difficult for us to feel like it is truly "our" house.

UC, my children are with me 100% of the time. They see their dad regularly but have only stayed overnight with him twice in 2 years. They will hopefully stay with him more as they grow up but probably not more than once a week or fortnight.

Why are you paying 80%? Is this the mortgage or all of the bills? Does your DP work? How are you going to protect your house as your asset?

If you calculate DP and his 2 children (say 1 as they're there 50%), so he has 2 shares. You and your 2 DC are 3 shares. He should be paying 40% with you paying 60% to make if fair for all.

I think he is being very cheeky, considering he is only paying out for a 1 bed now, and is soon to move himself and his DC into a lovely 5 bed home, mostly funded by you.

The thing that strikes me most about your posts is the fact you keep referring to paying 80% of costs. I think you and DP really need to have a chat about money and expectations before you move in together as you seem to be in quite different positions in terms of being able to provide for your respective children. You seem relatively happy to share your wealth, but he seems much less able to contribute and is still complaining about something that is actually a massive improvement for his children.

Your home obviously means a lot to you and as you say, you fought to stay there. From a somewhat cynical point of view, make sure that you are protected financially if your DP moves in.

I hope you are able to work something out - and that DP contributes to the relationship in other ways, eg SAHD.