Bedrooms in a blended family

[Gangle]

DP and I are engaged and planning to marry next spring at which point he and his two DCs, 7 and 10, will move in with me and my DSs, 5 and 3. DP is understandably reluctant to move into my house as it used to be where I lived with ex DH and he says it doesn't feel like his but, financially, it makes sense to stay put plus we ideally need 5 bedrooms, which the house has, and if we move would be unlikely to be able to find or afford a 5 bedroom house due to moving costs and scarcity of 5 bed houses where we live. At the moment my DSs have a big room each. There is a big (double) spare room and a smaller double/single room which his children would have. He has them 50% of the time so they would spend Weds-Fri nights with us. DP is not happy that one of his DCs would have a smaller room. It is much smaller that the others but still a good size. In addition, DP currently has a one bedroom flat and when his DCs are with him they share a room (he sleeps on the floor of their room when they stay) and they also share a room at his ex's so they would already be better off as they will at least have a room each especially as his daughter is 10 and really needs her own room rather than sharing with her dad/brother. I can understand that DP wants them all to be treated equally but do feel he is being a bit precious and unreasonable over this especially as his DSs are only there 50% of the time. In addition, I own the house and when he moves in he has no equity or other money to contribute. We will probably remortgage then but I will still own and be paying for 80% of the house. We did start to look at other houses in case we do decide to move but DP seems to think that all DCs need to have an equal size room each even though his DCs are there 50% of the time. Am I being unfair? I feel very strongly that I don't want to move in any event. Seems pointless to waste time and money and go through all that stress and hassle just DP feels more at home. I think also that I feel more secure staying in my own place. Again, am I being unreasonable and selfish to be reluctant to move? I do understand DP's feelings on this but just seems like too great a risk for me and my DCS, especially having just been through a difficult divorce where I fought tooth and nail to stay in this house.

I think you've got two completely separate issues to discuss

1. how to pay for everything - so that all is fair and affordable, and that won't necessarily mean both paying your share if one of you earns much more that one may have to be prepared to subsidise the other -but you need an overall sense that you're working as a couple financially.

2. whether you can make your home into a joint home. Just because your DP earns less does not mean he has less rights to feel at home in the house. He will need to feel it's his home too. How do you feel about moving furniture around, redecorating, letting your DP have a say in how things are arranged? Would this be sufficient for him? I know from experience that leaving your home to move into a DP's existing home does leave you feeling exposed - like you've risked more for the relationship than they have. My DP has had to try really hard to let go of some of his sense of ownership of his home. It's not been easy for him but not easy for me either, and wouldn't work without quite a lot of compromises from him.

I don't think you can go into it with the attitude of - "I'm paying 80% of the costs and I own the house, so DP and his DCs will have to fit in with me and my DCs".

I'd agree that your ex will probably call round less casually if your DP were living there, though you could try and formalise things a little more anyway to smooth that transition for everyone.

Thanks everyone. Agree that there are two issues here. On the second one, I am absolutely fine with moving furniture, redecorating, letting DP have a say in things etc and really think we can make him feel at home. The house is very neutral and sparsely furnished (I never had time nor money to do anything to it) and is crying out to be made into a real home. DP loves DIY and seems excited about making changes/improvments and I am fine with all of that, glad even as I want it to feel like our home. My only reservation would be rearranging the childrens' bedrooms as my sons have their rooms and want to stay in them. I also don't really want to start moving walls etc, which DP suggested we do to the smaller bedroom to give DSS more space, as I think the layout of the houses works well and all the rooms are large enough.

The money issue is a harder one to resolve. I earn about 3 x as much as DP. He works as a lecturer so has lots of free time and flexbility which means he never needs to use childcare whereas I have, at the moment, fairly large childcare costs. He has a 1 bed flat but pays a lot for it as it's in a very expensive areas (he moved there after splitting with his ex and I guess wanted to stay as close to his kids as possible). If he lived somewhere else, like where we live, he could probably afford a 2 bed. I referred to having 80% of the costs because when he moves in, we would need to remortgage and we talked about him taking on a 20% share of the mortgage and me paying 80%. We have now re-thought this and think that we will draw the line when he buys in so that the value of the house up to that point is mine then going forward we split the mortgage 60/40 (I will pay 60%). The only problem with this is that he will be paying less than he is now but will have a lot less disposable income than I will although I will still have fairly sizeable childcare costs which need to be taken into account. I am ok paying more as I earn more but do want it to be fair. I feel that, because I am the higher earner, I often end up paying for things, like meals out with the kids, plus he lives at my house 4 nights per week and never buys any food. I was ok with this but it is starting to rankle. He helps out lots with the boys and I do wonder if he thinks that means he doesn't need to contribute. Maybe it does. I guess I don't want to end up in a situation where I feel that I am working full time to support him and his kids, especially as he has loads of time with his and I have little time with mine as I work full time. We will have a pre-nup but this is mostly to protect my share in the house which I want to leave to the boys. Not sure what is a fair division of costs going forward.

Purpleroses, how do you split things with your DP? Just not sure what is fair.

We will have a pre-nup but this is mostly to protect my share in the house which I want to leave to the boys.

Just a point, and please don?t think I?m being critical ? but there?s another thread running at the moment, about a man who wants to ensure that in the event of his death, his half of the house will go to this children, which means his widow will have to sell the family home to release the funds to comply with the will.

Are you following this principle, or will your arrangements ensure that your DP can stay in the house until he dies, and then your boys get their half?

Hi Petal. No, I would want for DP and all the children to be able to stay in the house if I died. I think I would say that for as long as DP is alive he could live in the house but when he dies my share would pass to my DSs. His smaller share would pass to his DCs. My ex and I bought the house together and he put in a large contribution. It just feels right that that share and his contribution passes to our DCs.

Gangle that's fair enough.

To answer your question - we split most of the everyday costs evenly - more or less. Council tax, bills, food shopping, etc.

But DP pays more of certain other costs. Eg if it was up to me we'd go camping for holidays but DP doesn't like camping and has the money to pay to rent a cottage, so he pays. Generally with meals out, treats, etc I pay for the cheaper ones and he pays the more expensive.

I think it's a hard area to work out, as it's not always obvious what is fair. I do a lot more of the housework and help out with DSC a lot more than DP does with mine (just because he's at work long hours, and there are 4 DSC). But I get to keep the money I make from renting my house out - which I think is a fair deal in return for the contribution I make in kind to the house I live in (which DP owns outright). We're not married so haven't merged finances any further. I'm not sure how sustainable that is in the long run. It's something we need to talk further about.

To go back to the bedroom thing, I second a poster earlier who said to make sure the kids aren't aware of any dissent between you and DP.

We have three bedrooms for four kids. A large one that is shared between DD and DS1, a medium one (small double) that DSS has and a tiny one for DS2. So DSS who is only with us EOW arguably has the best deal. However, the bedroom allocation has never been up for discussion in front of the kids, I've sold any changes as positive and have put masses of effort into decorating the bedrooms really nicely. So, while the division bugged me initially, the kids all love their rooms and would not in a million years think to equate the space they have with their importance in the family.