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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Faking it

73 replies

AnnaNanna2 · 19/05/2013 13:18

Hello everyone who is reading this,

I'm a right old newbie - I've literally just joined! I've had a look around and I hope I don't tread on anyone's "toes", but I wanted to talk about my situation, and hope that anyone can give me advice or guidance, or experience, which would be great (but I'm not holding my breath).

Are we sitting comfortably?

So, bit of background: I'm just about in my early 20s, and I don't have any children (nor any on the way - hence the "faking it"). I've been in a relationship now for nearly 5 months with my boyfriend.

Now then, bf has just (in the last 2 weeks) become a father to twins (from an earlier relationship). I've been very happy for him, and on the day they were born I was jumping off the walls with happiness. The trouble is, the next day I was bawling with tears because I felt really left out and I'm not allowed to see the babies (the mother doesn't know about me, and won't for a while). Every day since then I've felt either sad or happy, and most of all, very alone. Of my friends, only one has children, and none are in my situation.

Bf and I have always discussed the situation, and he has said he wants me to be a 3rd parent to babies, and to be equal as much as possible - more so if we live together and they visit. So why do I feel like I've gone from being his partner to being a thing he visits occasionally?

Has anyone got any advice or has anyone been here? Is it doable, or should I go hide in my bed?

Sorry for the rant, thanks for listening!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

balia · 19/05/2013 18:16

Interesting X-post.

Original poster

AnnaNanna2 · 19/05/2013 18:17

Maybe you do know things, old lady (feel rude!). Today has been a bad day and I don't feel strong enough to decide anything yet. Maybe some sort of easing off period? Who knows!

OP posts:

FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 18:18

Good points Balia.

Aren't you worth more than being some dirty secret for dear knows how long? How do you manage to socialise together if his ex doesn't know?

FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 18:19

Does he take you out? Spend time with you outside - I don't mean expensive stuff, I mean walk in the park, hand in hand. How are you going to do that if his ex doesn't know, imagine you run slap bang into her.

Or do you go out with his friends to the pub and have a drink. Because this type of secret has a habit of coming out.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 19/05/2013 18:20

You won't be a third parent! The parents are your DP and his ex. You really are not involved...sorry but that's the way it is just now and probably for a long while.

I echo others, you sound unhappy and that's not how it should be so early on. And why doesn't ex know about you?

Having a baby with ex to inviting you to be 'third parent' seems too quick to me

Original poster

AnnaNanna2 · 19/05/2013 18:21

Oops, didn't really think of that Balia. Oh well. Que sera sera!

Freddie, we have different groups of friends.

OP posts:

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 19/05/2013 18:21

Sorry, x posts!

NatashaBee · 19/05/2013 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 18:22

What's that saying? You can't put an old head on young shoulders. Or there are none so blind as those who won't see.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 19/05/2013 18:23

Anna- from what got have said. I know you need to run.
Are you in the east of England?

FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 18:24

I second what MakeItUp is saying. You need to run.

I have massive misgivings about this man.

I'm 45. I have children probably not that much younger than you and that's what I'd be telling them.

Out of interest, what age is your partner? Is he significantly older than you?

ivykaty44 · 19/05/2013 18:27

the mother doesn't know about me,

Booyhoo · 19/05/2013 18:27

well if he had told her 5 months ago she would have had time to get her head round teh idea before the babies were born. now they're here so he's going to wait how long before mentioning their third parent to their mother?

in your shoes i would RUN. but i can tell you wont so second advice is to insist she is told by X date (i'd give him a week- generous ) or you and he are done. you deserve to be officially recognised as your partner's partner.

forget about being a third or equal parent. you wont be. my EXp sees our dcs for 2 nights a fortnight (his choice- i offered 50/50). he's not even a second parent so his fiancee is certainly a third parent in no capacity at all.

NumTumDeDum · 19/05/2013 18:29

I had assumed that was why she didn't know. But when will it be a good time to tell her? When they are 3 months? 6 months? A year? By that point he's been lying to her for a year say, how do you think she'll react? Alternative scenario is that he says he's just met you. Then you will have to wait longer before she deems it appropriate for you to meet the children. Assuming of course she doesn't make it as difficult as possible.

I can see you are feeling a little defensive and I don't blame you, no one likes to have their judgement questioned. I don't think anyone is aiming to get at you, they are just concerned.

NumTumDeDum · 19/05/2013 18:32

I also agree with Natashabee. If I knew then what I know now, I would have made different decisions.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 19/05/2013 18:33

Anna, she may well have her suspicions.
No matter what any women says after the birth of a child they don't want to be a single mum.
Nor do they when they are pregnant.

Why would the mother of his children not want him to be in a family unit whilst she was pregnant?
Why would the father not fight to keep a family together?

I speak as a women this has happend to. I found out two days after my daughter was born about other woman.
Ask any mnetter on here how that broke me.

No matter what you think is going on with you two- he will at some point think and have it cross his mind about being a family.

Either way here someone's going to get hurt. Luckily the children are too young to know.
Dd is eight months now and I'm just getting straight.

Move on, honestly, move on. The children are too young to even be talking about this now.

If your in the east pm me

Londonseye · 19/05/2013 18:38

Hmm makeitup, I don't agree with that. That no single parent wants to be a single parent after the baby is born. My ex cheated on me when pregnant and was kicked out pronto. I was very happy to be a lone parent. I am not saying this is for all women, but I don't think your statement is either. But I do agree with you, and others that the OP should cut her losses and move on. 5 months is not a huge time investment op, but all the heartache you will get in coming years is huge.

FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 18:39

How soon after you two got together was he talking about you being a third parent to his children?

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 19/05/2013 18:41

I agree in some respects London, but we don't know the circs and it seems nor does OP
I do agree with loving being a lp now though

Booyhoo · 19/05/2013 18:44

how soon were you together after they split up? it sounds like she was 4 months pregnant when you and he got together if she was full term when the babies were born.

i kicked my ex out 3 weeks before ds was born (drugs) i was very happy to be a single parent but in the whole emotional rollercoaster after giving birth i actually got back with him for a couple of weeks (stupid hormones!)

i'm not saying this will happen in your situation but the birth of a child can do funny things to both parents and can make them realise what they actually want. one way or another.

FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 18:47

That's what I was working out Boo.

Twins tend to come around 36 weeks.

The OP is only with her BF not quite five months, and the twins were born 2 weeks ago.

So call that four months, and she was only four months pregnant when they got together.

Now, it could have been a one night stand, stranger things have happened, but that's not the vibe I'm getting from this scenario.

Booyhoo · 19/05/2013 18:49

well no, me either. there would be no reason to keep a new girlfriend secret from a one night stand would there?

also OP said in the op that the twins were from an earlier relationship.

FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 18:51

Exactly.

AnnaNanna this man is manipulating you. He's a liar. And probably a cheat.

Do you really want someone like that? Because if he can do it once, he can do it again.

nkf · 19/05/2013 18:54

In your early 20s and choosing this? Why? Why?

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 19/05/2013 18:56

Boo- that's what I was trying to say but you did it so much better

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