Faking it

[AnnaNanna2]

Hello everyone who is reading this,

I'm a right old newbie - I've literally just joined! I've had a look around and I hope I don't tread on anyone's "toes", but I wanted to talk about my situation, and hope that anyone can give me advice or guidance, or experience, which would be great (but I'm not holding my breath).

Are we sitting comfortably?

So, bit of background: I'm just about in my early 20s, and I don't have any children (nor any on the way - hence the "faking it"). I've been in a relationship now for nearly 5 months with my boyfriend.

Now then, bf has just (in the last 2 weeks) become a father to twins (from an earlier relationship). I've been very happy for him, and on the day they were born I was jumping off the walls with happiness. The trouble is, the next day I was bawling with tears because I felt really left out and I'm not allowed to see the babies (the mother doesn't know about me, and won't for a while). Every day since then I've felt either sad or happy, and most of all, very alone. Of my friends, only one has children, and none are in my situation.

Bf and I have always discussed the situation, and he has said he wants me to be a 3rd parent to babies, and to be equal as much as possible - more so if we live together and they visit. So why do I feel like I've gone from being his partner to being a thing he visits occasionally?

Has anyone got any advice or has anyone been here? Is it doable, or should I go hide in my bed?

Sorry for the rant, thanks for listening!

This man would be such an unattractive prospect to me.

I'd get out, sharpish & find someone without a 'situation'.

I think you're understandably being quite defensive (I totally understand why) but the ladies on here have a wealth of experience in step situations - I haven't posted much but I lurk a lot on the SP board and while everyone offers an opinion there is almost always constructive, useful advice so I do hope you listen to everyone and make up your own mind.

For my tuppence worth, I think I would step back from this very new relationship, give him time and space to concentrate on his babies and then later on, see if you still want to be with him, and he with you. If he wants to keep you secret that doesn't bode well - already he is tip toeing around the mother of the twins, rightly or wrongly, and you can get used to him doing that if you stay with him. When will he see fit to tell her? Obviously not now, but there will never be a good time yet as soon as the children can talk you'll be rumbled - but I don't think you can keep it a secret for that long anyway. Incidentally, and I may be projecting here, I had an ex who didn't want anyone to know we were an item. Not sure why, but he turned out to be a lying, cheating tosspot.

For me, my DSS was two when I got together with my DP. I won't pretend its been easy (and everything is pretty amicable between us and DP's ex) and its been a very slow gradual build up until three years later, I still would never consider myself a parent but I do the fun stuff with DSS and the occasional discipline when its required, but all the actual parenting is done by DP alone when he is with us. We have to write off about 30% of DPs wages towards the household bills as that money goes towards his son - not something I would ever begrudge but its something you need to consider. Your DPs would be more as there are two children - I include maintenance, travel, clothes, treats, days out for his son in that, not just the 15% CSA say he should pay.

If you stay with your partner, consider that you may have no money as a couple to go anywhere or do anything as he will now be paying maintenance as well as for treats for his children. Perhaps increased travel costs. Two extra people (plus the ex) to be taken into account whenever you want to do something, such as go on holiday - do the children come, can you afford it, will the ex agree to it, if she wont agree to them coming then will she agree to your partner having no contact for a couple of weeks so that you can go away as a couple, or will she take umbrage and say to your P that he cant have the children anymore, necessitating a messy court battle? Is this a situation you want to get embroiled in?

I would never regret getting together with my DP and his son is absolutely lovely but if I were you, facing the situation you were in, I would cool it off, go out and date other people and come back to the situation with fresh eyes in a few years. By then you may well have met someone else and be happily settled down with the freedom to do what you want to do and not be burdened by your current boyfriend's feelings of obligation towards the feelings of his ex.

I think its really disrespectful to the twins mother to even suggest you can be a third parent. You are not and never will be a parent to those babies.

5 months in I would be running for the hills.

Please tell us more about the time scale of them breaking up and you getting together.

For real ?
I'd insist he marches round there right now and introduces this woman to you, her new co parent.

Or maybe not.

I'm with half baked. Interested in the timeline.

i'm wondering if there was an overlap and that's why he's keeping the two women apart so they dont talk and find out about it.

That's what I was wondering Boo

Hello again everybody, thanks for your replies. Sorry I haven't been able to keep up with them all but things have been happening.

At the risk of any "i told you so"s, he has just broken up with me. I won't go too far in, incase I get found out (!) And in any case, it's not respectful given there are babies etc. Needless to say , I don't feel efforts have been appreciated, and the words, "burden" "involved" and "not" were used, and not in that order

Thanks for all your advice. FYI, it was 1 month, not 1 night

Over and out!

Not over and out.

Onwards and upwards.

Chin up chick.

well. i have to say- i think fate has done you a massive favour and you didn't even have to be the 'baddie' (instigating the break up).

agree with freddie. onwards and upwards. you are only a wee young think with a looong life ahead of you in which to get bogged down with chidlren and complicated exes etc. enjoy the freedom you have now. you'll miss it when it's gone.

It's the best thing that could have happened to you! Enjoy your twenties for heavens sake [grin ]

Sorry for you pain but I agree...you are well out of it!

It may not seem like it but it is good good news. You don't even have to make a decision. Now, make some plans for the week and start enjoying your young life.

Thank you everyone :-) hour by hour for the next few days, that's my plans. Just had a herbal cuppa and now in bed! I may be young, but I'm certainly near retirement. Work tomorrow. Yay...

I'm going to repeat what I told you in the PM I sent.

This man has done you a massive favour. He's made you a MNetter

Hooray!

I think you have had a lucky escape. I hope it doesn't gift for too long.

Good Luck Anna, yes please come back to MN! And wave your exDP a dignified goodbye. It does feel it is for the best. But for you it is still painful, so I wish you the strength in looking after yourself. You have all the time in the world.

I think you've just dodged a bullet there.

I can understand the position your in as I have been in it myself. I met my boyfriend when his ex was 6 month pregnant with his ds and already had a 1 year old dd. She knew the relationship wasn't working after she had dd so she purposely stopped taking the pill to try and trap ky dp with another kid but he couldn't stay the second time round. We told his ex about it after 6 weeks together and she wasn't best pleased but she got on with it. It was really hard when hes ds was born really hard but now his ex has a new boyfriend and is happy so everything is amicable between me dp and his ex. Its very hard and lot of people will tell u yo run. Looking back I wish I never got with him but I love my dp and glad I fought for him