New to the Site - I feel that step parents are very misunderstood

[Starryshine]

I have found some really interesting conversations on this site about parenting - which help alot when you are thrown in at the deep end. However, I am a little concerned at how undervalued we are by the "real" parents - no one would question an adoptive parents love and standard of care - so why ours?

Anyway - rant over :)

Ah F&N, just as people say ot lone mothers "they'll understand when they grow up" about the maintenace/ contact / whatever, the same is true of step-parents.

I ahve a friend who absolutely loathed her step father for years - led him a merry dance as a teenager, was implacably hostile to him even right into her mid twenties. Round about her early thirties, with the onset of maturity and children, she realised how unfair she'd always been, how tolerant and laid-back he'd been, and they're now the best of friends. It took about twenty years, and as she says, she regrets the years wasted hating and resenting him, but finally his input paid off and she now loves him and values him as one of the most important people in her life.

(I don't want to put you off by the way - am not saying it always takes 20 years! )

I was horrible to my mum's boyfriend as a teenager. In the end he had to move out of our house cos we rowed all the time... Really regret it now having seen my daughter being horrible (on occassion) to my bf.. sometimes wish could ring up my mum's ex and apologise for the grief I gave him but sadly he has lost contact...

I think that when I have kids with dp I will hopefully see alot of similarities (looks wise and personality) between the children and this will help me to care for the sc even more.

Did that make sense?

Cinnamon - loads of respect to you for your honesty!!

Thanks Anniemac. I used to get so upset in the beginning (4 years now) but I accept it and lead a normal happy life now. Incidentally, we put off having a baby of our own for 3 years as my step children's mother has always threatened to stop DP seeing his children if he had another one with me or anyone else (no idea why as they split up 4 years before we met so I don't know what I have done to offend her and it will only hurt the children more). It has only been the last few months that we have decided to go ahead and try for one of our own only in the last few weeks to find that following surgery for cervical cancer and resulting PID (pelvic inflammatory disease) that I had about 8 years ago, it is unlikely that I will be able to conceive now Still we will have great fun trying [optimistic emoticon]

My first child with dh is my double and ss not particularly keen, but ds2 who is the spit of DH and ss in completely in love with him which has surprised me. Could be that ss is now older and doesnt see DS2 as competion.Although he would not admitted is now pleased that he has a 'family' as it had been him and D for so long. I have to admit once my ds1 was born there was a change in the way i felt about ss. not partcularly proud of that but try to deal with it as best i can

What sort of change?

That your child comes first with you? I think that's kind of fair enough as the steps will be first with their bm.

I met someone last year that said the best thing she and her partner had ever done was have a child of their own - but the sk's lived with them and it really pulled them together and made them a family.

I must admit - I had just assumed it would cause loads of problems with jealously etc - but again I suppose every case is different.

I became less tolerant of SS and how the problems affected our lives. Yes my children come first in my eyes but that then brings conflict with DH as all three are his DS and have equal weighting within the family. i really thought that i could cope with it but it has been difficult. If SS lived with his mother it may not have been so apparent. SS also sees the relationship i have with my two and he knows that he has missed out on.

Just reading your earlier post nicnak2 - sounds like you've had alot to deal with.

Seems your ss is lucky to have you around.

:) thank you.

Thank you anniemac