New to the Site - I feel that step parents are very misunderstood

[Starryshine]

I have found some really interesting conversations on this site about parenting - which help alot when you are thrown in at the deep end. However, I am a little concerned at how undervalued we are by the "real" parents - no one would question an adoptive parents love and standard of care - so why ours?

Anyway - rant over :)

Marne that is very honest.

Starry - trust me it is diff with your own. I thinkit is important to remember that your sk's mum will always be there and involved in their lives.

also depends whether family unit was intact when you came on the scene or not .. the amount of resentment from birth parent I mean (am not insinuating .. am just commenting)

I don't have any problems with the bm - i wasn't involved in the break up and she had a new partner before he did so resentment was more the other way round.

I'm not saying its always easy - but maybe I have been lucky - its all quite amicable really

so why start the thread if all ok?

Talking about sensitivity, call me a pedant but I would be very annoyed to be referred to as a "birth mother." I am not a birth-mother, I am a mother. I don't refer to my mother as my birth mother, and I do hope my children will never refer to me as anything other than a non-pre-fixed mother.

I can't speak for anyone else Caligula, but if I ever use the term BM, it's only on here and for clarity when writing a post. It's not a term I would use in RL ever. If I'm talking to dsd I talk about "mum" and if I'm talking to other people I use her name, or refer to her as dsd's mum or dh's x.

I refer to dsd as "mine", but mine in terms of my step-daughter. And she refers to me as "mine" too, my step-mum. It would feel mighty strange to me to refer to her as anything else and it would feel to me like I wasn't making her feel as much a part of her family here as dd is. That doesn't mean I want to take her mum's place, I just want her to feel she is as loved and wanted here as she is at home.

I agree with Sufermum. I refer to dss as mine as in MY STEP son. I've known him for 13 years and have a very close relationship with him and love him very much.

BM is only a term I use on here for clarity as its shorter than saying dss'sm or dsk'sm.

Agree with op tho as I wouldnt dream of posting on here about any problems with dss becasue although you may get many supportive post there are way too many people just too ready to pounce on sms and rip them to shreds IMO regardless of what they say and how they say it even if the problem has nothing to do with the stepparenting situation. I've seen it only too often I'm afraid. and when you are feeling low quite often the nasty comments only serve to make a bad situation worse tbh

Lots of chips on shoulders I think -

Thought this site was meant to be friendly?????

See ya.

Stick around Starry. There are normally more stepmums around during the week. Get stuck into the nutty step-mums thread.

Hello Starryshine, welcome to Mumsnet

This site is generally friendly, really it is. Yes there is the odd spat but real-life is the same isn't it?

Agree with surfermum, do join us on the Nutty Stepmums thread

Starryshine, where are the chips on the shoulders?

What's the problem? You've started a discussion about how stepmothers are perceived and a few people have joined you and put different perspectives to you, some of which you may or may not have considered before. Isn't that what debate is all about?

I think it's simply rude to talk about chips on shoulders - if all you want is to have your own prejudices re-inforced, then Mumsnet is probably going to be the wrong site for you; you can find a step-mother's site which slags off birth-mothers ten a penny on the internet. But here, my impression is that lone mothers and step-mothers actually talk to and learn from each other - and yes that does sometimes mean ding-dongs and rows and people getting upset with each other, but I'd hazard a guess that each thread with a big row gives those who are open to it, a bit more insight and empathy for someone in a different position from them. Which in my view is a good thing, I've learnt a lot from the step-mothers' threads here and I'm glad this is a site where we can talk to each other honestly. Join in, it's a culture shock at first but if you're open to it, you'll get used to it! And I suspect that it's worth the culture shock for the invaluable support and advice that is available to you here, not just about step-parenting issues, but about everything.

Wondering if the original post was aimed at me now? I've only started looking at the step parenting threads since my exp got his new girlfriend, lots of threads have been very enlightening, not always in a good way, but enlightening none the less.

fab post caligua :) re chips

re using the term bm - doesnt bother me as understand prob in rl not the case and every case is diff.

Starryshine - chill, unless you are trollish It is a learning curve here but if you start a thread on a topic you will get a variety of views.. not just your own re-inforced. Nature of mumsnet and a darn good thing.

The tone of your thread at the beginning seemd to want to incite a step parent re birth parenting debate/divide.

Actually - I was probably just looking for sympathy that we are sometimes undervalued and I don't want all step mums to be tarred with the wicked step mother brush :( - however, if debate is the name of the game....let me have it.

Just a point on the whole calling step kids "mine" situation - from personal experience. I was brought up in a step family and my step dad always called all of us his children with no distinction and it never offended any one involved.

I have a friend who at 16 changed her name by deed poll to match her step dads as he had been a much better father than her real one ever had. It really pissed the real dad off but it was what she wanted. But I would never ever condone a forced change of name.

Just some thoughts to throw into the mix.

I think it all depends on the family set-up Starryshine. If you have step children who live with you and their biological parent doesn't see them very often or at all, then I think it's perfectly reasonable to refer to them all as "our children/ my children".

But when the child normally lives with the other parent, my children when they're not, would obviously be quite offensive to the real parent. I remember reading a thread here where a stepmother claimed that as far as she was concerned, she had as much responsiblity and decision making powers as the child's own mother. I have no idea what the context was, and perhaps her stepchildren lived with her full time and rarely saw their mother, in which case that assertion would be reasonable; but if that were not the case and they were living with their mother most of the time, that would be extraordinarily crass and intrusive. Context is all, imo.

My dp includes me in the decisions about the children that affect them when they are with us -I dont' think it is fair for a step parent to have no say at all - but that say would be a secondary opinion - my dp really encourages me to express my views - sometimes a detached view is helpful...

Excuse my naivety but I am a (birth) mother and can't for the life of me understand why step mothers would be slagged off as a general rule, or vice versa.
Surely it's the individual that counts?
Am I completely naive?

Starryshine I am both a parent and a step parent and the difference in the amount of responsibility I have for my own DS compared to my step children is enormous. However if I had an issue with parenting my step children, I would feel it no less valid than an issue with DS.

During my own experience of caring for my step children (before I had DS and discovered Mumsnet) I could often have done with a site like this to come for advice.

I was always very clear in my head that I was not a substitute Mum to my stepkids but OTOH when you have children living or staying with you in your home on a regular basis it is your duty to care for them "as a parent would" while they are with you - in both a practical and emotional sense.

Visiting a parenting website for advice is a sensible idea, and the same could be said for anyone else who regularly cares for a child that is not their own, e.g. grandparents, foster carers, etc etc.

I hope you do stick around and find the site useful but it is wise to be aware of possible areas where offence could be given

Agree SS. Sounds perfectly reasonable.

bluejelly - of course it's the individual that counts, but iirc I once compared the stepmother/ birthmother relationship to the MIL/ DIL one - a relationship that is not chosen on either side, where you are forced to work together with someone you might in other circumstances find a perfectly nice, reasonable person but because she's your MIL/ step-carer-in-law (what is the correct modern terminology) you are both too emotionally close to the issue which you see differently.

And sometimes a lack of empathy on both sides causes tiny problems to become big. So when MIL gives toddler a sweet, the mother wants to kill MIL, bury her body under the patio or at least cut off all ties and deny her access forever, when in fact if she didn't have such an emotionally charged relationship with her, the tiny offence wouldn't be blown out of all proportion. I think the BM/ SM relationship is even more emotionally charged than that of the MIL/ DIL.

I see what you mean caligula... and i can see the parallels with the MIL situation...
I guess all human relationships have the potential to be fraught!

Hi,

Found this site on google and so far has been very interesting.

I can honestly say that I can't see something from a mothers point of view as I am not one but I am engaged to a man who has a 4 year old son.

We have been together for a year and for most of that he has had access to his son. When he lived with his ex-wife he was involved with a lot of care of his son and it was a very difficult decision to leave his wife as it meant leaving his son but life for him was eventually unbearable.

I have had almost no contact with children before this and was absolutly terrified of how I would get on with his son. We started my contact with him slowly with a visit to the zoo then a day visit before even considering an overnight stay.

Since then we have a great relationship I love him more than I ever thought I could and he loves me back. I think it's easier with a younger child as they are more able to cope with change. He has coped with the fact that we have very different homes and different rules and is very happy in both homes.

I feel that I do my best for him. I'm not trying to be his mum and never will do but I am trying to be the best carer I can be. My partner is very insistant that his son is mine when he's with us but I cannot agree with this. I want my own children and can't imagine I would treat them any differently but you don't know until you're there.

I can't see this situation from a mothers point of view although I do try. I feel that this situation has occured and it isn't how any of us would have chosen for it to be but it is the way it and the child is the most important thing. We can't go back and change anything but we can change how his future is and what I believe is the best for him is for us to get on and he then has the benefit of three parents.

My parents separated when I was 7 and after initial fighting my dad and my stepdad got on very well and my dad regularly visited my mum and stepdads house. I feel that I was lucky because of this but cannot see this situation happening with us. I lived with my mum and stepdad so he had a large influence in how we were bought up and I love him and am very grateful for everything he did for me. He refers to me and my brother as his kids which is fine by me but I'm not sure how my dad would feel! They are very different men and I have different relationships with each of them.

My partners ex-wife hates me and has spent a lot of time and energy poisoning her son against me. Having spent time with me he has made his own decisions and has stopped saying things which were clearly inserted into his mind by his mum. He has even told me "if mummy met you I'm sure she'd like you" because this is as simple as it is in his mind.

I accept the fact that I have no rights but on a weekly basis this child comes into my life and I am very involved with everything to with him when he's with us and then he goes home and I cannot be involved in anyway and am banned from doing many things not for his benefit but because his mum doesn't like it, when asked why she doesn't have any reason.

I feel that this is a difficult situation for everyone involved and whether it's mother, father, step-mother or step-father surely if we all work together it can be made into a more survivable situation and provide the best environment for the children. Each case is different and I'm sure as much as there are mum's who are making the step-mum's life miserable there are step-mum's who deliberately do things to hurt mums.

This is a very emotional subject for me and I felt very strongly about many things that I read. I don't want to argue with anyone but felt that I wanted to back up some points and also get feedback from mums about there ex's new partners and other stepmums (as I am soon to be).

Thanks for reading and I look forward to your responses.

Hi Just joined on a friends recommendation. I am a step mum to a teenager who lives with us. Married his father 4 years ago (now have 2 of are own) BM lives a distance away and has no real contact. i have found being a step mother very hard and have taken the flack for behaviour problems for all corners as i am the easiest person to attack. this includes ss maternal grandparents about lack of contact (though they who live nearby have never phoned their grandson. I have tried my best and tried to bring ss up as i would my own and have always felt undervalued and always having to prove myself to school, family and yes even my husband. funnily i dont have to prove to him that i am a good mother to our own children

I had alot of resentment from bm at first but two years on it has mostly passed - think it depends if they have a partner and are happy - its hard for them if all they see is their ex being wonderfully happy with the new partner when they are home alone with the children.

I think because I seldom rose to the provocation she kind of gave up in the end. I trust in the children that even if negative comments are made to them about me - they'll instinctively know if i'm okay or not by how I treat them, and that has worked so far. She still has her moments though.

It's good to know it settles down have had a year of nasty comments some through her child and some direct (including death threats). All I want is an easy life which includes my partners son. Would be nice to try and sit down and have a chat about everything but she refuses.