New to the Site - I feel that step parents are very misunderstood

[Starryshine]

I have found some really interesting conversations on this site about parenting - which help alot when you are thrown in at the deep end. However, I am a little concerned at how undervalued we are by the "real" parents - no one would question an adoptive parents love and standard of care - so why ours?

Anyway - rant over :)

I suspose i am lucky that BM although may say nasty things about would not say to my face as in her mind i am the one bring up her son and dealing with major problems that she doesnt want to deal with, and boy do we have major problems.

cinnamongreyhound, were you involved with your dp while he was still with his ex? Because your post is ambiguous about that, sorry if I'm reading something into it which is not there. However if that were the case, then of course she would hate you and would always feel hostility to you even if and when she finds a new partner. Some things just aren't forgivable, and if we do them we have to accept that we won't be forgiven and work within that premise.

Yes I was for a short time (about 2 weeks) and I try to understand that this is the case but I also feel that at some point you have to let that go and get on with the situation. She has not been the model wife and had left 2 years earlier but that had not worked out and she went back to my partner. I am not proud of how our relationship started but I can't change that.

I dont think Step-parents are misunderstood on this site - I think they are well supported

people who arent step parents or single mums tend to stay off the threads. From what Ive read, they are v supportive to each other

I have felt able to ask their advice over access/phone calls with my own children but I have to admit this is mainly cos NONE of them split up the marriage they are now involved in

I find it very hard to believe I will ever do anything more than tolerate my ex's gf because they had an affair last year and when I found out, she continued to tell him I wouldnt be able to forgive him and I believe that didnt help our chances. Shed already left her husband (no kids) so wanted mine.

I will one day forgive ex cos he is the father of my children but you can make choices not to get involved with people who are married/in a relationship with children. You just walk away.

however I know I will never say anything negative cos that wont help the children

cinnomin - if you have a good relationship with ur sc then you need to concemtrate on that. Eventually child make up their own mind. My SS although has done his best to split dh and me up only now realises that BM is not all that he thought she was. He wants to live with her and although she has said yes now the time has come for the move there is no contact from her, having pronisied him that he could live with her when he was 16.

I think it's very unrealistic to expect anyone to "let go" a feeling of bitterness and hatred about someone they feel, even if unfairly, was instrumental in ruining their life. This didn't happen once to her, a couple of years ago; it's happening every day. Every day, she faces the world as a lone parent, with the stigma and reduced standard of living that that involves. Every day, her child faces life as a child whose father doesn't live with him anymore, with all the well-documented disadvantages that entails. Like it or not, your uninvited entry into her life, has made it – and that of her child – very different (and possibly, at least temporarily, far worse) than it would have been without your presence. It is a leap of faith then, to imagine that she could just "let go" after a certain amount of time. People let go, move on, when they have reached some kind of equilibrium in their lives, and whether that means justice, or a new start, or some other means of emotional closure (to use that horrible psychobabble term) without that, it's almost impossible. That’s why figures like Medea, Dido and Cho-Cho-San exist, and in the case of the former two, have lasted for centuries – because they tap into a truth about the human psyche when faced with betrayal. They’re not comfortable in our world of “moving on”, “letting go” and offering your enemy a nice cup of tea; but boy do they make us confront the truth of our emotions and how forgiveness and getting over it don’t happen automatically or soon – they are something that will happen if she sees that you are a positive influence in her child’s life and she’s confident and happy enough in her own life, to not be threatened or feel a bit betrayed by that. But being confident and happy when the rock you built your future on, has turned out to be sand, is a tough call and may take years to achieve.

Sorry I’ve gone on a bit and I’m not saying this to attack you or make you feel bad, but just to put a viewpoint to you that if you bear in mind, will help you to contextualise some of the shit that may come your way in the next few years and adjust your expectations so that when things go norks up with her, you won't be too frustrated, angry or incredulous about it, you'll expect it and be able to deal with it.

Mistrissmiggins - Without meaning to be provocative you can't just away, I did try but after realising that their marriage was over and that I was seriously falling for him I decided I couldn't take the risk of losing something good. It's not always cut and dried with affairs but I can atleast imagine how the person being cheated on can feel.

nicnack2 - We do have a good relationship I do worry that as he gets older he will change or that because of the way mine and my partners relationship began he will see me in a different light. I think it's really unfair the way she uses her son, which is not in his best interests as far as I'm concerned.

I think it's great that mistressmiggins can put her feelings behind her for her childrens sake and despite my feeling for my partners exwife I would not dream of saying anything bad about his mum.

Remember though - you only have your partner's view of the marriage - it takes 2 and Im sure he looked at it negatively to justify leaving as do you.

agree with Caligula - its hard not to feel angry for your children - my ex is at this moment on holiday abroad somewhere exotic with his GF. He has not offered to take our children on holiday even in this country; he has not told our chioldren that he is on holiday as that would bring questions; he is coming at weekend but moaned about which day suited him even though not seen kids for 3 weeks.

and you want me to "let that go" regarding the GF?
difficult

AND Im constantly told "children are adaptable"; let them get one with it etc, you're better off without him
I bet GF isnt told "think about the poor wife left alone with 2 children under 4"; "how can you sleep at night"
Im the only one whose given advice

am going to PARP myself off this thread but not this topic as plenty of Step mums with good advice

Yes it may change the way ur sc feels about you, however nor will he like constant criticism of you and his father. my ss is just realising how his mother used him against his father for the last 13 years and how he thought it was his fathers fault the seperation (this all happen when ss was 3 and dh was awarded custody) if you lookk for the crack it between you and ss it will grow.Dont feel guilty about the was you met/ Life was never supposed to be easy :)

Sorry Caligula must have missed your posting whilest writing mine. Thank you for your honest point of view it's appreciated. Having never been in that situation I can only try to imagine how she feels and just see how destructive her behaviour is and not necessarily where it's coming from. My only experience is my parents and my mum left my dad for my stepdad and we have had a very stable family unit but I don't exactly know how long that took.

As far as leaving her with a child me offer a lot of support have him during the week aswell as our alternate weekend and would more often if allowed. We have had him if she has had a date and since we have been together have not taken a holiday with out him. This is the way we want it so don't misinterpret this as a compliant but just to express that no all new partners are trying to stop their others half from spending time and money on their kids. We are very aware of the need for a father figure hence the weekly contact and my partner is always at the end of the phone for anything that is required.

Thank you all for your points of view it great to have support and an honest opinion of all aspects of the situation sometimes I feel like we are alone in all this.

sorry but cant help feeling slighty irritated by the superiority that appears to be emitting from this thread is huge great waves.

No I am not a step parent - but my son has effectiv=ely got a step mum & step dad although we dont refer to eachother like that. Why tar all with the same brush? Everycase is copmpleletly individual and dependant on situation. IF my ex left me for this other women then i would probably be really pissed off with her as i would see them both as deceptive, but that isnt the case.

It also does not depend on the age of the child imo as my mm married my dad (sd) when i was 21 and i love him as a parent.

It really gets up my nose this whole attitude of division and labelling.. Are you all caring for children? Do you have their best interests at heart? Well then sod you title and get on with the bloody job in hand. RANT OVER

Wow, this thread has gone manic!!! Lol - Awen - very well said, althought I would have put it a bit milder! To quote a famous film "we are all individuals" there are bad and good examples of every case whether mum, dad, stepmum, stepdad etc. As I reported before there is a bit too much tarring with the same brush on these threads. However, some excellent advice given by all! I am a stepmum, but I have learnt an awful lot from mothers on this thread, something that I didn't expect but am so glad I have.

Everyone should read this thread and learn about every aspect of parenting, not just being a mother or a step mother in my opinion!

Now stop beating around the bush, Awen, and say what you mean!

well say it as it is an all that eh?

awen i am appreciate your comments but sometimes the job in hand becomes very difficult when in my case am bring up ss and i have had social work involvement because he has intimated that the situation at home is not right and i was targetted by SW. They have never contacted BM about her part in the behaviour and infact never even talk to dh about the history of the case. I was not involved in break up as this happened 13 years ago and dh had custody since ss was 3. I have had to deal with drugs, severe behaviour at school resulting in many exclusions, theft, runing away etc. it has been very hard to to be very honest i have thought about leaving as sometimes being a single mother seems easier not that i am trivilising the hard work that it is. I do try to keep going but i am only human after all.

nicnack - sounds like a difficult situation, but my point is that situations are individual and u seem to be doing a good job, but i dont know your situation.

What I dont see is why there has to be this whole "them and us" attitude. Even on here is feels cliquey in terms of step parent v birth parents. IMO this site is for parenting.. looking after the kids.

I suspose to is because there is such depth of emotion when it comes to children. No parent wants their child to think better of someone else, doesnt help when fairy tales talk about the evil step mother :). I have to admitted i did look through rose tinted glasses about being a step mother and in many ways would not advocate it. I have forced ss mither to be more involved with her s but to no avail. Mind you i have had my eyes open to the moern age of teenagers so will be well armed when my two reach that stage :o

It would be nice not to have a them and us situation but that isn't the case, obviously with me it is different to many others of you as i was at least partly involved in the marriage breakdown but in my experience as a step parent to be, I am expected to a hugh part in a childs life for probably about 1/4 of the time and then not allowed to have any in the rest. It has also been insinuated by my partners sister that she knows better (presumably because she is a blood relative) when she has seen him 3 times in the last year.

I realise it's difficult for my partners ex-wife but I hope that in time we can at least co-exsist in a civil way.

I think the them and us thing is quite bizarre as well, because most people know people from both camps as it were, and in many cases, are both or have been one and are now the other. What I find very surprising, is when people show absolutely no empathy for the other woman even when they have been on the other side of the fence. I know quite a few step-mothers and lone mothers, and while I can understand (if not sympathise with) having no empathy if you've never been there, I am really baffled by people who do exactly what they were complaining about another woman doing two years ago, and/or complain about exactly the same things they used to do when they were in that situation. I really find it extraordinary and quite frightening that people can walk through life with so little insight, I really do!

Good point about expectations, Anniemac.

Those are very good points Annimac, however, as a step parent myself, I dont expect thanks, admiration or praise for being a stepmum I do it because I love my DP and his children. I think the difference between a bio mother not receiving the thanks, admiration and praise and a stepmother not receiving it is that the bio mother receives unconditional love instead, something which can never be matched. I love my step children as if they were my own (I think, although not having children of my own, not sure) and I receive nothing back from them, no love, affection, no "thank you" for doing something nice for them, not even a Christmas/Birthday card. However I still love them so much as they are part of my DP and I would never show them how upset I feel sometimes about it. They are only children and do not understand, I am very well aware of the fact that I am not their mother and never have or never would profess to be so. I am purely "Daddy's girlfriend" in their's and their mother's eyes and at the end of the day, as long as they are happy, then so am I!