space/room issues.. dss to share with ds? 10yr age gap??

[maryjane29]

im having a few problems with the space in our home. we have one dss and 3 dc (2 dd's and 1 ds) of our own.
our dss stays with us every 2nd weekend..he has his own room but now my dh has sugessted that our ds move into the room with him..hes 3yrs and dss 13yrs.. ds previously been sharing with his sisters..is it ok for the boys to share?? anyone had experience of any resentment etc due to a move like this.. seems a shame that the room lies empty for much of the month and our 3 dc are squidged in a room together.
thanx x

Importance is not measured by square footage.

A teenager's needs for privacy need to be weighed against how much it hurts small children to share a room (not much).

Circumstances dictate that he will have to give up his own room in this house and share with a child 10 years younger.

But that is taking something important from him, and that needs to be recognised.

I'm amazed at the level of consideration that is given to these sorts of things; is it a step issue or do some parents agonise this much over rearranging their DCs sleeping arrangements?

My DSC are cared for several nights a week by there grandma while their mum works. 15 year old DSD gives up her room and bed for grandma each time and sleeps in her mums bed - so that when her mum comes home from work, mum turfs DSD out and can go straight to bed while DSD has to get ready for school on the landing and bathroom because there's no free room for her! She effectively shares her room and bed with her grandma - and grandma helps herself to DSD makeup etc, just like a sibling is likely to do

If some parents are happy to accept those arrangements for their DCs, how come it's such an issue if a teen child shares a room with a step sibling a few nights a fortnight.
If he's genuinely a member of the family, why is he being treated like a guest (needing his own room) when it comes to sleeping arrangements?

I dont think its a step issue either. Plenty of siblings share.

if importance isn't measured in square footage then why the big deal about him sharing his room "taking something important from him"

I'm sure, given that the OP is giving this a lot of thought, that he gets a great deal of love, care and attention in his father & OP's home. That is so much more important than square footage.

I agree with NADM - this degree of analysis just doesn't seem to happen in "together" families. When my younger sibling was born, we shared a room. I wasn't emotionally scarred. I didn't suddenly feel less important. I shared because the size of the house dictated that sharing was required and that was that, end of. I was no more important than my younger sibling.

We are a together family. I still agonise over anything that impacts my steps and now my DD. I guess some people are different.

If there is an issue then family time or older boys day out may do wonders. DSS 16 loves a few hours just dad time. He also spends days with just me and his baby sister.

Iceberg - I think if you're giving a lot of consideration as to how you treat all children on a regular basis then that's great

The sort of analysis I meant was focusing on why one child's needs must be met at all times, regardless of how this impacted the family as a whole. Focusing on the needs of the family and how day to day decisions impact everybody is of course entirely healthy

Anyway good luck OP. Hope you figure something out.

The important thing he's losing is not space, it's privacy.

He's 13.

I adored sharing with my siblings throughout my childhood, but I would have been furious if my parents had put a 3 year old child into my room at 13.

And as for it not being a step issue, I agree. It's an age issue. I would do as much as I could to avoid asking a teenager to share with a small child.

In this case there really isn't any option, but dealing with it sensitively is going to make a big difference to how happy this boy is in his home with his father (and whether it feels like home at all).

Luckily for him his SM sounds a decent sort who will do her best by him and not be goaded into upsetting him in pursuit of blunt and thoughtless "equality".

I would put your DS and your DSS together. My DS and DSS share happily (though there's only a 3 year age gap). We presented this to them as the best option, given everyone else's needs and they both accepted it. DSS (who's 9) has a high sleeper with a desk underneath and the boys together worked out who would have which shelves of the bookcase and cuboard. My DS (nearly 13) is of the age that he would prefer privacy, but I've told him he can change in the bathroom if he prefers, which I think he usually does.

We talked to each of them about their concerns about sharing - My DS is required not to leave dirty smelly clothing around the place, and DSS is not allowed to wake DS up in the morning before an agreed time. They are not allowed to mess around with each other's stuff when the other is not there. Overall it works fine - though with a 3 year old you might need to look to give your DSS some drawers/high shelves/etc that the 3 year old can't access to keep things safe.

When my DCs visit their dad's house, DS has a sleeping platform above the living room and DD (9) is sharing with her dad, his wife and 10 month old half-brother. She's also got a high sleeping platform which is her own space. This is a recent arrangement (as they used to share the one bedroom whilst ex and DW slept in living room with baby) but both seem fine about it, despite the loss of space. I think they recognise that the baby needs a bit of space now.

I actually would put DS and DSS in the same room.
Both girls share a room dont' they and your DSS shouldn't be given preferential treatment when he is only there part time anyway.
If he was your and DPs son he would be sharing so it shouldn't be any different because he isn't 'yours'.
My stepdc had their own rooms at DPs when I met him, now they share. DSD moans about it sometimes but we say TOUGH!!! They are children, we are the adults and they don't dictate to us where they sleep.
Also my DS is nearly 13 and shares with his brother who is 9 when the DSC are here, we say the same to him when he moans too, in case I get labelled a WSM!!!!

Totally agree with Kaluki .... it isn't being horrid to DSS for the sake of it, it's a needs must situation. Purpleroses also had some good ideas.

I can see that the prospect of sharing with a toddler might be onerous for many teenagers who might worry about lack of privacy and the potential for a younger child not quite understanding that they mustn't touch certain things - either because they're precious, or because they're dangerous. But that will improve in time and can be relatively easily overcome with, say, lockable storage and/or high shelving. In reality, and in regards to privacy, just how much time will a 13 year old be spending in that room anyway if contact is usually only EOW ? Obviously, it can be explained to him that if he needs quiet time for homework, DS will be kept out of the way, or somewhere else to do homework will be provided. Similarly, I can't really see that if he wants an hour or two to himself during the day on his own that he wouldn't be able to get it ..... IME, most 3 year olds may pop in and out of their rooms but they don't usually spend lengthy periods in there on their own when awake as they want to be with other people - and most parents would want them where they can keep an eye on them!

Don't know if room is big enough, but maybe a screen of some sort could create the illusion of defined areas ? Or a room divider/bookcase type thing ?

This is the sort of conundrum which many families must make the best of - sadly not everyone can afford 1 room per child. As NADM said, if he's part of the family, he should be treated as such - i.e. whatever solution you come up with, if it was the same thing you'd do if the kids were all yours, then that's fine and nothing to feel "guilty" about. I disagree totally with making visiting kids into "guests" and treating them with the same kind of consideration you'd show an old aunt down for the weekend - that sort of thing, where particular children are singled out for special consideration (usually prompted by fear of contact stopping if they aren't pandered to) is very quickly picked up by the other kids who have to like or lump stuff if they protest. Surely the best way of making a non resident child feel like a house is a home is to treat them just as you would anyone else living there permanently ?

If you all lived as a family full time and had 3 children the boy being the eldest, then the 2 sisters and then some years later along came another boy, you would expect that the younger boy would share with his older brother.
Why is it different with a step-brother ?

thank you all very much for your views and input to my question.... my.. there has been alot of debate on this matter which i did not forsee.
1.. we have as a family always done our upmost to include, our dss- who on many an occasion has voiced his opinions that he doesnt want to actually stay at our home and that due to his mums socail commitments and her work..he HAS to, he claims he is bribed/guilted into staying. this has bread resentment for many years between my dh and his ex and does not sit easy with me either , even though i take nothing to do with dss mother.
our dss is very emotional, cries at any given moment..is generally very withdrawn..it pains me to say.. unhappy in our home.
my main reservation to make such a move is that we HAVE tried them together in a room before.. which ended in our dss refusing to stay at our house for over a couple of months..with no visits and no contact.. as he felt "unhappy" we had decided this..despite talking it through with him..etc..
he has a habit and as he lives with his mother locally to just literally walk home.. he does.. soo many times when hes ment to be staying hes literally just up'd and left which leaves us and our dc very upset and confused. as im sure our dss is also.
its a difficult and sensitive situation because of this. it is very hard for me NOT to treat him differently when he is voicing such wishes, and behaving in such a way.
thank you

I understand that it's a different situation but my dsd is 17 and shares with my two dds who are 6 and 3. Dsd stays every other weekend and quite often for a couple of nights during the week. It gets very crowded but they are all fine with it as it isn't permanent.

Only you can really decide, but it really does seem a shame to have an empty room and your three permanent children squashed in one room.

"If you all lived as a family full time and had 3 children the boy being the eldest, then the 2 sisters and then some years later along came another boy, you would expect that the younger boy would share with his older brother."

I wouldn't.

I would put the three younger ones together and make sure the teenager had his own space.

A teenager sharing with a 3 year old has nowhere to go (other than to sleep) after about 7.30 at night.

Being able to retreat to your own space matters a lot at 13 and barely at all under 10.

I'm surprised anyone would assume a 13 year old and 3 year old should share just because they share a gender.

Goodness I wish DSS would want to retreat to his own space sometimes. From7.30pm, that would be bliss. He refuses to go do anything in 'his own space'. Of course every child is different though.

AThing, if its privacy that is the main concern then how do any family with teen
children and not enough bed rooms cope?

Maryjane, has your DSS given reasons why he doesnt want to stay?

I think the crying thing can be fairly normal in teens . DSS use to do this a lot up to age 15 and I think has a lot to do with lack of control. What bothers him?

I would use the new baby as a catalyst and present it as a simple fact that four children can't share a room. And just try to make the "boys' room" as pleasant as possible for your DSS.

IceBerg - can't you see the difference between sharing with another teenage sibling and being 13 and having to share with a 3 year old?

It's so obviously an awkward pairing.

All I'm saying is to bide time and be nice to the kid when taking away his own room in his Dad's house.

It's pretty sad that so many people take exception to that.

If your main point was the privacy though, which it was, then sharing with another teenager would give no more privacy than sharing with a 3 year old. Less so, I'd say. Like another poster said, 3 year olds tend not to spend much time at all in their bedroom when not sleeping.

Well my DSS 16 has his own space on his room but is still downstairs while I've retreated up to my own space for some peace.

"sharing with another teenager would give no more privacy than sharing with a 3 year old."

Nonsense

Teenagers might not get on, or one might not respect the other's privacy.

But at least you have two humans who basically understand what the rules are, even if they are not prepared to accept them.

That is not on the menu with a 3 year old. Everything in the room is fair game to be played with and drawn on and smashed to bits.

Plus the main people you need privacy from as a teenager are your parents. You need your own space to go to (even if you never go there). Another teenager in the space doesn't render it useless as a place to withdraw.

A sleeping 3 year old does.

None of this is remotely controversial to people who don't have step children they resent.

I assume that you thoroughly condemn my DSD mum for her lack of consideration for my DSD's privacy, as I've described upthread then?

Do you have any suggestions on how DP could address that with her?

His experience so far is that giving his DD the privacy you describe is very controversial to his ex !

Just an idea but have you considered using Dss's room as storage space so that the other dc are not overcrowded with stuff?

If you are going to move it all around could you install a locked storage unit for dad and a curtain/room divider for his privacy?

Also, if it were me I would be making sure that dss was involved with the discussion and move before so that he can voice his opinions, I know you might have to ignore them but at least by listening it may be more acceptable to dss.

Everything in the room is fair game to be smashed to bits? I don't know about your children, but my very young child knows that nothing in the house is fair game to be smashed to bits