space/room issues.. dss to share with ds? 10yr age gap??

[maryjane29]

im having a few problems with the space in our home. we have one dss and 3 dc (2 dd's and 1 ds) of our own.
our dss stays with us every 2nd weekend..he has his own room but now my dh has sugessted that our ds move into the room with him..hes 3yrs and dss 13yrs.. ds previously been sharing with his sisters..is it ok for the boys to share?? anyone had experience of any resentment etc due to a move like this.. seems a shame that the room lies empty for much of the month and our 3 dc are squidged in a room together.
thanx x

[MumToTheBoy]

My neighbour has 6 kids - the 2 girls (11 and 17) share one room, and the 4 boys (9,15,16 and 18) share another, in two sets of bunk beds! there's no other way of doing it. The mum has the smallest room. I've hardly ever heard the oldest ones complain about sharing or being with the much younger ones, other than when the youngest boy wet the bed.

I never had my own room when I went to stay at my dads as a kid, I shared with my sister who is 10 years younger then me. I used to dress in the bathroom. Not a big deal. I had my own space at my mums.

If your dss doesn't even sleep over every time he visits then I don't see why you need to leave a whole room empty for him. Your three dc will start to resent him as they get older and realise he's getting preferential treatment over them.

[Petal02]

Having watched my brother lose contact with his son , I would simply be very careful in doing something which appears to be highly likely to cause major ructions. Also, a 13 yr old is more than capable of making choices of his own, and in a court situation would be able to have his say in decisions.

Whilst it?s very sad that your brother has lost contact with his son ? what your post is really saying, is what we?ve been warning against, ie giving the non-resident child his own way, to the detriment of all the resident children, just to ensure that there isn?t any fuss which may result in court action ??..

And this is precisely why so many step families are dysfunctional; everyone is terrified of rocking the boat, and this prevents sensible decisions being made.

[DizzySometimes]

Fantastically put, Petal. I dislike the fact that it's implied that, if you make a decision that's the good of the whole family that will include the stepchild having to make adjustments (along with the other children too - it's not like he's the only one that's affected), then the child can decide to walk. The fact is that, in a non stepfamily, if a decision is made that the child doesn't like, the child doesn't have the option of upping and leaving. They have to deal with it (coping with something you're not happy with - good life lesson, surely??), and learn that compromises need to be made (again, not a bad lesson to learn). In stepfamilies, people pile on emotional baggage (and it's abundant in this thread) about how awful it is for the stepchild, even though parents have come on and said they have done the same with non-stepchildren of the same age. No, it's still because the stepparent resents the stepchild (which the OP has not shown in this thread at all) and parents have to sleep on the sofa/rotate children that live there fulltime/tie themselves into knots or even move house! Great, if you're in the financial situation to do that, but many people aren't.

I agree with others who say that there's no harm in sharing, and I don't see why the children who live there all the time should have to play revolving rooms when there is enough room for each child to have a permanent room, albeit to share.

Good luck, OP!

[NotaDisneyMum]

I add my voice to agree with petal too - as someone who has stood by and supported my DP as he consistently parented his 12 year old DD rather than pussy-footed around her; leading to an 18 month total estrangement with her mothers blessing

Fortunately, that consistent parenting is paying off now, and is forming the basis of a far stronger, more genuine relationship between father and daughter (DD is now 15) Their bond now is not dependent on a defined, measured amount of contact or DDs perceived position within our family