space/room issues.. dss to share with ds? 10yr age gap??

[maryjane29]

im having a few problems with the space in our home. we have one dss and 3 dc (2 dd's and 1 ds) of our own.
our dss stays with us every 2nd weekend..he has his own room but now my dh has sugessted that our ds move into the room with him..hes 3yrs and dss 13yrs.. ds previously been sharing with his sisters..is it ok for the boys to share?? anyone had experience of any resentment etc due to a move like this.. seems a shame that the room lies empty for much of the month and our 3 dc are squidged in a room together.
thanx x

[NotaDisneyMum]

I add my voice to agree with petal too - as someone who has stood by and supported my DP as he consistently parented his 12 year old DD rather than pussy-footed around her; leading to an 18 month total estrangement with her mothers blessing

Fortunately, that consistent parenting is paying off now, and is forming the basis of a far stronger, more genuine relationship between father and daughter (DD is now 15) Their bond now is not dependent on a defined, measured amount of contact or DDs perceived position within our family

[DizzySometimes]

Fantastically put, Petal. I dislike the fact that it's implied that, if you make a decision that's the good of the whole family that will include the stepchild having to make adjustments (along with the other children too - it's not like he's the only one that's affected), then the child can decide to walk. The fact is that, in a non stepfamily, if a decision is made that the child doesn't like, the child doesn't have the option of upping and leaving. They have to deal with it (coping with something you're not happy with - good life lesson, surely??), and learn that compromises need to be made (again, not a bad lesson to learn). In stepfamilies, people pile on emotional baggage (and it's abundant in this thread) about how awful it is for the stepchild, even though parents have come on and said they have done the same with non-stepchildren of the same age. No, it's still because the stepparent resents the stepchild (which the OP has not shown in this thread at all) and parents have to sleep on the sofa/rotate children that live there fulltime/tie themselves into knots or even move house! Great, if you're in the financial situation to do that, but many people aren't.

I agree with others who say that there's no harm in sharing, and I don't see why the children who live there all the time should have to play revolving rooms when there is enough room for each child to have a permanent room, albeit to share.

Good luck, OP!

[Petal02]

Having watched my brother lose contact with his son , I would simply be very careful in doing something which appears to be highly likely to cause major ructions. Also, a 13 yr old is more than capable of making choices of his own, and in a court situation would be able to have his say in decisions.

Whilst it?s very sad that your brother has lost contact with his son ? what your post is really saying, is what we?ve been warning against, ie giving the non-resident child his own way, to the detriment of all the resident children, just to ensure that there isn?t any fuss which may result in court action ??..

And this is precisely why so many step families are dysfunctional; everyone is terrified of rocking the boat, and this prevents sensible decisions being made.

[MumToTheBoy]

My neighbour has 6 kids - the 2 girls (11 and 17) share one room, and the 4 boys (9,15,16 and 18) share another, in two sets of bunk beds! there's no other way of doing it. The mum has the smallest room. I've hardly ever heard the oldest ones complain about sharing or being with the much younger ones, other than when the youngest boy wet the bed.

I never had my own room when I went to stay at my dads as a kid, I shared with my sister who is 10 years younger then me. I used to dress in the bathroom. Not a big deal. I had my own space at my mums.

If your dss doesn't even sleep over every time he visits then I don't see why you need to leave a whole room empty for him. Your three dc will start to resent him as they get older and realise he's getting preferential treatment over them.

[nooka]

I wasn't suggesting it should be used as a threat or that it was a good thing, but having watched my brother lose contact with his son I would simply be very careful in doing something which appears to be highly likely to cause major ructions. Also a 13 year old is more than capable of making choices of his own and in a court situation will be able to have his say in decisions.

Some really good examples given of families that have made it work, it's obviously perfectly possible to work out solutions but I do think they have to be with the agreement of the step son (I'm assuming the other children are much younger). It also seems to me to be somethign that should have been resolved some time ago as clearly somethign is going to give very soon as seven people don't easily fit into a three bedroom house.

[BeehavingBaby]

I have 3 DDs and teenage DSD. We have tried most of the ideas here and a few more and found that calling the boxroom 'DSD's room' but having the youngest child in there when she isn't has been most successful. Us giving up our double bed was the least successful, just used to put me in a bad mood all weekend . We are about to change it though and officially put DD1 (7) in there on the premise that she goes back in with DD2 and DD3, who will share, for visits. DSD nearly 17 though and fine with this.

[allnewtaketwo]

I think that the it would be a mistake to use the child's reluctance to stay with the NRP as a reason to put that child above others. That sort of power shouldn't be granted to a child IMHO, and that could be a very slippery slope to go down

[NotaDisneyMum]

nooka The fact that a child can opt out of contact with a NRP parent is a failing of the resident parent, not something that the RP should hold over the NRP as a threat in order for the child to get what they want

[2gorgeousboys]

We have dealt with a similar situation in a variety of different ways. We have 3 bedrooms and DSS (17) DS1 (12) and DS2 (8).
When DS1 and 2 were smaller they had a room each and DSS shared with DS1.
Then DS1 and 2 shared (out of choice as much as anything) and DSS had a bedroom to himself.
Then a year or two ago DS1 needed his own space too and we had a bedroom which was slept in for 1 or at the absolute most 2 nights every 2 weeks.
So now DS1 and 2 have rooms of their own and when DSS comes DS1 moves into DS2's room and they enjoy sharing for the night as it's a novelty and adventure for them.

I can understand it's harder with a bigger gap and boys and girls added into the mix. A room empty for most of the time does not make sense but I also think it is important that DSS does not feel pushed out - have you asked DSS what he thinks would be a workable solution?

[nooka]

You may well be right but I don't think that you can treat a step child that stays with you on a fairly infrequent basis in exactly the same way as the rest of your children either. It is a different dynamic. For example the relationship between the older boy and the toddler is unlikely to be the same as siblings that live under the same roof all of the time, and most children do not have the option of deciding to live in their other home if they are unhappy. This child does and has exercised that option in the past.

[NotaDisneyMum]

petal the impact of being a special case is very damaging to the NR child, too!

[Petal02]

I'm still amazed that anyone thinks there are merits in 3 children sharing a room, so that one non-resident child can have their own room on the occasions when they visit. Yet again, this illustrates the distorted dynamics of step families. I also agree that this level of analysis would never happen in a together family. No one seems to agonise about how siblings will cope with sharing under 'normal curcumstances' everyone would simply share and get on with it.

Treating the non-resident child with extra-special reverence is unwise. The other children will soon pick up on it.

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

Oh god .. heaven forbid any of these children have to live in a home with more than 2.4 children! Dsis has a number of kids sharing a four bed house, they count themselves lucky to have somewhere to sleep trust me!

Then there's DS1 and DS2, age 15 and 3, sharing a room, oh mercy me do i have to start saving up now for the years of counselling they're going to need to get over such a trauma??

Or when the DSC's visit, that they have to share a room with DS2, DS1 being at his nans usually for the weekend, bc DD will not share her room no way no how with anyone zip zero zilchooooo so DSD is on the top bunk, DS2 and DSS on the 3/4 on the bottom.. better start the saving plan for their counselling to get over that trauma, too.

Sheesh.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

Excuse the typos in my above post!

[colditz]

I think it is perfectly reasonable as a prt time solution, which is all it is.

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

How old are your girls?

I thinking that the boys sharing is perfectly reasonable. Yes teenagers need their space but plenty have to share in their main home. It just isn't always possible for every teenager to have their own room.

On the one hand it sounds as though when you last tired this he threw a strop and got him own way, on the other that he has some emotional issues because you said he is withdrawn.

Is that being dealt with?

If i were you i would leave things as they are until the baby is born and then use that as a catalyst for a (including dss) discussion on sleeping arrangements.

[allnewtaketwo]

Can you find me the part where I said my child was perfect? No-I said he knew that the home and it's possessions were not fair game to bash up. My dss's knew the same at that age. Because they were all brought up that way.

And again the bit where I said my DSS was dreadful for watching tv Downstairs? Again you're wrong, I didn't say that. I was making the point that dsc who don't cone very often actually tend to, in my personal experience, want to spend time downstairs with their father rather than needing privacy in their own roon

[NotaDisneyMum]

athing Sorry to harp on, but how do you suggest my DP negotiates with his ex on his DDs behalf - given that DD is offered none of the privacy you emphasis is so important in her home??

[NotaDisneyMum]

iceberg there's not much In-depth about the automatic assumption that DSC are resented by their non-resident family

[IceBergJam]

How big is the girls room? Big enough for a curtain/ screen? Will small room take cabin beds?

[VolumeOfACone]

You and DH sleep in the living room with the baby, the step son gets his own room upstairs (smallest room as he's hardly ever there), the oldest child gets their own room, the younger two share. That's how I'd do it.

[VolumeOfACone]

How old are the girls?

To be honest, I think it sounds like you'll just have to move. Three girls won't want to share for long. Especially if their (younger?) brother gets a room of his own for most of a fortnight.

Can you give up a room downstairs until you find somewhere else to live?

[IceBergJam]

I think youre trying to apply pop psychology and an in depth analysis to a situation that clearly doesn't require it AThing.

Good luck OP , go with your gut feeling. If seems you still have some time. Perhaps ditch the issue for now and focus on the more important issue of why your DSS doesnt want to stay. Being a stepparent when the kids were younger I use to find it hard balancing needs and demands.

[NotaDisneyMum]

My DD and DSS know that we will always ask for their opinion and take it into account when we make family decisions - but they also know that our home is not run as a democracy, and they do not have a vote.

I have found from bitter experience that giving DCs the chance to be heard is very important to them - as long as that is within an environment where they understand that their opinion is not the only, or most important, one.

Sometimes, a DC comes up with a solution that an adult hasn't thought of

[nooka]

Oh, and if you do decide to move them in together do not 'involve' your DSS in the discussions as there is very little worse than pretending to give someone a say and then overruling their feelings (my sister tried this with her son at a similar age and six years later he is still very angry about it).