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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

School Report ... Is this allowed by mother?

32 replies

AhoySailor · 08/08/2012 16:41

Well my partner has been having many difficulties with his ex lately, but this latest one, I'm not sure if the mum is allowed to do this. Or if anyone else has ever been in this situation.

My partner went to a parents evening last year and told the teacher and deputy head teacher that he was divorced from his childs mum, but he wished to be informed about his childs schooling, events at school, receiving school reports, etc. (because he hadn't told them the year before and obviously wasn't informed about school events, reports, etc that year)

He was told they are used to this and that many separated parents are given separate schools reports and informed individually about events, etc. So that was that.

Partner was getting emails from the school regarding events, etc for many months, then things just seemed to stop. Not a real worry ... most of the emails weren't of too much interest anyway and didn't involve his son.

Now, my partner has been informed by son, 'mummy doesn't want you to know anything about the school, so she went to see my teacher'.

After a very heated discussion with ex over the phone, she explained to dp that she didn't think their sons schooling was of any significance to him, so she had gone to the school to explain that she had soul responsibility for the child and that the father wasn't to be involved or informed of anything.

That will probably explain the stoppage of emails to dp.

That will also explain why dp didn't receive a copy of his son's school report

My partner was absolutely fuming ... at his ex .... and at the school (for actually going ahead on her word and just cancelling things without making contact with him).

So my question is ... Is this actually allowed to happen?
Can mums just go to their children's school and tell them not to inform the father of school related things?
Has this ever happened to anyone here?
Should my partner go to the school and make a complaint?

Any suggestions or advice would be very grateful

Thanks

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 08/08/2012 16:59

It shouldn't happen. He has the right to know as well. He should take it up with the school rather than with his ex and insist on an explanation from them.

20weeksandcounting · 08/08/2012 17:14

No they have a legal responsibility to keep him informed.

He should just go and see the head at start of school year and get it resolved.

Original poster

AhoySailor · 08/08/2012 17:15

Thankyou ImperialBlether that's what I told my partner to do

DP didn't really mean to talk to ex about it, but after his son having said that, I suppose DP just wanted to get to the full story from his ex (so that no wires were getting crossed and son wasn't just talking nonsense ... which he occasionally does)

DP was told the basics of what was on the report by ex and that their son is seen as the 'class clown' ... not sure if that is actually in the report (doubt it), or whether it is just his ex trying to wind him up (probably) ... but his son does sometimes have the attention span of a goldfish and likes 'mucking about', acting like a fool, so there also may be some vague truth in it too.

OP posts:

Original poster

AhoySailor · 08/08/2012 17:17

Thank you 20weeksandcounting

I have also suggested he sorts it out once the schools go back

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 08/08/2012 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

AhoySailor · 08/08/2012 18:01

Yes, NatashaBee my dp does have a copy of his son's birth certificate, so yes, at least that is some form of proof, isn't it?

Yeah, we were quite bamboozled that the school would just go ahead on her word alone without contacting my dp ... very confusing

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 08/08/2012 18:03

My DP had to take a solicitors letter and copy of the CO in to the school before they would accept that his ex was lying!

I would suggest your DP takes this as far as he can - complaint to head, the governors, OFSTED and LEA. It's simply too easy for DCs to suffer the exclusion of a parent when school fail in their legal responsibility

Original poster

AhoySailor · 08/08/2012 18:12

Oh blimey NotaDisneyMum ... can it really get that bad?

Well we have kept all solicitor letters and everything relating to the divorce, so hopefully that will be proof enough ... hopefully it won't even be needed.

I will suggest to him that he talks to the head teacher, but will also suggest when talking to them that he mentions taking it higher (maybe even will just take it higher anyway).

Why?? ... We just still can't believe she went ahead and did this ... (except we can believe, because this is the type of thing SHE does all of the time) ... anything to be slightly awkward (where my dp has the hassle of having to sort things out AGAIN)

OP posts:

20weeksandcounting · 08/08/2012 18:15

I think before he goes in all guns blazing he should have a calm chat with head, they are used to this, I know NADM had a different experience but we found them great, HOY used to personallly ring about parents evening.

Original poster

AhoySailor · 08/08/2012 18:28

My partner is not an all-guns-blazing type of guy 20weeksandcounting (I'm the more likely one to do that ... but his sons schooling has nothing to do with me ... something I let him and his ex deal with ... so no fear he is going to go in there shouting).

DP was even thinking about just sending them a polite email to begin with ... even if it was just to make an appointment

OP posts:

20weeksandcounting · 08/08/2012 18:35

Id go in we found face to face much easier

Original poster

AhoySailor · 08/08/2012 18:42

well that sounds fair enough 20weeksandcounting

DP normally does a lot of his organising by email, due to his working hours being long and not being able to attend meetings during the day, but I do know some school head teachers are willing to meet at the end of the school day, so maybe he'll be able to see them without too much hassle.

Thank you

OP posts:

20weeksandcounting · 08/08/2012 18:47

you are welcome, dh used to have to face his children having to pretend they didnt know him if they bumped into him at school events, in front of teachers, (the youngest used to text him sobbing from toilets, he had 40% custody, the school were really understanding

Original poster

AhoySailor · 08/08/2012 19:12

WTF?? I don't understand 20weeksandcounting

Why on earth did they have to pretend they didn't know him ... especially if he had 40% custody (which is more than my DP has)

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20weeksandcounting · 08/08/2012 19:26

Coz their mum is insane and thats what they felt they had to do for a peaceful life - she once kept them in a car for 1.5 hours because he was in school - and kids complied.

Dh powerless because if he said anything she would take it out on kids.

If I hadnt lived it - I'd never believe it.

VodkaKnockers · 08/08/2012 19:55

Does your DP have parental responsibility?

If the child was born before 1 December 2003 (May 06 in Scotland) and the parents were not married, parental responsibilities are not automatically given.

Original poster

AhoySailor · 08/08/2012 19:59

Oh blimey ... she sounds exactly like the type of person my DP was married to ... completely insane.

That's the type of thing she does too ... frightens her child to the point of tears/being ultra compliant (with her)/not speaking to anyone in DP's family/not eating/not sleeping, etc

Is he free from all this now? ... sounds like you two are having a slightly easier time of it

I'm like you, I wouldn't have believed this woman could be this cruel ... and to her own child too ... if I hadn't witnessed and lived through every turbulent moment with my DP

OP posts:

MissKeithLemon · 08/08/2012 20:00

So sad that some parents can do this

Original poster

AhoySailor · 08/08/2012 20:04

Yes vodkaknockers, thankfully he does have PR

OP posts:

Original poster

AhoySailor · 08/08/2012 20:07

Yes, MissKeithLemon it is very sad that some parents do this to their children ... it is torture ... mental torture

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ILoveOnionRings · 08/08/2012 20:07

As Vodka said with regards to the parental responsibility - but if parents were married at the time of the childs birth the he does have parental responsibility and has a legal right to see the school reports and go to parents evenings etc. Most schools will just make an alternative appointment however I know at our school we will not be drawn into parents battles and will do what is legal IYSWIM.

Start with a letter to HOY or class teacher if primary - copy to the Headteacher (an email during the summer holidays can be easily overlooked). Then follow up in the second week of term, not the first couple of days as they are hectic.

Original poster

AhoySailor · 08/08/2012 20:16

Yes, ILoveOnionRings he was married to that 'woman', so does have parental resonsibility for his son.

It's so frustrating that DP does everything in his power for his son, but he is still stopped by that mother of his child from having access to his son's school report ... just because SHE said so!!!!

it's not right

Yes, we will get this sorted out now, knowing we do have a leg to stand on and it's his right to gain access to his son's reports,etc

thank you all

OP posts:

20weeksandcounting · 08/08/2012 20:23

It's complex - things re contact are horrendous - dsc are now older and literally sneaking up behind mums back - she thinks they aren't seeing us at all.

There are no allegations of abuse etc - ex simply cant bear that she made the wrong choices.

I believe she has borderline personality disorder and that the DCs aren't allowed to have thoughts and feelings about their dad independent if hers.

20weeksandcounting · 08/08/2012 20:24

ahoy there is dept of educTion guidance re this - if I can find it I'll link.

20weeksandcounting · 08/08/2012 20:27

link

This gives resident step parents parental reponsibility from a schools point of view as well.

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