At what age is it appropriate to have this conversation?

[DeliaRose]

Brief background:

I have a 6 year old and split with his Dad when he was just a few months. Contact since had been sporadic (sometimes going months without contact), but the last year or so has been going well.

I met my now husband when DC was 18mo. We now have two more DC aged 3yo and 1yo.

At first my DC called my then partner by a nickname (he just decided not to call him by his name!) but then soon changed to his first name. When our first DC came along this changed (completely his decision) to Daddy "first name". He's since dropped the "first name".

So now he has two 'Daddys' by his own choice.

My ex thinks that we need to make it clear that he is his only Dad, and that my husband is step dad. He has been having conversations with him to this effect and DC is now asking that he not go for overnight contact, I think these conversations make him uncomfortable.

I don't know what to do. Is there any harm in him having 'two daddys'? Certainly when he asks questions he is answered honestly, but it is my belief that this should be very much child led... what do you think?

I'm really surprised by some of the thoughts on this thread and it's interesting for me as I'm currently pregnant with dc2. Dc1 sees his dad every week and they have a fab relationship. Dc1 lives with me and dp and has always called him by his name and nickname. When we told him about dc2 he said " ooh then I'll call (dp) daddy" and was really excited. We said " well you don't have to but if you want that's ok and you'll always have your (real) daddy" - we always say this to him when he wants to discuss family...which he loves getting clear in his mind.

I figured it's up to him, would not cause confusion( he's so clear on who is who) and I'd hate to take this away from him as it clearly made sense to him. Exh will not like it just as I probably wouldn't like dc to call exs gf mum but I'd definitely be able to deal with it. It's only a word after all. Also I don't understand the concept of teasing from peers or society. There are stacks of blended families which evryone's used to; why would this specifically cause problems.?

DSD has already been bullied due the fact she lives with her dad, blended are more common now BUT very few consist of the child living apart from the mum especially if she is alive and still has custody of another half sibling

I see smurf. I suppose it is more unusual in that instance. Poor her, that's really sad. In terms of the name thing though I'd be surprised if that was liable to provoke bullying.

I think the school is failing if there is any bullying for whatever reason. I know lots of kids living in all kinds of families including real 50-50 care, and none have been bullied for it.

Teachers are frequently "accidentally" called Mum. Maybe you can talk with your son and get him to give each important Dad their own special name, just to avoid confusion. Kids often don't listen to parents, so maybe the issue is more his bio-Dads authoritarian style of "discussing" it, which needs to be discussed.

This issue though sounds like the "hurt" lots of parents felt when their kids moved to Uni and then referred to Uni at home as "home". Their parents didn't always realise we also called home "home" when at Uni.

I really think it is best if not too much fuss is made of this.

nobutts - have you talked to your ex about your DS calling your DP Daddy - I think part of the OPs problem is that her DS dad wasn't involved in the decision making, which is now causing problems. The label 'dad' is one that traditionally at least, is exclusively his.

As for teasing/bullying - it happens I've heard my DD and my DSS get defensive & upset over the labels that their friends and even teachers have given the various adults in their lives - and had to deal with taunting DSS has got a step mum. I suppose it depends on the demographics of their social circle. I can well imagine DCs being taunted about having two daddies - kids of about 7/8 years old can be incredibly cruel to others who don't fit in to the norm

Hi disney..No I haven't involved ex because I don't think it's a "decision" to be made by anyone but DC - i.e. it's not about his safety, education, well-being etc which are the things we parent together. I wouldn't expect to be consulted about it if the 'mum' question arose. If i did the only outcome would be EXP trying to stop it which would cause DC stress and feel as though what he wants is bad when I think it's just a small way for him to feel even more integrated and steady in his less-traditional family
I know about the bullying working in education myself but I think i've been lucky in that case with DCs school - a big primary. The idea that having a 'step' parent could be a point of bullying seems bizarre and would have been odd even when i was at school and more diverse family set-ups were less visible in the media etc. DC fits the norm where we live - where there is no 'norm' and the school (and I'd like to think parents) educate well on different kinds of normalcy within families etc.

Having said all that, this thread is certainly opening my eyes and letting me reflect on my initial thoughts about the name thing. Maybe there is more for me to think about.

My DSD calls me by my first name (requested by her mother), she was told to call her ste-dad dad right from the start. However if anyone asks who I am her reply is 'my other mummy'. She refers to me to our neighbours as 'mummy says i can'

Had to smile when a smart mouthed little boy was quizzing her as to why she is only here at weekends, she said I have two houses, boy - so your mum and dad are divorced, DSD - yes, boy - 'oh' in an look down your nose tone, DSD - well I find it better as I have two mummys and two daddys and they all love me and I love them.

DP was hurt at the beginning when DSD was made to call step-dad Dad, mainly because she was forced. However 3-4 years on, he's not as hurt and we find it better to leave it up to DSD to chose what she calls everyone.