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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

At what age is it appropriate to have this conversation?

57 replies

DeliaRose · 01/08/2012 18:10

Brief background:

I have a 6 year old and split with his Dad when he was just a few months. Contact since had been sporadic (sometimes going months without contact), but the last year or so has been going well.

I met my now husband when DC was 18mo. We now have two more DC aged 3yo and 1yo.

At first my DC called my then partner by a nickname (he just decided not to call him by his name!) but then soon changed to his first name. When our first DC came along this changed (completely his decision) to Daddy "first name". He's since dropped the "first name".

So now he has two 'Daddys' by his own choice.

My ex thinks that we need to make it clear that he is his only Dad, and that my husband is step dad. He has been having conversations with him to this effect and DC is now asking that he not go for overnight contact, I think these conversations make him uncomfortable.

I don't know what to do. Is there any harm in him having 'two daddys'? Certainly when he asks questions he is answered honestly, but it is my belief that this should be very much child led... what do you think?

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ChasingSquirrels · 01/08/2012 18:16

I think that 6 is old enough to make it clear how and why his dad is his dad (the biology of it) and his step-dad "isn't" (for want of a better word) and you can link this into how he is his siblings bio-dad.
BUT that his step-dad is a major part of his life and occupies a dad position in his life and if he is happy to call him dad (while understanding the details behind it) then that is his choice (though I can understand his dad's point of view).

SerendipitousHarlot · 01/08/2012 18:16

I would say..... that as he still sees his Dad, calling another man Daddy is wrong and should be discouraged. It would be different if he didn't see his biological father, but he does. It would break my heart if my ds called my ex's gf mummy.

Original poster

DeliaRose · 01/08/2012 18:19

But I suppose nowadays there are a lot more interpretations of the word 'Dad'

OP posts:

Original poster

DeliaRose · 01/08/2012 18:22

He didn't see his biological father very often for a couple of years. We're talking once a month at the very best, once every six months at the worst. This was about the time that we had our 3 year old and his name changed to daddy 'first name'

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 01/08/2012 18:23

well, I don't think there are.
There are different people who might be called dad - but I don't think it is difficult to explain to a 6yo the biological meaning of dad, and the place in his life that his step-dad has.
If his bio-dad wasn't involved and was NEVER going to be then maybe it would be different, though I still think it should be explained what the relationship actually is.
But his dad is around, and at the moment he is involved, so surely it needs explaining and addressing.

I know (from my ds telling me) that both my ds's sometimes call their dad's partner Mum.
Indeed youngest (who is 6y) sometimes calls me "her name" - usually when he has just come back, he also calls my mum "her name" and me "grandma" etc. He then looks at us and corrects himself.

NotaDisneyMum · 01/08/2012 18:42

So now he has two 'Daddys' by his own choice

IMO, a six year old is too young to make this "choice".

Young children look to their parents and carers to help them make sense of their world - and what has happened in your DS case is that he has not had that guidance. He has not been taught to understand the difference between his biological father and his step-dad, and so he has drawn his own conclusions which are now (quite understandably) being challenged by his biological dad, and (presumably) other children, teachers and the wider world.

The long term impact of allowing young children to make choices like this cannot be underestimated - they may seem harmless and child-led when a DC is a toddler, but once they are exposed to the wider world and social convention, the impact can be devastating as it leads them to question so much more about themselves and what they know.

Does your DS school have a family support worker that can help both your DS families work through this?

tittytittyhanghang · 01/08/2012 18:43

no its not too young, just a case of explaining that his bio dad is related by blood whereas his step dad isn't, but imo this isn't something to being making a huge issue of and that it doesn't change anything, he is very lucky to have two dads who love him very much. I dont see anything wrong with calling your dp daddy neither. I would also be having a word with exdp, making it clear that his questioning is making your dc uncomfortable.

NotaDisneyMum · 01/08/2012 19:09

Regardless of whether or not he was involved when his DC was younger, Dad is now an established part of the DC's life - and has an equal responsibility towards him.

The OP cannot influence the way in which her ex chooses to "parent" but hopefully, they can come to a compromise. The OP made a decision about their DS's upbringing when his Dad was not a regular part of his life, but now he has a relationship with his Dad, future decisions can (and IMO should) be made by the OP and her ex together.

Original poster

DeliaRose · 01/08/2012 19:36

"The long term impact of allowing young children to make choices like this cannot be underestimated"

To choose to call his step dad 'dad'?

Yes, his bio father is back on the scene, but we don't know for how long. He has suggested in the past that he may be moving abroad. He holidays without DC, doesn't spend Christmas with him (his choice).

His step dad has, along with myself, raised him:
fa·ther (fär)
n.
1.
a. A male person whose sperm unites with an egg, resulting in the conception of a child.
b. A man who adopts a child.
c. A man who raises a child.

OP posts:

DharmaBumpkin · 01/08/2012 19:44

My DSD calls me Mummy, by her own choice, although her Mum is also still in her life (we have residency though). She knows I am not her Mum, and given the choice between spending a day with me or a day with her Mum, I'm under no illusions that she would choose her Mum in a heartbeat!

In the end, it's just a word... I think if your son has been brought up by your DP it would be worse to differentiate between him and your DH's biological children.

Beamur · 01/08/2012 19:45

I think that the fact your DS changed how he called his step-Dad when the new children arrived sounds to me like he wants to be the same as the other children and sees you all as his family.
This splitting hairs and feeling hurt by what children call you/other people seems immature to me. Your partner has parented this child and your child reflects this by calling him 'Daddy' - as long as he also respects his bio-Dad in the same way, I think all parties need to respect the wishes of the child on this one. I'd say you have to explain it to him where the 2 Daddys fit or else this is just going to be very confusing. My DD is 5 and understands that she has the same Daddy as her siblings, but a different mother - by 6 it's likely that he'll have school friends whose parents have split up too sadly.

Original poster

DeliaRose · 01/08/2012 19:48

Can anyone recommend any books that might be good for us?

I've tried to do a family tree with him, but he just doesn't seem interested. He seems happy with how things are. I'm not about to sit down and have a full and frank conversation with him, he doesn't seem ready and certainly has given no inclination that he wants to know. He know his brothers don't have 'another daddy' but he doesn't seem worried about it.

He has an emotional support worker at school as he had some emotional issues at the beginning of the year - linked to his bio father.

OP posts:

WildWorld2004 · 01/08/2012 19:51

My dd (8) has said that she wants to call my new husband (not even dating) dad. Iv told her she would call him by his name n she says she would call him dad. Should i b demanding that she calls him by his name?

I think your dc is old enough to understand that his bio dad made him n his stepdad loves him & looks after him like he is his dc. Its not difficult.

NotaDisneyMum · 01/08/2012 19:52

delia - if you are considering what ifs (your ex might move abroad, your ex might abandon his DS again) - have you considered what would happen to your DS if anything happened to you?

Which "dad" would have responsibility for him if you weren't able to? Which Dad would make the decisions? Does his biological Dad have PR? Perhaps it would be wise to compromise and work with him over this, rather than override his own feelings about what is best for your DS?

DharmaBumpkin · 01/08/2012 19:52

Is his bio-father a positive influence on his life? Is continuing contact the best thing for your DS?

DharmaBumpkin · 01/08/2012 19:54

Not saying that it's not, I hastily add! Trying to understand your situation, not insinuating a course of action.

Original poster

DeliaRose · 01/08/2012 19:57

Nota - My husband would have PR...this has already been agreed between all parties, and documented. He has lived with him for 4 and a half years, it would be wrong to uproot him from the only permanent home he has known - away from his siblings/friends/school just because another man has a legal right to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

DeliaRose · 01/08/2012 20:01

Dharma- At the moment he is not. He has been berating him for using the term Daddy when referring to stepdad, and has been continually questioning him about the reasons he doesn't want to stay for sleepovers. He has been returning from visits emotional and hostile towards stepdad (first time ever). It took me until 11pm the night after he had returned to soothe him to sleep.

OP posts:

DharmaBumpkin · 01/08/2012 20:10

How regular are his visits at the moment? DSD should see her Mum every second weekend, but that hasn't always happened, at her Mum's choice. Visits with long intervals between have always been followed by more disruptive behaviour, I think because of the heightened emotions all weekend.

We have just accepted that as the outcome of a weekend in a different home, with different rules... To a certain extent I think 2-3 days of minor disruption may be normal.

Original poster

DeliaRose · 01/08/2012 20:13

Every Friday from 4 until 6 on the Saturday. The problems have only arisen since he's been having these conversations. Now DC is saying he doesn't want to go back

OP posts:

AllChanges · 01/08/2012 20:22

It's sad that your son doesn't want to go back - could you have a chat about it with ex? Try & explain the upset it's causing? I think the advice to explain to your son the difference between bio & step is good. It could be that your DS calls your partner Daddy at the moment but change again as he gets older?

DharmaBumpkin · 01/08/2012 20:24

Wow it's a tricky one as I think as a general thing contact should be maintained. Have you talked to your ex about your DS not wanting to go back?

I can understand why he wouldn't like his DS calling another guy Daddy, but at the same time I think he needs to put his DS's feelings first on this one.

Is it worth pointing out to him that the alternative is his DS feeling singled out and potentially not fully part of the family in his own home?

MsIngaFewmarbles · 01/08/2012 20:26

My DD1 (10) calls DH Daddy, she also calls her bio father Daddy. She is perfectly clear as to who is whom but chose to call DH Daddy as she said it made her happy. DD2 (8) calls DH by his first name, that's what she is happy with. DSD (8) calls me 'MsInga' but proudly tells everyone that she has 2 lovely Mummies.

Child-led all the way here :)

MsIngaFewmarbles · 01/08/2012 20:27

All 3 girls have regular contact with all their parents and always have had.

WildWorld2004 · 01/08/2012 20:32

I feel sorry for your ds as he seems torn between your ex n your husband. It sounds like your ds loves them both but is being told off by his bio dad for showing love towards someone important to him. I can understand why he was upset and his behaviour changed and why he doesnt want to go back.

You need to explain to your ex that your ds is saying that he doesnt want to go back & why & see if you can come to an agreement where your ex doesnt talk about your dh when he does visit.

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