Am I allowed to rant?

[mrsmopsmissingmojo]

We have Dcs for most of the summer, a mixture of dh's Dcs, my Dcs and our little dc!

I'm sinking!!!!

It's only been 2 days of all dcs currently 8 and already I have reached end of tether!

Our usual rule is that all Dcs are made to make a good effort at eating all their dinner. My ds is currently been sat at the table did half an hour not eating his salad! However dh's dd (14) has been allowed to throw in thd bin what she didn't want to eat.

When u r cooking for 10 which I often am there's always someone who finds they don't like it. It's disheartening always to be told your food I'd disgusting when you've spent an hour cooking but it's what always happens as j refuse to cook 10 different dinners.

Just want to say it'd not really fair is it!

Other dsd has just rammed a cotton bud in my ds's ear while he's not eating his salad and he has bad ears grommets etc. I scolded her and told her to apologise which she did only to get shouted down by dh.

So I'm on the now! Anyone else care to rant???

Err...I dunno, but making anyone sit there and stare at their plate until they eat their salad, is very unreasonable.
And that's about all I got from that. Sorry...hope your evening improves though.

I don't expect him to eat all, but to try.

8 kids? Christ, how long is that for? How old are they all?
Rant away, how else will you stay sane?! We got back from a weeks holiday with DSS8 and DD20mths on Friday and I was at the end of my rope with both of them! I'd be a wreck with 8 of them!

ems I'm 4 yrs in to being a wicked step mum! I do my best, coz I love dh, but I do find hold hard work!

We have a routine term time, my Dcs, dh's ds and our ds all live together with us, that's 6 Dcs then dss x2 visit at weekends. Dh also has 2 older dds but they don't really visit or need entertaining!

I just get so frustrated by our usual rules that we both agree with going out the window! One of dh's dds has her own set of rules and it's actually just not fair.

I don't know how to tackle it! Today I just feel overwhelmed!

Wow, 8 kids. You must be either a saint or a genius to have made it to four years without losing your mind.

WIth any number of kids, there has to be consistency on the rules, and with 8...how can your DH expect to have any peace whatsoever if he isn't fair and firm about things? :(

Did you mean that your DH shouted you down for telling the DSD off for the ear thing???

As for making kids sit until they have eaten/made an attempt at eating their food - it might not be everyone's way, but it certainly doesn't mean you are unreasonable.

Why is your DH throwing the rules out, selectively? sounds like he's causing the problem?

Yes dh currently is causing a problem. Usually I'd pull him aside and point out the unfairness and usually he would apologise. However we won't get any time to ourselves to discuss anything for the next week!

Consistency is really important ESP with 8. I dont actually mind she threw it in the bin it's just the fact she did it without even explaining and my ds is still expected to eat it. Well nit now clearly IRS

Oops posted too soon. Not now as it's bed time and all done and dusted.

Step parenting is soooo hard! It's the hardest thing I've ever done

mrsmop sending you big hugs.

I am step mum to 2 plus my 3 and I really struggle with the one rule for one and another for another kid.

My dp is much much softer than I am... His dc's live with him full time and they are bone idle. They are never expected to lift a finger and guilt trip him into mcdonalds, treats etc...

I'm a lot stricter. fair enough my kids are alot younger, my oldest is 7 and his are 15 and 11 but even so. My 7 and 6 year old are expected to help tidy up, etc etc and his don't have to. It's just not fair.

We don't live together but spend alot of time together and I'm dreading us all moving in together in one respect because I know that we will have to tackle this issue.

I know that dp wants to be firmer and sees that his kids walk all over him. He's much more supportive with my kids. But, the crux of it is, that his kids know they have him over a barrel. If something doesn't go their way then they go moaning to their mum and then she has a go at dp, calling him pathetic etc etc.

Sorry to hijak, felt much better to get all taht off my chest. Stick with it and have another glass of wine!!!

How did you guess...I've already had 2 glasses!

I used to be so consistent with my Dcs and giving in for an easy life didn't really come into it as much as it does now. The problem is more pronounced with his elder dd, she seems to have her very own rule book. When I point it out to dh he agrees Its wrong but then does nothing about it! They argued about 18 mts ago and she didn't see him for 8 mts. I think he's scared if he upsets her she may do same again. I would say to that well she might throw toys out the pram for a bit but as long as she knows doors always open that's what's important and it's better and fairer to be consistent and then all Dcs know where they stand.

It was such an easier life when I was a single mum. I live dh very much, he's a great dad to my Dcs even though mine have their own dad. I just do feel like I'm compromising myself an awful lot.

My advise would be to resolve your differences of opinion before you love in together. Or in 4 years time u may be writing my post!

mrsmop you are definately right.

We have spoken about it before and agreed that we need to be consistent and tbh, it's one of the things that needs to be sorted before we could move in together.

I can see things from his point of view, and I understand parenting teenagers is a whole new kettle of fish which I haven't had to do yet... But I still find it so frustrating that he can see very clearly with my kids when they have gone too far, but with his own kids he just can't seem to see it. Although, since he has met me, he has toughened up an awful lot.

I was quite shocked although it made me feel alot better to read on here that there are other ladies who are struggling with step parenting. I never thought that a child could come between me and my husband/partner, but that was before I met dsd...

Yes they can definitely try! But they don't always get away with it!

My Dcs are v well balanced but mainly coz I never lied to them always talked to them about everything etc etc. They were fine about me dating. But other people's Dcs may not have that upbringing. I was totally nieave really.

I can honestly say I have given step parenting 110 % but it is soooo very hard. I have also found when I've Previously posted about dsc that some mners jump to the dsc s defence. They can actually be horrid, very cruel and damaging. Of course you have to rise above it but I don't actually think they should be allowed to get away with it. My dh doesn't find my Dcs hard work in the same way I find his but then mine aren't horrible to him as I've brought them up not to be rude.

I could write the book sometimes I wonder how life would have been if I had stayed on my own. Is that wrong?

no it's not wrong... It's very difficult. I have found it very easy to get caught up in my new realtionship and be happy in myself that I have found such a lovely man in dp, but it's not that simple is it?

I know that I have to put my dc's first and that's hard. It's also very difficult to know how to discuss it all with dp without it sounding like I'm having a go at him as I don't want him to become defensive.

Both his dc's are just different to my kids. They are much more demanding kids and they need entertaining whereas mine are quite happy left to their own devices. I mean, they will happily play for hours and I'm just there to feed and water them basically.

That is another thing that I have struggled with with dp. I know my kids are younger so they go to bed earlier so I have more time to myself in the evening, but I am used to my kids doing their own thing so that I can get on with stuff, whether it's doing some gardening or housework or having a 5 minute cup of tea. But with dsc's you just don't get a minute to yourself. They are so demanding, it's stifling.

I guess maybe I need to stop worrying about the little things and pick my battles with them, because there are some things that I just won't accept and I spoke to dp and told him straight. Like being spoken to like a peice of shit, and all this constant arguing and answering back all the time, seemingly just for the sake of it?

In some ways I can see why he does allow them to get away with it, because it's much easier just to give into them, it's easier to give them a can of coke than argue about it for hours. But it really upsets me sometimes the way that they treat him and emotionally blackmail him over tiny petty things, just because they can. And I would be devastated if my kids ever spoke to me like that.

Sorry feel like I'm just rambling on here. It's funny though how things will be going great then something happens and it all just gets on top of you and then after you calm down you remember that they're just kids at the end of the day and then you feel bad

Eight? EIGHT????
Respect!!!!
I would be drinking by the bottle if I had eight of them!!!
Seriously, this is your DHs fault.

You need to get him on his own and read him the riot act. He should not be allowing his dd to undermine you like this.
This will be me next week - but I will only have 4.

Keep posting - my lot won't seem so bad when I read about you coping with EIGHT of them !!!!

humpty and kaliki thankyou for being my sounding board!!!! It's much better to get it out on here then spend my day being in a total lonely strop!!!

Humpty we had the coke incident yesterday with dsd. I don't like it in the house but she claims it's all the drink at home !!!

Clearly dh is in the wrong and he knows I'm upset. We spoke in the phone earlier as I'm not very good at borrowing it up all comes out with a big bang. He has promised to make sure next time she uses bad language to give her proper telling off! If any of the others did which they don't, quite rightly he'd go ballistic!!

We do have 10 in total and I agree it is very very hard.

If I knew how hard at the beginning I wouldn't have got into it! I suppose it's my own fault for falling head over heels in live with dh now isn't it???

Sorry for poor typing!!! Clearly fingers under stress!!!

We have the coke issue too.
DSC drink it morning noon and night and mine are only allowed it at weekends and that is one glass only. DSC have bad teeth and lots of fillings, mine don't.
They just have to accept the different rules in different houses.
And your DH has to back you up.
I agree - it is better to rant on here than to get in a stress in RL and we do have to pick our battles. I'm sure I'll be on here a LOT next week!!!
I would never have fallen in love with DP if I'd met his kids first - I'd have run for the hills!!!!

lol kaluki at running for the hills!!!

I find that I can tolerate the crappy times with the dsc's as long as I get a bit of time to myself with dp... that's the bit I really struggle with and the kids don't see that. It's easier for me because mine are younger so I just send them to bed but the older dsc's are much harder because they are real hangers on and they don't take the hint and make themselves scarce.

This is threatening to become an issue for me because the longer it goes where I don't get even 10 minutes with dp, the more I think what's the point in having a relationship. If I wanted to run a mad house full of kids all day then I could just invite all dc's friends over all the time.... or is that just selfish? I'm talking about wanting to have 2 hours alone to have dinner together once a week or fortnight????

Humpty - that is exactly how I feel.
My DSD is the most needy clingy child I have ever met. She has real issues! She will not leave our side for a second.
So from the time they arrive to the time they leave I resign myself to the fact that I can't sit next to DP, can't hug him or even stand next to him at the sink as she is always between us. She is a lovely girl but I find her draining and suffocating and I'm not at all used to this, having two boys who are very self sufficient and can amuse themselves for hours at a time with their lego or in the garden and only surface when they are hungry!
If I didn't have every other weekend without them we wouldn't survive!!!

kaluki I totally get you. The problem I have is that dsd lives full time with dp and like yr dsd seems to have serious issues and isn't even interested in her friends so is literally hanging around 24/7!!!

I have decided I will speak to dp over the next few days about us fitting in a designated Date night for us to go out ALONE!!! And I will put my foot down that this is what I want and need for my own sanity.... we'll see how that goes!

In the meantime, I am dsc free today and there almost feels like an air of relaxation in the house. My dc's are like yours. They go off and play and come find me when they're hungry, even ds2 who is only 2 is happy pottering about on his own. I'm glad we have a day off to ourselves. I feel terrible when I see my kids like this because I realise how the whole blended family is so hard for them too.

That is the worst part isn't it... judging the affect it all has on your own dc. DSD even tried to get between me and my dc but I nipped that in the bud. I used to literally have to peel her off me to give DS a hug . She now knows that they have first dibs on my attention!!!
Luckily all four of ours get on well together but I crave time with just my boys as they are so easy and fun, whereas everything is a constant battle with the steps.
Just as well I am taking my boys away on my own for a week this year. I can't wait!!

have a great time. Luckily me and my 3 had a week together in May which really helped us to re-focus on ourselves

Oh ladies!!! Its so confirming to hear I have exactly the same situ here. Dss lives with us and even at 13 feels the need to sit on daddy's lap! My son hasn't wanted to do this since he was little he's only a year older at 14.

Night before last I said to dh, at 11pm so are you coming to bed then??? Soooo bloody clueless he is sometimes! Errr no he says! Just gonna watch tv with dsd a bit longer! So when he finally came to bed at 1am I told him to go back downstairs and sleep on the sofa.

I also resent no time with my Dcs on my own. I have suggested we all have a bit if one to one with our own but it goes down as a rejection. I have one week in the summer where I get my Dcs to myself and I can't wait. It only happens once a year now

Dont die of shock today dsd has been brill! Dh got called out on a job after promising I could work from home today! she looked after our 10 month old for 3 hours and even withstood baby falling to sleep on her with poo in nappy! Bless her that is quite a task!!

After a week of being a but thirsty she's agreed on apple juice

For one day at least a contented house!

What you need to do is get a huge piece of paper and decide what " house rules " are most important to you ( and dh ) .

Write them on the paper and hang it up in a public area of your house where everyone can see .

Herd up the kids and make a point of reading the rules to them with the point that they are the House Rules and everyone must stick to them , no special treatment .

If rules are broken , then there must be consistent and fair punishment .( age appropriate , write these on too )

The kids will fall into line after a few days of kicking out against it .

DH must obey the rules too , as you need him onside to make this work .

Once he understands that universal treatment of the kids is essential to a fully functioning , successful blended family , where everyone feels they have an equal place then parenting the masses will be easier ( and sometimes fun )

We learned the hard way . Dh's oldest child was indulged more than the rest of the kids , and she has grown up thinking that acting like a spoiled brat is ok , so she's too old to be trained out of it now .( 20 years old ) .

We are much more consistent with the remaining children , and have very few problems with .

Best thing is if you and dh have to spend less time sorting out the kids , then you will have more time to do nice things with them , and for each other too .