Oh my goodness

[theredhen]

it's official, DSD2 aged 14 wants to move in with us full time. She had a row with Mum, wanted to stay with us for a couple more nights, but she is now saying she doesn't want to go back except for every other weekend and wants to stay with us the majority of the time.

Meanwhile, the ex wife who has witheld contact between DP and his 2 youngest kids for months now, declaring abuse from DP towards them, trying to get police and social services involved and getting us a fair way down the court proceedings route has suddenly decided that we can start to have contact again and go back to exactly as it was. She has made herself look a complete idiot, she was even making the kids go to the next town as she didn't want DP in her town picking up and dropping off the eldest kids, now all of a sudden, we're allowed to her house again. No co-incidence that DSD2 has been refusing to see Mum and she is panicking and thinks by allowing DP contact with the others, we won't play the same game as her, and stop DSD2 from seeing her.

My head is all over the place. DSD2 is very different from the 3 other children and I get on with her much better, I can see similarities between myself and her but the reality is I don't know if I can deal with bringing up someone elses child full time. What if I get attached and then she clears off back to Mum? can I really "share" my time between DS and DSD as well as working full time and living in the back of beyond? I'm going to find it hard enough during the week and then the weekend will be filled with the 2/3 other children and their arrogant, rude behaviour. The thought of the whole situation is filling me with dread and fear. I think the weekends with the other kids is more frightening though than DSD being there all the time. At least I have some opportunity to treat DSD as I do DS and she is much better mannered and behaved than the other 3 anyway.

It makes me really upset to think of losing my evenings with DS, those special times of watching a film or teaching him a new skill when DP goes out, I feel I will lose this time at worst, or now have to share with DSD and I'm not sure, I want to, which in turn makes me feel terribly guilty.

To add to the mix, DP ex is going mental and wanting to wait for DSD outside school, constant texting (which DSD has apparently, all but one time ignored), DSD has said the more Mum tries to push her, the less time she wants to spend with her.

DSD Mum and maternal grandmother have expressed concern about DSD2 state of mind, they have said they think she might have an eating disorder and might be experiencing hallucinations based on diary comments they have found, but no hard proof. I have seen no evidence of this, although, obviously I haven't been looking for it, but will do now. My gut feeling is that they are wrong and trying to find justification for DSD not wanting to live with Mum anymore rather than Mum look at her own behaviour.

Ironically since the counselling session last week and since this has all kicked off, DP has been saying that I am always right in my opinions and views and that he sometimes just takes some time to see it. I've been pretty blunt with him about his other kids and he has told me he doesn't really want DSD here all the time as he enjoys our time together and the fact that he gets a rest (he will spend an average of an hour per evening driving DSD about now). He's told me he knows his eldest is rude and disrespectful and that his youngest is an attention seeker. He's saying he wants DSD to have the same chores as DS etc but I know he really has no idea how to enforce consequences etc., so unless he's going to start listening to me, it's a disaster waiting to happen.

Also, this is DP busy time of year and he will be working 15 hour days, it means that we only had his children for every other weekend contact and one night in the week, we didn't do the 50/50 as it is supposed to be in the rest of the school holidays, this meant that I really looked forward to the summer and saved up my holiday time from work to spend days with DS and now I have to accept that I have to share that with DSD and I'm not sure I want to. Then I feel sick with guilt. Then I think how nice it will be to have a "ready made" family of 1 boy, 1 girl. Then I remember how much influence the ex has in our home and don't believe that will change.

I feel like a puppet in a show and everyone else is allowed to pull my strings. DP and his ex have created the whole situation and yet it is me who has to deal with it. By allowing one child to cut contact with his father, she has taught DSD2 that she can cut contact with her Mother too. "We reap what we sow" as they say.

I don't think I could imagine doing it even if we won the lottery and DD had a massive room. She lives in the house too, and I wouldn't want her to feel pushed out like that if I got into a new relationship. I wouldn't have done it if I was still with her father, so I wouldn't do it now IYSWIM.

I wouldn't be able to relax with my partner because I'd feel like I was excluding DD from her own front room just to have time for my 'new' relationship.

I just stay up later than her!!

Some households operate differently couthy - our kitchen and conservatory are the family rooms and DD/DSS wouldn't dream of joining us if we were sat in the living room - they say it's too posh! We don't have TV, so they spend time reading and entertaining themselves - either in their own rooms, together each others rooms or sometimes they like to keep me or DP company in the office

Funny how different households do things differently, isn't it - and yet despite that, most DCs turn out just fine

We can't stay up later than the DSCs! They sleep until noon or later (DSS got up at 4 yesterday...) and are practically nocturnal, whilst DH and I are up early to deal with a dog and a toddler. :)

I suspect we just feel differently about the 'pushed out' thing...I really don't see that at all. I give my teenage DSCs more or less complete privacy in their rooms or when they have friends round...I don't even enter their rooms when they are not there to collect laundry, nothing. I don't ask for anything like complete privacy in return, but I do expect them to give me space when I also have friends around, or when DH and I are having a conversation and they enter the room, or when DH and I would like to be alone. To me, it is not about pushing out, it is about respect for privacy - and yes, also recognition that as the adults, DH and I get to decide how space in the home is used.

I don't see my marriage as a "new relationship" anymore...sure, it may feel 'newer' to the kids than it does to me (I'm not sure about that, though), but at some point, a household and a marriage needs to normalise and the adults need to be able to have an adult and private relationship. I'm not going to avoid kissing my husband in front of the teenage kids, at this point, and I don't think it does them any harm to see that we are happy.

I do (with some qualifications and with the caveat that it isn't always possible) agree with you about not having restrictions/rules for the DSCs that I wouldn't have for my own DD...in our case, I expect actually there will be many more restrictions on DD than on the DSCs.

Ah, my 14yo DD has a set bedtime, she goes to bed (lights out and sleep) at 10pm on a school night, and 11pm holidays and weekends.

I guess it will be different once she is past school age, older teen.

Or maybe I'm just very strict on bedtimes?!

I wouldn't place caveats on it though, it would be (and was when I was a SM) the same rules for all, though those rules were and are age-dependant.

So when DSD1 was 10yo, she was allowed to stay up till 9.30pm at weekends.

Though I had split up with that partner by the time my own DD turned 10, she got the same leeway and same bedtime.

Why would it be ANY different, in anything, between DC's and SDC's? You agree house rules for ALL DC's with your partner, and you stick to those rules for all DC's in the household, surely?

Otherwise it is very divisive.

(And I also have an early rising toddler too, so I sympathise with that, but I wouldn't push out my DD, or any SDC's, in order to get time for my relationship like that. I would choose to get a friend to babysit if I want time alone with my partner, and I would choose between sleep and relationship before making my DD or any SDC's feel pushed out like that!)

Same here about staying up later than teens. I need at least 8 hours sleep, dsc need less but also dp and I are up 3 hours earlier than dsc. I need that time to wind down in the evenings. Dp often falls asleep on the sofa before dc have even gone to bed.

Privacy is something that disappears when you have teenagers, whether they are your own DC's or SDC's.

I know what you are saying, couthy but I think (and I am speculating here because I am not in this situation myself) that where the kids go between two homes, this is probably not always entirely possible. I'm thinking of some things that have come up on threads here in the past, for instance, where something can't be easily confined to 'one house' - pocket money, or rules about clothing or dating. Sometimes the parents in the two households can't agree, and it seems that then - no matter how desirable as an ideal - it becomes unattainable, IYSWIM.

So yes - one can try to have 'our house, our rules' and in an ideal world, that works, but in reality I do think itis not almways possible or desirable for all the kids to have the same rules.

For me - and here I don't have to speculate - there is a big age gap, and my DSCs already had many rules 'defined' by their life before I came along...for instance, the approach to video games and tv (no restrictions on time or ratings). This is not palatable to me when it comes to raising DD, though

I don't want to argue about the specifics of that issue - whether I am right or wrong to put limits on her viewing please - but the point here at least is that my (and my DH because he is actually in full agreement on this now having changed views!) rules on this topic are different from what my DH and his First Wife agreed between them. And there are other things like this...To have one set of rules for all the kids, in my case, 'same rules for all' would mean either that I was forced to raise our DD according to the standards set up by my DH and his First Wife long ago, or the DSCs would be asked to radically change some of their behaviours and expectations in ways which, frankly, I don't think it would be fair to ask of them at this point.

Because DD is a toddler and they are teenagers, the different rules are easier to deal with - but I don't envy people with kids closer in ages who must sort out mutual house rules, etc.

Privacy is something that disappears when you have teenagers, whether they are your own DC's or SDC's.

Again, we just have vastly different views on this. My own parents expected privacy, and got it, and so do we.

omg just reading this and my head is spinning, op it sounds like a nightmare, i feel sorry for you being stuck in the middle and admirably worrying about doing the right thing, i also feel very sorry for your dp's children who are it seems being horribly let down by their mum and a dad who obviously loves them but cant seem to parent :(

with regards to teens and evenings, we are just entering that, eldest almost 13 and we do say that actually he has to go up to his room at a reasonable time or he will be in another room downstairs so dp and i get some child free time, not every night, he can stay up later on non-school nights and even when in his room he can read, listen to music etc but i think its fine for children/teens to realise and learn that actually their parents need some time to themselves. i grew up with this rule and was fine with it and its what we are implementing with ours.

thankfully i dont have the issue of step children, unless dp has a very big secret he hasnt told me in the last 15yrs!

I never wanted to sit with my parents as a teen!
I only came out of my room to eat or wee. I was a hermit!

privacy is something that disappears when you've got teenagers

I'm going about it all wrong then! As my DD has got older, I've offered and encouraged respect for her own and other peoples privacy!

I know from bitter experience the inherent risks of having teenage step-siblings living together in close proximity; and a few ground rules about personal space, privacy and respect go a long way to address those.

I agree NADM.
Privacy works both ways - all dc need to learn boundaries and to respect others need for space and time alone in the same way that parents need to learn to respect their teens personal boundaries too.

"Privacy is something that disappears when you have teenagers, whether they are your own DC's or SDC's"

What a load of nonsense. If a child doesn't learn respect for their own and other people's privacy as a teenager then they never will