Oh my goodness

[theredhen]

it's official, DSD2 aged 14 wants to move in with us full time. She had a row with Mum, wanted to stay with us for a couple more nights, but she is now saying she doesn't want to go back except for every other weekend and wants to stay with us the majority of the time.

Meanwhile, the ex wife who has witheld contact between DP and his 2 youngest kids for months now, declaring abuse from DP towards them, trying to get police and social services involved and getting us a fair way down the court proceedings route has suddenly decided that we can start to have contact again and go back to exactly as it was. She has made herself look a complete idiot, she was even making the kids go to the next town as she didn't want DP in her town picking up and dropping off the eldest kids, now all of a sudden, we're allowed to her house again. No co-incidence that DSD2 has been refusing to see Mum and she is panicking and thinks by allowing DP contact with the others, we won't play the same game as her, and stop DSD2 from seeing her.

My head is all over the place. DSD2 is very different from the 3 other children and I get on with her much better, I can see similarities between myself and her but the reality is I don't know if I can deal with bringing up someone elses child full time. What if I get attached and then she clears off back to Mum? can I really "share" my time between DS and DSD as well as working full time and living in the back of beyond? I'm going to find it hard enough during the week and then the weekend will be filled with the 2/3 other children and their arrogant, rude behaviour. The thought of the whole situation is filling me with dread and fear. I think the weekends with the other kids is more frightening though than DSD being there all the time. At least I have some opportunity to treat DSD as I do DS and she is much better mannered and behaved than the other 3 anyway.

It makes me really upset to think of losing my evenings with DS, those special times of watching a film or teaching him a new skill when DP goes out, I feel I will lose this time at worst, or now have to share with DSD and I'm not sure, I want to, which in turn makes me feel terribly guilty.

To add to the mix, DP ex is going mental and wanting to wait for DSD outside school, constant texting (which DSD has apparently, all but one time ignored), DSD has said the more Mum tries to push her, the less time she wants to spend with her.

DSD Mum and maternal grandmother have expressed concern about DSD2 state of mind, they have said they think she might have an eating disorder and might be experiencing hallucinations based on diary comments they have found, but no hard proof. I have seen no evidence of this, although, obviously I haven't been looking for it, but will do now. My gut feeling is that they are wrong and trying to find justification for DSD not wanting to live with Mum anymore rather than Mum look at her own behaviour.

Ironically since the counselling session last week and since this has all kicked off, DP has been saying that I am always right in my opinions and views and that he sometimes just takes some time to see it. I've been pretty blunt with him about his other kids and he has told me he doesn't really want DSD here all the time as he enjoys our time together and the fact that he gets a rest (he will spend an average of an hour per evening driving DSD about now). He's told me he knows his eldest is rude and disrespectful and that his youngest is an attention seeker. He's saying he wants DSD to have the same chores as DS etc but I know he really has no idea how to enforce consequences etc., so unless he's going to start listening to me, it's a disaster waiting to happen.

Also, this is DP busy time of year and he will be working 15 hour days, it means that we only had his children for every other weekend contact and one night in the week, we didn't do the 50/50 as it is supposed to be in the rest of the school holidays, this meant that I really looked forward to the summer and saved up my holiday time from work to spend days with DS and now I have to accept that I have to share that with DSD and I'm not sure I want to. Then I feel sick with guilt. Then I think how nice it will be to have a "ready made" family of 1 boy, 1 girl. Then I remember how much influence the ex has in our home and don't believe that will change.

I feel like a puppet in a show and everyone else is allowed to pull my strings. DP and his ex have created the whole situation and yet it is me who has to deal with it. By allowing one child to cut contact with his father, she has taught DSD2 that she can cut contact with her Mother too. "We reap what we sow" as they say.

I keep telling him that DSD is being unreasonable and if she really wants to swap things around, then she will be seeing her Mum Fri after school to Mon before school this weekend. Instead, DP is pussy footing round her trying to get her to spend 30 mins with her Mum at a time of her convenience. He wants to listen to me but is too weak to follow through what I am saying.

Exactly Kaluki. I either need to find some way to accept this life of never knowing what is happening or I need to leave.

Ironically I think DS will be angry at me for taking him away from DSC. He likes having them around, but by the same token, how hurt will he be when DSD disappears off? He has already told my friend he misses DSS and feels angry with him because he won't come to us anymore.

Counsellor has told me that DS only feels that I am his stability. By living in this situation, I am not teaching him that anything or anyone else is a constant.

When I was single I used to say that I wouldn't be with anyone who made me worse off than being a single Mum. In the forefront of my mind was money in that statement, but I think maybe that should apply to emotional and practical issues too.

Yes. absolutely. This is my benchmark too. And it has to mean not just money - but everything else you need to provide for yourself and your son.

This all came up since you saw the counsellor together, right? So you haven't talked about it with him - maybe that could help?

I'm sitting here trying to think of how to word it to DP, because I feel whatever I say, he will turn it back on me telling me I don't want his kids. If I try and insist DSD sees her Mum, he won't push her, just ask her gently then offer to take her shopping for all the extra clothes she needs now she's living with us (he did this earlier!).

I just want to know what I am doing, who is where and when. I want the children around me to be open and honest, but they're not being taught that by either parent. I want consistency but he won't offer me that because he feels that it's not down to him, it's not his decision to make.

I am very emotional at the moment but I am feeling very strongly about leaving and being free of all this drama.

redhen Rather than focus on the DC's, you could focus it on him. If it were me, and my relationship was at make or break like yours is, I would use the opportunity of counselling to tell him like it is.

To tell him how little respect you have for someone who places such low value on the relationship between his DC's and their mother by allowing them to chose whether or not to see her.

To tell him how much his lack of respect for you hurts you - when he pussyfoots around his DSD rather than parenting her, expecting you to put up with whatever the outcome of his choices are.

To tell him how angry you are that his choice not to parent his DCs has hurt your DS.

And to tell him how his refusal to fight for your relationship is clearly a sign that it doesn't mean that much to him - that it is his choice to don the victim t-shirt, rather than stand up for what is important to him.

What have you got to lose? You are at breaking point - all you want is for him to fight for your partnership, to step up and begin to participate in trying to save the relationship. You can't save it on your own, and unless he makes the effort as well, then you can keep trying for another week, month, year and it won't make any difference

NADM, Yes, I do plan on saying all that and more at counselling. And I think you make a good point about focusing on our relationship rather than on the relationship with the kids and their behvaviour etc.

If I can let him know how I feel let down and disappointed because of his behaviour and attitude, then maybe I can get my point across better.

It's ironic that DP and I actually get on really well and hold the same values in theory but it's his non execution of them that really is the problem. He knows he is wrong, he knows he is weak but when I try and talk to him about this, he then tries to say that he has different values and just because they are not the same as mine, that we disagree. This is just bollock not true, as he is just trying to justify his weakness.

I do keep just coming up with one question in my head "can you live with this unpredictability forever, Redhen?" and the answer is always a firm "no".

It?s ironic that DP and I actually get on really well and hold the same values in theory, but it?s his non execution of them that really is the problem.

That?s an excellent point, and I hope you say this to your counsellor.

Well counselling is making slow progress. Talked a lot about dp childhood and how he never had much warmth from his parents and how every time I try and communicate with dp, he just hears his parents criticising him.

Counsellor has said that neither of us have power in relationship and that it's a lack of intimacy and communication that is our problem not the kids and ex.

Apparently I'm do used to being mum, dad, aunt, uncle, sister etc to my ds that I can't let anyone else in. Having given that some thought I think it's actually that I have no respect for my dp parenting with his own kids, so no way I'm going to want him to parent ds is there?!

Apparently we have different parenting "styles". More like, I parent and dp doesn't!

Dsd is being treated like fine china and being apologised to for not running around after her enough, dp got three other members of his family to chase around after Dsd do she didn't have to spend 30 mins with her mum. He's told me hes frightened Dsd will go back to her.

I've always really liked Dsd but I can feel the resentment building and I know it's not her fault.

OP, I'm nearly having a panic attack reading about this. I couldn't bear it.

The weekends you mention above sound really awful. I wouldn't want to be at home.

I couldn't get involved with someone who had such a messy setup and such a poor relationship with his ex.

You also sound a bit fed up of living in the back of beyond. Is there any way you could move out with your son? You could keep the relationship going if you wanted to, but you'd have firm boundaries about who was living in your home and how they were behaving.

Imperial - I was completely naive when I moved in, didn't think his terrible relationship with his ex would affect me negatively at all. How wrong was I?

I could move back to my own house and this seems like more and more of a possibility as he just won't listen to me.

It's good to read the opinions on here as they're quite contrary to his "you're making a fuss over nothing" comments!

redhen I too was totally naive about the power of the ex. My dp's ex is beyond vile. She is totally poisonous and a total nightmare. I never realised the extent that she would impact on our relationship but at times it's like a 3some because she's always there hovering in the background.

I have told dp many times that ultimately it will be his ex who pushes us apart if we let her. He seemed shocked by this, but that's the truth.

On the other hand my ex is vile too but luckily has fucked off overseas thank god. If I had to deal with my ex as well as dp's I just wouldn't be able to do it

To be honest, she's awful but he is also playing the game and it all becomes a competition to see who can get the most time and attention from the kids, heaven help anyone who wants to teach the kids right from wrong!

Ultimately it's up to our partners to protect us from their exs. I limit the impact of my exs bad parenting and unreliability on dp but he seems incapable of doing the same for me.

I think they both want the world to revolve around them and their kids.

redhen you are right. They need to realise that ex's belong in the past. Obvioulsy they need some kind of relationship to communicate about dc's but my dsd refuses to see his mum unless she comes to the house and dp feels guilty about dsd not seeing his mum much so allows her into his house to visit dsd. That would be fine except ex-w actually spends very little time with dsd, mostly she hangs around with dp. I loathe her. If I'm there she just wants to sit with me and dp rather than her own kids.

The very worst part about her is that she poisons dsc's. She fills their heads with lies and ridiculous ideas which they then parrot back at me and dp. And then the very best one is when something doesn't go dsc's way, they threaten to ring her and report it all to her. or better still they say they want to go and live with her....

Dsd has just started saying he wants to go and live with her and I honestly think dp should call his bluff and take him to her house. Dsd wouldn't last more than a few hours. ex-w has a new partner who wouldn't allow dsc's to live there, so why she eggs them on is beyond me... She tells them she wants them to go and live with her when she know#s fine well it can never happen.

Just makes you want to scream

sorry meant to say that although dp doesn't encourage ex-w, he also doesn't pull her up for her behaviour. so by turning a blind eye does that mean he is encouraging her????? I don't know, it's all so confusing.

With my ex, there are very strict limits on what I will allow from him. Our relationship ended very badly and I need to protect myself and my kids from him. He does not come in my house. He does not have my home phone number. His contact with kids is monitored by me and if he upsets the kids then I see it as my job to protect kids from him. I don't see why dp is so lenient???

Omg that makes me sound like a complete control freak and I'm not. My ex-h was extremely physically and emotionally abusive to me and the kids...

If she wants to see her kids, then you should both make them available to her to take out. If she doesn't want to, then you both have your answer about whether she wants to maintain a relationship with them.

SHE wants to sit in your house with you? What about what YOU want in your own home?!

Bloody Hell Humpty!!!
Hell would freeze before I would let DPs ex in my house!!!!
DC or no DC !!!
My ex comes in to pick the kids up and occasionally has a coffee while he is waiting but he is a decent reasonable ex and him and DP get on great as they both do similar jobs and support the same team!!!

sorry ladies, correction, me and dp don't live together. ex does not come in my house... over my dead body. But she refuses to take dsc#s out and dp has ended up guilt tripeed into letting all the visiting happen under his roof. Considering dsd is 15 and dss is 12 this seems too much to me.

She also rings up and has a go at dp. BAsically she is a nightmare. I can't stand her.

Anyway, have spoken to dp and I have no worries that he encourages her. He is such a lovely guy but he doesn't see that by being himself, he does encourage her.

Like my mum says, ex-w is like a spectre in the background.

Any advice ladies? I don't see that I can start dictating terms of her relationship with her own children... but I have said to dp that if we lived together then things would have to change. I can tolerate her in his house but no way would she behave like that under my roof. Such a delicate subject!!

When you do move in together will you all move to a new house?
Your DP will have to man up and tell her its not on.
This shouldn't be all your problem - they are your DPs children and he needs to deal with his ex wife and that means telling her that it isn't appropriate to see the dc in your house.
Start as you mean to go on while you still can!!!!

am trying to Kaluki.

I think it really would be best to have a whole new house and new start together as a family but don't know if the finances will stretch to that?

And I fully realise that if we move in to his house, then it will be a real struggle to get ex-w to back off. Ultimately she will have to figure it out for herself fast - unlikely - or be told, not by me but by dp

Oh well, will have to cross that bridge when we come to it. Hopefully he can man up and start distancing her from now onwards. God I hate this shit, it just makes me feel like what's the point???

Randommess, WTF? Telling a teenager that they HAVE to stay in their room 2 nights a week?! Bet the OP wouldn't put that as a condition of her DS staying resident with them when he is 14yo.

As a rule of thumb, if you wouldn't do it with your own DC, don't do it with your SDC.

I would not tell my own DC that they had to stay in their room after 8 pm, no.

I would however tell my own DC that they had to stay out of a room so that DH and I could have a date night. We do this with the DSCs once every two weeks or so; announce that we are having a 'date night' and are not to be disturbed; they are to pretend we are not there and not interrupt whilst we watch a film or have a meal.

I know my dc are younger but I send them up to their rooms at 8.
In the holidays I let them read or watch DVDs till about 10 because I need some peace and want to watch what I want on TV which may not be suitable for them.
Itry to do the same with the DSC when they are here too!

My DD's bedroom is approximately the size of a toddler's shoebox, so I can't imagine expecting her to spend her evening in there when the front room is more spacious and comfortable for her, whether I am in a relationship or not.

So if I don't expect my DD to do that, at 14, then I wouldn't expect SDC's to either...

OK Couthy - you wouldn't do it in your circumstances, fine.

I have said that I would not either (but would keep them out of a room).

Kaluki has said that she does it with her younger kids, DCs and DSCs alike.

You're repeating your earlier post here; we responded but you aren't acknowledging the responses. If your circumstances are such that your child can't really spend time in her room (my DD's room is also a box room), then fine, but can you just accept that other people have a different set of circumstances?

My teenage DSCs have fairly spacious rooms with plenty of entertainment options. As I said, we don't tell them they have to stay in their rooms so that DH and I can have time alone, but we do tell them to stay out of the TV room or the kitchen, whichever we are using. If they temporarily experience some minor "discomfort" from that, I think I can live with it. :)

I would not advise OP to take a 'stay in your room' approach, but a 'we will be using this room tonight and you are not to interrupt us for anything short of a fire you can't extinguish yourself' approach is a good strategy for parents who can't go out but need time together.

Brdgrl, your 'date room' idea sounds wonderful, but I have visions of us being spied on and little sniggers coming from outside the door
If DP and I ever kiss each other within view of the kids we get over the top pretend vomitting and retching and slurping noises and "eeuurgh they're doing it again!!"

I sympathise with the 'vom' noises when you kiss! DD and DS1 both did that when I was seeing my last bloke. It's difficult, but maybe a babysitting circle with some friends? It's what I and two other friends have done, so we all get time to ourselves or to have time for relationships.