Increased Child Support for DSS starting Secondary School?

[Redbird12]

DH has an 11yo son who lives a couple of hours away & will be starting at secondary school in Sept. He pays £300 child support each month to his XP (on an unofficial basis) which is more than he would be required to pay through CSA based on his income but because she previously said she was struggling, he increased the amount a couple of years ago to try to help out.

After DH's XP left him a few years ago for her current partner (at least a couple of years before I met him), she also took a large lump sum of equity from the house (in the housing boom years) that DH had to borrow from his parents to buy her out. She was able to use this for a deposit on a new house and has told us that her current partner pays the mortgage and she is responsible for the bills and anything for DSS. Grandparents help with child care when needed.

However, she has come to us again saying that as DSS will be starting secondary school soon she will need more money from us to cover the additional expenses eg uniforms, bus fares, a laptop, broadband etc. DH really doesn't have much spare money and whilst he is willing to try to help with the one off expenditures (eg pay half towards new uniform), we don't feel he should have to increase the monthly child support as she would like to cover bus fares etc (especially as she has chosen not to send him to the nearest school where he would have qualified for free travel).

DH wants to ask her for a breakdown of how she is spending the £300 as he can't understand why she needs more money from him, i think this is unreasonable, however do not think we should pay an increased amount regularly, just contribute to specific one off items if needed.

I would appreciate any views.

You only have to pay the CSA amount, no more if you don't want to or you can't afford to.

Makes me mad to think I didn't have a penny in child support for 7 years and no help from anyone else and there are women like your DH ex who are just being greedy (in my opinion).

Yes, there will be more costs involved but unless he is going to have very expensive bus fares for a school a long way out of catchment, school uniform isn't any more expensive at most state schools than at primary school if you take into account he's probably at the stage of not spilling his dinner down his jumper anymore.

His ex doesn't have to justify her spending to you, your DP or anyone else, but likewise, your partner doesn't have to justify why or why not he doesn't give her any more money.

Your wage levels don't go up when your children start secondary school, so I don't see why you should suddenly be able to spend more on them. She should be saving in other areas (eg childcare) as he gets older. If you can't afford it, then say sorry, but you can't afford it (and maybe gently point out what the CSA amount would be)

Would be nice to contribute as a one off for uniform, etc though if you can.

I worked out what I actually spent on my DCs once, and it came to around £450 per child per month (food, hobbies, clothes, holidays, etc - but not any share of household bills or mortgage) - so would have thought she might well be spending the £300 on DS, though of course it is her job to support him too.

Does she really not have broadband at home? That does suggest she's rather hard up I would have thought. Does she work? Or is she reliant on her DP and the child support? Easier to earn money once they're at secondary and making their own way to and fro.

purpleroses, no she really doesn't have broadband, DSS says she just goes online on her mobile with 3G. I think they just make different choices as to how they spend their money and up to now, broadband has not been a priority for her. I would not say they are really hard up as they are going on a 2 week Med holiday in the summer hols, however it could be that her DP is paying for this. To be fair, they probably think we are better off than we are as we took DSS abroad on hols last summer, what they don't know is my mum paid for this.

She does & always has worked since DSS started school but only part time, not sure how many hours. As grandparents have always helped out with DSS she won't save anything on childcare as he gets older as she was not paying for that in the 1st place. So i do appreciate there may be some additional costs, the bus fare apparently will be quite a big issue, DH v.frustrated that this was never mentioned when she applied for school choices as she was unwilling at the time to let him have much involvement in the decision & he didn't realise she had picked a 1st choice school that was not the nearest (yes, partly his own fault for not checking).

"I do think paying half of school uniforms is a good thing since they are grossly over-priced and maintenance doesn't cover things like that."

Of course maintenance covers that!

The way that maintenance is worked out is that once the resident parent receives the maintenance, they are fully financially responsible for the child. Like someone else said upthread, if you are a couple who are still together, you don't get a wage increase when you need "extras", so why should you request extra maintenance money. If she only works part time then perhaps she needs to look at doing some extra hours if she is struggling for money.

I take it you are not reliant on child maintenance MrsBradleyCooper!

Child maintenance is often a pittance and if the child needs something like a uniform and the primary carer cannot afford it why the hell should the ex not help out?

I don't agree that you should increase the maintenance or ask for a break down HOWEVER yuo could offer to help out with extra things & buy them for your DSS directly that way you know HE gets it & SHE can't complain you're not being unreasonable. EG Dad buys the blazer she buys the rest, you buy the shoes she buys the trainers etc

Mrs BC not sure what you think £300 covers for a teen but I can assure you that it covers the basics & no more & the ex is bloody lucky to get that compared to some of us. Mr Redbird is very reasonable & generous.

It should be HALF the costs just as it would be if the parents are together but many parents would be grateful for a regular contribution over the CSA recommendations.

bitsnbobs - It makes no difference whether or not I am reliant on cm or not. My mother brought me and my sister up on child maintenance, and then went out to work to make up the difference as she felt it should be an equal contribution. It is not a pittance. It is a fair percentage of a persons wage.

What happens if the non resident parent can't afford it either? Where does the money come from then?

What happens if the mother is already working, and is unable to increase her hours/earn more money/find a job? We are bang in the middle of a recession at the moment.

We're not all reclining on a chaise longue popping bonbons waiting for the next CM cheque to arrive you know.

"What happens if the mother is already working, and is unable to increase her hours/earn more money/find a job? We are bang in the middle of a recession at the moment."

That would be very unfortunate, and I completely understand that it is difficult in a situation like that. However, it shouldn't just then fall to the NRP to pick up the slack, when they are already contributing fairly. Lots of people struggle with finances - I know how expensive it is to bring up children, but if a couple were still together and struggling, there wouldn't be anyone to "ask" for extras.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, and I didn't suggest anyone was "reclining on a chaise longue popping bonbons"

IF the ex can afford it then why not help if it benefits the child?

I don't think the OP was suggesting that the ExW was asking for the slack to be ALL taken up by ExH but she was asking if we thought it was right to increase the total contribution given the factors outlined above or just comtribute to items that might be expensive.

"IF the ex can afford it then why not help if it benefits the child?"

Yes but what if he can't?

And how do you know whether he can or not?

I know that £300 child maintenance a month is no way half the cost of feeding, clothing, housing, transporting, educating, etc a teenager - so I disagree with you totally. The CM I receive is no where near half of our general day to day living costs, without taking into account any extras.

So the father won't help with an extra expense like uniform, so it falls to the mother to sort out, back on her shoulders. And if she can't find the money it is 'unfortunate'.

Having lived on £600 a month as a teenager, including paying my own rent, travel, bills, clothing, student supplies, etc, I find that difficult to believe.

I think you're paying a fair amount. If each parent was contributing half, that's 600quid a month for your DSSs upkeep.

We have similar with DHs ex. I calculated we've increased maintenace 10% each year for the past x years on average, not many people get a payrise that much! The latest is his DD asking for him to pay for a school trip to europe, as her mother doesn't work, he has to pay it. Erm, no. She'd just been on a 3wk holiday to the US with her mother and SF, and we haven't had a holiday in a year, despite us both working.

When the RP can't afford things, such as school trips, uniforms etc.. the NRP is not the bank. Budgeting and cuts need to be made. Uniforms bought 2nd hand, or less of them and do washing in the week (for eg. her mother wanted to buy a set for EACH day of the week and us to fork out half, it wasn't a request, it was a demand, which really gets our hackles up)

Because as the NRP the ex usually has either a better paid job and/or no childcare costs. Not always but usually.

I am leaving this thread now as I feel that we all obviously have differing opinions and are not going to agree. No point in spending ages on a never ending debate! No hard feelings ladies .

"Because as the NRP the ex usually has either a better paid job and/or no childcare costs."

What an unfair and ridiculous thing to say.

"the NRP is not the bank. Budgeting and cuts need to be made." totally agree with you Notness.

Yes, not always. PILs picked up all of the childcare, which both parties are grateful for, I'm sure.

Better paid job? Well that's how the cookie crumbles. DHs ex could work, but as she has more children with her SF she doesn't. That doesn't mean that we should pay out more or for extras as they determine we should. Everyone has to live within their means. If we don't have enough to do something for our children, we don't have a backup to ask for cash, we have to say no. It shouldn't be any different for a child with separated parents.

Those of you who say that £300 is not enough to cover all teenager cost are absolutely right but maintenance is supposed to cover half the costs surely the other parent is responsible for the other half. So therefore £600 a month for an 11 year old is more than enough with extra to put away for those extras eg bus, school trips etc.

Though I do agree with plitting the cost of uniform they are hideously expensive. It is what we did when dss started senior school.

Yes, I think that if you can possibly manage it, your DP should contribute to the one-off costs (e.g. pay half towards the uniform and a laptop or PC).

No, I don't think your DP should pay more per month to cover his DS's bus fares if he was not allowed any say in choosing the school. If, however, he did get a say & agreed that DS should go to that particular school then of course he should help with the costs of getting there! As you say yourself, he should really have checked the location of his son's potential schools before choosing one.

Thanks for all the responses, interesting debate! DH is going to offer to pay half the cost of the uniform and we are considering whether we could get DSS a laptop as a joint birthday and Xmas pressie, although this is dependent on XP getting broadband which we won't pay for.
The bus fare issue needs more investigation, the amount XP told DH which seemed to be extortionate does not ring true when checking online, turns out it is that amount per term not per month as she had told us! As it is a lower amount than we thought, DH thinks he could manage to pay half of this but is still a bit worried it will be the tip of the iceberg.
We are always willing to try to help out with one off costs like school shoes, school photos, trips but I can just envisage the costs becoming more frequent as DSS gets older and we need to decide where to draw the line whilst still trying to maintain a good relationship with XP.

Op I think the maintenance paid is fair, and I would be very careful about committing to increasing it, like others have said, offer to help with certain extras as and when you can.

Im not sure which calucaltor has been used to work out a teenager costs £600 per month I have two teens living at home and one half the time, if they cost as much as that I would be bankrupt!

Its the responsibility of both parents to look after their children and it seems to me that so many times its the NRP who is called upon to increase their support.