Increased Child Support for DSS starting Secondary School?

[Redbird12]

DH has an 11yo son who lives a couple of hours away & will be starting at secondary school in Sept. He pays £300 child support each month to his XP (on an unofficial basis) which is more than he would be required to pay through CSA based on his income but because she previously said she was struggling, he increased the amount a couple of years ago to try to help out.

After DH's XP left him a few years ago for her current partner (at least a couple of years before I met him), she also took a large lump sum of equity from the house (in the housing boom years) that DH had to borrow from his parents to buy her out. She was able to use this for a deposit on a new house and has told us that her current partner pays the mortgage and she is responsible for the bills and anything for DSS. Grandparents help with child care when needed.

However, she has come to us again saying that as DSS will be starting secondary school soon she will need more money from us to cover the additional expenses eg uniforms, bus fares, a laptop, broadband etc. DH really doesn't have much spare money and whilst he is willing to try to help with the one off expenditures (eg pay half towards new uniform), we don't feel he should have to increase the monthly child support as she would like to cover bus fares etc (especially as she has chosen not to send him to the nearest school where he would have qualified for free travel).

DH wants to ask her for a breakdown of how she is spending the £300 as he can't understand why she needs more money from him, i think this is unreasonable, however do not think we should pay an increased amount regularly, just contribute to specific one off items if needed.

I would appreciate any views.

I get £300 a month for two dc and my ex helps with school uniform and school trips etc so I think for one ds your DH is being generous.
I don't think it's fair to ask for more money every month but it's not unreasonable for your DH to pay towards extras.

Considering some people rely on under a grand a month for their whole family how can 300 a month be less than half the cost of looking after a teenager? Ridiculous. I can't believe that argument comes up again and again on here.
It is unreasonable to ask her for a breakdown, but as they are his children surely he could work out their costs himself?
IF he can afford it then help with uniform would be nice but I do think it's covered with maintenance as it is an average.

Notsamambysym - I completely agree with you. I know it's expensive bringing up children, but it's not that expensive. DH once did a breakdown of his DD's costs by himself and he really did think of everything, down to a percentage of the electric bills, the odd ice cream at the weekend, holiday costs etc and it was nowhere near what he pays in maintenance. There was a lot left aside to put away in fact. But like you said, you can't ask for a breakdown.

The 15% thing is, I think, I fair amount. As I say, it's an average. A non RP doesn't get to decide to pay less on a cheaper month so RP shouldn't decide to get more on an expensive month.
It would be nice if parents on both sides could look objectively and say for example "ex husband, we've had a really quiet month and I haven't spent 600 on dd so I'd like to give you 100 back to spend on her while she's with you this weekend" then ex husband could return the favour when it comes to school uniform time and give extra. But that is la la land.
In my case, ex will never give extra so although sometimes I may spend less on dd than double his maintenance, I keep hold of it for more expensive times.

You also need to bear in mind how much the NRP does or doesn't spend on the child when they are with them. I look after my child 100% of the time, she does not see her father at all, so I have every single meal for example to pay for. I guess that is unusual, but every expense relating to her comes from my pocket, there is no extra, nothing else to rely on apart from the maintenance he 'decides' to give me each month. So if there is a big bill coming up like uniform I have to hope I can work extra to cover this. And if I can't then tough, my ex doesn't give a stuff.

And Notsonambysm - my non resident ex does decide to pay less on a month when he is skint (or he has overspent on no strings websites and weekends away with others!) - but I guess I will now need to get onto the CSA and get it done officially.

That's very true fergoose. It's a completely different situation for someone like you who does everything and has an NRP who picks and chooses what to pay and when, and someone like my DH who has never missed a payment, always pays the same, and sees his DD every 2nd weekend, half the holidays and extra. Obviously during that time we are providing food, entertainment, days out etc as well as clothing, bedroom etc here.

No situation is ever the same and I think that is why there are such differing views on here. Definitely go through the CSA as I think you are entitled to more money if the NRP sees the child less than 52 nights a year.

Yes I think I will - bored of checking my bank account every month worrying how much he is going to pay

sorry fergoose, Im refering to OP where a set amount is paid each month. As a single parent myself (and Im sure even if I wasn't one) I can see from miles away that your situation is unfair. But really each thread is very different and not all threads are involving a feckless father.

I have 3 DC and get £200 a minth, no extras at all. Have tried CSA but he is self employed and lies. No way is £200 25% of his earnings, he takes home at least 2300 a month. I used to do his books! But while he can hide it through business accounts CSA not interested at all. Its not fair at all but who is he hurting, his DC. Now they are teens they know how much he pays and they know he's just put a 10k kitchen in. Its fair to say they don't think alot of him anymore!

Meant to add, OP i think what he is paying is more than fair and would offer to dicuss extras such as expensive trips as they arise.

What my DH used to do was to say he was always prepared to listen to requests for more money and decide if he could help. When his ex asked for stupid amounts or for basic things that CM should cover (like school uniform) he usually said no. Thankfully the step-kids are adults now.

IMO school uniform and bus fares are expenses that could be planned for in advance. £300 is a normal level of maintenance and the ex should be able to budget sensibly, especially as she has a new partner who contributes financially.

I don't think there's any harm in offering to help with extra purchases on a case-by-case basis, providing you're either consulted prior to the purchase (and agree a contribution) or you go out and buy the item(s) yourself. I wouldn't want to see a situation whereby the ex presents you with a bill/demand for £x when you didn't agree upfront.

OP - I would encourage him to go to the CSA and get it all done through them (can't believe I am saying that but hey ho)
They will have to answer any of her questions / requests for more money on a monthly basis. Just like in a family where the parents are together - if his wages go up your DSS will benefit, and if they go down there is less money available - people have to deal with that all too frequently these days.

Then your DH could decide when and how he wishes to spend additional money on his DS. It would encourage consultation before committing to any additional expenditure by Exw

As a NRP your DH can apply to the CSA himself - just make sure you have proof he has been paying all this time (ie bank statements etc).

making sure the child is supported is what they are there for.

I don't think that children should be burdened with information about how much money their absent parent pays. Children in together families don't know these details, nor should they. Relationships are hugely complicated and a lot of adults can't get their heads around what does and doesn't constitute love, never mind children/ teens having any hope of doing so. Money very rarely plays any part in it.

I'm sorry - its a huge bugbear of mine, I just had to say.

Bus fares would be a no for me as she choose to send hi
To that school - I get CSA equiv maint - exh pays half uniform.

If there is a holiday offer I discuss with ex if we would like dc to go and if yes we pay half each - I don't pay for holidays with ex nor he for hols with me.

School trips we discuss and usually halve.

Ummm what else - dc is going to festival as a reward for something - I paid half of ticket - dc other half and ex is handing over spends (costing a bomb as Dh is chaperoning).

I will ask ex if there are unusual expenses - sports kit at £200 a pop once a year - but I never agree to anything without discussions and ec can and does say no.

I am lucky though in that ex is single and no more kids and we have an amicable relationship - we jointly parent, so I reap the benefits of that.