School applications?

[anysummerthisyear]

Posting here as not sure where would be correct and hope someone here may have had experience in similar situation.

DSC2 is in reception, starts year 1 in September this year. DSC3 needs to apply for reception places soonish (September this year I believe)

The problem is- neither DP or the EXDW live anywhere near the DSC2's school now. She has moved in with her new DP and live about 20 min drive from DSC2 school and DP and I live together with my children about 30 min drive away from DSC2's school. The school have a sibling policy for admissions but it's odd as that criteria comes under proximity for this particular school. Both our home and EXDW's are well outside the catchment area by miles and miles and it's a heavily oversubscribed school. DSC3 will definitely not get a place at DSC2's school from either home, not a chance.

DP and EXDW don't get on, no communication at all unless absolutely necessary. Of course the DSC's education has to be agreed on between them but they haven't even discussed it yet, I raised this potential problem with DP today and he called and enquirer
and confirmed my worries.

DSC2 only got into the school, which DSC1 went to previously (now at secondary) as at the time of applying my DP was renting a flat nearby the school in the town where he and EXDW lived together before they separated.

So basically, DSC 3 has to go to a school either near our house or near EXDW's. This means a long journey each day for whoever is doing it. Weekdays and weekends with the kids are shared between DP and EXDW so that doesn't help decide which home to apply from either.

Any advice? DP knows she will hit the roof at the idea of DSC going to school by our house and with my DC's
(she hates me and my kids sadly). We already facilitate the school run for two schools (DSC1 makes his own way to secondary) but DSC2 and my DC's obviously have different primary schools but doubt if we could manage it if DSC3 went to school near her new house as we'd have 3 school drop and pick ups. Equally, she'd find it hard to facilitate 2 different schools, something we are already doing.

I think that if you disagree about where to apply from the LA will take whichever address the child benefit is claimed from.

Is your DSC2's school definitely out? The LA should be able to tell you how far down their criteria they offered places in previous years which would help you to know. It's the same in my area though - out of catchment siblings come below catchment applicants (but higher up than other non-catchment applicants, so you might have a chance).

Realistically, whoever does claim the child benefit might decide that they need to move your DSC2 to whichever school your DSC3 gets a place at.

Many schools have admissions policies that ask separated/divorced parents to clarify which home is the primary residence. Schools can apply their own criteria for this, btw! I would look into the admissions criteria of all the schools for which you are in catchment and for which your DSCs' mother is in catchment and then cook your books so that your DSC gets into the best one. And then you will need to rearrange access accordingly.

You will all need to make compromises so be prepared!

Cheers for the replies!

We called the admissions dept. again today and DSC3 definitely won't get into the school under siblings priority as both houses are just too far away.

The schools near EXW's house are nice but the one near us that my DC go to is better in my opinion (Ofsted Outstanding). But I guess I'm a little biased as it's the one I chose for my DC :)

Well it's my DP that has "primary residence" and he is the one who receives the child benefit for both children too so he should apply for the schools near our house, DSC3 will def get into the school my DC are at as it's a 1 min walk away.

I have a horrible feeling the shit will hit the fan about this. EXW is going to hit the roof about DSC3 going to school by our house. Another reason for me to be the child stealing whore! Lol. Not sure what else can be done about it though, just very difficult situation. DP is going to raise the subject with her later, I feel really sorry for him actually, he's dreading it!

Yes, if your DP's house is your DSCs primary residence that will be the home he must apply from for your DSCs' school.

Could dsc2 move schools so dsc2 and 3 go to the same school?

Even if your DP applies on the basis of CB and primary residence, his ex challenge it through the courts.

There was a very similar situation posted about a few weeks ago with slightly younger DCs - I think the mum was seeking a Specific Issue Order in court as she objected to Dads decision on school arrangements - it was very complicated!

If it were to be decided by the court, then your DCs wouldn't be a factor - the decision would be made on the basis of your DSC best interests and you and your DP (and his ex) would just have to work out each households practicalities within the terms of the Order made.

Any chance of mediation? It would certainly look better for your DP if it does go to court that he'd at least tried to discuss it with their mum - rather than just going ahead with the application without discussion because he has primary care.

Appreciate your replies!

DP has had a chat with EXW (which never ever ends well). As expected she hit the roof and went bonkers.

Basically, he explained the situation, the enquiries he's made and what he's discovered about how DSC3 won't get into the same primary that DSC2 is at applying from either of their addresses so one of them would have to apply to the (now) nearest primary. He had a long list of options to put to her and ask for her ideas but she didn't want to listen. She immediately said he needs to change the child benefit to her name and address and she will apply to her local primary for DSC3, and will not have any further discussion on it ad she hung up.

He is going to try again at a later date (applications not open for another few months yet anyway). But there is no compromise with her. He doesn't want to change the child benefit to her name
as she won't pay for things like school dinners and the club DSC2 goes to and DP uses the child benefit to pay for all that. Plus they stay more nights with us than her each month.

He is going to suggest to her that if DSC3 goes to school here then he could have them more weeknights and she has them more weekend days, to help facilitate it. If she has DSC3 at a school near her she still wants us to have them the same pattern as now. It's likely we could get DSC2 a place at the primary near us as then we'd have DSC3 as well as my two DC's there so easily get in on sibling priority.

Notadisneymum- Thank you. In the other case you mentioned, what happened? Did the dad manage to get the court to stop her applying for a school he didn't agree with?

Do you know much about this sort of thing then? Of course it's not the ideal situation but the fact is one parent will need to apply and the other will have a long journey so they have to make the best of it that they can. Would a court order that the child benefit is changed to EXW's name (against the criteria laid out by the child benefit agency) to allow EXW to apply for her nearest school? Her nearest primary for DSC would be closer to DSC2's school than he primary near us is to DSC2's school, both are a fair distance and only driveable though, so it's not as if hers is walkable or nearby.

DP would prefer DSC3 to go to same school as DSC2- we already do 2 school runs a day anyway, but if DSC3 goes to school by EXW we have 3 schools miles and miles apart to be at every morning at 9am! We couldn't physically do it. Plus EXW wouldn't do what DP has offered and have them more weekdays to facilitate the school runs and allow DP to have them more weekends. Although I appreciate my DC's school run is of no consequesnce to EXW or the court

It sounds to me like mediation is the key here. The best solution (ie the one that puts the children's needs out in front) would be for 2 and 3 to go to the same school near mum. I say near mum as 2 will have friends more locally I should imagine as their school is nearer mum. I don't imagine she'll like the idea of having them more weekend days and your dp having them weekday nights unless he isn't applying the pro rata to him maintenance. Otherwise she'll be forking out the cash for weekend entertainment and he'll be spending less but claiming the CB.
As you and your partner have children living with you you'll get CB anyway. She won't. (unless her partner has kids who live with them?)
I think best for the "real" siblings to be together at a school their mum chooses than for 3 to go to a third school where your kids are because you think it's a good school.
Dad clearly doesn't care much as he needed you to investigate and bring it to his attention.
My advice to you would be to try to detach a little. Let your dp be a real dad and stop leaning on you. If him and his ex wife coped with getting two children in to a suitable school before you then I'm sure they'll be okay with this. Ex wife will sense that you're pulling his strings and that's probably why she's getting angry.
Take it from an old hand, leave them to it

She'll have to pay for school dinners else surely it would become neglect!?
And how much is the weekly club?

anysummer the other thread I mentioned didn't end well - the OP had a hidden agenda and a lot of people were left very pee'd off at the time and effort they had put in trying to help someone who was being less than honest . No idea how it ended - I doubt it has!

This sort of thing can take ages to resolve though - it's not quick. I approached a mediation service last week as I want to mediate with my ex (again!) - but we won't mediate together until early August, I don't expect - and if that doesn't work, THEN I can submit applications to the court.

It sounds like it could get very messy - shared care arrangements when parents don't get on and have poor communication aren't easy - so I agree with the suggestion to back off and let them get on with it. Focus on your own DCs and leave your DP to work it out.

Notaonambysm- Yes I also agree real siblings are better at school
together. The problem lies in that EXW isn't happy to negotiate changing the DSC's overnight arrangement to fit in with tem
both going to the school by her. DP is happy to change to fit where the children go to school. They really need to be with the parent by the school most weekdays as it's over an hours drive from our house to hers. She won't change things to accomodate this but he is happy to.

DP does care very much, he's not leaning on me, I just happened to be the one who, through a conversation at the school playground, realised some schools sibling priority doesn't come above proximity priority. We had always assumed DSC3 would get into same school
as DSC2 until then. Likewise EXW (as much as she is about as awful as she could be to both myself and DP) also cares very much about their schooling, it just never occured to anyone DSC3 wouldn't get in there. Also, there is no string pulling by me! obviously they both want what's best for the children and I don't get involved unless they ask me to. Having said that it's me who does the driving to school so if they go to school by her house my DC will have to go to before school club in order for me to get DSC to school near her. Not their problem obviously but it's a problem for DP and I to resolve.

The thing about the school meals- she just won't pay for them, she will
say they'll have to go in with packed lunch (around here almost all kids have school meals) both her and DP want the kids to have school meals she just hates spending money- even if she had the child benefit she wouldn't. So DP will end up paying for them. Likewise any activities or clubs they do, DP will pay or of he doesn't they won't go as she won't pay! There is no maintenance payment at the moment as alhough we have them slightly more there's no point creating another issue about money to add into the mix.

Notadisneymum- Believe me, I back off as much as possible! She's
a horrible woman and I have no desire to speak to or see her after the shit and stresses she has put us through- and I realise this is just the beginning, but that's a whole other story.

Mediation it may have to be. They've not done that before. More bloody money though, hope it's worth it!

Sounds like a very straightforward case now you've explained it like that - mediation or a solicitors letter should sort it out.

It's obviously in the DCs interests to live near whichever school they go to during the week rather than travel part of the time and if their mum isn't prepared to be primary residence but your DP is, then there's nothing to discuss really, is there?

Notadisneymum- Well yes, it does seem simple but then you and I are (seemingly) rational reasonable people.

DP is going to send a letter to her via solicitors outlining his proposal and requesting hers. What do you think of this?

• DSC 123 live with us Mon-Fri primarily and we apply to our primary for DSC 3.

• She has them every other weekend and half of all school holidays (Reading many threads on here shows this as something that often is suggested).

• She can have them a night during the week if she is able to facilitate the collection and drop off, just once a week won't hurt the DSC3 to do the long journey.

• consideration that DSC2 transfers school to be with DSc3 if there is a space, makes the journey for her and us much easier.

• We will ensure she speaks to and can webcam chat with the DSC during the week.

DP already knows it's unlikely she will agree. She made it clear what she would like, DSC3 goes to school near her (DP transfers child benefit to her), we carry on having the children 4 nights out d 7 as we do now (roughly) and they have to have a stupidly long drive to school and back on a regualar basis.

In a few years it's a whole other problem as DSC2 goes to secondary as DSC1 would have already left secondary and he will have to go eotwr near us or near her. But the way things are right now we can't even think that far ahead, things chngw ao bloody quickly!

NambySM- To answer your earlier question, no, her partner doesn't have any children.

Where does your DSC1 fit into all this? How is he managing to get to school from two houses over an hour apart? I would imagine the mother would resist any change to DC1's routine as you say he makes his own way to school, which presumably is just as easier (or possibly easier) from her house.

What you've suggested looks quite reasonable otherwise to me - but I would guess that as the children's mother (rather than their father) your DP's ex may not feel that it what her role should be. It's much less common for mothers to have that kind of contact pattern, however sensible it might be from your point of view, or the DSCs, and therefore likely to be less easily accepted by her.

Also - I would suggest rephasing your letter with the request for the school application coming first, and then an offer to alter contact to make the DSC's weekly routine easier for them, but leave it to their mum whether she wants to take up that offer. She might (for instance) consider moving closer to you to facilitate contact, or might decide that she can cope with the hour drive on, say, two days a week, or to take your DP up on the offer - but this would be her decision to make.

You could also consider allowing more than every other weekend with their mum - my DP for instance has his DCs every weekend, and they spend the week days with their mum. Seems to work well for everyone.

Anysummer. Not wanting to give up her children to EOW weekend doesn't make her irrational or selfish. Seriously.
I echo purple roses post. Very balanced.

anysummer Sorry, I didn't make myself clear - I mean that the situation you have presented is very simple from your DPs perspective I don't for one minute think that his ex should or will agree to it.

But once your DP's solicitor has written to his ex, explaining that as he sees it, the best thing for the DCs are that they live with one parent during the week and have contact with the other, then I'm sure his ex will soon change her tune and agree to becoming their resident parent so that the DCs can remain settled in school.

If your DP genuinely believes that they would be better off with him than their mum, then he can apply for a a Residence order; if his concerns are valid, then they'll be taken into consideration, as will the current arrangements for the DCs in terms of care etc.

Given the level of hostility between you all, I think a residence order one way or another is probably the best solution anyway - it sounds like the DCs are caught up in bit of a battle, which can't be good for them

So you're getting CB anyway, and mum isn't... So wouldn't it be better for her to claim it. The lunch thing seems a bit weird too... Is hot dinner really that much more expensive? I'm a bit confused by the whole thing.
I didn't say you are pulling strings but just a friendly warning that ex will see it that way. You do seem overly invested in the nuances of their parenting... I would butt out a bit for your own good. Sorry.

So you pretty much have them 50-50 ( give or take a little) and you now want to reduce that to her seeing her children 4 days a month? Really? And you think she is irrational for rejecting that? I fully expect her to fight that, and why shouldn't she? If she tried that on the children's father, I'd expect he would take issue with as well, and rightly so.
By the way, I also refuse to pay for school meals and my dd takes a pack up. 40quid a month for one child? No thanks.

Doesn't make me a shit mother though

Pingu, there are many reasons as to why she is selfish and unreasonable. It's not about the school thing she is just the most irrational, scarily loopy and screamy shouting person I have ever met. She is awful to everyone not just me an my DP.

I never said she was a shit mum, she isn't. It wouldn't be 4 days a month, it woul be 4 weekend day plus midweekdays, DP is proposing one or two a week if she can manage the school journey or if one of us can pick them up from her That's 8 days a month, or 12 a month if she has them 2 weeknights. Plus half of all holidays, so on average more than 12 a month over the year. She currently only has them around 12 a month anyway. He isn't telling her this is how it is he has offered some proposals one being the option to have the majority of weekdays and swap the above with him having more weekends etc and they attend the school near her but she has point blank refused to change the non pattern of random days and nights each week which would make it really hard on the kids.

Not wanting to pay for school meals is fine, my D used to all have packed lunches. However, the school DSC1 attends it is he norm to have school dinners and the exception to have packed lunch. DSC1 wants school dinners and both EXW and DP agree they are best and want him to have them but ahe refuses to pay. DP is fine with that as he gets the child benefit but if it were transferred to her so she could get DSC3 into the school local to her he would still have to pay all of it, same for other things, else they would miss out. DP mainly buys new shoes, clothes, nursery stuff, pays for haircuts etc. Hope that doesn't come across as saying she's a shit mum, she's not she is just shit to DP Just small point really but something DP said is something to consider.

Can I suggest, in the nicest possible way, that you step back and let your partner and his ex handle it?

Haththefeckless- They are! I don't get involved and plan on avoiding ever speaking with her again unless absolutely necessary due to the unbelieveable stress she has caused both my DP and I over the last 2 years.

Me asking on here and discussing it isn't me trying to interfere, just getting advice for DP and what options others may have taken in similar circumstances.

Well, yes, but you are doing pick ups for a start.

And you say in your first post "confirmed my worries"

"We called the admissions dept" - did you call or he call with you sitting beside him?

I could go on but you get my point.

Really you need to step back and let them sort it. And there's no way I'd have a child of mine applying for and going to a school dependant on some other woman's children. I'm not surprised she put the phone down.

haththefeckless- Of course I do school pick ups! We live in our shared home and have done so for over a year, we have been together just over 2.5 years. DSC live in our home just over half the time. I don't work and DP does. Why on Earth would I not do school pick ups and morning drops? My DP helps with the same for my children if the need arises. That's not me interfering any more than a taxi driver doing the same would be interfering. In fact, with 5 kids in the house sometimes I think a taxi driver is what my main role is. Ha ha.

Yes I said "cofirmed my worries". Well it was something I first heard of that could be a problem. Of course I was worried. I care greatly for my DSC and want them to have a good education and be settled too, it's not only their mum and dad that can care about them.

"We" called. Erm not sure who called, think it was DP whilst I was at home after I mentioned to him tw possible issue that could arise and he wanted to confirm it. Doesn't matter who calls really as was just a general enquiry about policies.

What do you mean apply for a school dependent on some other womans children? Please can you read the whole thread before making accusations like that. The school is closest to our house. The house that my DP lives in and that house his children call home! It's not depedent on me or my children at all!

I do not get involved in speaking with EXW or seeing her, but of course I am involved in the day to day care of the DSC, they live alongside myself and Dp and my DC's for more than half their lives.

Your post has annoyed me so excuse my slightly shitty tone. It's possible to care for and about, help with and be involved in DSC's
lives without interferring I think we have the balance quite well and works in our very full and very busy house.

You need to step away.

You said that your DH was going to propose XYZ if one of you could pick them up from her - that's what I meant. It should be your DH or her sorting that out - it's not your place to pick up his and her joint children.

If I was in her shoes and you sent me a solicitors letter like the one you say you're going to send I'd fight you tooth and nail.

You want the DC's in the same school, using your kids as siblings. It is dependent on your children. Her child would not get into the school if you weren't using your children to do so.

I would not allow it and I would fight you tooth and nail. Every inch of the way.

BTW your "she can have them" made my skin creep and the hackles on the back of my neck rise.

Why is your DH getting child benefit?

What happened that he is the resident parent and the norm of the mum being the resident parent isn't being followed in this case?