Are your step kids invited to your family events?

[missduff]

I'm new to this step parenting malarkey so just wondered what happens in other families.

It's my dad's wedding in a few months and although we've not had the actual invite yet I get the impression that the step kids aren't invited.
I've not got an issue with whether they come or not but we had an issue last time I had a family party and DP didn't want his kids being left out, which of course is understandable, but then I feel really cheeky having to ask my family if I can bring children who they don't know and aren't THEIR family. It just puts me in a really awkward position.

With my dad's wedding I know their budget is teeny weeny and it's only going to be immediate family in the day, literally just their kids, grand kids and their parents so I'd hate to have to ask my dad if DSC can come but i predict that DP is going to want them to come, although I don't think he'll actually be having the kids that weekend anyway.

So what is the norm?

I treat them as if they are my children

They are part of your family though

Depends on how long you have been together. Do you all live together?

Same as Trinity, treat them all the same, if its not our weekend, we try and swap things around, same for DSSs DM and her DP.

We've been on and off for 2&1/2 years but properly together for the past year.
He lives with me and he has kids alternate weekends but it's only recently they've started sleeping over at ours, sometimes he'll still have them at his Mum's so I suppose we're not a solid family yet.
My dad has only met them twice and I suppose my family don't see them as part of their family yet.
It's a tricky one cos if my dad doesn't want them to come then it's not just down to me and DP to invite them? Hmmm

so when will your family see them as part of their family then?

surely if you live with your dp, then his children are part of your family, even if they are not always there

My parents welcomed DSD with open arms from the very first second she met them. DPs family actually greeted my DS with the words "welcome to our family". If your kids are invited to the wedding then that should include your SCs too.

I've no idea, my mum has been great with dsc, buys them Xmas, birthday and Easter pressies, considers them in plans etc.
His family are great with my DS when he is at their house but his mum certainly doesn't include my DS when she makes plans, even arranged a holiday for DP and DSC as a surprise without considering me and DS in the plans.
So it is a bit frustrating that he expects from my family what his isn't giving, but I suppose things will sort themselves out in time.
We're expecting our own baby soon so maybe our families will see the kids as part of their family once baby is here? Who knows...I suppose time will tell!

Yeah, here DSS has always been included, right from the start pretty much. It's only going to cause resentment if their treated differently I think.

their they're

Yes. Especially for an event such as a wedding.

Other things - sometimes we take them, it depends. e.g. this week we went out for dinner midweek for my DSis birthday. It was a small event, just our parents, my DS, DN and my DH.

We didn't mention it to DSs - if it were at the weekend when they are here then of course they would have gone. As it was mid-week it would have involved negotiation with their DM - and extra picking up/dropping off.

I hear what you say about when your own 'joint' baby arrives things may be percieved differently by your DPs. I think that may be true.

It is tricky this step lark isn't it.

Yes it is tricky, my main concern is the money, my dad hardly knows them so is feel awful asking him to pay for 2 extra meals, especially since i know their financial situation. They're literally getting married because they want to be husband and wife, not for a bit of a doo. If it wasn't such a small wedding with such a small budget then I wouldn't mind saying something.

It would also cost us a lot more, we'd have to take 2 cars so 2 lots of petrol (it's about 300 round trip), plus 2 hotel rooms, me and DP would have to split between the 2 rooms as they're too young to stay by themselves. Would probably have to buy them both new outfits too as to my knowledge they don't really have anything dressy enough for a wedding. I'll be on statutory maternity pay so we could really do without all the extra expense.

The thing is, others won't see them as part of the family until you treat them as part of the family!

You just need to be honest - do you want them there or not? If you do, make it happen and lump the costs/hassle - that's families. If you don't, you have nothing to worry about.

In some ways I do want them there, it will be nice for us to do something all as a family, they are fun kids and my DS is happier when they are there, my DP would love it too.
But do I really want to have to drive all that way with a 3 yo and a 6 week old baby on my own cos DP is in a separate car with his kids? Not really. Do I really want to be in a hotel room on my own with a 3 yo and a 6 week old baby whilst DP is in a separate room with his kids? Not really.
There's pros and cons either way I suppose.

If you do want them there then you /dp could offer to pay their meals etc, as you are wanting them to extend the invite. I do think that the couple should be able to decide who comes to their wedding, and if as you say their budget is tight I think that is fair, whilst acknowledging that yours is too. It might be better to integrate them more at a less 'family' event.

then I feel really cheeky having to ask my family if I can bring children who they don't know and aren't THEIR family.

First off, family or not, no one should ever be asking the host of an invite-only party (which a wedding most certainly is!) if one can bring extra guests, and especially children. If a friend or even a relative did not invite my own child to their wedding, I definitely wouldn't ask if it was ok to bring her anyway. (I'm not having a go at you, OP; I understand why you'd do it - but I don't think your DP should put you in that position.)

OK, now I've said that - I do think there are a lot of variables to this issue. How long a couple has been together, whether they live together, whether the kids live there fulltime or how often, how often the kids have met the extended family, the ages of the kids...Frankly, only you can really judge how it is going to be understood by your family. If you think that your family is not being welcoming enough, you should speak to them about it, and hope that they will consider your situation more sensitively. If you think it will be upsetting to your core family (by which I mean DP and his kids and yourself) not to attend this wedding, you should be able to talk to your dad.

I actually don't think it is necessary for you to take the kids to the wedding. You are not taking another child, right? So it is yourself and your DP attending your dad's wedding. That seems perfectly ok with me. Especially given that there is not yet a strong relationship between your dad and the kids.

My own stepkids live with us all the time. My family lives very far away, so this doesn't come up very often, but hypothetically - I wouldn't take my DD to a family wedding or party and not take my stepkids - but I certainly would go to some things with only DH! Especially if we could not afford the extra cost of attending with all three kids. What I would not do is take some of our children but not all.

I can tell you that after 4 years in their lives and 2 years of living as a family, my stepkids (teenagers) do consider my nephews their cousins (they are less inclined to thnk of my siblings as aunties and uncles, which I suppose I understand). My parents say that they have ten grandchildren - they count the DSCs in that number, with no expectation that the DSCs view them as anything approaching "grandparents" - I think that their view is that they are happy to have as much of a bond as the DSCs are comfortable with, and will let them set the terms - which is nice and comfortable for all of us. I love my parents for that! If I thought they didn't view my DSCs as family, I'd want to rectify that, but you can't force it, you can only explain to them how much it would mean to you - and your DH should definitely be sensitive to your family's feelings and limitations, too! It goes both ways.

My family always include them, if ( theoretically ) they weren't invited somewhere we wouldn't go. But we are married 10years and together 12 although I am fairly sure this is how it was from the start.

I don't think you need take them so long as it is not your dh's weekend with them. If it is, it gets trickier but I would ask the ex if she would have them that weekend. It just sounds too hard to integrate them at this particular event, and I wouldn't stress about it (especially if you have a small baby).

We would generally take dss to one of my family's event if he was with us that weekend, but not worry about it if he wasn't. The last event cost heaps more because we had to get an extra room at the hotel (he is 14 so I don't think it's appropriate for us to share a room) and we also had to do a two-hour detour to drop him home afterwards. So all in all, it would have been easier and cheaper if he wasn't there - but it was rather nice that we all went together too.

I had this a bit with my dad,he didn't deliberately exclude DSD but he didn't think to, for example, buy her a Xmas present one year.

I sat him down and said to him that we were working hard to blend our families and that I would really appreciate his support.

If they are with their Mum anyway then i wouldnt stress but if they aren't then i think you should explain things to your dad and offer to pay for the step kids.

Oh, sorry - so NO children are going? Then obviously no, you don't need to take them!

Yes mine do and it's all or nothing for us. Easy really! We're not a negotiable package.

A thread I posted recently may be of use to you - DSD was sulky after we'd switched access weekends to attend a family wedding (my side of the family) that the stepkids weren't invited to. Various mumsnetters had various opinions as to whether the step kids should or shouldn't be invited... you might find it interesting reading: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/1476985-Sulky-SD-8-hoped-this-would-be-a-good-day
Our personal situation seems to be that my family who live local to us and met the step children are very welcoming and do invite us as a package - dsd has regular playdates with my niece when she comes to stay with us as she and my niece get on very well, my sister invited all of us to my nephew's christening and after party, my mum invited us all to a family day round her house when all her side of the family descended from around the country.
With regards to weddings in general, I think it is the perrogative of the host to invite whom they choose according to their wishes and budget - it is THEIR wedding. It is then up to you as a family to make a choice as to whether it is approrpiate to go without the children or to refuse the invitation if you are not happy to go without the kids or if you are unhappy to move access weekends. I think every situation is individual, and you can't get a generic answer. There are some mumsnetters who are strong advocates of the "love me love my step family" school of thought, and others who are "please just give me my step-child free time now"! And it depends who answers your thread!!!! Good luck and let us know how things turn out x

Well this may sound awful but we keep the extended families separate. My family love my dc but I wouldn't expect them to take on my stepkids.

Also they can be so badly behaved and bad mannered that there have been family events that I have just taken my dc to by myself because I would have been ashamed of them
Flame me if you like if you saw their disgusting table manners you would be

Kaluki - I totally agree. The lack of manners being instilled in the DSCs 12 days out of 14 would make public outings an embarrassment - especially in my family, where admittedly I had a strict upbringing, but I do have manners and respect... I ain't gonna flame you!!!

brdgrl no my children will be going - my 3 yo (who is not DP's) and my baby who will be about 6 weeks old (not yet born) so yes the step kids could end up feeling left out.
My DS is being a page boy and baby will be being breast fed so leaving them behind is not an option.

My dad re-married though and I don't think I was ever invited to her family events, apart from a BBQ or similar and I just so happened to be at my dad's that weekend then yes I was invited, but things like wedding etc then I wasn't.

omletta so you wouldn't go somewhere because the stepkids weren't invited? what if they were with their mum that weekend anyway? DP isn't actually supposed to be having the kids that weekend anyway so it's not like we'd be having to arrange a babysitter for them.

kaluki I had wondered whether the DSC behaviour was part of the reason they aren't invited. At the last family event they came to they were pretty naughty...well not so much naughty but they just have no idea how to act in social situations and have few manners (we're working on it). I know that my dad and his missus noticed it as she turned and gave me a look!!!