Are your step kids invited to your family events?

[missduff]

I'm new to this step parenting malarkey so just wondered what happens in other families.

It's my dad's wedding in a few months and although we've not had the actual invite yet I get the impression that the step kids aren't invited.
I've not got an issue with whether they come or not but we had an issue last time I had a family party and DP didn't want his kids being left out, which of course is understandable, but then I feel really cheeky having to ask my family if I can bring children who they don't know and aren't THEIR family. It just puts me in a really awkward position.

With my dad's wedding I know their budget is teeny weeny and it's only going to be immediate family in the day, literally just their kids, grand kids and their parents so I'd hate to have to ask my dad if DSC can come but i predict that DP is going to want them to come, although I don't think he'll actually be having the kids that weekend anyway.

So what is the norm?

I think if they were children that lived with you full-time then it would be wrong of your dad to invite your kids and not the DSC.

But if they only stay with you part of the time, then they're not family in quite the same way, and if they'd normally be with their mum that weekend it ought to be easy enough to leave them out without them getting upset. After all, they (presumably?) do have their own grandparents, so you could phrase it as DS's grandad is getting married, or just say as little as possible about it when the DSC are around. No real reason for children who spend time between two homes to do twice as many family events really - especially when the family involved in this case is not exactly their family anyway.

I don't think you can ask for an invitation IMHO. If its not your weekend, just don't mention it to the step kids and chances are they'll never even know.

So you have a baby with this man, yet his children don't count as part of the family ? Wow.

sassybeast no to my dad the kids he has only met twice aren't part of HIS family.
I don't see my dad that often though and when I do it tends to be at his place and on the weekends when we dont have DSC, so although he considers the kids to be part of our family (mine and DP's) I think when he has done the guest list he's just thought about who HE wants there, which tbh I do agree with.
I know when we get married we won't be inviting people who we don't really want there, just because we feel that we should. Well actually we're getting married abroad mainly to just avoid all the politics of it all.

Yes, my SD is considered part of my family, even though several of my relatives have yet to meet her (they are a few thousand miles away). My folks call her their "bonus" GD, one grandma considers her a great-GD and I think the other one is itching to but wants to meet her in person first. DSD's mother's DP has family who feel the same way about DSD.

My BIL also has kids from a previous marriage, and they have been a bit abrupt/cheeky at some family occasions (not minding Ps & Qs mainly, answering back, stuff like that...), but the more they socialize with all of us, the more they understand what our expectations are for behavior, and the more comfortable we grow with communicating those expectations to them.

That said, most of the family occasions BIL's kids have been involved in were held at BIL's house - events he and SIL have arranged. If you (or your DP) want your family to include his kids more in family events, maybe the best thing to do is arrange some at your own place, so your family can get to know the kids better on your own turf and under your own house rules. DH and I didn't invite BIL's kids to our wedding last year because BIL hadn't seen them for several months and wasn't likely to around then (ex issues at the time). But since then, we've gotten to know his kids a lot better, and I would definitely include them, especially if there was a family event planned on a weekend BIL had them.

I wouldn't argue about invitations to someone else's wedding too forcefully - probably will just create bad blood. But maybe holding something like a BBQ or a Christmas get-together (or what have you) at your own place is something you and your DP could do to include both his kids and your own family.

As a stepchild and a stepmother both sides of the family have to include the children. In order for your family to "blend" then all have to be accepted.

I had a major falling out with my mother (who should have known better) about our family being 4 not just dp, me and ds but dss too.

I found that you either have to take the "it's my blood family" whine whine grovel grovel mode or actually act as an adult and stand up for the family unit you have chosen (hopefully for the rest of your life)

I often found that saying that not only is he my stepson, but my other halfs son (someone he he loves) not to mention a brother to our DS.

Stand up for them or get the fuck out (speaking as the stepchild who was excluded) it's damaging.

I have two DSC and my DH has one DSC. From the beginning both of our families have treated the respective DSC as part of their family, to be honest I dont know how you can do otherwise.

If we have a function to go to which is on a weekend that we dont have DSC we arrange to have them. It wouldnt occur to either me or DH that anyone would think we were not a family.

I think you have to find a way of taking your SC to the wedding, I think you ar storing up problems for yourselves if you start excluding them now.