Trying to understand what the ex is playing at!!!

[Lala1980]

In a nut shell, DP has 4 kids who stay with us eo weekend. Ex is resident parent, DP pays CSA money etc...
Trying to understand ex's behaviour. She hasn't poisoned the kids against me (apart from saying I was fat but nothing more than that).
Their marriage broke down because she had an affair, yet she does try to poison the kids against my DP saying he doesn't want them to come over, he doesn't give her any money for them etc.
The kids don't seem to be swayed by this as they seem to enjoy coming to us, DSD(8) wants to live with us but that is another story.
DP's ex seems to live for her weekends off - I can appreciate this as having 4 including one with SN 12 days out of 14 must be exhausting!
What I don't get is that she keeps trying to poison the kids against their dad.
If they don't want to come and stay with us, she will never get a weekend off.
I am not a biological mother myself - she seems to want to put the kids off coming, but wouldn't be able to cope if they didn't come, which seems to contradict itself.
We have offered to have them extra, and to help, outside of the legally agreed contact time, without it affecting CSA money, but she won't have this unless it suits her i.e. she needs emergency childcare when no-one else can...
Maybe I'm missing a trick, but why would she want to put them off coming here, when she wants her weekends off so badly?

What makes you say she is poisoning them against their dad?

Hi, I can't really say, although people could speculate. Maybe she hates that she isn't able to cope without these weekends off. Maybe she hates that you and DP are happy. Maybe she is deeply insecure. It sounds like she wants to control things a bit with the refusal to take up the offer of extra contact except where she needs help. Some people think if the kids reject the other parent they have somehow 'won' a personality contest (their prize is fucked up kids )

I have given up trying to understand DSS' mum. I just have to accept that some people are 'complicated' and try to let it wash. Inconsistencies round these parts include: I chose to move hundreds of miles away but I consider myself to be an equally committed parent, I don't live in the house where I have contact and have bought no clothes etc for there but my child should view it as much a home as his actual home, I am 100% committed to maintaining this relationship... until something comes up at work.

Sorry, I've been very little help, I just got a bit ranty

nambysm - she tells them he doesn't want them to come and stay, he has them because he "has" to, she tells them they can't have anything because he doesn't give her any money (He does - she just spends it on herself), she tells them that the amrriage broke up because he doesn't love them (not because she had an affair)... the list goes on...
chelen - don't worry about ranting, do it myself plenty of times... best to get it off your chest here!
I guess I shouldn't worry about her, just do the best we can for the kids when they are with us and show them what a normal loving relationship and homelife is like...
I just don't like the way her lies and weird behaviour affects the children. She acts like the next contestant on the Jeremy Kyle show half the time, and we have 2 days out of 14 to try and help the kids and try to iron out behaviours thart will get them in trouble in later life that they think are normal because mummy does it/allows it...

I would say give up trying to understand the exes thought process, I have had to try too as I will never understand her logic, one minute she is calling DP raging how he has taken the kids to Pizza express at £80 a sitting and she can not afford to feed the kids properly at her house yet she takes them out to eat every weekend they are with her and again at Mcdonalds every thursday, i find this fasinating, my mum was a single parent with no maintenance etc and things like that really were a treat only. She also the other night had been btiching how skint she was and then text the next day to DP asking his advice as she was thinking of getting an ipad!!!.....
Im afraid its not worth trying to figure out, just keep doing what you are doing for the kids and the rest which is out your control let go or you will go mad

Thank you Ray75 - we have this - she tells the kids they can't afford to do various extra currciular stuff at school, can't afford new things for them, has them in ill fitting clothes, doesn't get their haircut etc... yet has the money for a brand new I Phone, can afford to smoke, has different hair dye and new clothes every time we see her, goes on holiday the weekends we have the kids, seems to be able to afford her own standard of living at the kids expense. CSA and Benefit money should be given in the form of vouchers that have to be spent on the kids ... healthy food vouchers, kids shoe vouchers, kids clothes vouchers etc... She gets some special benefit as oldest DSS has aspergers but he says he doesn't do any special classes/activities so I don't know where this money is going... sorry rant over!

FGS don't try and understand her, it'll drive you round the bend!

As long as the DC's don't seem to be alientated by their mums assertions that their Dad doesn't love them, doesn't want to see them etc, I think you are doing exactly the right thing; give them the experience of a happy, loving family life and they can draw their own conclusions as they grow up as to which of their parents they would most like to emulate.

If the DC's are rejecting their Dad because of their mums behaviour, then that is a very different matter - there are lots of posts this board about alienation - ignoring it is not always the best policy.

OMG I think you are in the same boat as me and my DP, his ex does exactly the same thing and it drives me to despair but two and a half years down the line I have had to give up with worrying about how she thinks. If you read my earlier post about DSCS moving house five times in three years, you will get to understand that some BMs have a strange way of thinking! I agree with the others here that you have to you just forget her and get on with your own lives and have a good time when the children are with you that is what is important.

That said, I do believe that a lot of exes cannot bear the thought of there XDP's having a new relationship and being happy. Her behaviour is something you cannot change so my advice would be do not waste your time trying to work her out! When the children are older they will get the full picture and it will be her that ultimately loses out in the end!!

My DSCs get told I am a witch regularly which I find quite amusing! :)

When the children are with you I would make sure you give them lots of verbal praise and reinforce the fact that you do want to see them and spend time with them and keep telling them how much you love them and give them lots of affection. I have found in the past that this is what works for us.

My DSCs get told I am a witch regularly which I find quite amusing!

Once they get to a certain age, I think it can help to use humour to counter some of the nastiness they hear.....

I've been loving the images of Ravenna (Charlize Theron) in the Snow White and the Huntsman publicity at the moment; I've been saying that if that's what wicked stepmums look like, then maybe I should try it!
It's made both my DSD and DD giggle, and brought out into the open questions like "why do some people think stepmums are nasty?" and things like that - which can only be a good thing [smile}

NADM recently my DSD came home and told me that her best friend had asked her if her stepmum was evil! Her little friend was very surprised when she told her I was actually ' very cool '. We had to laugh and my DSD she thought it was hilarious. But in all seriousness, it made me realise that actually children only read bad stories about stepmothers being complete monsters and that doesn't help those of us that are actually nice!

lost If you can, try and get hold of a copy of "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin - she focuses a lot on the social conditioning that is associated with stepmothers and how this affects our relationships with everyone from our stepchildren to our inlaws!

just remember though - in the origional Grimm Snow White fairy story, the wicked queen was Snow Whites mother, not her step-mother

NADM - thanks will go for a hint this week and see if I can find a copy. I am really lucky my in-laws are great and I have a fantastic relationship with my DPS children. It has taken a lot of hard work though! And a lot of reading on here to get a better idea of what I should and shouldn't be doing!!! ;)

Lala,

This is exactly what happens to us. Ex wife will do anything she can to poison kids against us saying DP neglects kids, puts them in danger and abuses them. She goes to police, social services, solicitors saying how awful DP is but still merrily sends them to us, often for extended periods because she wants her time off. She completely dictates the schedule and DP allows it. She has sat in mediation and said how she wants her time to herself (she doesn't work so has all week to herself when kids are at school anyway ) while also claiming my DP is abusive to kids and why and how he is not fit to parent them!

Seems to me these women want a "babysitter" but not another parent for their children. Complete double standards, but there you go.

Don't waste time trying to read her mind though because you will think you have got her all understood, then she will do another crazy thing that makes you realise that you have no idea what is going on in her irrational mind.

Same story, now that mum wants to protect her maintenance she upholds that dsd has never wanted to come here and she is simply doing what a mother should do and let dsd not come as it causes so many problems. Yet she merrily sent her here 50/50 before her money was threatened. Twat.

I can't remember if it was this thread or another where someone wisely said "they see it as a competition to be the best and the chosen parent" "congratulations you won, and your prize is fucked up kids" (paraphrased!)

Oh yes, the money thing. If there is an overnight stay involved, she will make sure we have the kids from first thing in the morning to last thing the following night. She wants to make sure that if she is losing a nights CSA money that we will feed and entertain the kids for two solid days, so she doesn't have to bother.

Oh absolutely, dps days were cut down to every Friday and every other Saturday because she hates it here so much that it was cruel to continue sending her... But it would run from 3pm fri to 8pm Saturday then 3pm Friday- 8pm Sunday the following week... And if he tried to take her home early, for example if we were out in the car, mum said no.

Dsd always encouraged to stay with friends in his contact nights though.

It's actually warped that they don't realise how transparent their stupid games are.

namby today.

I got together with DH when SS's were 3 and 6 - they are now 18 and 21 so I have come through years of this.

Basically we found if she had a new chap (went through them like paper knickers for a bit) she wanted us to have the boys every weekend and most holidays (we were both working full time and she was not so that was a bit of a logistical nightmare) - ths giving her time with new chap.

But when she was on her own she did not want them to see DH as a method of punishing him.

As NRP we were expected to just adjust to what she wanted.

In my experience it is a bit of a power play - and I'm afraid there is nothing you can do about it really.

BUT ladies it does come to an end. We are just sorting out the final hurrah with the CSA (hopefully) and certainly with the elder SS we have a much better relationship with him and see him more now he does not live with his mother.

Keep plugging away and don't waste too much energy on trying to work her out because you will never change her - keep your energy for important things that you can influence or change.

Thus says 'wise' old SM who has seen things that would make your hair curl and go grey all at the same time!

Can I just ask something, these BM's who just change arrangements from 50:50 to less etc, how do they manage that, I do 50:50 with my ex for my DS and wanted to change it (nothing to do with money as i take nothing nor want anything but because he was alienating him and was not good at remembering school activities and needs for DS so I wanted to have him all week nights) My solictor told me I would struggle to get it changed as a pattern was established and unless I could prove fully it was not in Sons best interest for him to spend that much time there I wouldnt really stand a chance!!

Depends how willing the ex is to go to court each time contact is changed and how frightened they are of court.

Some people have blatant disregard of court orders.

Some people have never been to court because they can't afford to.

ray I'm in a similar position. Unless my DD is exposed to a scene I can't see any way out of the 50:50 with my ex.

She exchanges homes through school, and the last thing I want to do is turn up at the school gate at the same time as he is there to collect her - the drama would be horrendous!

Ray most of us who's stepchildren had their contact routine changed have step children who are young teens, and they can choose where they stay. Court orders are compeltely disregarded.

I would advise that you don't go down the route that you are suggesting unless you have serious concerns for your child, serious ones.

I would also say that if you can't prove that it isn't in his best interests to not see Dad as much, it probably isn't. The rule about the "status quo" is there for a reason, because usually it is best for children to stick with this.

thanks nambysm, its good avice not to tamper with things unless necessary, hence why have not but it it also amazing how these woman can and do and use their children as bargaining tools for money when some of us like me and NADM want to for genuine reasons. Your right in that I can not show its harmful to DS but its also hard when the actions of his dad I am left picking up. I also get frustrated that he insisted on the 50:50 split having been a complete hands off dad when we were together and I know some of that action was more about hurting me than anything else, and its hard to sit back when the ex MIL picks up most the slack mid week with DS cause his work means he cant, if i were to offer to get him instead of Nanny cause I can I am told no causes its 'My day' My son is always moaning that Nanny does the school runs not Daddy and why can I not do it!! I guess he will make his own mind up one day, he's still at the stage where Daddy is on a pedestal as the novelty even after 3 years of spending time with him as not worn off, he still bigs him up for taking him swimming even though he was 4 1/2 beofre his dad ever did that or anything outside the house for that matter...as you can tell I feel very robbed by my ex and i continue to tow the line as you must with son when he is praising his dad yet inside I want to shout that your father never so much as changed a nappy or did a night feed, wouldnt even know what the sterilser was yet now he is the hero and Im bad mummy for leaving him...grrrrr so un fair sometimes but thats what us Mums have to do - suck it up

Am I overstepping to try and teach the kids some manners when they're with us? I am not parenting per se just trying to help them with basic life skills that their mother seems to be disinterested in (she said I must be posh for showing them how to use a knife and fork... oldest is 10!) and their father is too disneyish to push too much...

Lala, how do you actually know what she is telling her children? Do you hear her saying it?