Trying to understand what the ex is playing at!!!

[Lala1980]

In a nut shell, DP has 4 kids who stay with us eo weekend. Ex is resident parent, DP pays CSA money etc...
Trying to understand ex's behaviour. She hasn't poisoned the kids against me (apart from saying I was fat but nothing more than that).
Their marriage broke down because she had an affair, yet she does try to poison the kids against my DP saying he doesn't want them to come over, he doesn't give her any money for them etc.
The kids don't seem to be swayed by this as they seem to enjoy coming to us, DSD(8) wants to live with us but that is another story.
DP's ex seems to live for her weekends off - I can appreciate this as having 4 including one with SN 12 days out of 14 must be exhausting!
What I don't get is that she keeps trying to poison the kids against their dad.
If they don't want to come and stay with us, she will never get a weekend off.
I am not a biological mother myself - she seems to want to put the kids off coming, but wouldn't be able to cope if they didn't come, which seems to contradict itself.
We have offered to have them extra, and to help, outside of the legally agreed contact time, without it affecting CSA money, but she won't have this unless it suits her i.e. she needs emergency childcare when no-one else can...
Maybe I'm missing a trick, but why would she want to put them off coming here, when she wants her weekends off so badly?

Hi Line - no I am not present in her home. I admittedly only have the children's word on things, and the visible skills and aptitudes they display and thing they can and can't do, and know or don't know. Their father has asked them if they have to do different things at home (i.e. use knife and fork properly, not swear, do basic chores) and the children advise that they don't have any house rules at home.
But no I have never bourne witness to her parenting in person.

I'm just wondering how much gets 'lost in translation' between one home and another, and how much children tell us things they think we want to hear, and how much we edit what we think we are hearing children say.

I know I have done this in the past - edited everything that the DC say to mean that their father is some kind of humourless martinet. I'm more chilled out now that they are older. I expect they probably have a lot of fun with him, but don't want to tell me that out of some kind of loyalty.

It's soooo complicated. I think the main thing is not to guilt-trip the kids (I mean all of us, not you in particular!)

Thank you I am always grateful to people who have been there as I am so new to all of this (less than 2 years...)
I hope I don't blow their mother into some sort of monster based on the stories they and my DP tell of her, and I must try not to judge a book by it's cover.
It's just when you have 4 year olds using the word mother-effer and worse saying it's what mummy and her boyfriend call each other or is on CDs mummy plays while they're in the car, I get concerned that if they use language like that at school or use it in everyday conversation they will get in trouble...

I'd just be gently but firmly clear with them about language boundaries. What they do at mummy's home is one thing, but you don't have to tolerate it in your home. The same with table manners etc - if you want knives and forks to be used, then them's the rules.

When they're older, you'll find yourself saying anyway, as a mantra, 'I don't care what you all say/do at school, you're not saying/doing it in MY home!'

I think their mum sounds a bit confused and sad, really; and quite conflicted. Do you think she's struggling and a bit scared?

Ray, I hear you there. My ex laments about having dd more often than "most Dads" as he says but in reality he relies heavily on his mum and fiancé. I'd rather have dd with me than with whoever he's roped in to allowing him to be a Dad and have the social life he wants.

Lala, it's a tough one. There are thousands if kids whose parents don't have the values that you do, you just don't see them or know about it. Do they turn out okay? Probably. Do they under achieve slightly? Probably. I'd it yours or my business? Probably not!
But when you are a stepmum you grow to care an awful lot about the child, yet you have to watch them be raised by a mother (and father! Let's not forget their input) who may not have the values you think the child should be being taught.
It's hard.
In my experience you are better off thinking about what things you expect of the children in terms of your own comfort I.e "no eating with mouths open or wearing muddy shoes on the carpets" rather than "saving" the little mites - as such.

How do you handle it when their upbringing by others makes them embarrassing to take out in public as they are not aware of social standards/boundaries?! It seems mean to keep them stuck at home but they can't go swearing and shouting at random strangers in the street, or throwing their food around in restaurants/cafes...

lala I have, in the past, told my DP that I won't eat out with DSS because of his poor table manners - and stuck to it

This is your DPs problem to sort - with your support if he asks for it. I set my boundaries when it was clear that DP wasn't committed to the approach we had agreed to - he talked the talk, but repeatedly failed to put it into action

Because he wasn't showing any commitment to addressing the issue that he had acknowledged and agreed to deal with - I withdrew my support until he did!

Oh we have had this for years! Dh's ex has been horrific ever since DH and I got married (10 years ago!). Kids are older now of course so not quite so awful but it was truly miserable and honestly, there is no point trying to understand her or second-guess. In our case she is just unhappy, miserable, lonely and jealous and therefore loves to take a pop whenever she can.
Even though she left the marriage (after an affair), she spent years telling the kids that I was on the scene before then (even though I didnt actually meet my DH till after his divorce came through!!). DH apparently never gave her any money, cant afford anything although obviously she could afford to smoke 20 cigs a day, go on holidays - once for 3 weeks to SE Asia - she didnt tell us OR THEM until they were with us one weekend and she rang from the airport!! We were only expecting them to stay for 4 days!! She goes clubbing but the kids were in clothes and shoes that were too small for them. Truly ridiculous. Then would stop access when she was cross about something (usually wanting more money) but, like the OP's situation, could not cope without her time off so after a couple of weeks would come to the house crying and screaming saying she couldnt cope with them and literally pushing them into our house before driving off (to the pub).

Dont drive yourself mad with trying to understand - there's no point!!!

gosh, sorry for ranting on there....!!

Maybe 'guilty parties' sometimes go off the rails? My cheating ExH did. Turned into an utter twat.

The eating thing is an interesting one as my DSD is a lefty when eating (I am too!) and she's been told by her BM it's rude to eat left handed and she makes her eat right handed which means DSD is slow and gets fed up and doesn't finish her meals!!

lala I don't think you are overstepping in that way as its helping them develop not direct parenting to me. I do the same and try not to parent them too much but think they should have manners if they want to get on in life. I have clear rules about what is acceptable table behaviour at ours which was a struggle at first but after two and a half years, they both understand now and follow. One thing I've always thought is important is that we eat at a table together for every meal they're here. That's really important family time to me. They never eat in their rooms as this is something I was never allowed to do and think it served me well.

I think ur doing them a favour and are a good sm to me! :)

ladydeedy ur situation is exactly like ours. The kids have shitty school clothes that don't fit or are clean but she is dressed in designer gear with LV handbags..... Used to make my blood boil. Now I don't care as I have other things to think about and she is not one of them as I can't work her out and never will. I now put my time into stuff I can influence. I always think that now 'If u can't change it, don't worry about it' :)