I do not want to go out with DSC - how do I approach this?

[tiredmumma]

Long story but DSC usually come just before Christmas, for the day we exchange and open presents, go for lunch etc... We have a DS who is a lot yougner and now this is the only time he sees them as most weekends;/hols they dont appear to want to come as they are teenagers and have sleepovers and go out into town shopping etc.. which is find and I totally understand

At Christmas the last 2 years they have forgotton presents, and the other year did not buy me anything - DH asked where my present was and they laughed and thought it was funny. Last year they bought me some smellies that had clearly been used which they wrapped up. They spent 99p on our DS as they left the price on the present. DH pays maintenance and pays them extra each week as pocket money.

They are rude and really dont give a damn probably just typical teenagers. Even DH has said how rude and embarassed he finds them.

I do not want to go out with them this year - I'd rather DH and DS just go.

How old are they both?

Do they buy your DH a present? Do they buy their DM a present? Do they buy each other a present?

If they do any of these, do they do it from general pocket money or does e.g. their DM get them something for each other and they just sign a gift tag?

I can't remember at what age I actually started buying people presents myself vs, say, my dad picking up a mothers' day box of chocs and me and DB just signing the card. They may not be treating your part of the family 'differently' in that sense.

Or maybe they are rude as you say

I don't think most teenagers will buy presents without assistance. And expecting presents for people they see once a year is probably a bit optimisic. Bit of a shame that they see their dad so rarely and can't really see why you can't cope with that little time with them, but if you can't then don't go.

....they are 17 and a half and 15. as I said in my post they are given weekly pocket money from DH so have the dosh.

In the past Ive bent over backwards for them always keeping them involved in the family even invited them to my family events etc... But since last Christmas after being disgusted with the used gift I was given and 99p they spent on our DS. I found out that DH sent them £20 recently just before our DS's birthday for them to send him a present, they just sent him a cheap card

I think that this is another DP problem really - why doesn't he remind them about getting a little gift for their half-brother by text or email, or when he speaks on the phone a few days before they visit? Or, he could take them out shopping before you go for lunch together to buy a gift - I assume it's not actually on Christmas day?

As for the rudeness and disrespect - I imagine that it is impossible for your DP to have any parenting influence if he only sees them once a year - and if their behaviour is so bad that you don't want anything to do with them, then thats up to you - but you can't expect or demand that your DP doesn't see them and if he wants to take your DS with him to see his half-siblings, then so be it.

Firstly, I think many teenagers are like this. It's not just a step-mum thing and I hope you know that. Try not to let it get you down, easier said than done I know.

I wonder is there a bit of bad feeling between them and your dp, they don't appear to have a close relationship and perhaps that has affected the money they spend or don't on you, dp and your young dc?

If I were you I'd try my best to suck it up for the one lunch a year. I don't think you're a bad person for not wanting to, I just think trying and making the effort can only be a positive thing.

I dont want him to stop seeing them in fact Ive told him several times he should be seeing them more but to be fair whenever he has rang and asked if they want to come stay, go for Sunday lunch they always say no they are out at parties shopping or with friends at a sleepover which is fair enough considering their ages. I think there is more to it as I always have to ask has he spoken to them recently etc... I did tell him that I think its sad that our DS - an only will not have a good relationship with them and I would like it to chance so that he has other siblings/family around as he grows up.

I think I also feel abit bitter as we never had another child as it was so tense in the past not to leave them out, not to make them feel shunned which we never did. As they got older as teenagers do they spent more time with their friends on weekends and also there is a huge age gap between our Ds and them. Now I feel we could of had another DC as they dont seem interested in us at all

How come you are worrying about christmas now?

I think you are being churlish, sorry

I think you should think long term and not do anything rash.

Believe me I totally understand where you are coming from but teenagers are selfish! If they're still doing this when they're fully grown and out of the dreaded teen years then definitely address it but I would say for now find a way to make it not bother you and be able to enjoy get togethers.

I know it's completely wrong but if you bring anything up they will most probably not react in an adult manner but a very huffy teen way and in my experience that also includes barriers going up.

This post does not sound supportive and it's supposed to - sorry I don't mean to sound blunt

Poor you. The silver lining I guess is that this is a once a year thing. I don't say that to mimimize the hurt. I do think they are being hurtful with the presents and I do think they are well old enough to make a bit more effort - certainly the 17 year old understands this and the fact that your DH gave them money with specific instructions for the use - buy your half-brother a gift - and they did not - that speaks volumes. I don't think your DH should give them money for gifts for anyone, ever again. They have pocket money, leave it up to them, and if they continue to be too churlish to at least buy a present for the child, just let them, and obviously don't set up any expectations on DS's part. I can understand why you might not want to go to the lunch and just send your DH and DS...but I think you should try for your DS's sake, as it might become something special for hm even if not so much for them.

I do think the suggestion that DH go with them the day of, to pick up a small present for DS, is a good one, if it can be managed. He could say something like "X store is near where we are having lunch; let's stop in there and maybe you'll find something appropriate for your brother." Then they'd have to say outright "no, we don't want to get him anything", which at least they might fel some shame over.

My DSS (who lives with us) begrudges spending his pocket money on birthday and christmas presents for his baby half-sister. Last year he didn't give her a brthday present. He was embarassed later, I think, because we didn't cover up for him by getting something ourselves or try to make it ok that he hadn't....we didn't tell him off for it or anything either, I feel it is his choice although obviously I wish he'd made a different one. This year he was grounded the weekend before her birthday; DH and I decided that while he wasn't going to be allowed to go to the mall on his own when he was grounded, we would give him the chance to do the right thing giftwise, so DH took him to the shop and he got her a small present.

I think a lot of teenage boys probably wouldn't have a clue what to buy a young child for a present. Really can't see that presents (or lack of them) is the real issue - your DH sees his kids only once a year . I'm 37 and my parents live 200 miles away but I still see them more than that. Yes teenagers have other priorities, but even so it sounds to me as if his relationship has more or less broken down with them. They're reacting to being told to buy presents with a protest gesture saying "you're not really worth much to us you know". Unless your DH can find a way to patch up the relationship I think the lack of presents, or having to spend a few hours with them once a year is the least of your worries.

Um, if DH sent them £20 specifically to get DS a present and they only sent a card, did he say anything, or maybe dock the £20 from subsequent pocket money?

I didn't realise fully from your OP that you literally see them once per year for a Xmas lunch [shocked]. It makes more sense then that they wouldn't buy something - I think at that age if I had been invited along to, say, a cousin's house for an annual lunch, I might not think to buy presents. Maybe that is how they see the relationship, more of a 'distant relative' one. Does DH travel up to see them sometimes at weekends?

How old is your DS?

You all see them once a year then moan that they don't buy you presents?
I wouldn't buy a present either.
Why doesn't he see them more often?
That is
They are probably full of resentment.

To be honest, if it's only once a year, I think I'd suck it up and thank my lucky stars!

If the contact is so minimal, they can't really be expected to be thoughtful and caring for people they hardly know!

There are people on here whose kids live with them full time who don't get Christmas cards or presents from their own or their step kids. Personally I feel that is more of a justifiable issue.

Yes, I think I thought from the OP that the Christmas outing was once a year; I didn't really understand that this was the only visit all year. Is that right?

It sounds like a sad situation all around. It sounds as though you are sad about it too, and you and your own DS have suffered from this as well. But I agree, if your DH only sees the kids once a year, and has limited communication in between, there can't be much of a relationship there. Whether the kids are actively resentful and angry, or detached and distant, they certainly aren't likely to view you and DS as close family that they feel affection and warmth towards. Which again, is sad because it was down to your DH (and to his ex) to maintain that connection.

If your DH can't or won't rebuild a relationship at this stage, then it seems that you wil have a 'distant family' relationship with these kids, as sweet said above, and that would seem to require different expectations.

I have a teenager who doesnt buy me presents except from the school fete tombola - usually some bizarre smellies that stay in the cupboard until next year and then get recycled!

Thats teens for you.

I would be annoyed about the baby brother, but teens are selfish.

Keep making them feel welcome and eventually they will be nicer.

Its also time for their dad to stop sending them money for their brothers gifts. They just saw that as a handout. Gifts are only worthwhile if they are valued by the giver.

Oh dear - it really can't be that he only sees them once a year surely?

Because if he sees so little of them and then sends money telling them to buy a present for their stepbrother - well I can understand them not bothering.

I had a father who was a bit like that - I haven't seen him in 20 years now.

So he sees them once a year, makes half hearted vague plans to see them, which even if he was serious about, seem to involve them giving something up !

And what little contact he has with them involves instructing them to show care and consideration for you and ds !

You sound very materialistic and completely lacking in empathy for these teens who seem to have lost their dad

Does he really see them only once a year? My DSS is almost 19 now and we live 400 miles away but see him often he needs to make more of an effort for them as they are still so young (especially the 15 year old) they need their Dad and sod the money I would not buy you, him or your DS either if you did not bother all year round.

Please try to keep contact with them more, cards, notes, emails, there is every chance they won't reply but they will be your dh's adult children for much longer than they will be his teenage children and that is when it will all seem worthwhile. Even when they live in the same house as you teenagers are like big toddlers in their selfishness and they push against parents, it's annoying but normal.

Your DS is too young to understand this so you're best off asking your DSC if they mind if you get a present from them to your DSC because you know how hard it must be for teens to know what to get a little kid.

So...your dh sees his kids once a year, and your angle on the situation is that you are put out because they didn't buy you a present?

I think you are very silly.

But why would it matter to your Son if he gets a present from them or not if they have no relationship. They are strangers, come on OP please give a valid reason as to why they are only seen at Christmas and franckly you DP has no right to say he is embarressed by them as he does not have anything to do with their upbringing he is a stranger as well and they enjoy pissing him off obvious attention seeking why does you DP and his kids go out together for some bonding

DH should nuy a present from them and wrap it to give to your DS. Maybe when they are older they will think more but basically DH should be jollying them along somehow.

I just do not get the whole pretend it from them present. My dss has never bought mine presents and we all laugh at winder what xxx will get us this year we know he is bloody useless and they do not care about one present that sounds bizarre. I think the underlying problem is more than a gift under the tree it a relationship that is important.

Your DH made them this way by not attempting to be a part of their life. They're saying they're busy when he calls because they are HURT!

Please understand they are hurt and probably very angry kids, cut them some slack.