Please help - things have moved on and I really need some advice...

[nambysm]

Phew - now all that bizarre stuff is coming to a natural end can I have some attention please?

I don't want to drip feed so ask away if things aren't clear but there is a backstory that a lot of you are aware of so I won't repeat the whole thing now if okay.

DH got DSD's phone bill today (she is on a contract which is £20 a month for her iphone as he works for a phone provider so half price of £40) it came in at £60 and when he investigated it was because she has been sending picture messages which she has been warned about and spending too long online.

First question - what would you have done?

He called her up, told her what had happened and said he had disconnected her internet for one month (she can still use calls and texts) and she would have to pay him back.

She said she wasnt happy with that, not fair etc etc (standard teenage, no big deal)

But then she calls back and he was in the loo (he actually was not like piratesdh) so she left him the longest, eaariest VM I have ever heard. Totally cool calm voice, sounded just like her Mum, emphasis on same words etc. saying the most horrid, personal things ranging from "You are dead to me, I have never loved you" to "Your beard makes me feel sick" "No one has ever loved you, no one cares about you" "Stepdad is my real Dad, he actually has a heart" "you disgust me and you will never see me again" "you have a hunchback you pathetic little retard" (he has a slight bump in his spine and it's one of the things that his ex wife used to pick on)

She says she'snot coming to us tomorrow for my DD's birthday party (She should be here tonight but as often happens, something else came up)

I could go on.

Where do we go from here? My heart is breaking for him. He has been amazing throughout this whole thing. When she originally pulled away from contact after CSAgate he took a while to decide if the time he spent with her should be "Disney" to protect the scraps of her that he had left, or if he should continue to try to parent her. He decided the latter and I am so proud of him as it isn't easy.

But this is just unbearable. Because of the scenario her mum has created, DSD is unable to see these situations for what they are. I mean, this is soooo normal. I don't expect her to say, "Why, thank you Daddy, this discipline will enable me to grow in to a responsible young lady" I would expect a level of resistance - maybe even a screamed "I hate you!" I know I said that to my dad a few time (Sorry, Dad - I now know how that must have felt!) but she can only see it in the context of how she perceives DH to have treated her Mum when they spilt up, and what a victim her Mum and her are and, crucially, the competiton for her Mum to be top parent.

I advised him to contact Mum and ask for a meeting with the three of them to get all this out in the open (mum has signed that she's having teen troubles) but Mum as come back to say no, I have the normal teen roblems but I can handle them, DD just doesn't want to see you and hasn't for quite some time - I have told her she has to as it's the law (WTF!? It's not, and DSD isn't that stupid. Plus, what kind of a mixed message when back in December she was told she didn't have to come here anymore as Mum was main parent and it was up to DDand her if she saw Dad!)

I'm at a loss. What can we do? DH is so upset.

Oh, she also called him a little pussy

How old is she again?

She was 13 in April, Year 8.

nambysm, I think your OH has done the right thing, as painful as it is. What to do? Hard to decide I think. Putting myself into your OH's shoes, I think I would need to get across to his DD that her v/m messages were viscious, nasty, uncalled for and completely unacceptable. I'd also want to get across my disappointment that my own child could be so cruel. I would maintain the punishment already given, and actually extend it further - total internet ban for longer, or cancel the mob phone contract altogether. If my DD was ever to be so cruel to her dad, purely because he had punished her for a behaviour she already knew was unacceptable, she would be in a whole heap of trouble with me.

I realise the delicate balance here given the history (which I'm vaguely aware of) but under no circumstances would I leave that kind of thing unchallenged if I'd received that message from my own child.

Omg that phone message is horrendous. Does your DH know about it yet? She is so totally out of control that I have absolutely no idea what to advise

Am I right in thinking she is already/has already been in counselling?

I agree with Perspective, you do need to speak/write to her about this, she needs some boundaries even if she thinks she doesn't and kicks back against them.

If you have to write because she won't visit it needs to be very very carefully written and needs to be affirming of her good qualities and his love for her despite the unacceptable v/m message.

Very tough one.

Oh, I have no advice but wanted to say so sorry you and your DP are having to deal with this, it sounds horribly stressful.

If she was my DSD, she wouldn't be welcome after that rant.

I don't know the history and I am in no way saying you should sway your DH if he wants to try and continue a relationship with her, but I wouldn't and I wouldn't allow her near my children.

And, I am a step mum, have been for the last 13 years.

Thanks guys. She hasn't had counselling. DH has suggested it to Mum a as right from the start of the divorce she displayed worrying signs such as a complete inability to forgive her dad for leaving her Mum and lots of very detachment from Mum issues. She has never been able to seperate her dad as a person and his actions (i.e. asking for a divorce).

But Mum has always upheld that it's bad enough for DSD to be "a child of divorce" and that sending her to a counsellor will make her feel like a freak. Personally, I think she is terrified of anyone other than her having an input in DSD's thoughts.. but I am speculating. I can't think why anyone wouldn't embrace counselling for a clearly disturbed DD though. My DD would be straight in the chair.

So he should tell DD how she has made him feel, in a letter, but outline her good qualities too? I think he also needs to remind her of happier times. In the message she used a lot of "I have never loved you" I never liked you at all" etc and I think it is a result of the brainwashing that she has rewritten history as certainly when I met her, and by all accounts from family, she was very much a daddy's girl when she was small. He did A LOT despie being the worker while Mum was at home. All the weekend mornings while Mum lay in, a lot of school drop offs on his way to work while Mum lay in etc. Mum was the primary carer as she didn't work, but he was certainly not "hands off" and i have even heard that from Mum.

He looks so sad

And I have to explain to DD why her sister isn't at her party

I wouldn't rush into doing anything now, you need to sleep on it for a few days before doing anything I think.

Worrywort I think that may be where DH is right now. He has a "what is the point" look on his face. It just breaks my heart that if things continue he wont have all the things he deserves like Xmas with adult DSD and her children, her wedding, graduation etc etc. And that her manipulating vindictive mother will have all of that along with her DD's unconditional love.

Although actually, worse than that, research shows that alinetaed children turn against the favoured parent in the end so this little girl could end up with no one as she goes in to sdulthood. She is already dating boys who are a lot older than her, using bad language, drinking (a WKD or so at a party but still, slippery slope and all that!) i don't see things going well if she just has her Mum for support. Mum is also having a baby next month so less attention for DSD.

I guess none of this is my problem though really is it. I just need to be there for DH and my DD. I just don't want him to regret anything

True random

Well, firstly Random is right. Do nothing until you've had time to digest this and think about it.

But, at best, all I would write is 'if you change your mind, I will always keep #### (mobile number or e-mail addy etc) open for you to contact me. But that would be if I was the parent.

As a step parent, tho. Sorry. That would be game over for me. Even at 13. I would not want that influence around my children. An apology would have to be forthcoming (and not illicited, IFSWIM).

Hmmm could he spring a surprise visit on her at home after school or something?

It would be better for her to hear in person that he loves her and she always has a home with him if she wants it despite such a nasty v/m message. In fact you could do the whole "I'm so worried about you that you believe those things and can say such cruel words about anyone, are you ok?"

May get more abuse back but it's clear she is very angry and lashing out etc.

literally just been through this with my son, his phone had been suspended again as over his credit limit. Phones seem to be such a physical need for them atm.

He has had two days without a phone (as it was only £10.00 over this time) but it is just a normal part of parenting a teenager.

The reaction it got you was way over the top. Hopefully in a few days she will realise what an idiot she has been, but it may be an idea to keep the message and let her listen to herself (she may be a little ashamed)

I thought about making her listen to the message too... she isn't used to being held accountable for her actions.

I am all for the "the door is always open" business because lets face it, none of us would close the door on our children would we? But it's hard to walk that line of keeping the door open Vs letting her know that her behaviour (as in the message, not the phone bill) is completely unacceptable.

If he goes round there, or writes anything too nice isn't her behaviour acheiving the desired result of making her Dad feel guilty when he has done nothing wrong in disciplining her?

She's really messed up, isn't she

Thanks littlemoomin, I thought this was a fairly normal child/parent situ!

Yes she is really messed up

That's why I think he needs to tread carefully

Yes. That is a very good point. I likethe suggested "blah blah, are you alright?" That might throw her as won't be what she is expecting.

It has never been this bad before but in the past an outburst to Dad has resulted in dicipline and an outburst to Mum has resulted in "i'm sorry darling, Mummy loves you, what can I do to make it up to you, what can I buy you, let's go out for lunch, do you still love me?"

So a grown up, considered, "let me try to understand you" might be just whats needed. In fact, when I think about it, it is what I would instinctively do if it were my DD (heaven forbid)

Vileness in the heat of the moment is pretty normal, but a cool calm V/M is really quite odd

Sounds like her spilling out all of her doubts and anger and insecurity with yes quite a bit of her mothers nastiness being repeated and thrown in for good measure.

Wow.
I'm new to your thread, and won't be giving advice. I hope to give a little hope though. I'm a stepmum too, and my sd (who I still have a good relationship with) played off both mum and dad, and made parenting, rather than disney dad hard. I was v much disney stepmum, as I kept out of parenting issues. However, at 19 she came to live with us and hid a boyfriend in the garden wanted for guncrime etc. I was slated on here for not making her welcome, when I discovered the boyfriend (and persuaded him to hand himself in), but really that was the start of her dad and I finally joint-parenting. I had some nasty stuff thrown at me, ("you dried-up old stick, my dad wld never have a baby w you" - we'd been doing ivf) but we supported each other and continued to parent together. She is growing into a lovely young woman, who is starting to take responsibilty for herself at 22, and we are looking forward to her future. Just support your partner, help him make strong, loving response, wothout backing down or drama. She wouldn't be throwing this stuff if she wasn't hurting/wanting his love, she'd just ignore.

That's it, it was the cooleness of it all... calm, evenly spaced words with a really grown up tone of voice.

Her mum is continuing to text about how she has never wanted to come here, right from the start of the divorce, even before DH and I met. She is missing the point in an epic fashion! DH knows that his DD struggled with being seperated from Mum, he knows that she has always complained about seeing him... but the point is that all along (until CSAgate when it would ave ment Mum losing money) her Mum never listened or made any steps to curtail contact. Then, after CSAgate, it was made clear to DSD that she could choose if she wanted to see her dad or not. So it is now her threat if he ever puts a foot out of line "then I won't see you anymore"

I am so disappointed in her Mum for not being able to stop the game playing for one single moment to do what is right for her DD.

I detest my DD's Dad (had affairs, lied, ran up debts, didn't pay me CM, slagging me off to anyone who'd listen) but as far as DD knows we are a united parenting front. We are civil, business like and crucially we put her needs about any other agenda. What is wrong with this woman!!!???

Now she has text saying, DD has exams next week, please stop upsetting her. Even though he hasn't so much as responded to her VM. The most worryinghting is that Mum has shown no sign of shock over the VM at all.

Your welcome Namby, if it is any help i have an older daughter who went through an awful stage, lashing out verbally about her dad and stepdad, but it all seems a very long time ago now. She grew up. We didn't back down (much )

Hope you can find a way through x

Hiding a boyfriend in the garden wanted for guncrime what do we get ourselves in to hey?

"She wouldn't be throwing this stuff if she wasn't hurting/wanting his love, she'd just ignore." I will repeatthis to him. It makes a lot of sense.

The trouble with co-parenting is that she's only here once a week, if that. And, if she sticks to her guns, now not at all. It is such a small window of time!

I am holding out for the arrival of the new baby making her come here more though. I just hope that is what happens rather than new baby making her go out somewhere else - boys houses, parties, the park etc. She already spends a lot of time hanging around the local town. I guess that is where the "door always open" comes in to it.

I still think they all need to sit down together. Mum is under the impression that DSD hates cominghere and always has. Yet we have both sat with DSD on manay occassions where she has asked if she can come more (even last week she asked if she could come here over the bank holidays because she is bored at home, we said yes, but heard no more of it) I think this needs to be raised in front of Mum and DSD so everyone can get to the bottom of the two stories being painted.

Will probably never happen and is irrelevant. Different environments, different truths. Just need to concentrate on the environment you two provide to her and the baby and make sure it is acaring environment without pandering to nastiness. Her mum is her business. :-)