Help please DSD in bits, no idea what to do

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Started a thread in chat but I need you guys please. Sorry this will be long.

I've posted before about DSD (8) and issues with her Mum but this last week and esp last night have left DH and I with no idea what to do. I'm hoping you will have some advice.

Brief background, DH and ex split 6 years ago, we got together about 6mo later. Initially DSD was seeing DH every other weekend, increased to 4/14 then after mediation, joint residency week on week off. JR has been going for 3 years now.

Communication has always been an issue, ex wont discuss anything with either of us, even activities for DSD have caused problems. DSD has seemed unhappy for the last 5-6 months and she suffers with psychosomatic illnesses. Last couple of weeks DSD has had an ear infection and before that a stomach bug. Very clingy with DH and I and her teacher at school. She told us her Mum said they are moving house to the other side of town to share a house with her uncle and his gf. Also Mums DP who moved in with them a couple of months back will not be coming with them, he will be working away most of the time.

DSD was already really upset about this, it will mean a commute to school of about 1 hour each way. Then whilst she was with us last week her Mum said on the phone to her that she was really ill with a kidney infection. DSD absolutely distraught, we and teacher tried to reassure her that Mummy would be fine. She clung to teacher all day long crying. Teacher is asking for a referral from Behavioural Team as she feels DSD is emotionally unstable. :( She made a get well card for Mum at school and made everyone in the class sign it. We had already made a card with her and hand delivered it to her Mum the night before

Last night DSD said that she never really saw Mummy, that she went out a lot in the evening, that she is always sending her to her room and doesn't let her join in when she is doing things (sewing/painting pictures etc). She never sees her friends, only Mummys friends and she felt that Mummy didn't care as much about her as herself (paraphrasing here). She also said that the first time she met Mums current DP they were in bed together and when she got upset, Mummy shouted at her that it was rude of her just to walk into her bedroom. She also said that at the weekends Mummy stays in bed until late and she is told to just watch tv until she comes down (about 11-12).

What do we do? DSD says she isn't sure what she wants to do. When we carefully suggested that she could spend a bit more time with us she said no as Mummy wouldn't like that and would be angry with her. She also said that Mum HATES Daddy and that made her sad when Mummy said things about him, which she said is often.

Sorry for the essay but I'm at my wits end, the poor girl is suffering and we have no idea what to do, other than reassure her that we love her and are here for her whenever she needs us.

No advice I'm afraid but didn't wanna read and run . You sound a very lovely supportive step mum and I hope you get things sorted. Ur poor dsd sounds like she isn't very happy and that her home life isn't great. Is it possible u and ur dh could apply for full custody so she can attend school without the commute? :(

Thank you Wheresmycaffeine, I am sitting here trying not to cry as 2yo DS is sitting next to me. We could apply for residency but I doubt that we would get it. Technically I don't suppose her Mum is doing anything 'wrong'? It feels like emotional abuse though, but how do you prove that?

Could you get the teacher on board? Maybe you and your dh and dsd could all go to the dr together and get a full run down of things and maybe even a child psychologist referral? If they all agree that moving would not be in her best interest right now maybe that would help the case. I'm sure at 8 they would take on board things she says :( do u get her during the week in school holidays at all when u could perhaps do this? ;(

Teacher is on board, she is asking DSD Mum in for a talk this week as she is concerned it is affecting DSD learning. She wont mention that we have had several discussions about it. She straight out said to me 'well thats not helpful is it?' when she heard that DSDs Mum had told DSD about how 'ill' she was. Given that she had only just returned home from work when DH and DSD delivered the card and she told DSD that she was at a party on fri night and running a race on Sunday I think we can assume she's not at deaths door.

She is registered at the doctors at her Mums house, but we could take her to our Drs. Mum referred her for counselling last year when she was having another attempt at ending JR on the basis that it was upsetting for DSD and she wasn't coping with 2 homes. DSD spent every session telling the therapist how much she loved her Daddy, me, her step sisters and new brother and making pictures for us in the play sessions. Clearly traumatised

Can't believe how selfish her mum sounds :( hundreds of kids cope with step parents and two homes it's a lousy excuse to try ending JR :( I would definately take her to ur drs if you can, if only to get the full medical story other than relying on what the mum tells you. Things sound pretty bad and I'd be surprised if her drs haven't already got some kind of alert in her records :( sounds like you and your dh are probably the one good happy consistent thing in her life right now I really hope the pair of you figure out some way of helping her. Thank god she has you . X

Caffeine that is a great idea thank you. I think we will wait and see what her Mums reaction to DSD was following the talk with her teacher and go from there.

I think DSDs Mum has the doctor completely on her side somehow. I took her to that doctor for en eye infection and flea bites and he refused to see me with DSD and took her in on her own as I don't have PR. The fact that I have been in her life for 5 years and her SM 'officially' for 3 didn't make any difference. When I suggested he could call DH for his permission he asked how did he know DH had PR?

next time take the agreement with you :( it might just be the drs way of ensuring she continues to bring her though as any confrontation or questioning might result in the mum stopping bringing the child which of course is not a good thing at all. But I guess some mums are very persuasive and fool drs and the like no end :(

Fair point.

I think DH is going to suggest going to mediation to try and resolve the issues, that way there is an impartial 3rd party in the room and she may be more reasonable?

Worth a shot I would think x it would give the mum a chance to say In a non confrontational setting how she genuinely feels about the whole thing. Maybe she is struggling and knowing you guys will take her more if need be could help? End of the day you all have the same common goal which is to do what's best for your dsd It must be such a painful situation to be in! :( you clearly care a great deal and doesn't sound like either of you will rest until you have tried everything. I think my biggest worry would be the move and whether she has to change gp's as a result and that she either gets lost in the system or whether new dr takes action if he has concerns about her health and home life. Think you have to try everything to improve communication and relationship with the ex and help dsd in any way u can :(

I doubt that she will actually talk about how she feels. DH says that she didn't whilst they were married. At the last lot of mediation, she screamed and cried but couldn't come up with a better reason against JR than 'but I'm her Mum'. She also kicked over a bin when she didn't get her own way. She's unlikely to agree to mediation TBH but we need to try so if nothing else we can show we're being reasonable :(

I think when they move it might be a good idea to move her to our Dr surgery?

Yes definately! It may be the only way to be able to keep track of her health and well being and insure you and your dh can stay informed and know if and when to take further action. I'm assuming that a suggestion she stays with you during school days and goes "home" weekends and holidays would not go down well?! :(

Not a chance it would go down well I think if things don't change we would look for DSD to be with us FT and go to her Mums EOW and weeks in the holidays like 'my' DDs do with their Dad.

That certainly sounds like it would be the best solution! Its just a shame it would have to come to a legal "show down" to get there :( but in her emotional state and what does sound like emotional abuse it would probably be best. I wish u and your dh the best of luck in ensuring your dsd gets the help and support and treatment needed to get better and in being granted the wish to spend more time in your loving nurturing family home. Her mum should be happy and grateful that her daughter has so many people in her life who love her and want to help her and ur dsd is lucky to have such a kind thoughtful and caring step mum x :)

www.youngminds.org.uk/

these were really helpful with dd's anxiety & school refusal
good luck!

Julia thank you so much, they look like they might be very helpful, will give their helpline a call. Anxiety and almost depression in an 8yo is not fun to watch :(

Thank you caffeine, handholding and advice much appreciated.

I have rung the helpline, they have recommended that we get a letter from the teacher and then take her to the GP and get a referral for psychotherapy for her :( The woman on the helpline was amazing, thank you JuliaScurr, really brilliant x

So glad u have got hold of someone who can help !! :)

Well you helped me loads too x

:)

Also we have an appt with a solicitor in a couple of weeks. DH has emailed ex ti ask to meet and discuss concerns without saying what they were. She is refusing to meet him :-(

:( oh dear. Well she's not doing herself any favours. If it all gets to court then it's all evidence against her. But you have to keep fighting for dsd sake :( . Nothing you have said gives the impression that you are out to get her and I hope she realizes you mean no harm and just want what's best , before it's too late! But an amicable solution does not sound likely going by what you have said :(

She called DH to find out what his concerns were. She told him that DSD hates coming to our house. If he doesnt stop interfering in her life that she will take DSD away. That DH is punsihing her using DSD. Heard it all, theres more but those are the headlines. Utterly shocked. She has taken DHs concerns about DSD and made it all about her. WTF????

Omg . How terrifying. Not sure what options u have now :( if you give in to her demands things will only get worse til one day your dh won't be able to cave and then your back to square one. Think you might need to seek legal advice here. What does your dh think :(

DH horrified,he can't believe that he has concerns about DSDs mental health and happiness and she is making it about her. If DH was still so in love with her/angry how would we be so happy together? The woman seems deluded :(

We will be talking to school to ask for an ed psych evaluation and taking DSD to GP to ask for a referral. I will call the solicitorstoday and ask for an earlier appointment.

The woman sounds crazy and selfish and I'm
Keeping my fingers crossed u can sort this out once and for all and ur poor dsd can receive treatment for her problems :( so very young and so much trauma already :( hope she can come and live with u ! X