Help please DSD in bits, no idea what to do

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Started a thread in chat but I need you guys please. Sorry this will be long.

I've posted before about DSD (8) and issues with her Mum but this last week and esp last night have left DH and I with no idea what to do. I'm hoping you will have some advice.

Brief background, DH and ex split 6 years ago, we got together about 6mo later. Initially DSD was seeing DH every other weekend, increased to 4/14 then after mediation, joint residency week on week off. JR has been going for 3 years now.

Communication has always been an issue, ex wont discuss anything with either of us, even activities for DSD have caused problems. DSD has seemed unhappy for the last 5-6 months and she suffers with psychosomatic illnesses. Last couple of weeks DSD has had an ear infection and before that a stomach bug. Very clingy with DH and I and her teacher at school. She told us her Mum said they are moving house to the other side of town to share a house with her uncle and his gf. Also Mums DP who moved in with them a couple of months back will not be coming with them, he will be working away most of the time.

DSD was already really upset about this, it will mean a commute to school of about 1 hour each way. Then whilst she was with us last week her Mum said on the phone to her that she was really ill with a kidney infection. DSD absolutely distraught, we and teacher tried to reassure her that Mummy would be fine. She clung to teacher all day long crying. Teacher is asking for a referral from Behavioural Team as she feels DSD is emotionally unstable. :( She made a get well card for Mum at school and made everyone in the class sign it. We had already made a card with her and hand delivered it to her Mum the night before

Last night DSD said that she never really saw Mummy, that she went out a lot in the evening, that she is always sending her to her room and doesn't let her join in when she is doing things (sewing/painting pictures etc). She never sees her friends, only Mummys friends and she felt that Mummy didn't care as much about her as herself (paraphrasing here). She also said that the first time she met Mums current DP they were in bed together and when she got upset, Mummy shouted at her that it was rude of her just to walk into her bedroom. She also said that at the weekends Mummy stays in bed until late and she is told to just watch tv until she comes down (about 11-12).

What do we do? DSD says she isn't sure what she wants to do. When we carefully suggested that she could spend a bit more time with us she said no as Mummy wouldn't like that and would be angry with her. She also said that Mum HATES Daddy and that made her sad when Mummy said things about him, which she said is often.

Sorry for the essay but I'm at my wits end, the poor girl is suffering and we have no idea what to do, other than reassure her that we love her and are here for her whenever she needs us.

Thanks caffeine, we just want DSD to be happy :(

:( really sad for u and ur dsd. Wishing u all the luck and help in the world!!!

Oh no, it's all gone really really wrong. DH sent an email to her to reiterate that he really isn't interested in 'controlling her' only DSDs wellbeing and happiness. She has replied back called DH a manipulative bully, saying that DSD is happy with her and that DSD is only unhappy because of us. I am at my wits end :(

Has he kept all the emails and messages? Show them to ur solicitor
Sounds like u better get her registered at ur gp pretty quick I think ur gonna need the evidence :(

marbles - I know it might not seem like it, but the fact that your DPs ex is blatantly holding him responsible for your DSD unhappiness whilst at no point showing any desire to improve things really is something that will help your DP in the long term.

I agree with all the suggestions about involving professionals (GP, school, solicitor) as soon as possible - but if I may be so bold as to suggest that your DPs strategy when seeking their help is not to directly contradict his exW's opinion or defend himself - rather to appeal to the professionals for help to support his DD through the issues that his ex has identified. If he presents himself as accepting his exW opinion but wanting to make the situation better for his DD, then the professionals are more likely to listen to him and they will soon work out which parent is actually putting DD first.

For instance, your DP could make the school aware that DD's mum has said that DD is not settling with your family, and he could ask the school staff how he can support his DD, because at the moment, she seems very settled when shes with him and she is only telling her mum how she really feels. The school staff can decide for themselves if mum is genuinely concerned or not.

When my DP raised concerns about DSS emotional welfare last year; his exW blamed DP and said that there was nothing wrong with DSS when he was with her and it was all DPs fault, he needed to change.
So, DP talked to the school, social services, family support workers and the GP about the situation - asking for their help and advice as to how he could change things for DSS to reduce the emotional conflict he was experiencing.

It didn't take long for these professionals to work out that DP was doing everything he could, and it was exW who was the root cause - but because DP had presented as believing his ex, rather than slagging her off, the professionals spent time with him, rather than writing him off as a bitter exSpouse. They suggested (and DP agreed) that DSS have counselling and exW refused to agree, which only reinforced the opinion the professionals had formed of her. DSS is so much happier now and his mum is less inclined to use him as a stick to beat DP with, too.

Disney, thats exactly what we decided to do when we finished discussing it at 2am. I think the teacher may have had a word yesterday, hence the lashing out over email.

So if we continue to support DSD and at least be seen to try and resolve rather than disagree with the BS she is throwing at us then hopefully everyone can see that we are trying to work in DSD best interests. If we thought for a second any of what she was saying was true we would br takinf it more seriously, but we will talk about it with DSD just to make sure shes happy.

When will this end? Its upsetting and exhausting for everyone :(

In DPs case, things started to get less intense after about three years - and his ex says that she has 'turned a corner' in her co-parenting with DP [err] - after court cases, estrangement, withheld contact and regular abuse.

unfortunately, the damage had been done and will take a lot longer to repair - but she can't or won't see the link between her behaviour and the DSC current issues

I'm not a fan of amateur diagnosis, but have found that labels help me cope with the daily issues - you might want to check out 'narcissistic personality disorder' - there's a great website called 'The Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers' - it is very revealing!

Agree with NADM, it took us 2 years for BM to finally admit DSD was better off with us, otherwise known as we had proved emotional abuse and she was gonna lose anyway BUT that took 2 years of watching DSD emotional revert, self harm and turn into a sad shell of a child before our concerns were validated and a HUGE diary noting everything

Oh Smurfy and Disney that is so sad. We can see DSD heading that way and its heartbreaking. It seems to me that her mum wont see what is obvious to us. DSD gets upset at our house because she is allowed to be :( Its been 6 years since they separated and 3.5 since JR started and so far shows no sign of getting any better :(

NADM, when her mum had DSD DH (and all his family) were sure she had PND but she would never go and see anyone about it. She had a really messed up childhood and I cant help wondering if there is some hangover from both of those issues. Sometimes that helps us cope, sometimes it doesnt.