Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Sulky SD(8) - hoped this would be a good day :-(

44 replies

Lala1980 · 20/05/2012 13:50

Today we had my DP's daughter for the day - we've started trying to have 1 of his 4 kids for a day on their own outside of our contact weekends (every other weekend) to try and get some one on one time and for me to get to know my DSCs as individuals. I was really looking forward to today as I've always got on pretty well with his daughter (the other three are boys). I took her this morning to have a ride on my pony, we then took her to Subway for lunch, then we took her to a dog show with our dogs - she even took the puppy in the ring and won a rosette! Now DP is taking her swimming. She has barely said two words to us all day apart from moaning about being cold and that she didn't really like the food in Subway. She hasn't said thank you for anything. And when I asked her if she was okay as she was being much quieter than usual she just said she had nothing to say to us. Due to my brother's wedding last weekend so we swapped access weekends around, we haven't had the kids for 3 weeks. I'm sure she must have something to talk to us about in 3 weeks worth of news...? Really after some advice - firstly, is she okay? Could it be her mother has put her up to not speaking to us? Is it just a sulky age (she is 8)? Has switching the access weekends around upset her? Or does she simply just not like me/us? We've tried to give her a really nice day, and quite frankly she has come across as sulky and ungrateful. DP told me to stop being childish when I said her attitude was upsetting me, so I don't know if I am just being over sensitive as I'm not feeling well (got a bad cold)? I've not gone swimming with them (much as I'd like to) as I didn't really feel welcome and I'm hoping maybe she'll open up to him if I'm not there... I appreciate DP is always going to side with his kids and not me - he is very much a disney dad!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

rainbowinthesky · 20/05/2012 13:52

She hasnt seen her dad for 3 weeks because of your brother's wedding. Sorry but my dd is 8 and this would really upset her.

Original poster

Lala1980 · 20/05/2012 13:55

The wedding was far from home so we had to go away for the weekend and DP chose to come to so he swapped access weekends so we had them 3 weekends in a row a little while back. As an experienced mother (which I am not) if you think this is the reason, I would gladly like to know so I can help to understand how she feels...

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 20/05/2012 13:57

3 weeks is a long time for a child not to see a parent whom they usually see on a regular basis. I know my dc would find this very difficult and wouldn't take the reason of the wedding to be good enough.

rainbowinthesky · 20/05/2012 13:58

Surely it's not down to you to be trying to find out and make amends but her father.

Original poster

Lala1980 · 20/05/2012 14:03

DP won't listen to me offering any sort of parenting advice as I am not a mother and never have been...
At least I can now try to understand how the little girl is feeling.
Unfortunately, once in a while, major family occasions will fall on access weekends. How do other people handle this? Do you simply turn down all invitations that fall on access weekends?

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 20/05/2012 14:05

Surely that the thing though "family" occasions. She sees herself as your family and might wonder why she is excluded from major family occasions on top of not seeing her father for so long.

Original poster

Lala1980 · 20/05/2012 14:11

The thing is that because of geography/timings etc... she has never met my brother. I do appreciate at more local family events, the kids would hopefully be invited too.
Do you think if the same sort of thing happens again, my DP should simnply just turn down his invite and have the kids as normal? Hopefully this would be less upsetting for them (although I'd feel like a billy no mates at the wedding!)

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 20/05/2012 14:14

That is only for him to say. If it were me then my kids would come first every time and dh would be the same.

SoupDragon · 20/05/2012 14:16

Remember she is 8 and not very good at empathy or understanding "Life" and other commitments. Tact is also not high on their list of abilities.

I doubt you have to make amends or make it "right".

Original poster

Lala1980 · 20/05/2012 14:25

Really? I now feel really guilty if going to my brother's wedding has caused her to feel such as how she acted today. I am just worried this will cause huge tension between myself and DP now as he is so defensive about the kids that he will see this as my fault?

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 20/05/2012 14:27

It's not your fault. He is their parent not you. He is beginning to sound like a bit of a dick head.

ProcrastinateWildly · 20/05/2012 14:34

You sound really nice, but I'm not sure why your step daughter not having met your brother would be a reason for her not to go to his wedding? She is part of your family.

tribpot · 20/05/2012 14:38

Agree with Procrastinate - this is not your fault at all, don't blame yourself in any way. But your DP should have either asked if his dd could come (as she would have done if she lived with you, presumably) or swapped the contact around so as to avoid a long gap. How could you reasonably be expected to know that? He's the parent, not you.

Original poster

Lala1980 · 20/05/2012 14:47

I hope I haven't portrayed Dp badly on here. He's a good guy. Tbh I don't think we could have afforded to take all 4 sc away for the wedding weekend even if they had been invited... but will take on board re gaps in access for the future...

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 20/05/2012 14:50

That's the thing with having children. There are lots of things dh and I could afford to do by ourselves but don't and can't because we have children. It's not your place to live as if they are your kids but I expect their mother and the dc see this as a poor excuse for him not seeing them for 3 weeks.

rainbowinthesky · 20/05/2012 14:52

Imagine from the mother's view point. He has 4 kids and goes off for the weekend with his girlfriend therefore not seeing his own kids for 3 weeks. The excuse being he couldnt afford to take his kids along for the weekend away.

NatashaBee · 20/05/2012 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NatashaBee · 20/05/2012 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotaDisneyMum · 20/05/2012 14:56

Do you simply turn down all invitations that fall on access weekends?

If it's not suitable for the DC's to come too, or we can't afford to take them, or the DC's are not invited, then yes, we turn the invite down - just as a nuclear family would in that situation.

DP and I both have children, and we consider it to be a luxury to have 6 days every fortnight (inc EOW) child-free; we plan things that don't involve the DC's in that time.

If something "adult only" comes up when they are scheduled to be here, then we either get a sitter, or decline the invite.

workshy · 20/05/2012 14:58

perhaps if she is one of 4 she isn't used to the focus being totally on her and finds the whole thing of being 'her' day totally overwhelming

and yes 8 can be a very sulky, whiney age so don't take it to heart

Original poster

Lala1980 · 20/05/2012 15:03

Thank you workshy.
I'm going to sound selfish now but I would not miss my brother's wedding for anyone. Hopefully it was once in a lifetime! Dp didn't have to come or swap access weekends and I was grateful and felt loved to have him there.

OP posts:

sharedscitless · 20/05/2012 15:04

If it's any consolation at all lala my ds1 is 8 and has spent the weekend being a right sulky/grumpy bastard, just because he can!

Willowisp · 20/05/2012 15:15

I'm not a step mother, but I do have an 8yr old DD, who moans constantly - so hope that helps. I am trying to rewire her brain so instead of kevin & perry behaviour, she is more upbeat. Also remember its easier to moan & complain than to say thanks for a lovely sandwich, I've had a great time !

But back to your situation, I think ALL men are defensive, so I can understand where you are coming from WRT him.

It sounds like you've set up a lovely day for your SD, but as per my 8yr old, she probably doesn't have the ability to vocalise it. Don't keep asking her if she's OK, she is more likely to retreat into herself. I would perhaps ask if she would prefer to come with her siblings at the weekend ? I think its a great & caring idea to have the individual attention, but agree it might be too much for her ?

Ref the wedding, i think someone should have arranged to swop an EARLIER weekend, so she'd have seen you sooner rather than later. I'm not sure about insisting she go to the wedding....but then I'm not sure about kids at weddings anyway (obviously just my opinion). I also think might be a good idea to have an after school date option, so that none of the kids go for 3 weeks or longer than normal.

tribpot · 20/05/2012 15:23

Fully understand why you didn't want to miss your brother's wedding. Your dp, on the other hand, has his dc as his primary responsibility and should perhaps have thought twice about whether he was available to come with you.

Original poster

Lala1980 · 20/05/2012 15:40

Thankyou. I will take this all on board. x

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread