Sulky SD(8) - hoped this would be a good day :-(

[Lala1980]

Today we had my DP's daughter for the day - we've started trying to have 1 of his 4 kids for a day on their own outside of our contact weekends (every other weekend) to try and get some one on one time and for me to get to know my DSCs as individuals. I was really looking forward to today as I've always got on pretty well with his daughter (the other three are boys). I took her this morning to have a ride on my pony, we then took her to Subway for lunch, then we took her to a dog show with our dogs - she even took the puppy in the ring and won a rosette! Now DP is taking her swimming. She has barely said two words to us all day apart from moaning about being cold and that she didn't really like the food in Subway. She hasn't said thank you for anything. And when I asked her if she was okay as she was being much quieter than usual she just said she had nothing to say to us. Due to my brother's wedding last weekend so we swapped access weekends around, we haven't had the kids for 3 weeks. I'm sure she must have something to talk to us about in 3 weeks worth of news...? Really after some advice - firstly, is she okay? Could it be her mother has put her up to not speaking to us? Is it just a sulky age (she is 8)? Has switching the access weekends around upset her? Or does she simply just not like me/us? We've tried to give her a really nice day, and quite frankly she has come across as sulky and ungrateful. DP told me to stop being childish when I said her attitude was upsetting me, so I don't know if I am just being over sensitive as I'm not feeling well (got a bad cold)? I've not gone swimming with them (much as I'd like to) as I didn't really feel welcome and I'm hoping maybe she'll open up to him if I'm not there... I appreciate DP is always going to side with his kids and not me - he is very much a disney dad!

Agree with other posters. Of course you couldn't miss that wedding! Up to your dp to sort out his access time around it.

I wouldn't worry too much about sd's attitude today. My dd is the same age. She gets tired at the weekends. You planned a lovely day for her but she's probably just a bit worn out. My dd often says she has nothing to say to me, and she just wants to be silent. She is still very young. You sound great .

Mama thankyou so much. I love mojitos too. x

Your DSD is old enough to display good manners and respect, and if your DP is not enforcing that, then there is a risk that her disrespect will get worse and she will believe that moody, sullen behaviour is acceptable to you both.

It is my DP's job to teach his DC's what is expected of them as they grow up - and thanking someone for doing something for them is part of that. If my DP chose not to correct his DC's when they were rude to me, or ignored me when I spoke to them - then I would consider him to be just as disrespectful towards me as the DC's behaviour!

You can't force her to enjoy herself, but you and your DP can expect a standard of behaviour from her, and it is your DP who should enforce it.

NotADisneyMum I don't think this incident necessarily means that she is showing op disrespect and that it will continue and worsen. She's only 8! I'm a stickler for manners and respect but if a child is a bit grumpy or silent (or even ungrateful) I wouldn't take it as disrespect. She (sd) has the right to have an off-day! I'd hate op to think there's more to it when it could be just moods. Fwiw I think the fact that sd is feeling confident and safe enough to be a bit grumpy or not overly-enthusiastic is a good thing. My dd can be a bit moany on occasion yet she knows that I love her so much and unconditionally that she knows I'll accept it, iyswim?

I do agree with you that the onus is on dad and op should not be feeling guilty or responsible when things are less than perfect - he needs to take charge more.

I cannot believe that some people think it these children's right to attend a wedding of someone they have no connection with, indeed have never met! That could cost op's brother £200. Just because their dad is seeing someone who has the temerity to have a brother who is getting married. She may be upset at not seeing her dad but you know....such is life. I am sure these occasions are rare. Op said that he previously had them 3 on the spin. It is swings and roundabouts wiith these things. Some posters live in lala land. Relationships would not survive if people utterly subjugated their needs to their childrens.

bamboo the OP refers to the DP's daughter as a step-daughter, suggesting a long-standing relationship with the girl's father. The absence of an invitation to the wedding suggests the reverse, perhaps.

However, it is still perfectly possible that the DSD is cross about not seeing her dad for so long, and for missing out on a wedding. And the dad perhaps changed his plans more to suit himself than his children.

Bamboostalks I really appreciate and relate to your comments. The three weeks on the trot was hard for me. I know it's normal for some people but every other weekend is hard enough for me. Their behaviour (another story) would have made the wedding stressful and embarassing had they been there. and they would have picked and fussed at the food lol x

Tribpot I have been with dp for a couple of years and have the kids eo w/e plus a holiday week due to dp's work. Dp and I live together but are not married. Kids have not met my family that are not local.

The oldest stepMum dilemma in history

If the OP had taken her DSC along to her brothers wedding, she would have been accused of overstepping.

If she had gone without her DP, then she would have been accused of excluding her DSC from her life.

Her DP makes the choice to go with her, rearranging contact with his DC's and possibly upsetting them; and somehow, that is still the OP's fault

Buckle up, Lala - the stepmum express is a very bumpy ride

"Her DP makes the choice to go with her, rearranging contact with his DC's and possibly upsetting them; and somehow, that is still the OP's fault"

Where does anyone say it is the OPs fault? I've looked but can't spot it. There are comments saying that the wedding/lack of contact may be why the SD is grumpy but not that it is the OP's fault.

My DP has an 8 year old. I've known her for 2 and a half years. She is usually a delight but sometimes (often when her big sister is not around) she is very quiet and a bit moody. This is invariably because she is not used to one to one attention and often overwhelmed by it... perhaps this was the case with your DSD?

I wouldn't assume it was the wedding and I wouldn't beat yourself up over that. I don't have my own kids and if we are invited to big events on an access weekend without the children we make a judgement call and will either reschedule our weekend (as you did), refuse the invite or arrange childcare (family).

I don't often come on the step-parenting threads, as although I have been a SM for a long time, I have had a much easier time of it than most of the people who post here ... and my DSCs are grown up now.

I'm sorry that you have had a difficult time this weekend. But I'm also sorry for your DSD. Its possible that she was just feeling overwhelmed with all the activity.

However, it WAS a long time since she saw her dad, she's only eight. My DH would never have done this - we would have all gone to the wedding or I would have gone alone. This is not your fault, its your DP's fault. But an eight year old won't necessarily understand this.

If you have been together for a couple of years, surely its time that everyone was properly introduced to everyone else, and that the DSCs become part of the whole of their Dad's new life ...? If you are planning children together at some point, this is even more important. This is a lifelong relationship (if that's your intention) with five people, not just their Dad.

soup no, your probably right - I think the only person blaming the OP is herself!

I do think that a SM can expect her DP to intervene if the DCs are rude or ungrateful though - the OP says that her DP dismissed her feelings, which is not a good sign

My kids have gone 3 weeks without seeing their dad before and it doesn't give then the right to be sulky and ungrateful when he sees them.
Manners are manners whatever the child is feeling. OP you obviously made a lot of effort for her and she should have been told off for being sulky and rude to an adult.

And my DSC are so badly behaved I would rather die than take them to a family wedding. I admit that I am quite ashamed of them as they are spoilt and rude..
However I accept that this means that if something falls on an access weekend I have to take my dc on my own and leave DP with his dc

There are kids who never see one parent at all. It's a good job we don't all believe that bad behaviour is excused by lack of contact.

there is no need to be nasty to this child but if no one teaches her to be grateful and respectful, she won't be. Some kids need to be reminded about these things, some don't.

Am a bit surprised people are suggesting it's all because you rearranged the rota or should have taken them all to a wedding. My Dc have alternate weekends at yheir dad's and we quite often swap weekends around for various reasons - which of course means two weekends on the trot and then a 3 week gap. My DC certainly don`t seem to resent their dad or SM when this happens. It's just part of life. I also have a DP with 4 kids and understand completely how difficult it is to do things with all of them. I think having some extra time with them all on their own is a lovely thing to do. Would suggest that maybe the day was just a bit overfull and dsd felt under pressure by it all. She may also find it a bit unseting to be without the others if she's not used to it. But don't think that just because she wad a bit sulky thay it wasn't worth doing. If we never did anything with my dsd1 that made him sulky he'd be locked in his room on his computer for days at a time!

The OP said that they had dsd for 3 weekends in a row a while back due to arrangements made by the mother. If they have an arrangement that is flexible like this then the child should be able to cope with it. We have set days in our house but it sometimes changes for holidays etc.

It makes me really cross when people suggest children should be invited to weddings. It's up to who is doing the inviting - no one is automatically entitled to an invite. At 8 the only was she would be offended by this is if someone told her she should be.

It's important to kids that their parents are happy and in balanced relationships and this means sometimes making your partner a priority in certain situations. This is one of those situations and it's really not harmful to the child to know that she isn't alaways going to be the centre of the universe and that other people have to be considered.

Please don't feel you have done anything wrong as it really sounds as if you are both working hard to make sure the kids have time with their dad and managing one-to-one time with 4 kids is not easy. Most children in together families wouldn't get this.