step mum about to explode...........please can anyone help???

[generaldogsbody1]

hi all, my dp and i got together 3 years ago. he told me on day 1 that he had 2 kids a ds then 14 and a dd then 12. i told him that i had 1yo ds. as our relationship went on it became clear that his dd had some serious problems, the main one being that her mother couldn't give a toss about her. i discovered that his dd was having a relationship with a 16yo boy, i reminded dp what he was doing when he was 16, i said he should put a stop to this relationship or get her on some sort of contraception. however dp chose to ignore this advice and as a result his dd became pregnant at 12yo, i was livid with him and the bm for allowing this to happen, their daughter was basicly (sp) being abused and they done feck all to stop it. his dd went on to have a mc, which was more trauma but a blessing. i now ensure that dsd gets contraception as she is still having unprotected sex. that was the start. over the last 3 years, his dd has become a drug user, dependant on alcohol, has been arrested more times than i can remember, including an arrest for street robbery, told her dad that she didn't want her depo any more, she has threatened me with violence once when i was pg, the list could go on. we have her 4 nights a week half of which she is pissed i put my foot down and told dp that if she was intoxicated she cannot stay here. i don't want my 4 yo ds and 10 week old ds exposed to her behaviour. what did he do on sat night? he brought her here n she was drunk!!! i know she needs support and believe me i have tried, dp won't back me up and he cannot be consistant with her at all. she has a social worker, criminal justice worker, a support worker at school, support outside school and the situation is gettin worse. if i say anything now i'm made out to be the bad one, saturday night was the last straw i nearly walked out with the two los, i have hardly spoke to dp since then. i feel as if i'm going to explode. sorry its so long, i needed to vent, and some advice and some perspective would be greatly apprieciated

I am so sorry I have no advice, but I really feel for you all, what an awful situation.

It sounds as if the child is very, very angry about something and is going on 'self destruct mode'.

Has she received counseling?

she is recieving drug counseling, alcohol counseling, she see's the school psycologist and receves counselling outside school also. she won't engage with any services and they can't make her.If she dosn't start to improve soon the next step is a residential school, which, i'm sorry to say would be a huge relief for me. she has become very manipulative and can be quite twisted at times. i know this is learned behaviour but if she isn't getting concistancy, boundaries and concequences for her actions then how can she be expected to change? if her parents cant change then what chance has she got? my dp has no parenting skills whatsoever, and the bm is an evil person, she tells sd on a regular basis that she hates her and wishes her dead, i find i difficult at times to bite my tounge about her!!! dsd is now 15, dss is now 17 and he still wets the bed ffs, he has no behavioural worries but i really feel for him

How awful for you

It sounds to me as if a residential school would be the best thing for everyone here - you've all tried everything else. You shouldn't have to go through this and your children certainly shouldn't, you're quite right to be worried about them too

Sorry I know this doesn't help you but I really do feel for you

No wonder she is angry, it sounds as if dss is taking it hard too!

Often the 'wild' child takes over the entire home with all of the constant conflict, the result the other children left (your dss) will try to do anything so as not to rock the boat and become almost introverted. I really feel for him too.

I don't know what advice I can give you, have you thought about 'family' counseling? If your dsd will accept the help offered to her maybe you, dp and dss would benefit from it.

You are right your dsd needs boundries.

Sorry I can't be much help, but keep posting, it sometimes helps to just get things off your chest, I can listen (I may not be much help but I can listen) and somebody may come along who has been there and will know how best to deal with this awful situation.

dp and bm both refuse to acknowlage that they are part of the problem!! both blaming each other, i think that they are afraid of hearing the truth. dp tries to set boundaries and consequences however dsd is an accomplished liar and can pull the wool over her dads eyes. i'm sure if she said jump he would ask how high!! he just cant be consistant with her. with the two los i feel as if i'm costantly pulling him up about something!!!

You have to try and talk to him, do you think that he would totally disagree with some family counseling?

The time for laying blame has past now, its time to act for the sake of all of the children involved.

I feel so sad for you all.

Hi GDB
Jsut seen this. Fraid I cant offer much advise either. Hopefully someone will be able to help you here. Wnated to bump this. Sorry will pop back later. Am tad busy today. Take care

any support would be greatly appriciated, feeling a bit better now i've got some of it off my chest. i was beggining to believe that i was being unreasonable. i'm dreading tonight, dsd will be here, better get the egg shells out now as the atmosphere starts long before dp picks her up!!

I hope that you don't have a too difficult evening and things stay calm for you all. I will be thinking of you.

I wish I could be more help to you.

You poor thing, this sounds awful. Sounds like dp and bm really need support in their parenting but that's no good if they won't acknowledge their part in it. I don't think you and your lo's should have to absorb this much though. What's your bottom line? How much are you willing to put up with?

i promised myself that i would give it till the end of this week, wait and see what happens. take it week to week for the next four if no improvement then me and the los are off

Well I for one wouldn't blame you for leaving. Being a stepmum is bloody hard enough without all this. It seems to be as if you care more than her parents do - sorry if that seems harsh but that's the impression I'm getting. Feel so sorry for everyone involved, it must be awful

Do keep posting - we can't help practically but it does help to talk

If this is what his parenting is like, gdb, and he's not prepared to do something positive to improve it, then it doesn't augur well for his parenting of your children in the future. Sounds like you might be the only parent in your home willing to confront the difficult bits of parenting. Which will make your life extremely hard, whether you stay with him or not.

It does seem that you are the only one who cares for her, please if you do leave, please, please don't cut yourself out of dsd's life completely.

I'm just looking at it from her point of view, she has suffered the 'loss' of her father when her Mum and Dad spit up (yes I know he still see's her but YKWIM), the loss of her Mums love, the loss of her baby, how much more loss can she take? She sounds lost herself.

I understand that your little ones are the most important ones to you but your dsd is desperately unhappy and on a course of self-distruct. It will be incredibly hard, but please don't cut her out of your lives and her younger siblings life. You would have to make it clear to her that there are boundries and she must not step over them.

When I have more time tomorrow I will try to find somewhere that you can get advice and the support you need.

don't get me wrong, dp cares for her he just has not got a clue how to deal with her. i care for her, she can be a really nice girl. i just can't deal with it any more. my dp thinks i hate her but i think that is coming from dsd, she cant deal with the fact that i generally know what shes going to do before she dose it. she gets her spoon out and starts mixing it, eg i dont think gdb (me) likes me, she keeps giving me dirty looks, or gdb is always judging me i dont like it etc, etc.

How are things today GDB?

Sorry this post is going to be long!!!!

The first thing I suggest is becoming aware of options. The second is to recognize that as good a parent (all be it a stepmum) as you are, this problem is way too big to handle without help. It can tear families and relationships apart and basically take over your life. It's no fun for your dsd either! Her drug use is her way of self-medicating some very deep pain, and she will need a three-step process, which must be done in order:

(1) addressing the drug use.
(2) addressing the underlying emotional issues and learning how to manage her without drugs.
(3) learning how to come back into the "normal" world.

Programs which target steps (2) and (3) when step (1) has not been addressed will waste time and effort.

But I guess you already know that and if she won?t accept the help that has been offered to her I don?t know what you can do. I hope she doesn?t have to reach rock bottom before she realizes that she needs this help.

One of two things are happening here IMO (as regards to her 'stirring', she can either sense that you are struggling (who wouldn't stuggle in your situation?) or she is pushing you away so that she doesn't get hurt when she loses you. Of course both could be happening.

I realise that her Father cares for her but kids are funny creatures if they have clear boundaries they may kick against them, then you get the "I hate you" thing, they don't really but its the boundaries that make the child realise that the parents love and care about them. If there are no boundaries they tend to think "I can do what I like, Mum and Dad don't care".

I don't know if I am explaining this too well, but I have known a lot of teenagers who have had problems, there are usually one of two reasons, they are being abused or the parents have set out no boundaries and the kids have no self worth.

It seems to me that you dsd has suffered emotional abuse from her mother ("the bm is an evil person, she tells sd on a regular basis that she hates her and wishes her dead") that coupled with the no boundaries and her loss have cumulated in her becoming this angry, mixed up teenager that has become impossible to control.

I'm sure there is hope for her you have said she can be a really nice girl... and they do grow up eventually, but in the meantime you may be in for a rough ride.

This site may help.

These books may give some helpful advice.

Another site that may have some useful advice for you.

I hope this helps, I am very concerned for you and your dsd. Keep posting.

same shit different day, she was half canned or stoned last night. on the phone to her school link worker for ages then dp was, when i asked dp what was going on the only explanation i got was "she's being an arse hole again" she won't look at me, she won't even acknowlage i'm in the house, which, by the way i own half of. I'm getting so stressed, i feel as if i start shouting about it i won't be able to stop. its really testing my self control

thanks squirrel, i have been on to these sites before with dp, have talked these points through with him till i feel as if i'm a tape recording on loop. i have tried getting onto the relevant agencies, help lines etc but because i'm not a legal gardian, they can't help.

Take a deep breath, I'm sure that her attitude towards you is not personal, she has mixed up her parents splitting up with you being there.

Do you ever have quiet chats? I don't know what your financial situation is but could you go into town with her - let her choose a top or some make up that she wants or get her hair cut and styled if you can afford it - then go for a coffee in a cafe (netural ground) and just have a chat, nothing to deep, just let her get to know you out of the battle ground that is home at the moment. Get your dp to have the little ones, although, I do suspect she may look at you blankly and say "you what?" if you suggest it.

Well your dp has to take control of his daughter. Its so wrong that step parents do not have a say.

Poor you and poor dsd, it must be realy hard for you. I have 3 step kids, the eldest is 13, they are only in my house once a week and they are well behaved, they know when they are in our house they live by our rules but i do wory as they get older we may face theese problems (drink etc..). Your dh must find it hard as its his little girl and he doesn't wasnt to upset her or turn her away but he needs to think about how it will efect the other kids (your kids). Hope someone else can be a bit more helpful, good luck and i hope things get better for you all soon.

marne, you hit the nail on the head. dp canT stand the thought of loosing his daughter, he has admitted that he gives in because he is too scared that she will run away and he won't see her again. i have tried to explain to him that he is as good as giving her permission to destroy herself, and thats the point when he burys his head in the sand!!!

But he will lose his daughter if he lets her continue to spiral out of control, on the other hand if he takes his responsibility as a father seriously (being a parent isn't always about being the popular one) he may well get his daughter back, you know the one that he had before all of this started to happen and I am sure he wants that more than anything.

Have you tried this site? I haven't had time to have a good look, but it is for Step Parenting an Out of Control Teen.