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step mum about to explode...........please can anyone help???

40 replies

generaldogsbody1 · 16/02/2006 10:08

hi all, my dp and i got together 3 years ago. he told me on day 1 that he had 2 kids a ds then 14 and a dd then 12. i told him that i had 1yo ds. as our relationship went on it became clear that his dd had some serious problems, the main one being that her mother couldn't give a toss about her. i discovered that his dd was having a relationship with a 16yo boy, i reminded dp what he was doing when he was 16, i said he should put a stop to this relationship or get her on some sort of contraception. however dp chose to ignore this advice and as a result his dd became pregnant at 12yo, i was livid with him and the bm for allowing this to happen, their daughter was basicly (sp) being abused and they done feck all to stop it. his dd went on to have a mc, which was more trauma but a blessing. i now ensure that dsd gets contraception as she is still having unprotected sex. that was the start. over the last 3 years, his dd has become a drug user, dependant on alcohol, has been arrested more times than i can remember, including an arrest for street robbery, told her dad that she didn't want her depo any more, she has threatened me with violence once when i was pg, the list could go on. we have her 4 nights a week half of which she is pissed i put my foot down and told dp that if she was intoxicated she cannot stay here. i don't want my 4 yo ds and 10 week old ds exposed to her behaviour. what did he do on sat night? he brought her here n she was drunk!!! i know she needs support and believe me i have tried, dp won't back me up and he cannot be consistant with her at all. she has a social worker, criminal justice worker, a support worker at school, support outside school and the situation is gettin worse. if i say anything now i'm made out to be the bad one, saturday night was the last straw i nearly walked out with the two los, i have hardly spoke to dp since then. i feel as if i'm going to explode. sorry its so long, i needed to vent, and some advice and some perspective would be greatly apprieciated

OP posts:
generaldogsbody1 · 17/02/2006 09:40

squirrel, i have taken her to hairdressers had a nice time, then her mates appeared. didn't even get a ty she then left with said mates n got pissed. tried shopping, cafe, family meals, tried to organise movie nights. sometimes it works (if one on one) but family things are ruined. best eg was our family holiday to florida!!

OP posts:
Squirrel3 · 17/02/2006 09:43

I know its hard try to do more one on one things with her, you say it sometimes works.

I think that she doesn't know how to cope with 'family' things and 'creates' because 'that is what she is expected to do' IYKWIM.

Does your DP spend one on one time with her? Maybe she needs it.

Surfermum · 17/02/2006 10:36

Hi GDB, I'm a step-mum to a 10 year old but she doesn't live with us. This sounds really, really difficult for you. I have no practical advice to offer you, it sounds like there are lots of "professionals" involved and I just hope that she will start to use the help that is there for her. Stick around and use us to vent if you need to.

generaldogsbody1 · 17/02/2006 12:28

thank you all so much for responding, i'm feeling really desperate atm. i have all these thoughts rolling about in my head and whatever angel i look at them from seems to lead to more conflict. its good to know that i have people to talk to
i am even considering a visit to my gp to ask him to give me something to calm me down, i know i'm going to fly off the handel at some point, mmmm.... i wonder if people still have neuclear fall out bunkers lol

OP posts:
Squirrel3 · 17/02/2006 12:33

Talking to your GP would probably be a good idea he may have details of organisations that might be able to give you some much needed practical help and support.

Keep on talking on here, we are here for you, I wish I could be more help to you, and I wish I had all of the answers (but if I had them I could write a book and make a fortune ) I guess there are no easy answers but I will be thinking of you.

Surfermum · 17/02/2006 12:39

You could try contacting one of her workers to see if they offer support to family members in their own right. Or you could try Families Anonymous

NotActuallyAMum · 17/02/2006 12:39

Agree that a visit to the doctor could be a big help - not just for you but for everyone else too

FWIW I think you've done absolutely fantastic to get this far - I don't think I could have done. You must be a very kind and caring person

generaldogsbody1 · 19/02/2006 20:29

hi guys, just a quick up date, my mom stepped in and saved the day! she sat us both down and made us talk. problems remain the same though. but at least we are talking about it. I am now to attend meetings etc, and dp understands he has to toe the line with regard his dd, no matter how hard it is.
thanks once again for the support!! i will keep posting as this is a fantastic outlet for all my frustrations

OP posts:
Squirrel3 · 19/02/2006 21:09

That is brilliant news! I am so pleased.

generaldogsbody1 · 21/02/2006 10:01

more news, dp has asked me to make an appointment with dss's gp to address the bed wetting!!!! dsd is now being civil towards me a new support service has stepped in and (fingers crossed) they seem to know what they are doing. the organisation seem to have the same philosiphy and set up as the organisation i work for. i work with people who have mental health prob's. mainly youngsters who have drug induced psychosis/schizophrenia. so i don't need a chrystal ball to see where dsd is headed!

OP posts:
NotActuallyAMum · 21/02/2006 10:03

That's great news

Really hope you all get the help you need and greatly deserve - do keep us informed

Squirrel3 · 21/02/2006 10:43

Excellent news! It sounds like you on the right track now.

I am very pleased that dss's problems are being addressed too, he is obviously being affected deeply.

I hope that you get all of the help you need, I still think its going to be a rough ride for you all, but with the right help it will be easier. Hang on in there, you are a very special kind of person to still be there throughout all of this, well done. Keep posting if it keeps you sane I know it has saved my sanity when I have been having problems.

You are brilliant! Keep it up!

Squirrel3 · 03/03/2006 10:18

generaldogsbody, How are things?

generaldogsbody1 · 08/03/2006 09:23

hi there squirrel, well where do i start?????

we sent her away for a week, so that we can have a break and she can get away from her mother. its been bliss, so far.

attended a meeting on tues pm with new support service, social work, family and dsd. the meeting was a farse. it decended into chaos as no one took control of the meeting the points we were there to discuss went out the window. i did however managed to get my points across, very diplomatically i may add,

-dsd must be listened to, her feelings must not be dismissed

-parents need support and education when dealing with dsd, eg, a plan dawn up that they and dsd agree on for when dsd is out of control.

-dsd cannot stay at our home when intoxicated, due to the effect this is having on younger silings. provision must be made for this situation.

dp will arrange a meeting between the new service and us to discuss our views then we will suggest the same happens with bm, then dsd, ameeting should then be arranged with us all, and new service will act as chair, provide an agenda, with an opportunity to discuss aob at the end.

i have also suggested that dp and bm use some sort of mediation to work thier issues out, because as long as they are at each others throats then their daughter will suffer the consequences.

so thats the story so far, i have missed a lot out, if i had included it all i could have written a novel. lol.

at certain points through out the meeting i had to really bite my tounge, i kept wanting to offer to pick bms jaw off the floor and pop her eyes back into her head, esp when dsd stated that she wanted to live at bms and only come to us once or twice a week. i felt so sorry for dsd at that point, as i know myself at that age your mum is a very important figure. and to be pushed away like that must tear dsd apart.:(

OP posts:
Squirrel3 · 08/03/2006 17:42

I have only had time to briefly look at your post but from what I did read it sounds very positive, I am really pleased that you are able to have your say.

Keep us posted, you are doing a brilliant job, well done! Smile

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