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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Moral support for meal times please

35 replies

missduff · 14/04/2012 17:00

Im a bit nervous about this evening.
The step kids will be here in a minute and I'm giving them lasagne for tea, their Dad thinks they won't like it but said to do it anyway.
They are 4 and 6 (nearly 5 and 7) and I can only assume they are fed a diet of chicken nuggets and chips at home, they even requested pot noodles the other day. I'm not a snob but I refuse to feed them crap, I'm not going to give them food that I wouldn't feed my own child.
Plus I can't stand fussy eaters and I really think children learn they're eating habits for life, if they learn to eat nice food now they'll carry it on through life (hopefully).

Please can someone tell me how best to play it? I've got a pudding do shall i do the whole ''if u don't eat your tea there's no pudding''? Shall I refuse to make them anything else if they don't want it?
I don't want them going home telling their mum I'm cruel and force feed them but on the other hand I want this fussy eating nipping in the bud (at least when they're at mine anyway).

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

theredhen · 14/04/2012 17:26

I think it really depends on how much your DP will back you up?

If he won't back you up, then you're wasting your time trying to instill good eating habits in his children.

I too believe that good eating habits are instilled young but if you aren't there for them everyday, you are going to have an uphill struggle teaching them to eat what they're given. If their Mum is feeding them rubbish everyday, how much influence are you going to have if you only see them a few days a fortnight or so? (I'm making an assumption on contact time, so apologies if I'm wrong).

I also think it depends on how long you've been around in their lives and what sort of a relationship you have with them. If you're simply known as "Dad's girlfriend" and you'e only seen them a handful of times, then you really should be leaving the teaching of anything to their parents.

NotaDisneyMum · 14/04/2012 17:36

Are they your guests, or will your home become one of theirs too, in time?

If they are visiting, then I would treat them as such - don't make another meal, but apologise and offer sides/pudding as you would for anyone else you entertain.

If you are trying to establish 'house rules' then thats best led by their Dad - ask him what he expects in advance and tell him your boundaries - for instance, if he wants them to have a different meal, will you cook it or expect him to?

Original poster

missduff · 14/04/2012 17:41

I've known them for the last 2 and a bit years but DP has always had them at his Mum's. We're now expecting a baby of our own so things are now changing and they'll now be at our house every weekend (2 nights one week, 1 night the next week) plus they come after school on a Wednesday.

It's not all about teaching them good eating habits, it's also about teaching them to eat what they're given at my house and that I won't tollerate fussy eating.

I just think if I give in and give them pizza every week I'll be making a rod for my own back and I'll be stuck with eating pizza every Saturday night for next 15 years!

OP posts:

theredhen · 14/04/2012 17:51

No, no don't give in, especially if you will have a child of your own.

You can compromise though. I give my step children healthy meals that I know they like and stick with those, I wouldn't dream of trying something new and adventurous because I'm sure they would remind me how their Mums cooking is better.

My DP would back me up and has made his kids sit at the table if they refused something until they, at least, ate some of it.

What has DP Mum been dishing them up? Has she been pandering to the fussiness?

Whilst I do agree that fussy eating that is pandered to is not helpful, I think you do have to accept that different kids like different things and to expect them to eat everything you dish up everytime, is expecting too much especially if their Mum is dishing up pot noodles!

NotaDisneyMum · 14/04/2012 17:55

I think that your DP should get into habit of cooking for them when they're with you - you'll have enough on your plate
Start as you mean to go on - on DSC nights, he cooks and they are old enough to help clear away afterwards, too

Beamur · 14/04/2012 17:59

As a step Mum to a fussy eater, and Mum to another very specific eater, and a third child who will pretty much eat anything I really think you will be on a hiding to nothing with that attitude.
There must be some meals they like that you don't consider 'crap' so why not try and make them feel wanted and accommodated by making something they like rather than something you think they should eat.
Everyone -kids and adults alike - have things they like and don't like.
Making 'pudding' conditional on eating your meal is wrong on many levels too.
My very fussy DSD is much less fussy now - plus I suspect her 'fussiness' had a lot to do with the distress caused by her parents splitting up.
A colleague of mine has a step sister who hates her stepmum - mostly around her SM's attitude to feeding her kids & stepkids....

Kaluki · 14/04/2012 18:04

I refuse to cook different meals for DSC.
I don't mind if they genuinely don't like something but if they don't eat their dinner then they don't get pudding or sweets. Nits how I do things for my own dc so why should they be different?

NotaDisneyMum · 14/04/2012 18:09

Beamur - it works in our house!

Dinner is served to whomever is here at the time - all the DCs get the same and if they don't eat it, they go hungry

It worked a treat with my incredibly fussy DSS - a year on, and he'll now try anything and eats with too much gusto
DD gets her junk food fix at her Dads and tolerates many of the dishes we serve - but she sometimes discovers that a particular dish that she thought she'd hate is quite yummy really

My DP and I are both foodies, and we have decided to parent both our DCs in this way. It's not for everyone - bur don't knock it til you've tried it

Pumpster · 14/04/2012 18:13

So what do they eat at his mum's? Could you not have tried to do something that they like for their first meal at your house?

Beamur · 14/04/2012 18:14

Well, our stepkids used to live between the houses with a more or less 2 nights here, 2 at Mums, so if DSD didn't get food she liked she simply would not eat. She wasn't confrontational or horrible about it, but would just not eat - which really really upset DP - so it wouldn't have worked for us at all. I can't say I find it much of a bind to stick a couple of fishfingers in the oven while making something else though.
Maybe I am a soft touch

Pumpster · 14/04/2012 18:18

Dsd is here half the week. We try and cook things that none of them hate depending on who is here, it's just being nice!

Sushiqueen · 14/04/2012 18:28

Or you could have as we did, where the DSS's admited they ate "crap" at their mums (she didn't like cooking) and then had meals such as lasagne, chicken pie etc at ours. They loved to be given home cooked food and looked forward to it.

So children can accept different types of food at different houses.

weddingseason · 14/04/2012 18:38

What about serving up the lasagne but with a piece of bread and butter on the side?

fuzzpig · 14/04/2012 18:49

We had a similar problem with one of my DSDs who has a lot of problems with food.

We made quite a lot of effort with helping her get over her fears but it was very frustrating that it got undone at her house.

Something that helped was getting her involved with cooking - DH was once a chef so it helped that she wanted to be like daddy :) - it was also a nice, unpressured way to cement bonds between us all. We did simple things like making our own chicken nuggets instead of frozen ones, smoothies etc.

Both DSDs eat quite healthily at our house now - though there is still some sneaky vegetable diversion sometimes! Like Sushiqueen says, children can adapt to different rules in different places, for example my DSDs know that they can't watch certain things on tv here that they can watch at home, but it is totally offset by the fact we will happily spend hours playing board games with them etc...

glasscompletelybroken · 14/04/2012 19:06

I've had 5 years of absolute frustration with this. youngest dsd is very controlling with food - sometimes she will eat something and sometimes she won't. It's got nothing to do with whether she likes it or not - she is acting up and it drives me mad tbh.

I know what I would do if she was mine but she's not. I als know that letting young girls be this controlling over food can lead to a lot of other issues and really should be nipped in the bud.

I wish you luck, I really do.

Elk · 14/04/2012 19:06

The children are in the middle of a change of access arrangements and you want to lay down the law on the first evening. This is likely to be stressful for them so it would be nice if they could have something they like to eat, although I agree on the pot noodles
Children are very adaptable and will cope with different rules in different places but a softly softly approach is often far less stressful when dealing with food issues. New food alongside food they already know and like is often the best way.

I know anecdotes don't make data but my dbro was forced to eat anything put in front of him as a child and now only eats complete crap. I was allowed to be as fussy as I liked and now have a healthy balanced diet and eat a much wider variety of food than he would ever consider.

leftmysociallifeatthedoor · 14/04/2012 19:10

Well, tbh your attitude seems appaling and exceptionally judgemental. Do you have kids of your own?

I'd give them lasagne with salad and crusty bread. Then they have an option. I'd give yogurt and fruit for pudding whether they've eaten or not.

Beamur · 14/04/2012 19:12

Funny you should say that Elk one of my foodiest friends tells that as a child he and his brother were so fussy with food that for a long period of time their mother served them up a tin of cold beans for dinner...with 2 spoons, as she was so fed up with trying to feed them. Now he eats pretty much anything and really enjoys food.
Food battles rarely have any winners.

glasscompletelybroken · 14/04/2012 19:20

But Beamur I wouldn't have a battle - I would just cook one meal for everyone and it would be take it or leave it. I did it for my own kids and would love to do it for dsd's but not allowed

NotaDisneyMum · 14/04/2012 19:24

socialiife what difference does it make if the OP has DCs?

Her opinion and approach is shared by many of the mums who have commented on this thread - just because you don't agree, doesn't make it wrong and that she'll change her mind once she's a mum

I'm sure you'd call SS on me (DDs dad has) not only do I expect the DCs to eat what they are given or go hungry, I expect them to do chores, and we don't have a TV, games consoles or watch movies

Pretty dreadful, eh?! Bordering on abuse, maybe? Despite that, both DCs have accepted the ways things are in our home with very little complaining, so we must be doing something right

balia · 14/04/2012 19:25

Sounds like a lot of change very quickly, with lots of stress washing around, and you thinking about the future and maybe catastrophising a wee bit and putting a lot of pressure on yourself for things to go well but without making any mistakes etc etc?

Maybe just turn down the stress, forget about what you will and won't 'tolerate' and what you can and can't 'stand', and try to remember that you want eating at yours to be a pleasurable experience. Children are often wary of new foods, so why not a fun strategy? Show them a Garfield cartoon first and talk about how much he likes lasagne.

DSS has a very limited diet at home - it has taken years to get him to try different things and eat a little more healthily. And I'm sure I spent too long in the trap of making pizza every Friday that you are already on top of, but remember this isn't just about teaching them healthy eating, it is also about showing them how much you can empathise with them and how things are going to be in this new set up.

Good Luck!

Original poster

missduff · 14/04/2012 19:45

Well the meal was a great success, DP was wrong they DO like lasagne there wasn't a single moan or winge, they even requested salad which they ate.
The biggest fail was the pudding, they didn't even want any!
During the meal I asked what their favourite meals are and discussed what I should make next week and they asked for the same again.
So maybe it's actually my DP who's been pandering to their supposed fussy eating?
Anyway I've very pleased and not dreading meal times anymore

OP posts:

balia · 14/04/2012 19:49

Oh brilliant, am so pleased for you! What a great way to start this new era in your lives!.

Actually really fancy lasagne now...

NotaDisneyMum · 14/04/2012 19:54

Fantastic!

desertgirl · 14/04/2012 20:03

I'm glad it went well for you.

I thought like that about fussy eaters until I had one... who has flummoxed my parents (who do the 'no pudding unless....' thing) by not being terribly interested in pudding; though he will eat bread until the cows come home, and has always been encouraged to taste everything even if he thinks he won't like it. He is finally (at 5) getting more adventurous, though would still really rather live on white carbohydrate.

I know it's a different situation but if my ex acquired a partner who on day 1 started trying to make him eat things he doesn't like, I would be spitting feathers..... we are getting there, but I don't think it would be helped at all by something like that.

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