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Original poster

Disney dad strikes again

29 replies

tokenwoman · 08/04/2012 07:42

I don't live with DP but spend most of my time with him. 1dsd 15 lives with mother and eow with DP and my 2ds 19 and 20 eldest at uni youngest lives with me. there is no blended family in place this end. I've rented for the last 7 year after moving 600 miles to be with him I finacially support myself and my boys alone I am buying my own place but there has been a delay in completing but moved out last week won't complete for another 3 weeks all my stuff is currently in his garage
it was his daughters weekend but she wasn't due until Sunday my son stayed with friends until Friday and the plan was stay with DP and me until sunday and then move him to our friends who kindly offered to put him up for few days then back to DP .DS starts a new job on Tuesday so I'm trying to give him some stability until we move in
DP wanted him out by 10am Sunday so I could rearrange DSD room back to it normal mess but had no arrival time for DSD which I thought was a unreasonable But said "fine" DSD text at 2pm on sat to say she needed picking her and a friend up at 5 to stay the evening so DP jumped and said yes despite above arrangements
fast forward to massive row moved myself and ds out to friends
he hasn't seen his DD for over a month as she cancelled her last weekend with him, he will hardly see her in the coming months as he has made other arrangement for some of her weekends.
I guess I've finally realised I am so low down of the list of his priorities. it's all ok for her to cancel at the last moment. it all ok for him to cancel if he has something better to do on her weekends but not ok to cancel her because of me and my small emergency (the first in 7 years)
the sad thing is she will have arrived with friend gone straight to her room taken a vast quantity of cash off him and not spoken to him unless it was to go shopping or to go back home or to swap friends over to stay and he will have sat alone in the living room he has no real relationship with his DD

my DS is well aware that DP doesn't really want him around even if it's only for a couple if weeks
life feels dreadful at the moment I hate imposing on anyone bad enough when it's just me but with my son in tow as well the pain is unbearable
I've reached the end of this particular road with Disney dad and daddies little princess

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EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 08/04/2012 07:48

I don't think the problem is the DSD. I think the problem is your 'partner' whose really quite a selfish man.

He's not going to see HIS child because HE'S made other arrangements for HIS contact weekends? That's pretty selfish and doesn't sound much like he actually wants to see his own child.

His treatment of your son is unacceptable. Adults with normal empathy skills don't treat children that way. They really don't.

I'm not entirely sure what you are getting out of this relationship because he sounds like a pillock.

exoticfruits · 08/04/2012 07:51

Sorry to sound tough but he really isn't going to change.
At least you are not moving in together. In 3 weeks you will have your own place. Put up with it until then. Once in on your own take your time, make other friends and ask yourself if it is really what you want.
Fast forward 10, 20 years and he will still be dropping everything for his DDs and not taking any interest in your DSs.

tribpot · 08/04/2012 08:01

It's taken me a while to work out who was who in your post, but I don't think it's that surprising - or even really wrong - that your DP is prioritising giving his DD her own room back, even if she arrived a day early. Did she actually agree to the room being borrowed?

That being said, I can understand your point that he doesn't seem to take his contact weekends very seriously if he can rearrange them to suit himself - this still feels different to his dd requesting to come a day early, even if it was only to take some dosh from him - their relationship is their business and should be his priority (even if this seems to be the case only when it suits him).

But there seems to be no true partnership at all if he can't even make room for you and your poor ds for a few days whilst you wait to get into your new house. From your post it's not obvious what you ever get out of this relationship - moving 600 miles to not even move in together? In 7 years? Does he really regard you as part of his life, or a girlfriend to see when it's convenient to do so?

AThingInYourLife · 08/04/2012 08:05

A 15 year old girl is entitled to feel she always has a place at her father's house. It's her home too.

Your DP is under no obligation to make that room available for your grown-up son.

It was entirely forseeable that she might change her mind about when she showed up at her Dad's.

I can't believe you think he should have told his own daughter that there was no room for her because he had given her room to someone else.

Their arrangements to see each other are not really your business. If they both prefer to have a looser arrangement when she is in her teens, that is up to them.

If you wanted a more reliable arrangement for your son because if his job, you should have found somewhere less likely to be needed than the bedroom of a 15 year old girl on her contact weekend.

purpleroses · 08/04/2012 09:35

I regularly make use of my DCs rooms when they're at their dads. They know I do this and as far as I'm concerned don't get any say in the matter - I make sure that everything is back in place nicely for them when they return. But if they did come back earlier than expected, I would try to give them their room back, and rearrange my visitors, I'm afraid. So don't think your DP was being unreasonable in doing this.

Though I would have thought your DP should have tried to make you and DS feel as welcome as possible in his home, even if you weren't able to make use of his DD's bedroom - eg put DS up on the couch, and appologise for having messed you around.

Moving house is very stressful, hope you get your new place sorted out soon.

Original poster
tokenwoman · 08/04/2012 11:48

ok so it seems that Ive been unreasonable to question the hurried re-arrangments on saturday rather than sunday in expecting him to tell his DD to stick to the pre-planned arrangements and for just once she couldnt just demand to come over at short notice -

emily - i never said it was the DSD problem its always been his poor parenting
athing - I guess that for the last 8 years I have been under no obligation to wash, clean, cook, shop, garden, or make his DD comfortable my fault for doing so and yes silly of me to expect him to keep to the plan and I should have made a more reliable arrangment rather than ask and expect my DP to give help and support
to everyone else yes he is selfish and I guess Im about to become a single girl

OP posts:
EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 08/04/2012 12:59

It's her room; in her house. It's not unreasonable for her to want it.

HappyGirlNow · 08/04/2012 13:01

OP, I agree with you. It had already been pre-arranged for your son to stay and I don't think it would have done your partner's daughter any harm at all to be told that this once the room was required to help you and your son. It's not like it happens all the time and while he has a duty as a father he also has an obligation as your partner to help you out within reason.

Why did you move so far to be close to him and not move in with him after so long together?

Smum99 · 08/04/2012 13:16

I think the issue is the way it's been handled and I suspect token has prior experience of the partner's uncaring approach to her son. I think this is the root of the problem. We often have the reverse situation, dss will come stay unscheduled and it means my dc's have to shuffle around. I make sure that everyone is looked after and dh & I would discuss what to do. We certainly want to make sure everyone feels welcome and that can be achieved even with limited space.

Good Luck Token, I suspect this is the final straw for you.

Original poster
tokenwoman · 08/04/2012 13:17

happy i have 2 sons who were young teenagers I wasn't about to foister them onto anyone else nice as they are and he didnt really want them around
walking on eggshells is not my forte,
renting was supposed to be temp solution while we got to know each other (we'd known each other only 6 months) his divorce cost him half a million quid+ he wasn't and isnt prepared to go through that again (Im such a gold digger!!)
7 years on Im fed up with renting and buying my own place should have done it earlier but life has a way of running away with itself

boy am i getting hammered here today, her room her house Ive no right to be there let alone let my son use it

OP posts:
HappyGirlNow · 08/04/2012 13:53

Token, I'd be very annoyed too. I'm definitely with you on this. You seem to do a lot for them and its not much to ask back, to inconvenience them slightly...

Maybe your new house will be a wonderful brand new start for you, in every way :-)

AThingInYourLife · 08/04/2012 14:14

" tell his DD to stick to the pre-planned arrangements and for just once she couldnt just demand to come over at short notice"

She wasn't "coming over" - her Dad's house is her home.

That you think there is something "Disney" about a 15 year old not being fucked out of her bedroom so her Dad's girlfriend's adult son can sleep in her bed is a bit screwy.

She wanted to come home, so the room you had put your son in was no longer free.

I can't believe you think an adult man should get priority over a teenage girl when it comes to who sleeps in her room.

Original poster
tokenwoman · 08/04/2012 15:01

thanks athing kick a girl when she's down... I'll get my coat...

OP posts:
Original poster
tokenwoman · 08/04/2012 15:09

by the way athing you dont know my son he is well aware that my DP didn't really want him there even without his DD around read my OP DP is quite happy to cancel his DD weekends to do his own activities

OP posts:
Original poster
tokenwoman · 08/04/2012 15:25

for all intents and purposes I live with my DP and maintain a seperate residence for my 2xDS so no one has to cope with step family issues i do chores in both houses the difference is my sons do their share at mine and my DP does nothing, his daughter is expected to do nothing even make her bed at his
Ive endured this for a long time and more
it was 1 night, pre planned, i moved heaven and earth to get him out on saturday before 5pm because DP didnt want to say no to DD
i understand now Ive been unreasonable in expecting anything other than that
are you happy now athing Im already suicidal over what is the break up of my long term relationship without you going for the kill and Id already admitted that I was wrong earlier thats what these boards are for to help us get some perspective when things are foggy
happy easter

OP posts:
EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 08/04/2012 15:26

Why are you in a relationship with a man who clearly hates your children? Confused

Why are you with a man who is selfish that he puts his own needs above his daughter?

Honestly, he sounds a complete prick. Why are you wasting your life with him?

EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 08/04/2012 15:28

X-post.

Sweetheart, this man isn't worth it. He really isn't. Your children matter. You matter. Not someone whose been ficking you around for years.

tribpot · 08/04/2012 15:36

tokenwoman - you have to remember, we can only go off what you've written here, we don't know all the background. I don't think anyone is disputing that your 'd'p has behaved badly - towards you, your ds and your dd in his casual attitudes.

I think it's good that you're buying your own home, as it feels like you've accepted he's never going to move past the frankly shocking attitude that he doesn't really want your dses around in his house. It sounds like you've been taken for a ride if you've been doing chores at both yours and his when he clearly doesn't want to include you fully in his life.

But the way your posts read, your resentment appears to be towards his DD - I know you have said that it isn't. The room is hers, however - but your 'd'p could certainly have been more courteous in the way he handled the situation.

It sounds like you are under a lot of pressure with the unfortunate delay in your move, and trying to please everyone except yourself. It genuinely sounds as if a permanent split from this guy, coupled with the move into your own place, is the best thing for you. He sounds like a lousy parent and step-parent, and I hope you're soon turning a corner on this whole thing.

AThingInYourLife · 08/04/2012 15:51

Yound

AThingInYourLife · 08/04/2012 15:53

You do all the housework at this guy's house even though you don't live there?

Seriously?!

Why on earth would you even consider allowing him to use you as a housekeeper when you don't even live together?

HappyGirlNow · 08/04/2012 16:06

I understand you must be very upset right now Token. It's so hard when we want someone to be something they're not. His actions are telling you loudly and clearly that he won't ever be what you really want or need. Believe me when I say there's a happy future for you and you will be free to meet a man who supports and loves you the way you should be.

Athing, I think the OP means she spent a lot of time at her DP's house so she wouldn't be stupid to do a share (although not all!) of the housework. But I think DP is quite clearly explaining that she knows lots of things re the relationship weren't right and also how desperate she feels so I'm not really sure why you appear to be trying to make her feel worse!

HappyGirlNow · 08/04/2012 16:08

*OP not DP Blush

glasscompletelybroken · 09/04/2012 09:19

token I'm with you here. Your DP dd does not live with her dad. She is not even a particularly regular visitor. Both her and her dad seem to view the contact as optional and are not commited to it other than when it suits them and they have nothing better going on.

Most of us do not have a large enough house that we can keep one room sacred and untouched for an occassional visitor - whoever they are. My dgc sleep in dsd's beds sometimes when they are not here, my sister has too. it's normal family stuff. When I was a kid I once slept in the bath as we had a houseful of visitors!

Surely it won't do this spoilt girl any harm to learn about helping other people out. It was a one-off emergency situation. The OP appears to have done enough in this family to have earned herself a favour.

I don't see the need to question the reasons for the OP's life choices or why she does the housework - that's not what she was asking about. We are all different and make decisions that are for the best at the time we make them. I think the OP is about to make another decision which will be right for her now and she could do with a little support.

Good luck token and take care.

therewasatime · 09/04/2012 09:43

Poor you - I'd say new house, new life and end it with the tosser.

You shouldn't have to be living like this at all and as if him putting up his lOng term partner and child is a favour.

Good luck.

HappyGirlNow · 09/04/2012 11:38

Hi token, how are you today?