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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Spoilt stepson

37 replies

HappyGirlNow · 31/03/2012 14:47

This is the first time I've posted here though I've been a lurker for a while. I'd like some perspective please.

Been with partner around 4 years. Basically live with him and his 19 year old son. My daughter is almost 20 and she'll be moving in with us in the next few weeks as our house is in the process of being sold. She is unemployed after being made redundant but new location should offer better job oppoprtunities for her as we lived in the sticks.

Problem I have is becoming increasingly irritated by my partner's parenting of his son. The son isn't unpleasant but I just think he is totally spoilt and entitled.

To summarise:

He is 19 and has a full time apprenticeship bringing home £150 a week which will rise substantially this year.

He doesn't pay any digs although he buys most of his own food (when he was asked for digs originally he said if he was paying digs then he wanted x,y and z in the fridge all the time to which partner laughed and said he would have what's the and if he wanted special food he would have to buy it up ad above digs. Well, he's never paid digs as partner never enforced that and yet gets food he wants so that's what he wanted in first place!

Partner still pays his mobile phone contract for him.

Partner bought him a car when he passed his test last year (son was in a huff cos it want ready immediately he passed his test!) and has just bought him another better one that his sister was selling. These are or expensive cars (£hundreds rather than £thousands) but I just can't believe he's gone and out him another car!

Sn, having not paid any digs or any of his own costs, is off to Tenerife on holiday with his girlfriend in a couple of months.

We have very different views on parenting. I believe once they're out earning they should be starting to pay things and save for things themselves. He doesn't think it's any of my business. He thinks he's just helping his son. It really grates on me. Partner pays all maintenance on cars as well ( and it's clear this is just expected by his entitled son), the sons gran pays the insurance, it just really winds me up!

Also, My daughter is moving n shortly. She pays her own phone from her jobseekers. I would help her and have done but not to the extent that my partner does with his son and I don't think that's fair that they get different levels of help if they're living together.

Partner doesn't think he should have discussed buying second car for son with me as its up to him what he does with his son. He knows I think is son is spoiled and that he panders to him.

Soooo.. There's a bit of tension at the moment. Am I in the wrong here? Wold love some perspective pls.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGirlNow · 31/03/2012 14:48

*apologies for autocorrect errors! Hope you can translate.

OP posts:
Memoo · 31/03/2012 14:51

I think you need to back off a little.

Neither of you is right or wrong. It's just two different but equally valid view points.

Goawaybob · 31/03/2012 14:56

Im sorry, but its HIS son, so it really is none of your business unless finances are tight and it is impacting on the family finances. I think its great that your partner is looking out for his son. I would have loved to have been able to buy my DD a car etc but couldnt afford it. She doesn't live at home, she lives with her DPs parents. She pays £200 a month, his mum does all her washing, and provides them with meals 3 nights a week - they eat out, have takeaways the rest of the week. I think its very generous of her actually, she doesn't take any money from her son as the £200 covers both of them but he paid it when DD wasnt working. DD is 21. It really comes across that you resent this boy and id get over it pretty quick if i were you, because your DP will resent you for that

Original poster
HappyGirlNow · 31/03/2012 15:10

Thanks for your replies.

Finances aren't tight but I just think parenting is about letting them start taking a bit of responsibility for themselves. Life isn't about working and keeping all your wages for the fun stuff while your family continue to foot the bill. Supposing I was a millionaire I wouldn't want to hand my daughter everything, it doesn't teach them anything.

I'm not saying you can't help them but if there are 2 teenagers living together then they need to be getting the same amount of help or it's not fair and will lead to tension. To do this it's up to him and I to discuss and compromise before we go offering this, that and the other to the kids or it's just asking for bother. In that respect I think it is my business.

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Goawaybob · 31/03/2012 15:17

But he is not your son, she is not his daughter, they are not children, they are adults. It is up to your DP what he does with his son, just as it is up to you to do what you wil with your daughter, if you dont think its fair, maybe look to compromise but i would tell anyone who told me not to help my DD out to fuck right off actually

Original poster
HappyGirlNow · 31/03/2012 15:24

They're adults. Precisely.

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Goawaybob · 31/03/2012 15:38

So having the treating them both equal is crap becaues your DD is grown up enough to know that he is the boys dad and if he chooses to give him more financially than you do her, its not a reflection on her. FWIW i agree that they should learn to stand on their own two feet and i wodlnt be paying the phone contract, id buy car if i could, but i cant

Smurfy1 · 31/03/2012 15:40

It really depends how you and your partner intend to live together as equals or you in HIS house

My husband treats me as an equal and if he was setting his DD up for a HUGE shock in the real world then he would expect me to not TELL him but you could say dont you think SS could pay xx amoun tas digs but you could then save this for him as a deposit or something (that way your not really getting digs if you know what I mean)

My parents did this for each of us (it helped so much with buying stuff first flat)

You also I would say need to fight your battles carefully as you are moving into a pre established relationship of adult males and tbh just because he has the money to spend on his kids doesnt mean your daughter is going to expect the same treatment she isnt a teenager anymore at 20 and probably more mature than your SS for which you should be proud

BUT you are not and never will win this fight as your partner already knows how you feel and yet does what he does as he feels he is doing the best for his child as we all do

Good luck and think of it this way if it doesnt impact YOU why do you care so much

ArcticRain · 31/03/2012 15:48

If it was me id keep all finances seperate , split joint outgoings 50/50 and bring your daughter up how you see fit .

I would however discuss expectations on how long adult children will live at home for etc It may be your view points are different here too . If you can't come up with a middle ground then think about what you want for your future .

Original poster
HappyGirlNow · 31/03/2012 15:52

Thanks Smurfy.

I've basically been living with 'the boys' full time for over a year now. DD been staying in my house with her boyfriend there most of the time but now that house is being sold. Partners flat is currently rented but we're about to put an offer in on a house.

It doesn't matter what I say to him he does what he wants with no regard. He doesn't stick to anything where his son is concerned. He tells him he needs to pay digs/maintain his cars etc etc blah blah (so must obviously agree he should!) then his son doesn't and he let's it all slide... It's like his son rules him!

Spoiled kids irritate me in general so living with one and listening to the entitled attitude grates beyond belief.. He's just been going round going on and on about his new car but to me there's no real gratitude the - he just expects! Very ungrateful.

Regardless of the fact they are not both our kids, we will be the parents in the house and should be consulting each other before giving away hundreds of pounds and helping either kid to that degree. That's my old-fashioned view of how couples should interact.

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Original poster
HappyGirlNow · 31/03/2012 15:56

Thanks Arctic. I think our points of view on all things kid related are different. I've no probs helping them at certain times in life but to just let them live for free so they can live it up is not helpful in my view.

Where does it end? And what teenager would ever want to move out when they live in a free hotel with no living expenses and free cars?!!

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ArcticRain · 31/03/2012 15:58

There should be ground rules and basic agreement on expectations. That what families do .

Lostinsuffolk · 31/03/2012 16:02

Happy, can I ask - how do u get on with DSS? Generally...do u have a good relationship?

Original poster
HappyGirlNow · 31/03/2012 16:03

Thanks Arctic, that's what I though. But I can't say anything about anything son related without there being resistance whether it's about housework or money...

He just doesn't understand that living with someone else's kid is not like living with your own. There isn't the love and history and acceptance there. Add different ways of bringing kids upnto the mix and jeez! It's not easy!

He'll get a wee taster soon tho when my aughter moves in.. He'll see it's not as easy to just let things wash over you as he currently thinks it is!

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Original poster
HappyGirlNow · 31/03/2012 16:04

*daughter

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Original poster
HappyGirlNow · 31/03/2012 16:07

*daughter

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Original poster
HappyGirlNow · 31/03/2012 16:09

Hi Lost.

Relationship ok. It's civil anyway. He's quite arrogant, two faced and false IMO. But he's polite, we have a laugh sometimes and will do what he's asked - it's his father that just won't enforce stuff with him after telling him he just let's everything go.. Does my head in.

And I'd bet any money that everything that goes on gets fed back to his mother word for word! They're weirdly close. Call each other siblings rather than parent/child!! I just call it weird.

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Original poster
HappyGirlNow · 31/03/2012 16:11

Tbh, my problem is not so much with his son, it's with the lack of parenting and the attitude of my partner.

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ArcticRain · 31/03/2012 16:14

To me , the issue here is that your partner isn't listening to you . Yes he is his son , but it us your home, and you should be allowed to create ground rules .

With regards to house work , make sure its equally split . If he doesn't want his son doing any , then he needs to pick up the slack . Don't do everything for them .

I imagine things may change when your daughter moves in . Perhaps your daughter may influence his view point on parenting or she may even influence the son . Can you use her moving in to come up with house rules with him ?

Lostinsuffolk · 31/03/2012 16:24

Phew.... Was sitting here thinking the problem is really that u both can't agree but struggling to type... :) I agree with artic who got there before me! ground rules are everything. Have no rules: have kids treat u and ur home like a free hotel! :)

Original poster
HappyGirlNow · 31/03/2012 16:41

Thank you, that's it. He won't take anything on board or accept that it's difficult to live with someone else's kid, that it's not the same as living with your own kids. Thing irritate on a whole new level. But then I don't expect anyone who hasn't done it to really understand - I wouldn't have prior to this.

I just feel really hacked off right now. Fair enough we have different attitudes but that's why we should be discussing things and compromising before acting. Ok they're older, but if one who is working and earning is being handed cars/ phone paid etc and then my daughter who has less doesn't get any of that, well it's def going to cause problems! He just makes decisions and tells me after the event! I wouldn't do that with him Sad

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Original poster
HappyGirlNow · 31/03/2012 16:42

Yes, I hope when he understands reality of living with a stepkid and dynamics then he'll get it a bit more.

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Original poster
HappyGirlNow · 31/03/2012 16:46

Forgot to say - he does do housework but honestly, the hoo ha and resistance i met from his father just to get done kind of set routine in place! Tried to make out I was some kind of control freak! But having set tasks was only way it would work, had tried everything else! Shouldn't be that hard! My partner is so defensive!

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Smurfy1 · 31/03/2012 17:06

if he's defensive he must think your attacking the way he is bringing up his child, imagine if he did that to you about your daughter step back from the situ for a sec

Try suggesting things or if (example) SS leaves a plate at his arse instead of going why do you let him do that try OH darling could you please move that plate through for me etc etc he will soon gets pissed off doing what SS should be doing

It worked for me and my DSD is 10 rofl

if you continue to be at loggerheads he will be defensive and he will defend his child after all its what parents do

Original poster
HappyGirlNow · 31/03/2012 17:10

Thanks Smurfy. Yes you are right, he does see it as an attack on his parenting.. Or lack thereof. And it probably is to a degree.

I have been in his position too. I was with my ex for 11 years and he wasn't daughter's sas and I can see some of the same dynamics the but I was the defensive parent. I must admit, I feel low sympathy for my ex now tho... Now I'm on the other side of it.

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