Spoilt stepson

[HappyGirlNow]

This is the first time I've posted here though I've been a lurker for a while. I'd like some perspective please.

Been with partner around 4 years. Basically live with him and his 19 year old son. My daughter is almost 20 and she'll be moving in with us in the next few weeks as our house is in the process of being sold. She is unemployed after being made redundant but new location should offer better job oppoprtunities for her as we lived in the sticks.

Problem I have is becoming increasingly irritated by my partner's parenting of his son. The son isn't unpleasant but I just think he is totally spoilt and entitled.

To summarise:

He is 19 and has a full time apprenticeship bringing home £150 a week which will rise substantially this year.

He doesn't pay any digs although he buys most of his own food (when he was asked for digs originally he said if he was paying digs then he wanted x,y and z in the fridge all the time to which partner laughed and said he would have what's the and if he wanted special food he would have to buy it up ad above digs. Well, he's never paid digs as partner never enforced that and yet gets food he wants so that's what he wanted in first place!

Partner still pays his mobile phone contract for him.

Partner bought him a car when he passed his test last year (son was in a huff cos it want ready immediately he passed his test!) and has just bought him another better one that his sister was selling. These are or expensive cars (£hundreds rather than £thousands) but I just can't believe he's gone and out him another car!

Sn, having not paid any digs or any of his own costs, is off to Tenerife on holiday with his girlfriend in a couple of months.

We have very different views on parenting. I believe once they're out earning they should be starting to pay things and save for things themselves. He doesn't think it's any of my business. He thinks he's just helping his son. It really grates on me. Partner pays all maintenance on cars as well ( and it's clear this is just expected by his entitled son), the sons gran pays the insurance, it just really winds me up!

Also, My daughter is moving n shortly. She pays her own phone from her jobseekers. I would help her and have done but not to the extent that my partner does with his son and I don't think that's fair that they get different levels of help if they're living together.

Partner doesn't think he should have discussed buying second car for son with me as its up to him what he does with his son. He knows I think is son is spoiled and that he panders to him.

Soooo.. There's a bit of tension at the moment. Am I in the wrong here? Wold love some perspective pls.

Thanks.

*dad

HUGS hun

Its bloody hard and i love DSD like she is mine BUT end of day she isn't and I can quite happily (when completely pissed) pass the buck to OH if she is ignoring me etc and he hates it cos he has to be the bad guy and NO dad wants to be the bad guy especially if they are estranged from the mum (disney dad comes to mind) and I had to verbally smack that outta my OH for DSD own good. Thankfully she isnt a brat though

You are living together as a family unit and so decisions involving the house should be made together.

This should be the case with all households, whether it's biological families, step families, lodgers or a student house!

I would be furious if I was in your position however, you need to do this carefully because it will come accross as if you are attacking him, his children and their relationship. Stop focussing on the way he is raising his son and concentrate more on you all as adults needing to co-operate and contribute to the household.

If their is still resistance and a refusal to negotiate then I would seriously re-think buying a property together and when you DD moves in I would rather childishly spoil her rotten without a second thought for anyone else in the house and see how they like it (Disclaimer...THIS IS VERY CHILDISH AND WILL PROBABLY CAUSE YOU MANY MORE PROBLEMS BUT IT COULD BE LOTS OF FUN)

thanks everyone for your input. You know, it's such a relief to find women who understand. No one can understand what it's like living with children who aren't your own unless they've done it. It's so so difficult. And things impact on you by just being in the vicinity of it.

It'll be interesting when dear daughter moves in. She's basically had run of my house with her boyfriend for the last year bar the odd night I'm home. So, going back to rules and structure and consideration for other members of the household may be a struggle! But I'll worry about that another day

Lol thanks Jacqueline. That's an idea!

I can see why you feel irritated when your partner breaks all his own rules for his son's behaviour. But I wouldn't take kindly to any partner criticising my parenting either (more likely to make me defensive). So I agree with others you have to be careful with this as otherwise you risk making him feel more entrenched.

Also, as you said, it is different with your own child and someone else's in terms of tolerance. From what you have said, your SS doesn't sound like he is a terrible person, just used to relying on his dad.

Also, you describe your DD living in your house with her boyfriend until recently - I'd have considered that a lot of help from my mum when I was 20 (let alone moving back in with her at that age), personally, as I moved out much earlier. I was living in a far away city and when I lost my job, I didn't have the option of moving into my mum's partner's house.

I think that in the same way you are trying to be thoughtful and nice to your partner's son, it is quite nice of your DP to welcome your DD with open arms into your shared home (unless that is not the case) which suggests he respects your family ties.

So what I was trying to say in a long winded way is see how it goes when your DD moves in. Your DP may either:

• see her being independent and feel his son should do the same;
• feel some of the same way you do about his son about your DD (ie how hard it is to step-parent) and then you can set about together making some changes.

Apologies if you think I've been at all critical here - I was just hoping to offer another view. It can be really hard to be a step-parent to an adult so I hope it all works out for you.

Hi Ruby. Thanks for your post, I appreciate the balance from you and all the posters. You're right, in a less direct way I have paid a lot out for my daughter over the last year so it does work both ways.

My partner is eager for my daughter to live here so no complaints there. In fact, apart from his bloody mindedness and sole decision making, he's fab. But I can't take feeling like I have no vote in certain things and that's how he can make me feel. To me, we're the adults, we set the rules and make decisions (within reason) behind the scenes and come to an agreement which is then filtered down to kids and open to challenge, but essentially partner and I should be a team. Doesn't feel like that at the moment and that's what upsets me.

Well thats u sorted then! Is it ime for wine!!!

Lol Lost! I'm on my 2nd! To be fair, It'd beef Wellington for dinner, and once you start cooking with it..... Who can resist???

Thanks ladies... From this newbie poster, I'm so glad I found mumsnet.... And that's not even the wine talking [big grin]

Or even

Welcome, happygirl.

It is ridiculous for anyone to say that it is nothing to do with you or that you should have no say; it is a shared home. You both should have equal input into what adults live there and how much they contribute to the household, financially or in terms of helping out, etc. Moreover, you should both have an equal role in establishing the rules of the home. The adult children who choose to live there can choose to accept and abide by those rules, or they can go.

To me, we're the adults, we set the rules and make decisions (within reason) behind the scenes and come to an agreement which is then filtered down to kids and open to challenge, but essentially partner and I should be a team.
I agree with you 100%, if you were talking about younger children. Now that you are dealing with supposedly 'adult children', I'd suggest a minor rewording - "To me, we're the householders, we set the rules and make decisions (within reason) behind the scenes and come to an agreement which is then filtered down to kids and open to challenge, but essentially partner and I should be a team." The fact that the kids are no longer minors just makes this even more true. You and your DP are allowing them to live there, and it should be on your mutual terms. I wouldn't accept anything less from your DP, honestly - he needs to make you an equal partner. Frankly, (and I understand that you are not suggesting this!) if you woke up tomorrow and decided you did not want your adult DSS living with you, I would hope that your DP would say 'right, ok. he's got to go.'

Do you share finances? If so, it is obviously your business where and how the household money is spent.

Stop focussing on the way he is raising his son and concentrate more on you all as adults needing to co-operate and contribute to the household.
Exactly...agree on house rules, and present them to both kids. this is the way we are going to live, here's whjat is expected of you, here's what we will be contributing and here's what you will be expected to come up with yourself - and here is a timetable and here is what is going to happen if you can't live by the rules. And stick to it.

Thanks brdgrl, again it's great to speak to someone who really understands

You're right, at the end of the day I moved out when I was 18, and they are older than that. Problem isn't really the kids, it's the partner! I really can talk until I'm blue in the face and he still doesn't get it.. Everythings a battle even when I approach it subtly (or as subtly as I can

He's so strong minded which is also what I love about him, but hard to get him to see any point of view other than his own...

Other than that, he's perfect....