DP & DSS lying....

[Ray75]

Hi,
I have an issue where my DP has 3 children from his first marriage, his oldest who is 15 has for the last 18months chosen to be mostly at our house (he does alternate w/e at his Mums). The thing is my DP travels with his job and I have stated that when this happens I feel DSS should be with his Mother at these times as his responsible parent when his Dad is out the country, she only lives down the road and is happy to have him, it is also her preference that if his Dad is not there to be his carer it should be her. Well the problem I have and I guess I should be flattered is that DSS would still rather come to ours, now what I have said is if I am able to get him to school etc around my work commitments I am happy for him to do this so long as his Mum knows that his Dad will not be there and is also happy.
What actually happens is DSS lies to his Mum saying his Dad is there and my DP backs him up, leaving myself and him Mum in the dark (I have caught them out with it this week)
Now I am no fan of his Mums and there is plenty of things I most certainly dissagree on with her however this I feel strongly about, I would be gutted and furious if I found out my son was not in the care I thought he was. The fact his Dad will be in India so not even near by I think is just wrong, what if God forbid something happened and I had to take DSS to the Doctors or something, I would have no choice but to call his Mum and how sad for her to discover all was not what she thought.
I have talked to DP about this in the past and given my position, I feel now should I say that unless they are upfront about whats happening he can not come at all if his Dad is not there?
When I caught them out over the weekend about this weeks arrangments my DP gets all huffy and acts hurtful as if I am saying it cause I dont want DSS there, which hurts me as that is not the case but I do see it as a Mum and how I would feel, not to mention being pracitcal about the childs safety and welfare...HELP

Would you consider applying for PR if your DH is away often? Would DSS mum agree?

As neither your DH or your DSS are showing you any respect, I see no reason why you should continue to cover for them

I would make it clear to your DH that you are happy to care for your DSS as long as his mum agrees, but because your DH lied to you in order to deceive his ex, the next time he is away, you will check with DSS's mum yourself - you can't rely on him to respect your feelings

There is a serious point to this; what if your DSS mum is out of contact at the same time as your DH is abroad? She might plan a trip away, assuming that your DH is primary carer - if your DSS got sick, was in an accident or even needed a parent to go into school, you wouldn't be able to do that without PR and neither parent would be available to make decisions.

Hi

I think you are absolutely right to be concerned about this esp given that your DP is abroad.

I would speak to your DP and outline your concerns about the situation and ignore his huffs. If it helps, I have the same problem with my DSC who are 16 14 and 11. I know that my DH's ex will NOT allow the kids to come up if he is not there which helps me.

The bottom line is that the access agreement either by consent or by order is between DP and his ex. Not you.

I agree with both Disney and taxi.

Let DP and DSS both know that when he is staying when DP is away you will let his Mum know he's with you and how long DP is away for.

This 'contact' when the NRP isn't there is nonsense.

Fenton - the OP's DH is the RP, I think - but if he is out of the country, I think someone else with PR needs to make the decision about who cares for the DC's.

Sorry, yes I did miss that, - and you are right about the PR, it could cause a serious problem.

Thank you for the great feed back, I wanted to persue it more with DP last night as this is a conversation we have had before :( however as he is away all week now I didnt want to leave things on a bad note. What I will do is speak to his son when I pick him up from school Thursday, I know he says its because his Mum gives him ear ache about being there instead of at ours (I can understand feeling a little hurt that your own son would rather be at the Step Mums) but if he wants to do it he has to man up to that not lie instead. Sadly she does have a temper and is a bit controlling and it seems after 3 years my DP also still is scared of the rath and chooses what he thinks is the easy option and lies. However what as 'NotaDisneyMum' has rightly said he doesnt show respect for the fact it means I am left unwillingly with Parental responsibility albeit unoffical. I have no wish to go for PR he has two active parents of his own, all I want is that everyone knows what is what and Im not being asked to do something I would hate to have happen to me...

Hi, can I ask something - do you want him there when your husband is away? Would you actually prefer he was at mum's?

I ask because having PR doesn't have anything to do with the parents, you are only additional so it takes nothing from the parents. I have PR because DSS is often in my care and it is sensible to have it - it has nothing to do with the relationship between him and his parents. And if he is going to be with you, with his mum's knowledge, it would still make sense for you to have PR in case she is unavailable for some reason.

I think you have to pursue it with your partner, he is being very rude to you and his ex, it is not ok to lie to people.

To clarify - before I get jumped on - when I say having PR has nothing to do with the parents - I only mean it doesn't diminish the parental relationship - of course the decision whether a SP should have PR has everything to do with the parents. Is that clear? Phew!

That's interesting to know about PR when your not the parent as I didn't know that, in answer to your question 'do I want him there' the honest answer is mixed feelings, he has chosen our house as his main home and I want to respect that however I also want to respect his mothers wishes when his dad is away, what ever other views I have where she is concerned I totally understand this one, she is willing and happy to have him on these occasions but isn't given the choice and neither am I. I'm going to air it with DP on his return aswell as speak to DSS. If all parties are ok with it then I am so long as my other commitments allow, something else not considered is that it's an hour round trip to take him to school then back to drop my son at his which is on our doorstep (my son is 7)......I should point out my DP is not inconsiderate or the sort who takes advantage in any aspect other than this one, both he and at times his ex have gotten into a habit of looking to me as their default for child care, to be fair I do my bit, I have even had all 3 of kids for a 3 night weekend when he had to work last minute and his ex had plans on her free weekend already, I just don't like it being assumed, there not my kids therefore it would be nice to be asked....

I'm going to air it with DP on his return aswell as speak to DSS. If all parties are ok with it then I am so long as my other commitments allow

....like chelen says, in this situation, it may be a good idea for you to apply for PR through the court - if both the DC's parents agree, then it is a straight forward process, and could be crucial if something were to come up as an emergency and neither your DP or his ex were available immediately.

Is it worthwhile seeking PR when he's 15? Might it ruffle feathers?

It's very nice that you are willing to have him when his father's away. And it's blimmin lovely that you think of his mother's feelings. No wonder he wants to spend so much time at your house.

Just out of interest, why do people think you need PR if DSS staying with you and his Dad is out of the country?
I would have thought he could consent to his own medical treatment if needed and anything else you could just let his Mum know. Urgent medical treatment can be done without anyones's consent eg he was in a car crash and needed urgent surgery.
School would have his Mum's details.
Just curious-

I would have thought he could consent to his own medical treatment if needed and anything else you could just let his Mum know.

That's assuming he is concious to consent - but more importantly, that his Mum is easily available!

I had this happen to me last year - I discovered that my exH had left DD in the care of her SM while he went abroad on business without letting me know, and I chose the same week to go away - so I wasn't easily contactable either!

I had assumed that as DD was in his care, that he would deal with issue if they came up, such as needing to go into school, or (heaven forbid) she was the victim of crime - without realising that I needed to be close by as he was not even contactable by phone a lot of the time.

Yes, the DC in this case is 15, but things do happen and if he needs an appropriate adult with him for any reason, or cannot speak for himself - then it can cause huge issues as few agencies will take the word of a step parent without speaking to a parent directly.

Not sure how it works elsewhere, but our GP has a notice in the waiting room saying "please don't send under 16s to see the doctor on their own as we are unable to see them without a parent or guardian present" - or something very like that. It's GP visits, etc that would more likely be a problem - for real emergencies they're not going to let them bleed to death because they haven't been able to contact a parent, but for an urgent need for antibiotics, new asthma inhaler, etc then the GP would usually expect to see the DC with a parent I think (or someone with PR).

Ok, that's interesting.

purpleroses so a girl of 15 wanting to see a gp to discuss contraception or termination of preg, would need an adult with her?? That doesn't sound right.

I can see in terms of an appropriate adult, in case of school issues or police, but does that have to be someone with PR? 'tis all very complicated.

I think GPs can make decisions on case by case basis to override on that sort of situation - but the norm seems to be parent required.

Our GP practice has a separate clinic for teens for FP and STDs etc - normal surgery, they expect an adult to be with them and it does have to be someone with PR, not only for consent reasons, but also because a parent could object that the DCs confidentiality has been breached even if the DC agreed to it A parent with PR has a right to their DCs medical history - a SP does not.

If a teen is arrested, subject to suspension at school, or admitted to A&E, the various agencies need to deal with someone who has the legal right to make decisions - if there is a risk to surgery that might save a limb, or sight, for instance, or whether or not to accept a police caution. Yes it's unlikely - but if it did happen, I know that as a SM, I would be incredibly frustrated if I wasn't permitted to speak up for my DSC even if there was no-one else - and in this case, with Dad out of the country and mum unaware - it could well fall to OP'er.

Sorry to bump this girls but it has happened AGAIN.... DP away in states this week and I told him Friday to make sure his oldest new that Tuesday he would need to stay at his mums as I have plans to go out till late, low and behold I get in from work tonight and DSS is here, when I ask why he said I told dad, well no one told me, any way in short DP says he didn't and that DSS said he had left some school books at ours and would call in to get, DSS says him and his dad hatched a plan to lie to his mum why he would be staying here despite DP being away and it's seems lie to me too so I have no choice in the matter..... I don't know who to believe I know it should be DP but DSS was pretty detailed. dP then text DSS saying u have to go back to your mums which ends in me looking like the bitch which is soo unfair as its not that he's not welcome but I had been clear, I'm having all DP kids tomorrow night p,us oldest DSS Thursday it was just Tuesday I couldn't. I'm not sure if I did the right thing my ended up calling DP ex cause I started to think if I didn't know he was coming did she and also I have now told her that as rule of thumb when DP is away DSS should stay in her care unless reasons mean he can't and it's pre-arranged, do you think that wrong?

If u don't want the responsiblility then no. How did she react to what u said?

It's not about not wanting the responsibility as I have his kids a lot willing but I do object to not being given the choice and it being forced on me despite having said upfront what I am and am not able to help out with..... His ex was fine, she knew he was staying but assumed I knew, she said she is happy to have him on days when DP is away but like me isn't given a say in it. I just feel ignored and slightly used, I would never orchestrate that my son land himself on DP unannounced knowing he was planning to be out expecting him to feed my son and do school run in the morning if he had already said he couldnt, if feel really let down

I think this reflects really badly on your partner. He is being very rude to just ignore your request to be consulted. He's being very rude to his ex as well by not allowing her the facts. I'd be pretty livid I think.

It reflects very badly on your DP. Tell him that it is nothing to do with not wanting him, you are quite happy, but it all has to open and above board and if he and DSS won't tell the truth -then you will. Don't budge from that position. If DP has a responsible enough job to take him to India, he can be responsible at home!

Chelen...Livid is the exact word, am even more mad this morning as DP didnt even bother to call last night knowing I was angry about all this and have his son in my care he should have. exoticfruits you are soo right, he is a bloody Vice president at work yet can not seem to be responsible at home, that or its just selfish as depsite knowing my feelings on it and i feel strongly because my ex once was going off on holiday some where remote in Thailand and had arranged for my son to be at various places on his days when away and wouldnt tell me where and with whom as claimed they were his days so was none of my business, i ended up getting lawyers involved in this so he knows i feel strongly about it and saw the upset this caused me. I think we need a VERY serious talk when he is back

If he is a Vice President of something he has no need to be running his home life as if he is a teenager!

Just to add as others have said - this is outrageous. The most important aspect is that it is increddibly irresponsible of your DH in terms of his son potentially having no adult with PR around when he needs them.
Another obviously irresponsible thing is encouraging the boy to lie to his Mum about where he is, your DH is an idiot if he thinks his son wont use this skill on his Dad too.
And last but not least - what about you!? Why should you be taking on the responsibility for this child/ teen? Baffling.