DP & DSS lying....

[Ray75]

Hi,
I have an issue where my DP has 3 children from his first marriage, his oldest who is 15 has for the last 18months chosen to be mostly at our house (he does alternate w/e at his Mums). The thing is my DP travels with his job and I have stated that when this happens I feel DSS should be with his Mother at these times as his responsible parent when his Dad is out the country, she only lives down the road and is happy to have him, it is also her preference that if his Dad is not there to be his carer it should be her. Well the problem I have and I guess I should be flattered is that DSS would still rather come to ours, now what I have said is if I am able to get him to school etc around my work commitments I am happy for him to do this so long as his Mum knows that his Dad will not be there and is also happy.
What actually happens is DSS lies to his Mum saying his Dad is there and my DP backs him up, leaving myself and him Mum in the dark (I have caught them out with it this week)
Now I am no fan of his Mums and there is plenty of things I most certainly dissagree on with her however this I feel strongly about, I would be gutted and furious if I found out my son was not in the care I thought he was. The fact his Dad will be in India so not even near by I think is just wrong, what if God forbid something happened and I had to take DSS to the Doctors or something, I would have no choice but to call his Mum and how sad for her to discover all was not what she thought.
I have talked to DP about this in the past and given my position, I feel now should I say that unless they are upfront about whats happening he can not come at all if his Dad is not there?
When I caught them out over the weekend about this weeks arrangments my DP gets all huffy and acts hurtful as if I am saying it cause I dont want DSS there, which hurts me as that is not the case but I do see it as a Mum and how I would feel, not to mention being pracitcal about the childs safety and welfare...HELP

I would be furious, furious, furious at the lying from DH, and encouragement to SS to lie.

As far as I'm concerned when there are two parents sharing parental responsbility, when one parent is not available, the children should be with the other. My SS doesn't visit me, he comes to see his father, therefore if his father is not there, he should be with his mother.

All of the above said, I have some sympathy with your SS. If he resides with you the vast majority of the time, might he be feeling a bit like he's being chucked out of his own home when his father is away?

I know if SS lived with us and saw his mother at weekends, I wouldn't then expect him to go to his mothers when his father was away. I would expect she do usual visitation.

And I think you were very fair to say you couldn't do the Tuesday yourself to prior arrangements and that should have been respected regardless.

Cheesand pickledOnion, your right it is hard as he has chosen to be at our house as his main home, however as you say he doesnt come to see me, as a teenager not really his dad either, its the Play station. I have like you tried to honour the days he would normally be with us in the week when his Dad has been away, i do the school runs you name it, however unfortunatley because of all the lying and general disrespect DSS has shown to me (by the way DP and I had it out and it is DSS who lied about this weeks arrangments) DP and I have agreed from now on when he is away DSS is at his Mums with no exception.
The story Im afraid got worse this week, 3 weeks ago wen DP told EXW he was going away she went mad about it saying she could not have the kids (there is 3) on his wednesday as she has booked and paid for a course in London and would loose her money, so muggins here offered which would include picking up from afterschool club (is not local to me) and then dropping 4 kids to 4 different schools in the morning. I then discover last night after picking them all up that her course was cancelled ages ago!!!(if there ever was one) and she had not had the curtesy to tell me or DP, so not only was she going to let me go through the stress of the morning school run (requires me to leave at 7.30am) but also allow me when having responsibility of all her kids to believe she was in London when she wasnt....was not amused. So in short I have shut shop on this baby sitting service and I will no longer be offering to help out with the step kids unless it is an absolute emergency as I can not do it under these conditions and lies (I have lost 5lbs this week from living on my nerves)

I'd blame him over his ex for the course thing. I'm afraid I admit to making things difficult for my ex when he changes days at the last minute he should have been more organised and not just assumed his ex or you would pick up the pieces.

I dont think 3 weeks notice is short notice Im afraid and how can DP be to blame for her not letting us know her course was cancelled this is pure games and in my eye irresponsible. If i had asked someone to have my son as i had a work commitment and then that work commitment changed, the first thing i would do is pick up the phone and un do the arrangments as Im now able to care for my son.
I can understand it must be hard if you have an ex who messes about alot but my DP has his kids 40% of the time he also pays a massive amount of maintenance to her for having a high profile job so i think now and again if he has to be away the answer is not her lying about her where abouts, you cant have your cake and eat it, if she wants him to be able to do wednesdays come rain or shine he will have to take a lower grade and pay job which impacts her income (this has been suggested and frowned on). All this has done is mean I wont offer which means she has cut her nose of to spite her face

Fair enough, I was just adding my experience, there are lots of variables. For example my ex doesnt pay me loads of maintenance soI don't benefit in any way from his career, the only person that benefits from that is him and as far as I'm concerned I allow him to have it because I have DD all but one night of the week so he can work late/ early yet I'm tied to 9-5.

My ex has DD 10 days out of 30 but the only week days that he has her are Wednesdays. I work all week in a stressful job and that Wednesday (particularly the one after I've had her for the weekeknd i.e. a whole week) is the only thing that keeps me sane - if my ex can't have our DD on a Weds he knows he has to find someone in his own support network to have her- not use me as a babysitter.

Three weeks is last minute IMO... my Weds are usually booked up about six weeks in advance because they are so precious.

That's just how I see it.

I know a lot of people disagree.

If my DH goes away then I have my DSD (always used to anyway, things have changed recently but it's a long story) he would rather have a favour off me than his ex. But i always had the choice, and his ex always knew what was happening.

I am completely in agreeance with you about the lying by the way.Completely disrespectful of you and your life. And completely dangerous in terms of the child not having a parent potentially in the country!

She wasn't asking him to have her son because of work commitments - he asked her to have their son because of his commitments and she said no because she already had plans.

I agree it is games and lies that she didn't tell him when he plans were cancelled but some people are like that - they don'thave the balls to just say no.

If my ex requests something like that I just say no. Unless he's exhasuted all other options of course - I'm not a complete bitch just don't appreciate being his immediate reaction "go-to" person when he's in a pickle, that's his wife's/ friend's/ mother's job.

He's 15! Surely he should be making his own arrangements with you, his father and his mum?

Hang on, hang on - are we talking over night on the Wednesday!? If not over night then absoultely! He should surely just be trudgging freely from house to house... My example was with an exhausting five year old

ray i wouldnt even approach dss or your dp..everytime your dp leaves the country i would personally go and tell his mum...

you both are being made fools out of by your dp and dss...if there was communication on this matter between the both of you this wouldnt be the case....phone her when dp is next due to go away

But but but but- surely dss should be able to go to his dad's house whenever he wants?

I've been projecting and thinking about my five year old and my 12 year old DSD. [slaps self]

Yes, the 15 year old should have a key to each house and come and go freely as he pleases. OP shouldn't be changing her plans for thd SC as he is old enough to do his own thing every now and then when this occurs, surely?

Now having slight palpitations at the thought of DSD (think, a very beauiful version of Vicky Pollard) coming and going as she pleases in a few years time

Ray, I don't blame you for putting your foot down now. That's just too much from all of them to put on you.

I can barely count the number of 'weddings' SS's mum went to in one year which meant we had to have SS when it's wasn't our day. Funnily enough, never once saw any wedding pics on FB.

I would tend to agree with WSM that your dp is responsible for childcare even when he is away (if it's during his allocated time).

I don't think it should however default to you unless you are in complete agreement and it's do'able (4 kids at different schools doesn't seem do'able).

I know the argument is that your dh has a demanding job but if he was single, what would be do? He would have negotiate with the ex or get alternative childcare. She is entitled to her days off and her time is as important as his.

I completely understand why you feel hacked off, you agreed to stand in ONLY if both parents couldn't make it. In the ex's mind you had agreed to the night, fullstop irrespective of what she was doing. I imagine your dp was just pleased he was able to get it resolved.

The core challenge seems to be that your dp has agreed 40% childcare however with a demanding job he can only meet the 40% if he has agreement from his ex (and you as backup). If ex won't always be flexible or willing and you find being a backup frustrating I think he needs a new solution. Au Pair?

I don't think that it has anything to do with the arrangements-it is the fact that DP is the Vice President of a company, a very responsible position, and yet he acts like a teenager at home by not simply telling the truth. If I was a step mother I would be quite happy to have step DCs when DP wasn't there-after all I would have my own relationship with them-but I wouldn't do it if we were lying to the mother.
My understanding is that it isn't having the DSS,it is the fact that they are being 'very economical' with the truth.

But nobody needs to lie because there is no childcare if he's 15. Or am I missing something?

Yes the entire problem is the fact that DP and DSS are lying-it is nothing to do with the actual care!

I can only speak for myself, but if my DP agreed with his and and DCs that either DSC could be here when he was away, I would expect to know about it, in advance.

Yes, a 15 year old doesn't need caring for in the same way as a 5 year old, but I still need to know whether to have food in for them, whether to cancel the girls-night-in I had planned and probably not use the facepack and hair dye that night.
I'll expect the same courtesy from my own DD when she gets to that age - she is welcome here anytime, but I would expect her to text/call if she changed her plans at the last minute and decided to spend the night here rather than at her dads

I can't understand the comments that a 15 year old doesn't need any care!!!! Aside of needing to be fed and as a minor has to have a responsible adult around. What about getting 2 and from school, we don't live in the same village as his school therefore saying he can come and go actually means he expects me to run him around which when unplanned and I have work commitments is not really on......
As has been said for the last 18months I have done this but I can't anymore, all the lies have meant I'm not comfortable with being responsible for DSS or the other kids because I can not trust what is going on and who is where should there be an emergency.
I totally appreciate that she probably looks forward to her Wednesday night hence why I have always helped out in the past however knowing how stressful the school run is, I feel she should have at best called and been honest about course being cancelled, if she had I would of told her any way go ahead I'm happy to have kids as was expecting to but perhaps she could do the morning school run, I appreciate all the responses, everyone of them as been useful :)

Gosh. Well, I have a 16 year old, and if she changes her plans and isn't staying out after all, she can just come home- why should she text me first? If she was staying out unexpectedly then obviously she would text, but not if she was coming home unexpectedly!

And if there's no food in then he can make himself beans on toast or something, can't he?

The lift to school is a different matter- he shouldn't assume you can/will do that obviously. No bus?

I feel sad for all these DCs being shipped from pillar to post and everyone jealously guarding their "days off"! My DH often has the DSs (his DSSs) when I am away for the odd night, or more often the after school period - he would never think of patching them off to Ex-H, he'd rather they were in the own home even if they drive him up the wall sometimes. I've suggested it before and he flat refuses! Also, I always gladly take back those days when Ex-h falls through with his contact, more time with the DCs for me!

Also Ray got a real story for you - a friend of mine married a man with 2 DDs and they opted to live with their Dad and Smum. Then, my friend and her husband divorced (he a raging alcoholic) and the SDDs stayed with my friend - cant imagine what their real mum thought!

People are still missing the point- which is that OP is being made to lie, against her wishes.

seeker you may be happy for your 16 yr old to be home alone overnight; I don't think I would be.

If my DD is out overnight, then it is quite possible that I am away too - but DD lives in two different homes and both her parents take responsibility for her, not just me - either her Dad or I are available on a pre-arranged schedule and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a teen to ask before they change their plans.

Well, she can legally have sex and get married and get a job- can't see why she couldn't spend the night at home on her own!