Anyone called it quits solely because of step child?

[FreckledLeopard]

So, probably have only myself to blame for the situation I'm in and certainly should have heeded others' advice. For a variety of reasons (mainly wanting to get married and have the 'picket fence' ideal) I pushed doubts aside, married DH and am now a step-mother to his son (I have a DD too who lives with us full time).

DH's son is 9. He's autistic and from my POV, a complete nightmare. He's with us 50% of the time. DD is 11 and is with me all the time.

Without going into a long tale of woe, I wondered if anyone here has disliked/hated their step-child so much that regardless of how much they love their other-half, they've called time on the relationship and walked away? Or has anyone stuck things out until step-child was old enough to leave home?

I've kept trying to hope that things would improve. That I could cope. But nothing has changed. Obviously DSS has driven a huge wedge between DH and I. This weekend in particular has really brought it home how unhappy I am with the situation. Part of me feels just too weak to end things and too insecure and isolated to start out with just DD and I again.

Guess I'd just like to know if there were others who've felt similarly or have ended their marriage owing to step-children?

I'll probably be flamed for my feelings. Am aware it's abhorrent to acknowledge such intense feelings against a special needs child. Have had counselling etc - just wish DSS didn't exist frankly and can't seem to get over this feeling.

Have you bern on any courses or read any books on autism? If you don't find anything out about it you have no hope of coping with it tbh.

Which behaviours are you struggling with and where in the spectrum is he? I would have thought 50% split difficult for many kids with ASD unless it's exactly the same days evey week (and if you have an anxious/stressed child with autism then you're onto a loser really).

I've read endless books, met mothers of ASD kids. DSS is highly intelligent - reads things on quantum mechanics etc. his behaviour is appalling though. Lots of stimming, flapping, shrieking. E.g. we'll be woken up at anytime between 5 and 7am by DSS coming into our room shouting (repetitively) 'Pythagorus' Theorem' or made up words 'dongerous', 'the cow
moos sharply' etc. At full volume. Over and over again.

He won't do as he's told - possible Pathological demand Avoidance syndrome. You ask him, for example, to put his shoes on. He looks away and replies 'wibble' and fails to comply.

He has a one-to-one at school - school wants the hours increased from mornings only to full time as they cannot cope with his behaviour in the classroom (throwing things, running around, shrieking, hiding under desks, hitting other children). He has no friends.

DH and DSS's mother won't acknowledge the problem. DH insists DSS isn't that affected by ASD. He takes pride in his son's intellect and ignores all the other issues (repeated soiling of underwear, behaviour, throwing food, putting face in his plate). Nothing gets done to tackle the problems.

From my perspective, I don't understand why DH or anyone would want to spend time with DSS. Or at least I wish DH would acknowledge that his son is very hard to love/like. I understand a parent loves their own child. But I am so drained and on edge whenever DSS is around. I just wish he could stay with his mother full time, or at least during the week. The current access agreement is ridiculous, impractical and stressful but DH refuses to talk about it or consider any other timetable.

I go from thinking I can stick things out to wanting to just cut my losses and get away.

That sounds v difficult indeed to cope with. I'm sure most parents would struggle, let alone when the child isn't you own. I think the fact that the child's parents aren't recognising the difficulties is making things even more difficult for you.

Tbh I think in your place I would be v likely to cut my losses and run. I can't bear it when dh ignores stuff that's so blatantly obvious, but compared to what you're dealing with its small stuff. Really wish you the best whatever you decide

Have you talked to your DH about how you're REALLY feeling? From your posts it sounds like you're bearing all this is silence, while being eaten up with resentment, anger, frustration, etc (all of which are understandable, btw).

I think you have to be 100% honest with your DH about this and tell him that you're so unhappy that you're thinking of leaving. If you have specific things that you believe should be being done to improve your DSS's behaviour, tell him. And if he still refuses to address the situation, while knowing that you're about to walk, then you have your answer.

his behaviour is appalling though. Lots of stimming, flapping, shrieking

You know that the stimming is quite likely due to stress in a situation?

Its not 'appalling' behavior, its normal for a child with ASD.

DH and DSS's mother won't acknowledge the problem. DH insists DSS isn't that affected by ASD. He takes pride in his son's intellect and ignores all the other issues (repeated soiling of underwear, behaviour, throwing food, putting face in his plate). Nothing gets done to tackle the problems

What do you think should be done about these 'problems'?

To an extent certain behaviors do have to be tolerated.

is this about your DSS or about the differences in opinion between you and DH on how your DSS should be parented?

Hmm it does sound very difficult. And it's really not fair on dss that his parents won't tackle his behaviour. (ds1 is severely autistic and whilst he of course has challenging behaviours he understands that certain behaviours are not acceptable - and whilst he can't always control himself - those behaviours are tackled iykwim, although he does still have a tendency to wake far too early).

Do you have a challenging behaviour team anywhere near you? Ones with ASD experience? Sometimes if you can get someone in to work with the family those unhelpful patterns from parents can be unpicked and better behaviour can result- unfortunately there aren't that many in the country. It's easier for someone from outside to come in observe and identify where it's going wrong - and easier to parent to accept from a stranger than someone close tk them iyswim.

Without DH onside i can see it will be very difficult (and likely to get worse as he gets older unless someone takes responsibility for managing his behaviour tbh).

I do agree with Amber at stimming and flapping aren't really problem behaviours as such - although if they're making him stressed they are a warning sign that things aren't right for him.

DH is aware of how I feel. We've had counselling with a relationship therapist. I've explained that I need DH to be proactive, on top of everything, managing DSS to the best of his ability. I want DH to get up when DSS gets up (not stay in bed and allow DDS to wake entire household). I want DSS to have intensive ABA therapy, go to a specialist school, have very rigid routines, rules and boundaries enforced by DH. I'd like to cut out gluten and casein from DSS's diet and see if it helps. I'd like DH to go to classes on ASD parenting. He won't.

AmberLeaf - it's a combination of DH's approach to DSS as well as DSS himself. I don't want to come down in the morning to find DSS climbing on the bannisters or throwing laundry over the staircase whilst repeating 'oooona' over and over again. I don't want DSS lecturing my DD if she sniffs occasionally when she has a cold, telling her it's not polite, when he sniffs, spits, soils himself and won't use a knife and fork.

With things like refusing to do as told can you try asking him without using a directive - ime a lot of kids with ASD respond badly to directives so 'once you've got your shoes on we can go out' rather than 'put your shoes on'.

Hmm I'm not sure about intensive ABA for a very high functioning child tbh (although of course use an understanding of reinforcement). And specialist schools can be very hard to find when a child is high functioning (although more likely with CB's).

Have you looked at RDI - that can work well with HFA/AS

Not here to flame. You have my complete and utter sympathy. My DP has 2 girls, neither have SNs and I often think I've bitten off more than i can chew your situation is really really tough.
Not usually one to give advice but is there anywhere you could seek professional help (with your DP)?

I want DSS to have intensive ABA therapy, go to a specialist school, have very rigid routines, rules and boundaries enforced by DH. I'd like to cut out gluten and casein from DSS's diet and see if it helps. I'd like DH to go to classes on ASD parenting. He won't

Thats a lot of wants TBH and not all are realistic!

AmberLeaf - it's a combination of DH's approach to DSS as well as DSS himself. I don't want to come down in the morning to find DSS climbing on the bannisters or throwing laundry over the staircase whilst repeating 'oooona' over and over again. I don't want DSS lecturing my DD if she sniffs occasionally when she has a cold, telling her it's not polite, when he sniffs, spits, soils himself and won't use a knife and fork

Lots of things id rather my son with ASD didnt do too but TBH when you have a child with SN some of it goes with the territory!

You are clearly finding it very difficult, I think the DH side of things can be worked on, the DSS side not so much. hes not going to get better and some things will get harder. if your DH was as pro active as you'd like him to be, do you think that would change how you feel towards your DSS? also bare in mind that your DH could try all that you suggest and it wont make any difference at all.

OP - you have my sympathy; being a step parent is hard, being a parent of an SN child is hard and you are both!

Whether or not your DSS behaviour (soiling etc) is 'normal' doesn't make it easier to live with, and your DPs refusal to acknowledge the impact of his DS behaviour on you, your family and your relationship is disrespectful IMO
I would totally understand why you would end a relationship with a man who disregards your feelings in this way

Whether or not your DSS behaviour (soiling etc) is 'normal' doesn't make it easier to live with, and your DPs refusal to acknowledge the impact of his DS behaviour on you, your family and your relationship is disrespectful IMO

Yes, I agree. I realise you probably don't want to give up on this relationship and perhaps dread family and friends saying (or thinking) 'I told you so', but would that be worse than continuing as you are? Could you cope financially? And if not, what can you do to change that?

I don't think anyone would blame you for cutting your losses.

You have my complete sympathy as it sounds so difficult - I'm sure you have given lots of thought to this and have insight on strategies for coping and dealing with autism.

Very recently we have determined that DSS might be autistic, certainly HF, but it's also likely that DH has Aspergers, which is why I struggle with getting support from him. Could this be similar for you? I just mention it as there is often a genetic link.

At times I find the weekends with DSS so draining and I know I need to disappear, is this possible for you and your DD? DH & I are considering putting together a rota where we limit the time we spend all together with DSS. It's isn't the dream and certainly not how I felt being a step parent would be but it might be the reality for us. I support DH spending time with his son, that has always been important to me but DH & I can't survive in a relationship if we don't have strategies for rebuilding our energies. Can you work out what actually helps you to cope, if anything?
SN places major stresses on relationships but within a step family the stress is greater as the ability to influence the situation is limited. I think Step families with SN needs a support group as the issues faced are not similar to SN within the nuclear family.

Thank you so much for not flaming. I really don't know what to do for the best. At the moment it's like DD and I live our lives separately to DH and DSS. We can't do anything as a family owing to DSS's behaviour (no cinema, theatre, ice skating, family holidays, bowling, eating out). I endeavour to spend as little time with DSS as possible and try and plan to get out of house etc at weekends with DD (see friends, stay at my mum's etc).

I should be able to plan more for the future in June, when I'll know more about career stuff and finances. I just get so depressed about the situation and worried about the future. I just wish DSS could live with his mother. Irony is of course that if I did walk away from marriage, DSS would likely gave to live with his mother anyway, owing to DH's job and lack of people willing to look after DSS.

I know that if anyone felt towards my DD how I feel towards DSS I wouldn't want to be with them. Is it possible to somehow learn to like a step child? Is it possible to go through life ignoring step child as much as possible in order to stay married?

Has anyone decided that their dislike of their step-children meant that they had to leave the relationship? Anyone?

Smum99 ? I think Step families with SN needs a support group as the issues faced are not similar to SN within the nuclear family. Has to be the most superb idea I have heard in a long time. I am a SM to a DSD aged 13 with sn (ADHD/ASD) who lives with us 24/7 and it is a VERY LONELY place to be at times.

Every family with a child with sn has problems I understand that, but to add in the complications of a step family too makes it very very complex. There are all the issues of the child not being yours and yet you try your best for them, a BP can say how they feel and that they are struggling but a SM has the added stereo typicalness that she has an ulterior motive. I know for sure the child I am bringing up is different than the child I met and her problems have a much bigger impact on us all than I ever expected, the set up now she doesn?t see her BM is also different to the family set up I expected and the lives of ALL the family members are affected.

A SM is trying to balance her own children?s needs, with the needs of her DSC, trying to keep everyone happy and somewhere at the bottom of the pile is herself. I dearly love my DH but had I known what I now know would I have done the same again?...honestly, No. The difference being I did and I do know him and so want to be with him. Had I ?cruised on? I wouldn?t have known him so couldn?t miss what I do have with him.

I guess with a birth child that ?bond? and ?maternal? feeling helps you to deal with sn problems. With a sc you often feel you get all the hard work and yet it is for a child that is not yours. Having other people you could talk to, and them understand you would be brilliant. I went to see a Counsellor about my problems with DSD, her reply (after 5 mins) ?Well, she has her own Parents so isn?t your problem, let them deal with her? !!!!!!!!!!!! Very helpful....NOT.....DSD lives with us, her Mum has major issues and DSD needs alot of support and input on a daily basis when her Dad is at work. What do they expect me to do...........leave her to fend for herself, let her upset all the other DC and just ?wait til her Father comes home????

OP ? I really do feel immense sympathy for you. I do feel alot of the problem lies with your DH. Unless you can be a joint front I really don?t see how you can get through this. He does have to understand and accept that his DC is having this effect on the family. My DH used to let me get up in the morning and do all the childcare etc and I ended up distraught before we left the house to school, DSD would cause chaos, upset everyone and then be hopping and smiling to school. DH and I had to agree either there had to be changes or we prob wouldn?t survive of as a family. I still have to nag him at times to pitch in more to help DSD and his answer is always ?You only have to ask? but he is now getting told I shouldn?t have to ask, you have to step in more.

I think you really do need to have a heart to heart with DH and be honest and see if you can save your marriage. In answer to your last post... I have learnt to live with my DSD, most days its ok, there are still days I could run a mile and not look back!!! I will prob get flamed for this but for now certainly I wouldn?t try to like DSS, I would try to tolerate him, do whats needed in a physical way to care for him but other than that give yourself a break. I have days my DSD really really gets on my wick, I know all the ?she is autistic, she has problems, you are expecting too much etc etc? but to me yes she does but sometimes its fine to actually think ? I don?t like this, I don?t like this life and right now I don?t like this child?

I admire any Step Mother bringing up a SC with sn. It is a very hard task and there should be more support for us. Good luck.

I think it is fairly typical to split roles when you have a child with significant needs. It's very rare that dh and I take the kids out en masse, more often I take ds1 out and he takes ds2 and ds3 out. We've never been to the cinema as a family and we don't eat out - although we do take ds2 and ds3 separately, or when ds1 is at respite. I think that's fairly typical for autism tbh.

I do know that if anything happened to dh (or dh and I split up) there is no way I'd have a serious relationship with another man - definitely not while I was caring for ds1 at home as I can't imagine trying to balance his needs with coping with a partner's needs. Unless they were absolutely besotted with ds1 (and I do meet the occasional person who adores him) then I wouldn't even go there as I don't think it could work.

Sorry that sounds negative, but I can't see how it can work really if you can't handle the autism. I don't mean that critically - honestly, I don't expect people to be able to cope with ds1 particularly (am always very pleasantly surprised when people do), and I'm not sure it's something that can be taught/worked on as such.

It does sound particularly difficult if your dh isn't recognising that the autism is a problem for you (focussing on intelligence etc rather than the behaviours you're struggling with).

All I ever get from DH is 'you don't accept my son'. Not helpful. He won't listen to suggestions, read books I suggest, look at ways to tackle things. So I don't bother anymore and endeavour to tolerate stuff day to day, wishing I would win the lottery and get DD and I away from this.

I am a twat though. I should never have gone into this relationship, let alone marriage. I just wanted a nice family, a father figure for DD and a 'normal' life.

Bottom line really isn't going to change, no matter how much analysis - I don't want to be around DSS. Whether I have the balls to do anything about my situation is another question however - the thought of divorce, moving, the upheaval for DD and the failure of a marriage is just too much to contemplate right now. Guess I just have to through each day and try and make plans somehow. Maybe I should start a support thread on those planning to leave their relationships but taking their time in doing so...

Is your dh not bothered by his son's behaviour? I have to admit pretty much everything you have mentioned is pretty normal (imo) for autism, and a lot of it I would see as not necessarily worth tackling, but repetitive phrases usually drive people insane even if they're almost impossible to stop. And I'd want to try and tackle things like food throwing. Does your dh not get irritated by any of the behavours (just trying to wrk out whether he isn't doing much as he isn't affected by the behaviour, or whether he just cba/is at a total loss). How does he respond to that sort of thing?

I mean could you live with the repetitive phrases (which will be really hard to stop) if dh made an attempt to deal with things like food throwing? Or has it gone past that stage now?

Considering in detail everything you have posted. I would not continue the relationship. I would give up.

have been pondering as I loaded the dishwasher? How long have you known his son (from what age?). I know that we're very used to autism in this house, so behaviours that would be a huge problem in an NT house are pretty much ignored here (Charlotte Moore writes quite amusingly about this in her book).

A lot of the behaviours you mention - even with someone totally on top of behaviour and doing everything autism therapies 24 hours a day would be unlikely to stop - made up words, repeated phrases, early waking, shrieking - for example - all are likely to continue in some form or another however full on they are tackled. Soiling - hmm possibly, depends on the reason for it, but it wouldn't be unusual for it to be a long term issue and can be very difficult to tackle. Food throwing, using cutlery, sticking face plate, dirty washing throwing and bannister climbing could probably be tackled successfully (although other behaviours might appear - even if tackled, so you might want to pick your battles if you know what I mean, climbing up to lean against very dodgy thin windows replaced out bannister climbing). So I suppose I'm saying are the ones that can be tackled the most difficult for you, or is it just autism 24/7 that's hard? If it's specific behaviours then you have a chance, if it's autism then I don't think there's much you can do tbh. I do see it as a good thing that his father has wanted 50% contact - many men do just walk away when it's tricky - he's obviously quite loyal (although I understand you're doing a lot of the day to day dealing with it).