Anyone called it quits solely because of step child?

[FreckledLeopard]

So, probably have only myself to blame for the situation I'm in and certainly should have heeded others' advice. For a variety of reasons (mainly wanting to get married and have the 'picket fence' ideal) I pushed doubts aside, married DH and am now a step-mother to his son (I have a DD too who lives with us full time).

DH's son is 9. He's autistic and from my POV, a complete nightmare. He's with us 50% of the time. DD is 11 and is with me all the time.

Without going into a long tale of woe, I wondered if anyone here has disliked/hated their step-child so much that regardless of how much they love their other-half, they've called time on the relationship and walked away? Or has anyone stuck things out until step-child was old enough to leave home?

I've kept trying to hope that things would improve. That I could cope. But nothing has changed. Obviously DSS has driven a huge wedge between DH and I. This weekend in particular has really brought it home how unhappy I am with the situation. Part of me feels just too weak to end things and too insecure and isolated to start out with just DD and I again.

Guess I'd just like to know if there were others who've felt similarly or have ended their marriage owing to step-children?

I'll probably be flamed for my feelings. Am aware it's abhorrent to acknowledge such intense feelings against a special needs child. Have had counselling etc - just wish DSS didn't exist frankly and can't seem to get over this feeling.

While I understand that these behaviours may never improve, it does sound as if the OP is being expected to 'parent' her DSS - while her DH is absent for instance? I can understand the OPs desire for her DSS to have less contact with his dad if parenting falls to her, not her DH

Involved Dads are all very well but it doesn't sound as if Dad is actually fulfilling his 50% role in this case - the OP says that if she left the family, the amount of contact would reduce due to her DH commitments

I'm sure it would be a lot easier for the OP to deal with being woken early if her DH got up and dealt with DSS, or her DSS soiling himself if his dad was responsible for clearing up.

There are plenty of stepmums who grow to resent the expectation that they will be primary carer for their DSC - without the added pressure of SN

I cant believe you married the guy. I remember your posts from last year when you complained bitterly that your dp and his ex refused to acknowledge the extent of their son's difficulties. You said you had uprooted your daughter to move in with this guy and she in effect became a prisoner in her own room as she was unable to deal with the son.

You were told last year that you were better off getting out, protecting your daughter and calling it quits as your dp was never going to acknowledge what needed to be done, your daughter was suffering and you were spending more and more time at work to avoid the boy.

Why on earth have you now gone ahead and married him.

I agree with NotADisneyMum above - a major problem here surely is that the OP's husband seems to be slacking. Did you say he doesn't have a job, OP? Do you feel as a result that he is doing way less than his fair share? Certainly it sounds as if he should get up with DSS in the mornings, for instance.

If you have tried counselling and it doesn't work, then it does seem as if threatening to go (and maybe actually going) is the only thing likely to bring this decisively to a head. What kind of terms are you on, and is your DH on, with your DSS's mother? Would she resist having him for more of the time?

Your problem isn't your stepson though, it's your idiot of a DH.

Won't do routine/won't go to parenting classes for children with Autism/pretends that his son is fine because his intellect is good - that's the behaviour I couldn't live with, someone not fully engaged in the social issues.

A lot of the things you talk about are good things to try - It's daft your dh won't at least consider them, it seems that when he hears you talk about them he just hears 'you don't like my son'.

Maybe it's easier for your dh because he loves him so much? He's been around him longer than you, his tolerance level is higher? These are NOT criticisms of you in any way - I couldn't live like you do and I've fostered children occasionally with very complex needs.

The difference is I've been fully engaged with the issues at hand, I have more emotional distance as the child isn't mind, I am trying to do the best for the child rather than the adults around him/her, I give myself a break when I need it rather than criticise myself for needing one.

Trifle - why did I marry him? As I outlined earlier I wanted the 'picket fence' - I wanted to get married, I wanted the nice house, the image of a 'normal' family. Yes, I'm aware they're not great reasons for getting married. Additionally, though, before wedding, having gone through this issue for so long, DH had said, when I was discussing plans for the future, places to live etc, that we would move out of London, and that DSS would only come at weekends. I discussed my fears of being stuck to living in one place, in close proximity to DSS's mother, forever. I was assured he didn't want that either. So, based on the fact that the plan was to buy a house about now, I figured I could tolerate DDS until that point.

After wedding DH did a u-turn, refused to move, refused to discuss changing contact. So now I'm back where I was with no easy way out.

Counselling's not changed anything frankly. DH won't adjust. I've tried to take a back seat as much as possible (all DSS's laundry in his room - I won't wash it). But overall I realise this is not going to be a viable marriage with DSS with us for 50% of the time. Can't currently leave though, until the summer. And am weak - and embarrassed of the failure.

Well that's why I'm trying to get to the bottom of why the DH is slacking. A lot of the behaviours the op mentions I wouldn't do anything about (flapping for example - why would you want to stop flapping?, stimming - only if it's sending ds1 loopy, repetitive phrases - very very difficult to do anything about). I am VERY hot on behaviours with my son - because IMO challenging behaviours have the potential to limit his life more than his disabilities - but there are lots on the OP's list that I wouldn't tackle either because they're just autism and will always be there or because they're not that important in the grand scheme of things. I think behaviours such as stimming can be managed but their existence or not depends on the child's development.

I think the OP really needs to ask herself whether she can live with ASD behaviours at all- because even will full on strict management at least 50% of the ones she's mentioned will still be there. And the others will need constant management which in itself is bloody hard work (or they'll be sorted and something else will come in their place). If there's am idea that with 'proper' intervention from his father they would disappear then that's unrealistic. I'm saying that even if his father parents in the way she wants then those behaviours will still exist. Even if being worked on they'll still exist in some form.

I would say look into respite but I don't think there'll be much as the father only has him 50% of the time anyway (so the rest of the week is the break) but you might be able to get done help 'enabling' him to access the community (which will amount to the same thing) and it might be worth asking SS about that. They're hot on enabling at the moment and usually keen to support it - there are usually quite a few schemes for those who are higher functioning.

For the sake of your daughter, I wouldn't continue with this. If you feel trapped by your DHs lack of acknowledgement re. DSS's needs, how must she feel? It is difficult to be the sibling of an ASD child too and she is probably having a harder time than you because she didn't fall in love and choose this! You aren't going to be able to improve any of your lives without DH's support and it doesn't look like your going to get it.

Actually have you thought why did DH marry you? Was it love? Or wanting someone to take care of DSS? Fear of having to care for him alone?

Believe me no father can be much better than any father for your DD.

Hi OP, I have nothing to add on the autistic aspect of the issues you are facing, except that it is clear your husband is using his sons intelligence to 'hide away' from the 'less positive' aspects of DSS's behaviour. And frankly? It is not your exclusive job to do loads of research into ways to better DSS's life/behaviours etc, if his own bloody father can't be arsed to try and aknowledge ways to make his son/wife/DSD's lives easier It says a lot that you have bothered to look into the dietary stuff, ways of helping DSS manage behaviours etc so you obviously care.

But essentially I think you know what you want/need to do. Which is leave. It doesn't mean you have failed, sounds like you have spent a long time debating the whole issue internally, you are an adult with your own needs, and those of your daughter to think about. It is not fair of you to feel guilty because DSS is autistic, it is the lack of support from your H which is the crunch point here.

I am coming to terms with a 'slow-motion relationship split' myself, and the piece of advice I am (eventually!lol) getting to is this; there is no rush, if you have ownership of the situation and can think "I am CHOOSING to stay here for now, despite the crappy aspects mounting up, because it is not always healthy to rush into things"

I have my own exit strategy forming, but for other reasons am not going to push it forward, so we are co-habiting and I am setting a time limit on sorting things (finances etc) before taking the next step. Why not break a divorce up into manageable chunks if that helps lower your stress? Yes it would drag on longer, but for the short term you keep control, and can come to a conclusion without worrying you have done the wrong thing. And carry on keeping yourself and DD busy, let your husband do the day-to day worrying about DSS. Work on practical ways to set up alone, stay positive. It's an unfortunate situation, but you have given it a good shot, eg. knowing ages ago it wasn't right but still giving it a try. that takes strength. It also takes strength to redirect your focus back to you, you deserve it too. Sounds like your H doesnt see this?

The 'slow controlled exit' way of thinking means you still have an exit in sight, but puts positive control of the situation in your hands. It will get better, you deserve to be happy, so does DD, and DSS needs his father to step up and give him practical support.

First off I can fully understand how difficult it is with an Autistic child as I have one and I can also understand how difficult it is to be a step parent as I am one.

There are a few places where you have a point - your DH should get up with your DSS if he needs supervision in the mornings as that is part and parcel of parenting an ASD child - but to be honest, you could have it much worse as they could only be sleeping for 3 hours a night and you are also right that there are ways of managing behaviour - however you seem to have some unrealistic expectations.

My DS jumps about, makes noises, has echolalia, has rigid expectations, can have meltdowns and the rest and for an ASD child that is normal behaviour and usually gets worse in stressful situations. I am sure that if someone came into my house and saw DS in the evenings or on a bad day they would wonder why the hell I was letting him "get away" with his behaviour, when actually I'd be picking my battles, accepting his stimming as his way of coping and then guiding him through the day.

Your DSS will not have any insight into how his behavior affects you, but he will be able to sense that something is not right and the more discomfort you feel the worse his behaviour is likely to be around you.

My thoughts is that you should leave. Your DSS isn't going to change - ASD is a life long disability and while people with HFA can learn to adapt as they get older, its never going to go away. By your own admission you knew about the problems before you got married, but went ahead anyway because you thought you wouldn't have to deal with his son too much and if that is a deal breaker then that is a deal breaker.

Strikes me, OP, that both you and your husband smoothed over a lot of things before marriage, imagining in each case that they would change in the way you wanted afterwards (in your case: less contact with DSS, move out of London; in your husband's: you would come round to staying put and doing things his way). Sounds like it's a pattern that is going to be difficult to break.

I asked earlier what kind of terms you (and your husband) were on with your DSS's mother. Also how is your daughter feeling in all this and how does she get on with her stepfather and stepbrother?

Also, just to add, it's now pretty clear that whatever happens, this is not about you leaving 'solely' because of stepchild. Your husband is a key part of this too.

Yes - I know I should leave. Keep hoping DH would realise things would be so much easier for everyone if DSS was at his mum's during the week and us at weekends. I could cope, he could cope, his mother would be happy and he wouldn't be being shuttled across London to different houses all the time.

However, it's not going to happen. DH won't consider it. Even if he realises that in theory he'd have DSS only at weekends if we did split owing to practicalities. It's ironic really.

OneBakedBean - glad I'm not the only one biding my time. There is really nothing I can do right now. I should have a lot more options by the summer. I am just kicking myself that I didn't call time on things right at the start. But I really, really, wanted the relationship to work.

I agree with babyheave. I have a severely disabled child myself but I do understand it must be incredibly presumptuous to assume you would take on the caring role whilst your dh is at work. Have you spoken to the boys mother about it?

EightiesChick - massive animosity between DH and his ex. Two year custody battle for DSS. I have no relationship whatsoever with her.

As regards DD, I don't know what to do for the best. She and DSS fight a lot - she doesn't like him but tolerates him far better than I do. She and DH used to get on really well, though things aren't great at the moment as she's hitting puberty. Also, given that it was just DD and I for eight years, she still is jealous that DH came along and made her share me.

But, DD is happy where we are. She has good friends, likes the area and her secondary school is sorted for September. So at least those things are in place. Main thing would be sorting out housing but hopefully that can be done over the summer.

I like the small-steps plan - I cannot face the entire upheaval in one go.

Just to clarify - both DH and I work full time. DH takes DSS to school. Our au pair collects him. DH is home around 7pm. I'm normally home by 9pm (or later - I work silly hours).

Cannot discuss anything with DSS's mother.

What time does he go to bed? Whilst I think working on extending sleeping time is a bit of a lost cause with autism you can certainly work on 'now you stay in your room' time (which can take some doing but is certainly doable). Especially for bedtime (easier than preventing getting up ime). If you're home at 9pm you'll hardly see him???

Is it even feasible for his mother to have him all the time?

He's ok going to bed (normally - occasionally won't be able to go to sleep and will get very worked up). He's normally in his room reading by 9pm. Mornings are the problem. Depending on various factors, he will normally be awake by 6am. From time to time, he goes through phases of waking at 2/3am and getting in a state that he can't go back to sleep.

Re: his mother. Yes, totally feasible. But no way will DH consider it.

DH and I have been rowing all weekend anyhow and now silence between us (helped by the fact I have tonsillitis and have lost my voice). So will just hang out at work for a few more hours and avoid going home (though want to see DD). Just have to not panic at the situation.

Tbh you're unlikely to be able to do anything about the early waking - that's classic autism really and every strategy you throw at it isn't likely to do anything. If that's the biggest problem and make or break for you then I don't see there's much you can do really. I do think it's unfair to insist that your SS reduces his time with you, however hard it is he is your dh's son - although of course your husband should have made it clear that his son would be living with you 50% of the time before you married so you could have made the best decision.

Saintly - you're totally correct. I know deep down that DSS is the problem for me. I suppose if DH had tried every strategy and followed through, and made an effort, and acknowledged the issues more then it might be easier, but even if he did these things it wouldn't miraculously make me like DSS.

I can rationalise and endeavour to be objective until I'm blue in the face. DSS is nine with SN and is shuttled between two houses. I am an adult, should be sympathetic and act like a grown up. I just don't want to be around him though. I'm constantly on edge when he's around - is he going to throw something at me, scream at me, break something? Has he soiled himself? Is he covered in shit? Is he going to speak normally or repeat made-up phrases? Will he eat dinner or put his face in it? Will he sit quietly or kick DD? I am so anxious around him - I can never relax. And I feel so damn resentful towards DH for wanting to be around his son.

I think that's the problem freckled. Ime (and believe me I don't mean this unkindly) there are people who can cope with autism and people who can't. You do sound like someone who can't and I think it's very difficult to magic that ability out of somewhere. Training etc doesn't really produce it (this is from years of employing people to work in our family with ds1). Ds1 is marmite, he has people who adore him (luckily pretty much anyone who has worked in the SLD field ab's enjoys it) and people who cannot handle him or cope with him at all (50% of the mainstream world).

Whilst I do sympathise with your wish for DH to engage in more strategies the problem is it's bloody hard work employing strategies and there's really no point for quite a few of the things you mention finding difficult. Made up phrases are really no big deal (unless they're obscene) and screaming/shrieking etc is just part of day to day life. Yes I'd come down pretty hard on throwing things, and screaming aggressively but shrieking etc is probably just impulsive. other things like waking early or in the middle of the night are to do with the biology of autism and while you might be able o teach your SS to stay in his room chances are he'll still be noisy. Does he wake your dd? I find ds2 and ds3 never wake from ds1's antics even when he's shrieking right outside their room at 3am (but then I guess they've grown up with him).

Why's he putting his face in his dinner btw? Seeking a reaction/thinks it's funny/trying to wind you up. That sort of thing isn't usually too hard to tackle - although you may have to tackle it repeatedly - for far longer than you would with an NT child.

I can't see how you can stay in this marriage unless you can find a way to cope ith his behaviour tbh. Getting DH on board using strategies is not going to solve many of these behaviours. and even if he moves to his mothers for longer periods of time he's still going to be a big part of your life.

I do know a stepfather who initially struggled big time with his HFA SS btw - but mainly before dx - once he had an explanation he found it a lot easier. He also fought for specialist provision which helped as his anxieties were reduced. And think the mother has full custody so they have him 100% of the time which might actually be easier in some ways.