I`d appreciate advice!! Being accused of saying silly things by SD-What do i do??

[Jodie33]

Hi all,
I would like, if poss, for anyone to give me an answer to this as i feel i am stuck between a rock and a hard place!!

My 5yr old SD has started accusing me of saying silly things to her. i.e calling her "STUPID". (which, by the way isnt something i say. To my own son it would be stop being silly!)
She tells her dad and he obviously believes her straight away. Without even asking me if this has actually happened.
1 of the times she tells her dad i said it, HE was 2ft away from me! I asked him did you hear me speak? he answered "no. i didnt hear anything. But you could have whispered it or silently lipped it to her!"
Why would i? Im not that petty. If i want to say something it would be said for all to hear or at least the person im speaking to.
This has caused a MASSIVE ruc between me and my OH. I cannot bear being accused of something i havent done.
She is clever for her 5yrs. she knows how to play her dad twist him round her little finger. And i fear she is doing this to cause a problem between us so she can then go tell her mum we are arguing and she dosent like it! (which has happened!).

Ive protested my innocence but it falls on deaf ears. Should i just let it be? And leave it alone? What do i do/say/or how do i be, with SD going forward because i dont want to be put in this situation again. I dont want to fall out with my OH over her but he feels he is piggy in the middle not knowing who to believe. I guess im just hurt she has said this about me, and hurt OH hasnt any trust in me regarding his daughter.

Sorry to rant...dont know what to do? Am i over reacting??

lol i know it sounds stupid.... to me reading back this thread i think i sound 5yrs old!!
Yes my son lives here full time and she comes for 50% of the wk each wk.

No she doesnt get much time 1 to 1 with her dad. He is often at his mums as she babysits SD while hes at work. and the weekends my OH likes for us t do things together As a family. Which sometimes dosent always work out as she very much seeks her dads attention! constantly! I think she may even have seperation anxiety. As he cannot walk into another room without her shouting after a few seconds for him to come back. Right Now! (as she puts it!!)

I suggested, last night, that on our wknds together we have a day with our own kid. And then the other day together as a family. But he see`s this as a failing. Its not being together. Not how it should be. And not the perfect family setting. .... But for me it would be a little break, some space. And for her some time alone with her dad.

He eventually agreed to that. but isnt happy about it. ! Said it we can try it.

Surely he knows a woman/mother/grown person would not mouth things like that!? im not childish..... i think after making him actually think about it... it had gone so far and so much had been said (male pride n all that) He didnt want to say... that he thought i was right why would i do it. Im not the child seeking your attention.

Hmmmmmmmmm.....

If your OH won't trust what you're saying and suspects you of whispering nasty things to his DD I think you've got a serious problem. The problem is not really with dsd tling fibs but with him not believing you and thinking you'd be that nasty :(

It isn't failing at all. It sounds like she is jealous and needs some time on her own with her dad.
My SD used to be surgically attached to DPs neck when we first met. We used to have to sneak a quick kiss when she wasn't looking - it felt like I was having an affair with him behind her back.
I could see that she was jealous and insisted that he spend Saturdays on his own with his dc, even if they just watch films together it's nice for us all to have some time out. Also my dc are never around much on Saturdays so it gives me chance to do my own thing too
I also made it clear that I am his partner and she is his dd and we will sit next to each other and have uninterrupted conversations and may at times even hug or kiss but it doesn't mean he doesn't love her any less!!

Oh and I think he does know you wouldn't do this to her but he doesn't dare to disagree with her as that will cause a bigger problem. Agree that he shouldn't accuse you though.

I think spending as little time with her as possible is the best idea, but my God if she is like this at 5 Lord help everyone as she gets older

Blimey. As the others have said, it isn't really the child you have the biggest problem with - it's her dad. While she continues to fib, and he refuses to believe who's telling the truth, this issue is only going to get more serious because she'll very soon suss out that daddy dearest can be manipulated (even if at that age she doesn't properly understand the psychology behind it).

There's NO WAY that he should be doubting you. You're his adult partner and his supposed equal. If he truly "doesn't know who to believe" - ergo he's suggesting that you are capable of being mean and spiteful to a primary aged child, then what the hell is he still doing with you ?!! Imagine you actually heard him saying similarly nasty stuff to your son ... well, you wouldn't stand for it would you and most parents would read you the riot act, maybe give you one last chance, or, many would kick you into touch straight away. Surprsie, surprise, he's not done this has he .... which indicates that he knows bloody well what the truth of the matter is but would prefer to upset you and leave both himself, and you, wide open to being manipulated from here on in. If this carries on, your relationship and your family will be in very serious trouble as you'll have a young child calling all the shots.

Obviously, he should be nipping this in the bud. The idea of 1 to 1 time is a good one, and would have been anyway regardless of this, but you clearly can't avoid each other forever. I think you need to call him on this ...... tell him that either he trusts you or he doesn't. Ask him if he really thinks you'd bully a young child - and that needs a yes or no answer, not some sitting on the fence "don't know". Until HE actually has proof that you'd do something like this - which he'll never have of course - he needs to present a united front with you so far as the children are concerned. It's totally unacceptable to cast you in the role of a kid as if he were dealing with two 5 year olds bickering and telling tales on each other, and it's very very disloyal to do so in front of the actual 5 year old because he's completely diminishing your position in the household as the adult female. Stupid, pathetic man. Does he want to raise a brat ? .... which is how this could end up. All he should have done was calmly and firmly reiterate to SD that you wouldn't do anything like that and she shouldn't tell fibs because it's not a nice thing to do and can get people into trouble. Jeez - what's so difficult about that ?

I agree with purple if your DH respects you so little that he believes you would do this, then you clearly are not suitable to be around his DD and you should make yourself as scarce as possible during her visits.

If, as you have suggested, your DSD is following her mums agenda, then your DH is making a clear statement to both DSD and her mum that his exW is the primary woman in his life, not you. You can expect your DSD disrespect to get worse unless it is made clear to her that you hold that position in her dads life.

I agree with Purple too
If you can't rely on your dh to believe you then I think your r'ship has masses of problems

wow... thankyou for your responses. Some of them really hit home catsmother

I have brought it up again tonight but to his annoyance! but im so upset by it. It may only be 1 word accused of saying twice but im so hurt by it.! Ive done nowt but cry for the last 3 days n i dont do crying !! FFS!!

Anyway he says he does trust me. That he doesnt think i would hurt her or be nasty to her, He believes me when i talk and tell him stuff. That he knows i am not a spiteful twisted person. He knows i have never lied to him. That i am a honest person but.........

on this 1 issue he doesnt know what went off. (even tho he was only 2ft away and didnt hear anything ! cos nowt was said!!) He said he isnt going to ignore it because its his daughter telling him. And he will believe her when she tells him something.

He, apparently, wont accuse me if it occurs again. He will ask and believe what i say. (maybe i think??) He is going to speak to his DD when he has her next and i`ve asked that we talk to her together to show a united front. That she cant be telling these fibs anymore/again.

well.... see what happens.... feelin sad. And sorry for myself!! I hope nothing else comes of this.

For my own sanity.

No, his reaction is wrong, when a child lies you tell them that it sn't pleasant and they mustn't do it. You don't go along with it..... he's building up problems for the future.

Maybe he needs to look for what his DD is really trying to say to him - that she's a bit unsure of you, or what you think of her maybe - rather than thinking that he needs to take her literally. She's maybe looking for reasurrance that both you and her dad like her. But she really needs to know that her dad is convinced that you are a nice person who wouldn't say things like that.

Believing children when you know they are lying isn't right. It's handing them far more power than they can cope with - where would it stop? She needs to know that she'll always be believed if she's telling the truth, but to realise that her dad will know when she's lying.

He said he isnt going to ignore it because its his daughter telling him. And he will believe her when she tells him something.

Oh, boy is he in for a shock.

"Yes, Daddy, I've brushed my teeth", "Yes, Daddy, I've done my homework", "No, Daddy, I won't be late home", "No Daddy, I've never tried a cigarette, "No Daddy, I didn't try any alcohol", "Yes, Daddy, I'm still a virgin"

hahahahahahhahahaha laughing at the last one NotADisneyMum yes i agree with all 3 last statements!

purple i think you are right. She is insecure im sure of that. She does seek his and anyone elses attention. Always needs to be told well done. seeking approval. She has got issues i realise that. Hopefully when we sit down n talk to her about it she wont do it again. Weve said tonight backing each other up in "a telling 1 of them off situation" isnt something me and him do..... but we are going to start doing that. So that they both know... SD esp.... that we want the same behaviour.

At the end of the day she is/has been spoilt and is turning into a brat even at this small age.

I dont mix my words if i need to say something i just say it my OH knows this but sometimes when its home truths about his DD he doesnt want to listen. Rather ignore the fact hes being played by a 5yr old. HIS DD...

Like NotADisneyMum says Give it a few yrs....rod for his own back n all that!!

Great!! god knows what her mum has filled her head with .... SD is now saying she doesnt want to come to our house now. !! Obviously OH is blaming me for this..... :(

I'm sorry to say your OH sounds like a right knob.

Please don't feel guilty. You know you've not said or done anything unkind, and kids of that age can be very easily manipulated by adults with an agenda of their own. All it'd take would be for her bitter mother to ask her if you ever say anything nasty and it's not beyond the realms of possibility that the child replies yes - even if no such thing has happened - because they say what they think their mother wants to hear. I.e. if mother has been generally negative about either her spending time at yours and/or you directly, then she'll probably have picked up the vibe and feel guilty at expressing anything positive, or even neutral, about you. It could be the start of parental alienation.

What OH needs to do now is to tackle the situation as it stands rather than casting about flinging blame and taking out his (understandable) worry and upset on you. If he's still "allowed" to see SD at all, he needs to explain that she must have "misunderstood" (trying to be diplomatic here) as he knows you and knows you'd never be horrid. Reassure her that though he'd like to spend some special time alone 1 to 1 with her, he also wants to spend time with you both and is looking forward to doing that again soon. Don't make a huge great deal out of it .... the fibbing shouldn't be given more than a fleeting mention because otherwise it's being given an importance it doesn't merit (as it's not true) .... but maybe promote various things you have planned which would tempt her (not anything big necessarily, just simple stuff she'd enjoy like swimming, crafts etc). Failing all that, if she still "refuses" to come - (and quite frankly, at that age, I believe kids should be told they're going and that's that, in the same way they're told they're going to the dentist or to school like it or not .... but then if the mother does have an agenda, she won't "force" the child) - OH should insitigate a contact order in the hope that his ex won't want to take it as far as court and will start to play ball.

Well, anyway, that's what he should do if he has any sense. Quite how blaming you for something you haven't done solves anything I don't know and I'd be furious in your shoes.

I am furious! Upset but most of all worn out! by all this.
she will still be coming. OH ex seems to like her time off so to speak. Its just hard this situation has come into my life with me included in it and i have not done anything and have no control over it!!
Yes i understand children wanting to please their parent and saying what they want to hear. I think all this only started because she wanted her dads attention.

Its just getting out of hand now. I cant do right for doing wrong. i just want the ground to swallow me up.

Really feel for you but I'd reiterate I think you have an OH problem here. The child related problem should, in theory, be fairly easy to deal with if he stepped up to the mark and got on with it. Him failing to do that effectively encourages repeat performances .... and quite honestly at the age of 5, and maybe feeling insecure, how many kids wouldn't play up when they see that their fibs get daddy's attention and also cause disharmony between their dad and the woman she quite possibly "blames" for "taking daddy away" (thinking like a 5 year old here - especially one who might be being wound up). Just hope he comes to his senses and does what's right if he values your relationship.

He sounds like the 'stupid' one!!
I think you need to have a string talk with him.
You either both need to be a united front with both dc or parent them separately - there is no middle ground.
I can't believe he will blindly believe everything his dd tells him!!
What a fool he is!!

It sounds very similar to my situation if you see my post from last week...

It's very difficult when you feel such injustice to not over react but maybe when he's accusing you and saying how he believes DSD over you the best thing to do is not to say too much. You say you are very straight talking and if you're anything like me you're response to this crap about you saying mean to things with her you will list a million reasons why you're right thus giving DP something to fight back with.

The next time he accuses you of it maybe try not saying very much... like a raising an eyebrow or just asking "oh really?" and I love the line "I know you're not that stupid" for situations like this.

Saying less and not bothering defending yourself will leave him time to be alone with his thoughts. I'm sure he knows deep down what's happening but prefers to take it out on you than his child. Sometimes you don't need to say very much to make him see how ridiculous he's being.

As you see from my post last week, I ended up this time calling DH's bluff so much that I told him if he wanted to split up over this we could. I told him that surely he didn't want to be with someone so awful to his son anyway. It didn't take too long for the truth to come out and even better I have it now in a letter to present to him if the problem ever arises again.

Hang in there... he knows you're not the problem!

Yes jencd it is hard for me to stand back and not say much especially when i am being wronged!! But i spoke to my mum today about it and she said a similar thing to you.

Now... stay calm, dont take the bait and let it be from now on. I`ve said my piece tried to make him see sense to no avail. and if i can accept that i will not get an apology from him over this ridiculous incident then i just need to get on with it.

I have changed how things run now in the house/family wise. Ive said i will not put myself in an alone` situation with her anymore. That is out of the question. I have a son myself and i need to protect myself for that reason...... what if she told her mum something else.... something worse other than 1 word..... i cant be open to anything like that.

So for now.. Thats how it will be...... I shall try my hardest to keep a cool head.... rise above him.... be the better person.... He will now, with help of his family, have her to look after her himself. I`m sure the troubles and attention seeking will be turned onto someone else as i will not be such an easy target to get at now.

Maybe one day he will see her true colours...

I do believe he knows i was telling the truth... but too much has been said and passed now for him to back track ....

Patience is a virtue x

Maybe one day he will see her true colours...

Can't help thinking that's a rather sad way to be feeling about a 5 year old girl, who's behaving like a 5 year old girl. All children tell lies, try and get their parent's attention and try to find ways to get what they want out of them. I thiink you'd be better trying to focus on your DP's parenting skills and try not to blame a 5 year old for the way she behaves.

Oh, I'm late to this but I had a similar experience. DH's ex was furious after DH was awarded a court order for contact and she chose to take her anger out on me and encourage DSS to be rude to me.In my situation like your SD he would be awful when DH's back was turned, literally, the rude comments, rolling eyes etc

DH initially didn't believe it, his child was perfect and the issue nearly caused us to separate however we did go for counselling (as DH had major disney dad syndrome) and the counsellor was able to tell DH that he needed to wake up and start parenting. She warned DH that he needed to get on top of this sooner rather than later - it was the 3rd party validation that he needed to change.

I was so disappointed in DH but it wasn't actually about his trust in me but his absolute fear of ever discipling his child - he felt he would lose contact if he was not the positive fun daddy 100% of the time. Actually his relationship has improved as result - kids appreciate boundaries.

Does your dp believe his daughter is capable of telling lies?

PS your dp may generally be very naive to parenting a 5 year old..he should speak to a primary teacher who will tell him that lying at this age isn't that uncommon. I have a friend who confidently tells me her 6 year old "does not lie"..Hmmmm,she is in for a shock.