I`d appreciate advice!! Being accused of saying silly things by SD-What do i do??

[Jodie33]

Hi all,
I would like, if poss, for anyone to give me an answer to this as i feel i am stuck between a rock and a hard place!!

My 5yr old SD has started accusing me of saying silly things to her. i.e calling her "STUPID". (which, by the way isnt something i say. To my own son it would be stop being silly!)
She tells her dad and he obviously believes her straight away. Without even asking me if this has actually happened.
1 of the times she tells her dad i said it, HE was 2ft away from me! I asked him did you hear me speak? he answered "no. i didnt hear anything. But you could have whispered it or silently lipped it to her!"
Why would i? Im not that petty. If i want to say something it would be said for all to hear or at least the person im speaking to.
This has caused a MASSIVE ruc between me and my OH. I cannot bear being accused of something i havent done.
She is clever for her 5yrs. she knows how to play her dad twist him round her little finger. And i fear she is doing this to cause a problem between us so she can then go tell her mum we are arguing and she dosent like it! (which has happened!).

Ive protested my innocence but it falls on deaf ears. Should i just let it be? And leave it alone? What do i do/say/or how do i be, with SD going forward because i dont want to be put in this situation again. I dont want to fall out with my OH over her but he feels he is piggy in the middle not knowing who to believe. I guess im just hurt she has said this about me, and hurt OH hasnt any trust in me regarding his daughter.

Sorry to rant...dont know what to do? Am i over reacting??

sorry purpleroses a pathetic line that i shouldnt have put maybe??? i`m just soooo fustrated ..... and now sounding 5yrs old myself!! wrong thing to say! :)

Smum99 He is a typical disney dad (now i know what 1 is!!) He dosent have many rules for her. And he has been told by a child proffesional that his DD does think of herself as an adult and therefore does back chat. is rude. thinks she should be 1st in everything. do as i say and sincerely believes she should be included in all adult conversations and decisions and sometimes OH lets her! until i say no. this is an adult converstaion thankyou!

I`m not sure of the answer to "does he believe his daughter is capable of telling lies"???? ..... he does bury his head in the sand ! (typical bloke!) Often Not wanting to face upto anything not wanting to sort anything out.

He has seen with his own eyes and does hear her say things that he well knows arent true. But its harder to admit it isnt it. To say it out loud is a different matter.

Now from reading your thoughts i think maybe he is a little less knowlegable about how kids act/behave. than us mums :) He often seeks my advice and when i am in kid talking mode he does just sit and listen. No butting. No commenting. .... and then 2weeks later any bits he has picked up from me he would say i`ve had an idea to try this..... ooooo yes love. Good idea..... wonder where that came from!! lol

And the fear of losing contact is where we stand today with the stupid OH ex threatening she shouldnt be coming here.

All this over 1 word SD claims got said twice ..... I cant get my breath.

Mountain out of a mole hill ????

Have a

Not easy getting caught in the middle of things, I know. My DP was of the belief until recently that when he told his DCs to go to bed and brush their teeth, they went to bed and brushed their teeth I had to wave the dry toothbrushes at him on several ocassions to get him to believe that they didn't. He's still of the opinion that when he askes his DS1 how long he's been playing on the computer, and DS1 says "5 minutes" (even though he's been shut away in his bedroom for the past 3 hours) that he is telling the truth.... is very frustrating.

jodie the US have created another term that could describe the relationship between your DP and DSD - adult spousal status.

This differs from Disney Dad (although they often go hand in hand) in so much as the child (usually, but not always, a daughter) is treated by their parent as an equal - in terms of their role in and influence over the parents household and in the life of the parent.
The child with adult spousal status will have an equal say in household decisions as wide ranging from the dinner menu, to the allocation of bedrooms, the purchase of new household items, the selection of holiday destinations and even the conception of siblings The parent will consider the child as the primary influence in everything they do - asking the child if it is OK for them to have a night out, change their hairstyle or undertake a task 'Daddy's just going out to mow the lawn, if that's ok with you?'
The child begin to expect this level of involvement, and enjoy the status they have, while at the same time suffering feelings of insecurity due to the lack of boundaries being set.

A child with adult spousal status finds it very hard to concede when a true adult 'spouse' comes on the scene and they will try very hard to eliminate the 'threat' to their position. The methods vary depending on the age and support that the child gets from others, but usually involves trying to create disharmony between their parent and the 'invading spouse'.

If a parent continues to give their child adult spousal status when they have a true 'spouse', then their partner can expect to come second to the child in all aspects of life. For instance, not only will a child with adult spousal status accompany their parent on honeymoon (which is sometimes desirable) but the Childs opinion would have been the influencing factor that decided the destination. They are likely to know about in advance, and be involved in, a proposal of marriage by the parent.
They are not expected to concede their physical position next to their parent in situations where it is usual for a partner to be there - at a restaurant, snuggling on the sofa or even in the car.
A parent who gives their child adult spousal status often has whispered conversations with the child in front of their partner and may have prolonged secret text conversations with older children during quality time (such as dinner, weekend away etc) spent with their partner.

It's not pretty, is it? The longer it goes on, the more difficult it is for the child - your DP really isn't doing his DD any favours.
I think that your decision to disengage is a good one - your DD may soon be asking why you aren't joining in

"He has seen with his own eyes and does hear her say things that he well knows arent true. But its harder to admit it isnt it. To say it out loud is a different matter"

Yes, this is often the issue - even after many years DH finds it hard to say anything negative about his son. If we get a school report that states some issues DH glosses over these and will always find reasons why. After many years I've realised it's not my problem. If him and his ex don't deal with dss properly then there will be consequences for him at school and later in life. I can't take that responsibility on.

I will however not tolerate dss's poor behaviour to me and DH knows that. If I feel dh is being too soft for a consistent period of time or if dss is being disrespectful I take myself and my lovely well behaved DCs out of the situation - days out, weekends away..it doesn't happen often but it's the space I need. I really suggest all Stepmums have a budget for time away.

Give your DP the choice, if SD doesn't behave well then we can't spend time with her. Your DP needs the discipline lesson, negative behaviour (i.e his) will have a consequence.

Maybe he is learning some of that now...?? It is hard to see fault with your own child i know that myself!!

But then if i hear my son speaking out of term to ANYONE! i will pull him up straight away... usually he knows instantly before i get chance to tell him off! OH knows i never let DS speak out of term to him... so i am only expecting the same amount of respect back... Thats fair isnt it. But it is usually upto me to say to SD if she speaks out of ter.

His way of dealing with that or any other bad behaviour is to leave it all until the end of the day then he spaeks to her about it before bedtime when they are in room. Which is absolute tosh!! Kids need telling there and then!
Anyway...... time spent seperatly is what we are doing this week. :)

I know my other half doesnt particularly like doing this as it makes life hard for him!! HA! (because he works full time and i dont, he feels it is easy for me to have SD as a stop gap inbetween him going and when grandma shows up) But hell have to manage for the time being.

I have took time out for myself before (only twice tho in the last yr!!) Because i was getting a bit fraught. Only 1 night off, went to see some girl friends slept over so we could have a drink...... and even though SD knew i was out of the picture that night she did nothing but annoy her dad asking when was i coming back, whereve i gone, who with. why werent i there with them 2....etc etc... When OH told me this the morning after ... well.. I laughed!! To his annoyance! Ops! He said i knew you wouldnt believe me if i told you.... Funny she isnt that nice to me face to face.... only when im not around

Mixed up emotions i think.... She (sometimes) lets herself like me for a second (when i`m not there) ..... !! And then remembers.... but i shouldnt be liking her... Grrrrrrrrrrr

Anyway something else to answer.....

A weekend away has been planned for ages. Its my family all going on a road trip to see others in our family who live far away. (which will include a trip to the zoo as theres 1 near by)
After all this sher-bang i just want to take my son .. and run for the hills!!... have a nice relaxing wknd away me son and my fam..... But obviously OH and SD were coming at the beginning... then OH said they would not come cos of all this. ... we should have a wknd off from each other recharge n we would all benefit ffrom some space.... But now.. flippin heck! OH says No were moving on and making things better we should all go together.
Arrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I dont want to offend OH and pee him off again and say no back off i wana go by myself with DS. Cos we`ve nearly split up over this last tell-tale episode.. and are only just getting back on track.

What would you do? Just put up with them coming or rock the boat again n say no i wana go byself with SD ??

Ops! didnt mean SD right at the end there. Meant my son DS lol

I think you should go alone with your son.

Just say you could both do with some quality time with your own kids.
I would jump at the chance of a weekend away with just my boysc (see my reply on the other thread we are both on!)

Go alone with your son.

Be firm. Tell him you will NOT be put in positions like this. Go with your son and tell him to do a lot of thinking about how he wants the family to be. Make it clear that you won't stay around to be the punchbag here.

It isn't about 'believing his daughter can lie.' She is 5. She needs boundaries, and he is failing to give them to her. He is failing her. He is doing her NO favours by putting her at the same 'level' as you. That's frightening and confusing for a child, no matter how big and tough they're trying to look and act.

He's also clearly not giving her enough 1-1 attention. She does need that - she needs to make up for the time she isn't with him. Daddy Time needs to be estblished, and soon (cough - is your OH's resistance to this based at all on the fact that he'd rather not have to spend time parenting on his own??)

It's a shame. She is trying to cope with her parents splitting, and with you in a parental position to her. The BEST way your OH can reassure her that your position is a positive one is to BACK YOU UP - to portray a united front. She is pushing the boundaries, as all children do. He is letting them get pushed over.

Tell your OH about her seeming to forget that she shouldn't be liking you. That's so sad for a little five-year-old. Your OH really needs to step in and show by example that you are the 'mummy' figure in your home. It sounds daft, but that is what your SD needs to be shown. That is what will make her secure.

Go alone with your DS and let OH and his child stay at home, be firm about it that you need some time with your son and family and they can not come with you

I think go alone too. Don't directly say why... make an excuse that after everything you think DSD would prefer some private time with her Dad. No need to mention you prefer they don't come.

This was my last trick over a ski holiday. DH obviously realised that if I was going to give up the opportunity of going away skiing for a few days then the situation was serious. He tried to convince me a couple of times to join them but I politely made excuses each time although we both knew the unspoken truth.

Sticking to your guns abit will show him how much this is hurting you and how serious you are about the situation.

I really think it's important that you don't tell him you don't want them to come. Make the focus a positive, that they should have quality time together as father and daughter. DSD is confused and needs her dad's attention for a little while, one on one. Then you can't be attacked for not liking DSD or not playing happy families and he'll realise he has to act on this before his "happy family" falls apart.

how long has it been... a week??
We have come to the time where my OH has his DD again for the rest of the week & wknd and hes just txt me saying a message off exW says his DD doesnt want to come here tonight he put... i wonder why ! (meaning me!)

Putting the blame at my door yet again ... when hed told me last week hed spoken to DD that she was fine, happy bout coming and there was nothing that was upsetting her. And had a conversation bout fibbing and that it wasnt to be done as its not nice.

I`ve just replied to him and said noone in this house has seen her for the last 5 days so whoever has spoken to her or made her feel like that .... isnt me or anyone in this house!!

OH says hes sick of this sh*t!..... He`s not the only 1.

Me and my DS are away all this wknd so he will have some nice quality time with his DD altho he hasnt said he`s looking forward to it???

Its like talking to a brick wall.... how do i make him see its the whole situation ... not just 1 person i.e ME .... that is affecting his DD.

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I have to say that's a horrid message from him, blaming which is the less constructive way to solve a problem.

I think you need to be robust with him - not justifying his silly comments. Tell him to be a parent and deal with the problem. There is a whole host of reasons why his dd could feel like this but he is choosing to blame you..Nice!!

My dh would not tell his dss off in front of me as it would embarrass him, this was when he was 2 or 3..madness. I think your dp has a long way to go before he is a good parent and even further before he can be a good partner.

I look back and know I tolerated too much for too long, I regret that. If the problem doesn't get fixed it will only get worse, at least at 5 she is cute, at 14 she will be the hormonal, manipulative teen from hell.That's your future.

Well done on going away for the weekend solo with your ds.I have never, ever regretted the time I spent as a parent on my own with the DC's (even when with DH). Those are happy memories which you create with your son will stay with you forever.

Well I would say it is a very good thing you are going away with your ds this weekend so you can leave him with his dd. I hope she is vile all weekend and he sees that she is the problem not you!!
He sounds as much of a brat as she is!!!

I think he's on another planet and is kidding himself that his little darling isn't being a bit of a madam!

I really think the secret to a successful blended situation isn't to try and reconstruct a nucleur family but to create something new - a step family. I really think it's where so many people go wrong.

You should both have time away from your step children with your own respective children, if your DP can't accept that then I think he is naive about what you are trying to acheive as a step family. I also think he is being incredibly rude and disrespectful to you to accuse you of behaving like a 5 year old!

I agree with others not to word it that you don't want to go, but to word it that you think DSD needs quality time alone with her father. I do this with my OH. I know he doesn't have any desire to spend time alone with his tribe, but I need to get away with my DS for my sanity! What I want to say is that I can't stand his kids ruling the roost and running the show for another minute and I'm off to have some quality, peace and quiet with MY DS.

lol kaluki !! she probably wont be vile tho will she!! tbh if she was and he had a crap wknd i dont think i would want to come back to him in a mood and deal with that.

I`d rather she relish her time with her dad and just bloody enjoy it for once.! (i know me and my son will have a fantastic time!!)

I dont know what to do anymore :( someone said a few posts ago.... he sounds like a knob... well i`m tending to agree with that at the min. I cant do right for doing wrong. If i do nothing its wrong.... if i say/do something its wrong!!

Between him and his ex txtin him and winding him up i can hardly live an ordinary everyday life. I feel like i cant breathe.

I moved miles away from all my family and friends, left my job, moved my son out of a very good school, to be with him. bringing my whole entire life to here. so we could be together.

....And 6 months later i feel more alone than i did when i started having even my own OH turn against me. I`m just fighting a losing battle.

I really want to turn this round and get out of this awful circle. But i cant seem to make OH see sense. All he see`s is i moved here she starts acting up therefor its all my fault his life has got hard.

Sorry to dribble on. I know i`m feeling sorry for myself

jodie - I feel for you, it must be horrible to see things falling apart and not feel able to do anything. This is one of the reasons that second relationships fail even more often than firsts, it's just down to a lack of communication

But, although you can't "make" your DP do anything, you can make a lot of choices yourself and take control of your own life and destiny.

You owe your DP the courtesy of explaining, in a reasonable way that he understands, that you are unhappy, and that you would like his help to work through this. Often, this is best achieved in a letter, followed by a chance to sit down together and work through it so he can ask you things he may not fully understand.

He then has a choice. If he respects and loves you, then he will want to help, even if that becomes difficult and uncomfortable for a while. You can decide together how you achieve that; counselling together, separately or a combination might work for you; or maybe a group approach like the Alpha Course might be more your thing. Alternatively, maybe you decide that taking a parenting class together is a good first step.

Unfortunately, he may decide that the idea of supporting you is too uncomfortable or difficult for him. If so, then you still have a choice. You can decide change nothing, or you can decide to change the way you feel about the situation. Counselling for yourself is a good step in this case, and you may decide once you have talked things through and worked them out in your own head that you are no longer prepared to accept a relationship with him on those terms. Alternatively, you may come to the conclusion that you can accept the limitations that your DP shows in this regard, but develop coping strategies to deal with the situations involving your DSD so that you no longer become unhappy and frustrated.

What is clear is that things cannot stay the way they are now - you are miserable your DS deserves a happy Mum!

Jodie, My DH had similar parenting issues but with counselling it has improved. It isn't ideal and I'm not sure it ever can be as DH & I don't get to parent DSD all the time.

The one theme that comes up time & time again is that often step mums give up so much to build a life with a partner. I also moved some years ago, left work, good friends & family so that DH could be closer to his son. Big mistake as I have made sacrifices and that can lead to resentment.

Your partner has to make you feel you are being heard, he may not know how to fix the problem but he should listen. Different approaches to parenting is a major cause of problems in step families but is can be resolved, however your partner seems to be blaming you which is very negative and absolutely not constructive. I would be concerned by this as I suspect its the way he handles differences (i.e he is a knob!).

jodie - it's interesting as you say your OH is now saying that the situation with his DD has got worse since you moved in. That's hardly surprising it is? She now is beginning to realise that this is how it is going to be now, which at the moment, she doesn't like. It's also interesting that the little girl is a bit rude and hostile to you when you are there, but also misses you when you are not...
These seem to me, to be signs that she is confused and struggling with the situation - which is not surprising, she is only 5 and these are adult concepts. You and your OH really need to be on the same page about how you parent in these circumstances and you need to have his support. It is good that he is willing to put his daughters needs high, but there is the danger with this approach in a step-parenting situation, that it will fuel jealousy and divisions. His DD needs to feel loved by Daddy and accepted by you, but not to be threatened by your relationship. This doesn't happen overnight.
My DSD was 7 when I met my partner and whilst she has never been rude in a direct way, she obviously really struggled in understanding why I was there - at dinner times she would always want to talk about Mummy, and would go and find their old wedding photo and show it to me - my DP did not know how to handle this at all. At that time they were still married, over time, they got divorced, we all got to know each other better and the situation improved at home. I think many children harbour fantasies that their parents will reconcile and the arrival of a new partner is a hard blow against that hope.