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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step mums- how would you expect me to proceed- what can I expect?

34 replies

washingonawednesday · 18/02/2012 00:15

I'll be meeting my ex husbands girlfriend in a week. They are having my son from tonight until next Sunday. First time my son has met her and I'll meet her at the pick up.

I won't try to sugar coat it. She was the ow who split up our marriage- fault lies with him as he had previous, but she was well aware of my son and I when they first slept together when my son was only 3 months old - he's now 14 months. (we split when he was 5 months).

Although I have never met her, I hate her. Childish I know, but what's the point in posting here if you can't be honest? I am bitter, but emotionally much better as I have a lovely new man now who also has a son so I'll be potentially joining the ranks of step mum myself!

Anyway. How to deal with the meet? I don't want my feelings to affect my son, it's my problem, not his and I don't want the animosity I feel to upset him. Particularly because if I know my husband they'll probably be married pretty soon so she's a fixture that is unlikely to go away.

Anyone have any experience? What do you think she'll be expecting from me? After this week she'll be seeing him at the EOW visits (live too far away for midweek access). I can suck it up and be civil but is it better for me to really dig deep and try to be nice? I'm really not sure that I could.

She's going to be a part of my sons life and I want the best for him, but how?

Any advice?

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 18/02/2012 00:18

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smurfy1 · 18/02/2012 01:27

Look your best, wear killer heels & smile sweetly and in your mind rip her head off! Oh and I strongly believe in Karma so she will likely fall pregnant and he'll do it to her aswell

Unfortunately there are woman out there that don't care whether they hurt others and she knew about you and your baby

NotaDisneyMum · 18/02/2012 07:56

washing Civil is perfectly acceptable IMO - you don't have to be overtly friendly if you don't feel it.
Although DCs do pick up on tension, you don't have to be friends with your ex or his DP - your DS will never remember a time in his life when things were any different Smile

In time, you may develop a more co-operative relationship - but for now, greet her as you would a colleague or friend of your DP that you don't know Smile

Fisharefriendsnotfood · 18/02/2012 08:02

Kill her with kindness. It really works, you'll feel all powerful, your son will go away happy, your ex will be hurt that you don't care and the gf will feel unimportant. Win win all round. Then come in and kick the crap out of something. Smile good luck and be brave

purpleroses · 18/02/2012 08:29

Just be civil. That's all that's required. She's v unlikely to be looking for confrontation. much more likely terrified of you

W0rmy · 18/02/2012 08:31

What Disney said. While I like the 'killing with kindness' approach it might be too easy to over cook this if you're not really feeling it.

And don't forget she will probably be feeling a bit anxious about the meeting too.

Good luck.

brdgrl · 18/02/2012 11:01

Yep - civility. I'd say less like you would to your DP's colleague or friend, and more like you would be to a new hairdresser, or a new business contact...you don't need to be warm, just polite and if you can manage an air of confidence, so much the better.

Look beautiful, but casual. You have no need to dress up for this woman.

Hopefully this is a short hand-off, not a 'come in and have a cup of tea' meeting? Keep the conversation short, keep the focus on your son.

BOMbastic · 18/02/2012 12:35

Yes I think civility is the way to go. When I met my DSD's ex she was soooo nice it was obsurd. We bumped in to her and DSD in town and she insisted we all have lunch together. The pick ups following that she would always invite me in and if I declined she would act all wounded. She would kiss and hug me hello and goodbye etc. You get the picture. Any way it all came crashing down of course and now we don't speak. But this is a very specific case of her being an utter nutcase, which you are clearly not!!!

The best advice I could give is to allow your son to know he can be affectionate towards her. For example when you leave be sure to say "remember to say goodbye to OW's name nicely" it gives your son permission to behave with her in the same way he would when you're not around.

My DD's SM and I are chatty when we meet but it is always talk around DD and what she has done. We both have her best interests at heart but we don't need to be best friends so it's not "how's work going?" stuff it's more "Did DD eat okay today, she's been a bit off vegetables the past week or so" type talk.

As a result my DD is coompletely comfortable with her sm and knows she can be honest with me about how much she likes her and how close they are.

BOMbastic · 18/02/2012 12:39

I just read the other responses. I certainly wouldn't dress up! You set a precident that you have to look your best every time you see her.

Why the hell should you? In fact I think it exudes way more confidence to not dress up.

What this woman did wans't of the highest moral order but she will be a hundred times more nervous than you about this meeting I bet.

If she comes all glammed up and you are casual - you get all the cool points. If she comes casual and you come casual then your on even ground. If ou glam up and she comes casual then you look desperate... sorry.

Libby10 · 18/02/2012 13:30

I agree about not dressing up - wear what you feel comfortable in whether it be dressy or casual. I would keep it civil to start off with. You may not get on better over time or you may not but I think kids pick up on falsity as much as animosity.

ladygagoo · 18/02/2012 16:45

Yikes, I feel for you, but just remember you only have to meet her for the first time once and you will feel so relieved once its over.
Do make an effort with yourself, make-up etc but just be casually dressed otherwise it will be very obvious. (this is all about making you feel better though not that you are dressing up for her)
I wasn't the OW, in fact she was the one who ran off and left DSS. However I felt v nervous meeting DSS's mum. She was very polite though and we have always been 'cordial' since. You don't need to say too much but honestly I would just smile and say hello and let the rest be natural. She will be in your child's life and it will be so much better if you start off on a good(ish) note.
I would have a mate on standby and a bottle of wine in the fridge for when they've gone. Good luck

slimbo · 18/02/2012 19:37

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
washingonawednesday · 18/02/2012 19:39

Sadly it will be a lengthy handover and not in the best circumstances. I'll be collecting him from my mother in laws with a lot of his relatives there and her. Awesome. It'll take a while to load up his stuff from a week so I won't be in and out in 5 minutes. But so far in my head I have dress casual but confident, civil not nice and keep the chat about my son. Think I can manage that.

OP posts:
Original poster
washingonawednesday · 18/02/2012 19:40

Also thanks for the advice- any previous experience gladly recieved!

OP posts:
slimbo · 18/02/2012 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elastamum · 18/02/2012 20:27

I think it is pretty unreasonable for your ex to put you in this situation in the first place.

Decide whether you want to be in a situation with ex, OW and a pile of on lookers all wanting to see how you react. You dont have to go into their house if you dont want to. If it makes you feel uncomfortable take back some control. You could insist on a handover in a neutral place with only him.

Also be civil if you can, but dont feel you have to be nice or invite OW over your threshold. It is perfectly OK to say she isnt welcome in your home and you dont have to talk to her at all, just communicate information regarding your son with your ex.

Or you could turn up with your new man beside you for moral support. Now that would make them think Grin

purpleroses · 18/02/2012 20:46

If you're worried about it you could tell your ex precisely what time you'll be there and ask him to have DS all ready to go. Then it shouldn't take too long.

balia · 18/02/2012 20:55

Got my fingers crossed for you. FWIW, I really liked my ex's new wife...but in fairness she wasn't the OW.

Could you maybe think of her as, like, a toe nail clipper? You know you have to trim your toenails because they are too long and a bit uncomfortable and unsightly but you don't find time to do it unless the toenal clippers are right there? So she just pruned some dead wood out of your life to clear the path for lovely new man...mixed metaphors, I know, but no hate necessary.

Original poster
washingonawednesday · 18/02/2012 21:24

Love the toenail clippers metaphor! Yes he is definately dead wood to me. I knew about an affair 2 years ago but we'd been together for 13 years so both thought we were worth saving and he swore to never do it again. After this one he confessed to a further 5 women over the years so well rid is not the word! Just hope the pair of thence are good to my boy this week!

OP posts:
BOMbastic · 19/02/2012 08:18

I hope so too. Be kind to yourself and try to assume they will be.

What with your ex being such an utter twat it sounds like a good thing that your son will have someone else around while he's with him.

Iblameba · 19/02/2012 21:44

God I feel for you.

The OW is the reason my marriage split up, she acts as if nothing happened - then slags me off to all and sundry.

I am polite, never slag her off to my DCS and when I have to speak to her keep it on relevant terms. She is a poisonous bitch and I struggle, but for my DCs I will do anything. The minute they are 18 and understand the evil pernicous picture this bitch has created then there are no holds barred.

I hurt and cry when I know they are spending time with her. They come home saying -"why do you hate a -she loves you, she wants to be friends with you"

That to me is evil. I will not lie to them and say I like her.

Good Luck - I feel your pain and can not tell you it will get easier - I wait for justice, in the meantime like a lot of wronged women who have to put up with bitch OW - we suck it up for our children and know that we did no wrong.

PrincessWellington · 19/02/2012 22:32

Personally I wouldn't be going into that house. Do you still talk to the ex family? I would be asking to meet in tesco car park or something. Open boot, transfer stuff, quick hello and gone. Do you want to put yourself through it?

Original poster
washingonawednesday · 19/02/2012 22:53

Still pretty friendly - have been trying to keep it 'normal' for my son so we had a Christmas meal with the inlaws etc. mil will probably take it as a slight if I ask to meet in a neutral place. They didn't do anything wrong (apart from raise a dick head with no morals, but break ups and affairs are pretty much the norm in their family- ex swore he was and wanted to be different but failed spectacularly) so I don't want to alienate them

Think I'll be civil, but pretty much ignore ow and chat to my ex about my son as we do the handover.

I will come out of this with my dignity intact if it kills me!

OP posts:
BOMbastic · 20/02/2012 08:49

You're doing a fantastic job washing ! Your children will really thank you for it. I do think it doesn't hurt to pretend to "like" the Sm on some level. You don't have to pretend you really like her but the worst thing is that your children will feel guilty if they like her, because mummy doesn't.

My previous marriage broke up after his affair and he did stay with her for a while afterwards so I have been in this situation. I know how shit it feels and how deep you have to dig but ouyr children are not an extension of us, although they might see it that way. If you say you don't like the SM, eventually they will feel they have to take sides. Just beacue you don't like her doesn't mean they won't.

Let us know how you get on won't you?

cookiesnap · 20/02/2012 20:38

My dp's ex and I are very civil when we meet. The first time felt horrendously stressful for me and I assume for her, but we both slipped into social mode and chatted about generalities. We quite like each other actually, though the situation makes friendship impossible.

I would say let your son be friends with her. He will be so much happier if he is allowed to have a warm relationship with his sm without having to feel guilty about it. It's also good if you can allow your ds to mention her naturally in conversation (when he gets older).

But don't feel you have to pretend to be great buddies - you don't need to and kids pick up on the tension anyway. I used to find meetings with my dad, sm, mum and sf really excruciating, and my dss was really stressed the first few times we all met. Short and civil is the best way unless you genuinely feel liking.