Step mums- how would you expect me to proceed- what can I expect?

[washingonawednesday]

I'll be meeting my ex husbands girlfriend in a week. They are having my son from tonight until next Sunday. First time my son has met her and I'll meet her at the pick up.

I won't try to sugar coat it. She was the ow who split up our marriage- fault lies with him as he had previous, but she was well aware of my son and I when they first slept together when my son was only 3 months old - he's now 14 months. (we split when he was 5 months).

Although I have never met her, I hate her. Childish I know, but what's the point in posting here if you can't be honest? I am bitter, but emotionally much better as I have a lovely new man now who also has a son so I'll be potentially joining the ranks of step mum myself!

Anyway. How to deal with the meet? I don't want my feelings to affect my son, it's my problem, not his and I don't want the animosity I feel to upset him. Particularly because if I know my husband they'll probably be married pretty soon so she's a fixture that is unlikely to go away.

Anyone have any experience? What do you think she'll be expecting from me? After this week she'll be seeing him at the EOW visits (live too far away for midweek access). I can suck it up and be civil but is it better for me to really dig deep and try to be nice? I'm really not sure that I could.

She's going to be a part of my sons life and I want the best for him, but how?

Any advice?

I wish he would just sod off now. Whenever I text to ask how my son is I have had a variation of 'ow is just feeding him breakfast- baby is loving it', 'baby loves ow so much', 'baby is having so much fun exploring the new house, he loves ow cats', 'looks like baby likes ow more than me- he starts to kick off now when ever she leaves the room'

Yep I get it, you are both having a ball playing happy families with MY baby. Maybe show me a bit of courtesy and stop fucking going on about it? I don't bang on about how good my new partner is with my son or how much baby loves him to my ex because I know it is hurtful that another man sees his child more than he does. Prick.

Another 6 days of this before I get my baby back.

And then I have to be civil to this woman. My god ill have gritted teeth that day. (still I'm glad my baby sounds like he's having a good time with them - sigh)

washing don't torture yourself

If you are confident in his ability to parent, arrange a once-a-day update and that's it.

One of the issues that can lead to tension with Step mums is what is perceived as interference in their households through constant contact and need for updates.
Your baby is your ex's too- and he can choose who he shares that experience with - just as you can

Those texts are either bloody insenitive or downright nasty and designed to wind you up. Think I'd cut back on the texts or keep them v factual. And of course try not to let him know they hurt which can't be easy.

I don't know the chap but I doubt they are intended to be nasty - just very very insensitive!

He is probably playing the proud daddy a bit and showing you he can do it without you - this must put your mind at ease a bit. Now, you know it's not YOUR baby don't you? The quicker you get that idea out of your head the better - easier said than done I know.

I second what NADM said about once a day updates. It must be annoying for the SM to have you in contact with he rpartner al lday, she will feel like you are constantly checking up and doubting their ability. If you don't doubt their ability then I think a text just before bed so you can sleep easy is probably the way forward.

Good luck with it all, it is soooooo horrible - I've been there. But if you adopt a healthy hands-off attitude now then it sets a good foundation for the future, there are harder battles ahead

Sorry, is it too early for wine...

Does he have to have your ds for this long? Seems like a very long time for ds to be away from you.

The texts are awful - my dp would never ever tell ex happy stories about me and dss. I just can't understand why anyone would do that.

cookie the DP's DS is away from his Dad for far longer than he is away from his mum. Why shouldn't the OP's DS spend a week with his Dad?

Yes, the texts are insensitive - and depending on the relationship between the OP and her ex, they could be deliberate - but the OP doesn't have the power to change him, but she does have the power to change the way in which she reacts to his behaviour.

Update... I was a big girls blouse yesterday and told my ex I wasn't ready to meet her yet as I was feeling pretty emotional. Glad I did as I would have had an audience of 9 of my ex inlaws in the living room to observe! No pressure then! My son was fine during the 9 days away from me and I got lovely smiles and cuddles when I collected him. I was also able to breastfeed him this morning after all that time as well so im very happy. Think the meet will happen just the three of us this weekend which is much better.

Thanks for all the advice!

Good for you washing seems a much better idea as your son would have picked up on your nerves if you felt that bad.

Good luck next week then and congrats on the breastfeeding

yes, good for you. do it when you feel ready, and without an audience. you have nothing to prove to anyone!
glad you have your DS back, must have been very hard to be away that long. terrific that the bf-ing worked out all right.