Early Warning Signs of Disney Dad?

[Melrose79]

I have been seeing a (usually) lovely man for around 8 months. We recently introduced the children (he has a 12 year old girl who lives with him and I have a 10 year old boy who lives with me) at a soft play area. As soon as we got there DS ran off to play. His DD wandered off for 5 minutes and then came back and sat on his knee and said her ankle was hurting. This continued throughout until he got quite cross with her and literally pushed her off his knee telling her to go and "do something". She sulked off, 5 minutes later she came back, perched on his knee and said she was thirsty, throat was hurting etc - this time he cuddled her saying "awww do you need a drink? do you need something to eat? are you ok?" etc etc. The whole trip was like this. Anyway he called it a success. I secretely called it a wasted day but hey! anyway he invited DS and I around for dinner the weekend after. The kids went out on the trampoline and his DD also had a friend around. 15 minutes later his DD comes into the house crying and locks herself in the bedroom. Her dad immediately rushes upstairs to find out what had gone on. I go out and ask DS (and the other friend).

The gist of it was that she had said to DS "I read your diary and I know who you fancy!" - and they all laughed. DS then said "well, I've read YOUR diary and I know the name of the boy YOU fancy!". The other friend laughed. She didn't find this funny at all however and started shouting at him to shut up. DS being a 10 year old boy with an audience reminded her that she had started it and added "ooo shall I say his name?" and the other friend continued to laugh. This is the point where she ran in crying.

To me it sounds like childish banter on both sides. Her father says it's "classic bullying" and my DS should be "spoken to" and punished for it. I reminded him that it was in fact his DD that started the whole thing and he replied "yes but some people are more sensitive and your DS needs to learn that." I muttered something about people in glass houses and the night was cut short (my decision as this argument was not going to resolve itself and I refused to punish DS when he was simply copying her.

He's since contacted me as if nothing has happened asking when we're all meeting up again. I'm wary. Should I be?

No

Yes

Yes - but it's not necessarily hopeless!

Without the kids there sit down and discuss how you will tackle this kind of thing in the future.You both need to accept that there will be some of this behaviour between the kids and that it is wrong to rush in and apportion blame. When these thnigs happen you need to ignore it as much as possible - tell them to go away and get on with it. Let them see you won't be taking sides and that it won't be causing an arguement between you and your DP. Unless it is really a case of bullying (which this isn't - just normal childish rivalry) then don't get involved.

Don't let them get away with using this kind of thing as a tool for getting attention or causing trouble between you and you DP. They will eventually get fed up with getting nothing from this kind of behaviour.

Absolutely, you should be wary, and you should get this issue addressed or you (and your DS) will be putting up with this crap for years to come. Not only does it sound like potentially Disney Dad behaviour, but like early signs of classic 12-year-old 'Disney Daughter' behaviour - 'normal' (whatever that means in these circumstances) but likely to increase as your relationship with DP becomes stronger. You need to know that he is going to address it before it becomes destructive to your relationship. If you read old threads on here, you will see plenty about DSDs around this age, and the particular dynamic that can develop. You are right I think to want to be alert to it.

If anyone was 'bullying' in the scenario you describe, by the way, it was your DP's DD; instigating the teasing in front of her own friend,and then turning it around to make herself the 'victim' is the sort of manipulation that bullies engage in. She can't be allowed to get away with it, or your DS will get the short end every time.

She is being jealous and playing the 'daddy's ikkle giwl' routine. He won't see it as that and will think that she is just a delicate little flower and that boys are rougher and tougher. She is being a bully - not to your son, but to her dad too.

It would cause ructions of you were to point this out - an I assume he is also overcompensating because he is no longer with her mum.

As glass says, you need to discuss it with him, and work out the boundaries. Point out that head met your son, and that he is a nice boy - not some bullying hooligan! Remind him that kids do act up and get jealous, vie for attention and wrap their parents around their little fingers.

I hope it works out for you all, and that little madam calms down! Have a little word with your son too - point out that she may act up a little to get daddy's attention, but not to play her game (as I point out to DS - it is usually the one who retaliates who gets into trouble, so best just to ignore or laugh it off, and pick your battles!)

OP - you've given me flashbacks of the beginning of my relationship with DP; unfortunately, we made a lot of mistakes and DSD is suffering the consequences

I recommend that you read a copy of Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin - it will help you understand what is going on and likely to happen.
Your DPs DDs age is a key factor - some family therapists actually recommend to parents that they avoid new relationships when their children are pre and young teens - although I don't agree, it is very hard.

How long has your DP been on his own - and has his DD been 'the special woman' in his life during that time, with spousal status and privileges - or has he parented her consistently?
If he changes how he treats her now you and your DS are on the scene - she will blame you - and the success of your 'blended family' will depend on how your DP and his DCs mum, respond to that. If their mum resents you, it adds yet another challenge to overcome.

If I had know how destructive my relationship with DP was going to be on his DD, I may have walked away when I still could

NotaDisneymum can you elaborate a bit on the issue of teenage sd's if you dont mind as you seem to have some experience here? lol My dp has always had good relationship with his DD but she does the babyish acting up thing too and sitting on knee and it is hard to know whether he has encouraged or tried to discourage this behaviour before i was on the scene. Is this likely to get better? or is she always going to feel her position is threatened by me? Surely boys and her mates will be more important to her during mid teens than sitting on her fathers lap? or am i kidding myself?

If your DPs DD has had the opportunity to establish herself as 'the lady' in her Dads life - the one he indulges, prioritises and favours, then it is likely that she will resent you for usurping her position.

As an example, I've heard of situations where the 'new girlfriend' is expected to sit in the back of the car with younger DCs on family outings, because the front passenger seat is DDs 'next to Daddy'! When Daddy finally challenges DD and puts her back in her place - often the 'new girlfriend' is held responsible for changing her DP - and in some cases the exW reinforces this by sympathising with a disgruntled teen 'well, daddy obviously loves her more than you

My DP is completely estranged from his DD due to these dynamics. Before I came on the scene, she had Daddy wrapped around her little finger - when I came along, she tried to make my life hell and when DP intervened, his DD was angry and has excluded him from her life

Yes. It doesn't sound like he is going to treat your ds well.

You and him need to talk about family dynamics, as you are both going to be defensive of your own children and things need to be sorted out so that you can both be fair and rational.

She needs to be reassured that she will not be loved any less because things are changing as I'd say her behaviour is showing she probably feels quite vulnerable and in need of constructive reassurance from both of you. He needs to not pander, but be supportive at the same time.

I think it takes a lot of work to be a good step-parent, both of you will benefit from a talk about it.

I have been here and the key is communication and how well you will parent together. Was he willing to see your point of view? She will manipulate situations it's natural, it's how he deals with it. Saying that, I'm quite lax

I think this is a fairly normal scenario but it is how it is dealt with that is important. Sounds like your DP needs to be prepared to open his eyes if he is going to have a relationship with anyone (including you!) because no other person is going to see his daughter through the rose coloured glasses that he is wearing! If he isn't prepared to see all angles, then you've got an uphill struggle.

In our family my DSS and DS will do very similar things to the one you describe in your situation. DSD will be quite nasty to the boys, the boys will retaliate, she screams the place down and has a tantrum and Daddy runs to her defence. My DP has got a lot better lately but I've also started telling his DSD off (we've been together nearly 4 years) and DP is backing me up whereas before he was telling his DS and my DS off. I think he is finally realising that a 9 year old girl really shouldn't be having screaming tantrums anymore!

I have a DS and a DD, and my DP has two of each. At risk of generalising here, but we've generally found a big difference between the girls and the boys in terms of how they deal with getting to know a new step-parent and sharing their own parent. My DD(8) and DP's DD2(11) have both been much more sensitive and attention-seeking at times than any of our boys are. This has included sitting on laps, interupting coversations, running off to bedrooms to sulk about something trivial, and coming to us in tears claiming hard treatment by one of the other DCs. They boys don't do any of this. They either get on, or they ignore each other. And just seem to take things as they come, rather than needing reasssurance constantly about how they fit in the new set up.

So, as a parent of a boy, I think you may need to make some allowances for your DP's DD being quite a different child from your DS. Whilst what you described doesn't sound at all like bullying to me, it possibly is true that she is more sensitive than your DS. But if your DP described the day as a success, then maybe he was aware that his DD was likely to find it difficult and thinks that all things considered she didn't do too badly.

The events you've described sound a little odd to me - Does your 10 year old DS really keep a diary and write down who he fancies in it? It does sound more like the sort of thing a 12 year old girl would do than a 10 year old boy to me - are you sure you've got the facts right? And if you have, is your DP believing that things happened as you describe? If he does, then it does sound like he needs to be a bit less quick to blame your DS. He's bound to be nervous of upsetting his DD, and any parent's instict is to defend their own child in a fall-out, but if you want to make things work he'll need to look at his behaviour and make a real effort to try to be fair between them.

Maybe it would be better, when you're at the very early stages of letting the DCs get to know each other, if you try to make sure that you're both around more of the time, rather than sending them off to play and expecting them to get on with it. Then if either of your DCs is nasty to the other, at least you'll each have seen what has actually gone on, and will be better placed to intervene.

Same thing happened with DSD here, but I wanted to say that, about four years on, things are much, much better. We still have some moments of Disney Daughter and Disney Dad, but we all deal with it differently now - me, DH, DSD...
I won't say it has been easy, I have been very close to packing it all in on a number of occasions - but honestly, it can get better.

Some excellent advice here and given by step mums who have been through it all.

I would agree with NADM, introducing a step parent from the age of 8 can be more challenging (and I did it) but communication is key. I would say however that step parenting generally requires excellent levels of communication, across the board, as the challenges are great (combined households, parenting, finances, the ex's etc). How your new partner deals with situations is critical.

DH & I are 11 years down the step parenting path and looking back I realise that for parenting it was essential that we agreed on acceptable behaviour and importantly we agreed on sanctions for misbehaviour. This took some work as every parent has different disciplines levels and you have to harmonise sanctions. DH was in my mind much too soft and allowed levels of disrespect that I wouldn't tolerate. A relationship can't thrive and survive if parenting approaches are different.

Another issue is that when you are in a new relationship your loyalty is with the child (rightly so) so each parent can be defensive to any negative feedback on their child. Over time the confidence in a relationship develops and you both learn to parent jointly. DH trusts that I have dss's best interests at heart so if I make comments on his behaviour he will act on them. It has taken years for that situation to develop.

I guess this is why experts recommend that you don't rush the introductions of dc's as the relationship has to have levels of commitment, trust and effective communication before introducing dc's.

PS on your situation - I would mention that 12 year old can be a terrible age for girls as it's the start of hormones. By 14 it was better but at 12 my previously lovely daughter even tested my patience at times.

Oh dear. Sounds like my 'D'SD. She was very much Daddy's little princess when DP and I met and I totally agree with the poster who said that girls and boys react differently to the situation.
The worrying thing about the OP is the reaction to your DS. This should be nipped in the bud now or your SD will use this as a tool to get Daddy on side every time she doesn't get her own way in future.
I have a rule that if I didn't see or hear what happened then I won't get involved (unless there is bloodshed of course!!) I won't get drawn into the petty squabbles of he said, she said etc. This has stopped DSD in her tracks as she was very prone to making things up or like your DP's DD she would engineer a situation to make herself the victim.
She also used to be 'hurt' or 'ill' when she wasn't centre of attention but I soon put paid to that by suggesting that she goes for a lie down or gives pudding a miss because she is so ill (wicked stepmother here and proud of it)
Above all - DO NOT let this child walk all over you, You will be storing up a whole lot of problems for the future if you don't nip it in the bud now

I agree too boys do act differntly to girls. My son has had no problems at all changing schools, living in my new OH home and becoming a blended bloody family as they call us!!
But my OH daughter has found it difficult. And they are practically the same age.
Also i agree with kaluki (above) you do need to nip it in the bud. Speaking as a resntful SM who didnt do that and now has made a rod for my own back!!

AND! a question ... as i am a newbie on here .... What the hell is a Disney Dad?? lol

What the hell is a Disney Dad

One who tries to re-create Disney for their DC's - either because they feel guilty, are worried that the DC's won't want to see him, or think that it is a good way to parent (or all three).

Often it is to compensate for their absence on a day to day basis in their DC's lives - there will be very few rules, bad behaviour is accepted, there is an endless supply of gifts, treats and days out, and while they are present, the DC's are the centre of their Dads universe - no-one else (spouse, other DCs or SDCs) matter

And very often, as in my DPs case the disney dad will buy the dc over the top expensive presents to compete with the mother for position of best parent. These gifts are usually given in reward for the most horrific behaviour!!!!

Oh my god! That is my other half all over! everything you have said NotaDisneyMum and kaluki !!! Christ. i never knew !! Thankyou

Learn something new everyday! lol

Always helps to put a name to it doesn't it !
Trust me you are not alone x

So can you have a disney mum? If so, i would like to nominate my DH's ex for 'Disney Mum of the Year'. I challenge anyone to beat her. Perferably with a stick.

BTW, "Disney Dad" is the polite name for it. I couldn't possibly repeat what I'm calling my OH when he's in full Disney mode LOL !

lol at matana - love it!

My DP's ex goes through phases of being Disney Mum - especially with DSD; they were BFF for a while, but over the last few months, there has been a lot more parenting going on

My exH has 50:50 care of DD and he is a total Disney Dad - his fiancée must really stupid tolerant to put up with it.

Ha thanx kaluki !!!
Yes is nice to put a name to it! I think its bloomin funny. I`ve never heard it before! but its soooo true.
My OH had his worst wknd with his DD 4wks ago shouting name calling arguing throwing stuff.She was hitting him (bearing in mind shes only 5) getting so angry she was going red/purple in the face with fustration.......

and low and behold after all this .... the next day my OH took his DD to toys r us and bought her some f*ing lego!!
GET A GRIP!!!! lol