Early Warning Signs of Disney Dad?

[Melrose79]

I have been seeing a (usually) lovely man for around 8 months. We recently introduced the children (he has a 12 year old girl who lives with him and I have a 10 year old boy who lives with me) at a soft play area. As soon as we got there DS ran off to play. His DD wandered off for 5 minutes and then came back and sat on his knee and said her ankle was hurting. This continued throughout until he got quite cross with her and literally pushed her off his knee telling her to go and "do something". She sulked off, 5 minutes later she came back, perched on his knee and said she was thirsty, throat was hurting etc - this time he cuddled her saying "awww do you need a drink? do you need something to eat? are you ok?" etc etc. The whole trip was like this. Anyway he called it a success. I secretely called it a wasted day but hey! anyway he invited DS and I around for dinner the weekend after. The kids went out on the trampoline and his DD also had a friend around. 15 minutes later his DD comes into the house crying and locks herself in the bedroom. Her dad immediately rushes upstairs to find out what had gone on. I go out and ask DS (and the other friend).

The gist of it was that she had said to DS "I read your diary and I know who you fancy!" - and they all laughed. DS then said "well, I've read YOUR diary and I know the name of the boy YOU fancy!". The other friend laughed. She didn't find this funny at all however and started shouting at him to shut up. DS being a 10 year old boy with an audience reminded her that she had started it and added "ooo shall I say his name?" and the other friend continued to laugh. This is the point where she ran in crying.

To me it sounds like childish banter on both sides. Her father says it's "classic bullying" and my DS should be "spoken to" and punished for it. I reminded him that it was in fact his DD that started the whole thing and he replied "yes but some people are more sensitive and your DS needs to learn that." I muttered something about people in glass houses and the night was cut short (my decision as this argument was not going to resolve itself and I refused to punish DS when he was simply copying her.

He's since contacted me as if nothing has happened asking when we're all meeting up again. I'm wary. Should I be?

That is exactly what DP was like. Ive seen him on his knees begging DSD to stop the tantrum, promising her she can have anything she wants if she justt stops crying!!
Instantly the tears dry up and she smiles sweetly - till the next time he dares to say no to her.
To be fair he is a lot better now but he still has a way to go!

How has he got better with it? just over time has he realised how he gets played?

He only got better when I gave him an ultimatum. We had such a terrible Christmas with his kids who ruined every day with their spoilt attitude to the point that my 12 year old son said he couldn't wait to go to his dads to get away from them, something he has never said before. I decided enough is enough and sat DP down and said I wouldn't have it anymore I said if their behaviour didnt improve by Easter when we are supposed to have them for a week then he would have to take them somewhere else. It took him nearly losing me to give him a kick up the arse.
He did see that they were out of control and I got him watching super nanny on tv and little by little he is a lot better at disciplining them and most importantly he sticks to his word with them now.
I do think they are starting to respect him more for it too. Kids need boundaries, they need parents to parent them and not be their mate!

yes i agree all kids need boundaries! they thrive on them. Makes them feel secure.
I think sometimes things have to get that bad... get to the extreme .. before anything gets changes. Which is sad sometimes!
And how come its always the women, with the balls, to say or do the ulitmatiums! flippin men. Need a chuffin rocket up their arse sometimes!!
Makes me mad!!

I'm definitely the stronger one in our relationship in lots of ways and I know that DP was miserable when he was on his own with the dc before he met me so the possibility of going back to having his kids all on his own all weekend (or week) without my sons or me to entertain them fills him with such horror that he will do anything I ask to avoid it.
I have always found that the saddest thing. the times I have spent with my boys on my own are the happiest times of my life. I crave precious time with just the three of us and he dreads it with his! Funny old life isn't it!,

Oh God. Think so carefully OP, before you commit to this situation.

Notadisneymum makes sense (at least for me.....she's given me spot-on advice in the past) and you could be setting yourself up for a lot of hurt on the end of his daughter's manipulative behaviour. She's only 12 but, it doesn't bode well.

You and your DS surely don't want to be walking on eggshells around this little madam for the foreseeable future? Poor you. Poor DS.

My situation is a warning: I met DH 3yrs following his wife's affair. Wife refused to give up her boyfriend (!) and they got divorced. I met his 3 kids some 18 months after we first started seeing each other. The youngest was 11 and "it" started right there and then. Her dad and I went out for 4 yrs before we married. We are very happy. I get on well with his eldest daughter (22) who's a delight and his son (21) who is ok with me but more I importantly, great with my 11yr old son from my previous marriage.

His youngest daughter is now 18. We always made special allowances for her....she was the "baby" and divorce is tough on kids. She was only 11, 13, 14, 16...... She was studying for exams, her mum was upset still about the divorce (which she instigated having had a long running affair). She has by turns ignored me, been verbally abusive, is horribly manipulative, ignores my son and has now not seen her dad (or us) for 6 months because he supported me when I made a more than reasonable request of her, which she didn't like. So, she is now punishing 'daddy' who despite his attempts to be in touch and keep communications flowing, is also flatly ignored.

I will rejoice when she goes off to Uni in Sept and hope she grows out of her horrid behaviour. I doubt it.

Please, get this sorted before you continue with this man.