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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Question for SM who have DC's with their DH/DP

32 replies

NotaDisneyMum · 12/02/2012 11:09

Did your DP/DH tell your DSC's mum that you were pregnant - if so, at what stage in the pregnancy, and what were his reasons for doing so?

I have suspected for some time that my exH fiancée is pregnant - he proposed, they are buying a bigger house and have just bought a people carrier; and yesterday, my DP saw her and said that it was pretty obvious that she has a bump (although admits he's a bloke about these things so can't be sure).

My DD (11) hasn't mentioned anything to me about it - she does hold back on this sort of thing though; she eventually told me that her Dad/SM had got engaged several weeks after the event.

DD spends 50% of her time with her Dad, so it's going to have a big impact on her life; but I don't know if she knows yet or not, and until she mentions it to me, I can't say anything.

OP posts:

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nenevomito · 12/02/2012 12:16

Yes, DH told her when I was 12 weeks, but we asked if we could tell DSD which we did. If she is pg then they need to tell your dd, even if they don't tell you.

Smum99 · 12/02/2012 12:54

We told dss and then told his mum after 12 weeks. DH's ex never told us, just waited for dss to say something. To be fair I was fine with it.

I'm sure your dd will be ok. My dd was a similar age when our child was born, she was initially worried about being pushed out but once the baby was here she was reassured. Sometimes 9 months can feel such a long time to a child.

purpleroses · 12/02/2012 14:14

My ex told me that he and his DW were expecting shortly after the 3 month scan. He told me just before he told the DCs, which I did appreciate. I think it's not fair to let the DCs have to relay this sort of really important information, esp if, like your DD, they seem to be sensitive about doing so.

Does your DD know if they are planning to have a baby? You could always have a general chat with her about her life with her dad and SM, and their plans to guage her views and knowledge about it - or make it easier for her to bring it up if she does know stuff she's not told you.

Could you raise it with you ex - either directly, or trying to slip into conversation - eg relating to big house/car? Or is that a big No?

flixy102 · 12/02/2012 14:27

DH's ex never told us she was expecting, it was obviously awkward for DSD as she told my DH when they were alone in the car i.e when I wasn't there. To be honest I wouldn't have expected the ex to tell us, it's really nothing to do with us as long as DSD is happy. We don't have any children together yet but I would only tell DSD, not her mother.

Original poster

NotaDisneyMum · 12/02/2012 14:47

purple that's a definite no - he's not told me about any of the changes

When DD told me that she'd been house hunting with her dad a couple of weeks ago, I asked him about it, only to be told defensively that 'they were just looking at options'. DD has since told me that they've had an offer accepted but are negotiating following the survey findings! I do wonder if exH will bother to tell me at all, even when they finally move - or if he expects DD to tell me where I should drop her off!

I would like to be able to support DD - there are bound to be changes if a baby arrives but if she doesn't want to tell me then I guess there's nothing I can do

I've always tried to keep ex up to date with changes in DDs life - clearly he doesn't feel the same way

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EdnaClouds · 12/02/2012 14:50

Dh told his ex wife early on. About 10 weeks. We thought it was the respectful thing to do and wanted to give her chance to get her head round it before we told dsd.

purpleroses · 12/02/2012 15:03

That's a shame.

Can you just be really upfront with DD? Eg - "so what's with that big people carrier your dad's just bought? Are they planning loads more kids do you think?" Or would she feel cornered and pressured if you did that? Is there anyone else that might tell you? (your ex's parents or something?)

flixy - as a parent, it is a big deal when your child gets a new half-sibling. It does affect you in many ways (eg - may well affect how your DC will split their time between houses in the future, amount of money you pay or receive, is likely to affect holiday/work plans around the time when the baby is due as most NRPs won't want to have their DCs in the delivery room with them, etc) I do think that you've a right to be told directly, and that it's not fair to expect children to have to tell their parents such big bits of news.

It's also the case that your ex is (by definition) someone with whom you used to have a relationship, and there was once a time when if you were going to have more children, it would have been with each other. It's therefore often emotionally difficult to watch them having more children with someone else. Not that they don't have every right to do so, but a respectful person I think would always inform their ex of an impending new half sibling for their child, rather than leave them to figure it out for themselves. Older children aren't always blind to these kinds of tensions between their parents either, so expecting them to carry the news is going to put a lot of pressure on them.

flixy102 · 12/02/2012 15:41

Purpleroses I should have made myself clearer about my situation, I am not a parent myself but my DH has a DD with his ex who he sees once a week with no overnight stays. So really, as long as his DD is happy, I'm not sure what her mother and step fathers lives have to do with me or my DH.
Obviously if we were to have a child together, then that may affect things more.

Original poster

NotaDisneyMum · 12/02/2012 16:14

flixy from your DSD perspective, her life has no doubt changed as a result of her mum having a child, though?

I understand that she has limited contact with her dad, but that doesn't stop him wanting to actively support her and help her deal with these changes?

There are also practical issues to consider - Who looked after your DSD when her half-sibling was born and her mum was (I assume) in hospital? I would prefer DD to be with me in that situation.

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flixy102 · 12/02/2012 16:26

Her stepfather or grandmother was, I presume looking after her but as she is almost 14 there isn't a lot of looking after to do iykwim.

Obviously DSDs life has changed since her new sibling has arrived but as long as she is happy, which she assures us she is, then there really isn't much else we can do. It was, after-all her mother and step fathers choice to add to their family and I trust them to have made the right decision for themselves and DSD.

Original poster

NotaDisneyMum · 12/02/2012 16:59

flixy - it's good that your DH trusts his exW to make the same decisions as he would regarding his DD

unfortunately, I know from experience that my ExH doesn't think about the impact of his actions on DD and it won't occur to him that she might find the arrival of a half-sibling or house move stressful and that it will impact on school work or other areas of her life.

I'd like to compensate for his lack of perception if I can, even arrange counselling or contact with a youth worker - but if I don't know what's going on in her life, I can't

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flixy102 · 12/02/2012 17:25

I don't think my DH would say that he trusts his ex to make the same decisions as him, but he recognises that he can't control how she lives or what decisions she makes in her life which may adversely affect his DD.

I know as the NRP he is out of the loop with regards most of the decisions in his DDs life, that's the nature of relationship splits I suppose. Saying that, I don't think that his ex should have chosen not to have another child just because it may have a negative affect on DSD, surely that can happen in 'normal' families too?

Original poster

NotaDisneyMum · 12/02/2012 18:10

flixy - I disagree, I think it is a NRP responsibility to protect their DC's from irresponsible/damaging decisions made by the RP.

While I agree that a parent should not decide whether or not to have another child based solely on the impact that it will have on an older DC - in an intact family, the parents will deal with the reaction/behaviour of their older child together, and regardless of whether or not their parents are separated, I think that a DC is still entitled to support from both parents.

I can't control my exH - but when his choices and behaviour affect DD, it is my responsibility as her mum to step in and limit the damage done.

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esperance · 12/02/2012 18:37

"I'd like to compensate for his lack of perception if I can, even arrange counselling or contact with a youth worker"

Am I understanding this correctly. You want your daughter to have a counsellor because she is going to have a half-sibling?

Original poster

NotaDisneyMum · 12/02/2012 18:45

No, not at all - not if her Dad is sensitive and handles it appropriately

But, if he behaves as he has done in the past, and been totally oblivious to the impact his behaviour has on her until afterwards (such as ransacking the former family home while she was at school leaving it empty in order to furnish his new flat, for instance) then it is likely that it will have a detrimental effect on her and I would like to put support in place for her, if needed.

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balia · 12/02/2012 18:49

You don't think there might be a teensy tiny chance that you are actually making a much, much bigger deal out of it than DD has/will?

EMS23 · 12/02/2012 18:52

My DH has told his ex of both my pregnancies when I was 8 weeks (so last week for this one!!). Mutually agreed with his ex we then told my DSS after the 12 week scan and will do the same again this time.

His ex also told him when she was then pregnant, just after we had our DD.

I think it's important and right that both parents have big info like that so they can support their child, answer any questions they may have etc.

Original poster

NotaDisneyMum · 12/02/2012 19:01

balia quite possibly - but knowing my ex, nothing like the song and dance he'll make of it in his clumsy, insensitive way

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esperance · 12/02/2012 19:07

Is there any way you can find out? mutual contacts?
or chat to your DD about somebody who is pregnant?
I realise that your DD keeps her cards pretty close to her chest but could you nudge it out of her?

Dee03 · 12/02/2012 19:19

Hi...my xp didn't tell me when his wife fell pregnant, but as I see her every day up the school I knew quite soon (her 5th)...but I didn't say anything until our ds (9) told me...the same when they got married, nothing mentioned to me at all,. Only knew because our ds told me..
It's all about respect I think, they don't have respect for anyone (whole other thread there)

NatashaBee · 12/02/2012 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

NotaDisneyMum · 12/02/2012 20:37

esperance I managed to nudge the fact that her dad had got engaged out of her - I suspected something was up, and just let her know subtly that I was happy to listen if there was anything she was dwelling on I found out later that exH had tweeted it for the whole world to see, anyway.

I'll not push her over this yet; we're all going to be at a family celebration next week (my family, long story) so if exH fiancée is looking pregnant, I won't be the only one to notice, and maybe DD will say something afterwards.

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purpleroses · 12/02/2012 20:47

Maybe you should check Twitter right now - see if there's any pregnancy announcments - after all most people tell the world once they're past 12 weeks and starting to show.

asithappens · 12/02/2012 22:06

well....we didn't have to think about telling an ex, so I can't answer your question directly - but we did put a lot of thought into when we would tell the DSCs. I didn't want to do it too early in the pregnancy - to be honest, I would have put it off longer if that had been possible. But we felt they should know before we told the extended family (and definitely before we made a public announcement). If there had been an ex to consider, i probably would have wanted to wait until just after we told the kids - because (no matter how amicable the relationship) i wouldn't have wanted the ex to be 'first to know'.

In my case I think I told one sister and my best friend...then nobody for ages, then (because I was going to see family at the holidays and wanted to be able to announce it) the kids, then the rest of my family and friends. I was about 16 weeks when we told the kids.

I guess the reason I am posting this, even though I can't speak directly to your circumstances, is because I am wondering about the possibility that your ex and his DP just haven't told you yet, and that you may still get that advance warning you are hoping for - just later than you would ideally like, IYSWIM. And some people do show quite early...especially if one is looking for it!

Original poster

NotaDisneyMum · 13/02/2012 08:14

It is quite possible that he hasn't told DD yet, I just hope that he does tell her before everyone else and doesn't expect her to be 'thrilled' if he announces it as a surprise to the whole family, including her, at the same time.

I don't think he'll tell me in advance though - there's too much history and he'll enjoy twisting the knife by preventing me from supporting DD the way I would like to

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