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Original poster

and breathe.....

47 replies

glasscompletelybroken · 06/02/2012 09:32

is it too early for wine?

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theredhen · 06/02/2012 09:34

What's up? X

Original poster
glasscompletelybroken · 06/02/2012 09:59

It's been a long weekend! You know that feeling - right up to the last minute it's a pantomime just getting them out the door for school.

OP posts:
theredhen · 06/02/2012 10:20

Oh yes I know that feeling. My dp spends two hours nagging them before school!

Original poster
glasscompletelybroken · 06/02/2012 10:34

I know all kids are like it but I had a system with my own which worked well. Now I have to listen to the awful carry-on with dsd's as DH won't put anything in place that would help it along.

My involvment is only allowed to extend to cooking, cleaning,washing....
My input as far as anything else goes is not required.

OP posts:
Gumby · 06/02/2012 10:36

That sounds crap Sad
coukd you have a word with dp & suggest you can help?
Is he always so pig headed?!

Original poster
glasscompletelybroken · 06/02/2012 10:46

He's not really pig-headed. When he was with his ex she controlled everything to do with the Dc's and he didn't always agree with her but had no say in certain things. Now they are not together it's important to him to be able to do things "his" way and I do respect and understand that.

BUT - it is hard to live with! I am much stricter than him and he is happy with his style of parenting and thinks mine is a bit harsh! He is entitled to bring his kids up however he wants but I do think that as I also live here I should have some say and that he could (occassionally), for the sake of my sanity, take on board some of my suggestions.

It is a fact that if he has to leave early and I get the kids ready for school they are ready early - just because they do know that I would actually take them in their pj's if they weren't!

OP posts:
scroogemcduck · 06/02/2012 10:49

this sounds awfully familiar Sad. We have a chart system where DSS is supposed to tick off all the stuff he does in morning (feeding fish, getting dressed, getting school bag together). I see that his Dad hasn't filled it in again this morning. It took him 40 mins to come downstairs today (DSS that is). Have a Wine OP

Original poster
glasscompletelybroken · 06/02/2012 10:53

Scrooge - It just infuriates me how little they actually do for themselves - DH gets their school bags ready. They literally have to eat their breakfast, get dressed, clean their teeth and brush their hair. How hard can that be?

We have used charts before a few years ago for bedtime but when I mention doing something about the mornings DH doesn't seem to want to.

Can I really have a Wine - already?

OP posts:
scroogemcduck · 06/02/2012 11:32

It seems unfair that since partners know how stifling it is trying to rear children according to one person's input only they then go on to do the same in their next relationship, doesn't it? Things did get better after we went to Relate to discuss parenting, but I always note that DH is happy for me to iron, clean, make sandwiches and hoover DSS's room, just not to have a say when it takes DSS farcical amounts of time to get ready (he is 12)
and yes you can have a Wine already. It is only virtual Wine after all, and I can't have one so you can drink mine for me, I'm 37 weeks pregnant and I already feel like I look after one baby with DSS. I love him very much, but he is very babied.....

Original poster
glasscompletelybroken · 06/02/2012 12:00

Ooh now I'm jealous you're pregnant. Hope it's all going well.

DH just has soooo much more patience than I do. I tell him I didn't have his patience with my own DC's so I'm not likely to have it with his. He does know it's hard for me but doesn't think he needs to change anything.

In my mind the purpose of bringing up children is to make them into independant adults but I just can't see how that is going to be achieved! They don't seen able to do even the smallest task on their own.

OP posts:
scroogemcduck · 06/02/2012 12:09

I know how you feel. It's important for me that DSS doesn't get laughed at at school for behaving like a baby and yes, my role to make sure he can find his own bottom with a map, but if I try any kind of discipline DH views it as punishment which will damage DSS. I don't know what to suggest - do you two discuss parenting much or has it become a bit of a taboo subject? it feels like I am treading on eggshells sometimes if I have to broach the subject...
Pregnancy going well thanks Grin though was meant to be at work today but have decided to work from home (translates as doss about). It seems your DSCs CAN do this stuff for themselves when they know it's your turn todo school run, they are just capitalising on their Dad doing it for them when it's not your turn? That's not fair on you - you're a person too....

Original poster
glasscompletelybroken · 06/02/2012 12:43

You're right - they can do it if they have to, but it is painful as they're not used to it. I thought we had made progress a couple of months ago with them actually managing to have a shower, get dressed afterwards and dry their own hair. Unfortunately dsd2 has regressed to not being able to work out how to get herself a towel and not being able to dry her own hair. She is so attention seeking she just wants her dad to be involved in every single thing she does!

I know it's nothing to do with me and I should just ignore it but after a full weekend of this level of incapability I find it hard to do that!

We do discuss parenting but he mostly thinks they are just kids and I should give them a break! he also likes doing things for them and genuinely doesn't mind their lack of self-reliance. Nothing can change as long as he thinks it's all OK. And maybe he's right? Just because I did it differently with mine doesn't mean I'm right - I do try and see his pov. (even though he is plainly wrong...)

You must have your bags all packed and ready now - very exciting!

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scroogemcduck · 06/02/2012 12:51

Bags all waiting in the hall Grin.
I don't know your exact situation - it's different here as DH has residency and DSS lives here full time, so it impacts on me hugely when DSS loses stuff at school, doesn't get bus on time, rips uniform, it's often me picking up physical and financial pieces. I also understand that DH is different personality wise, more patient, happy to let DSS be reliant, but surely there's a middle ground? Sometimes it feels like I don't get a say at all, but I sure as heck get all the worry when DSS can't organise his homework or hand in letters for trips, or get out of bed. . Step parents eh, who'd do it?

theredhen · 06/02/2012 14:07

My own experience is initially with my own son, who is hopeless in the mornings and also quite unorganised. However, I have always given him a strict routine and he knows to have his shoes, coat on, bag packed and ready before he can think about tv or the pc. As he cuts everything fine he leaves it all quite late, so usually just gets ready and leaves the house.

DSC are definetely morning people, rising at 5 or 6am every single morning, however, DP still ends up shouting at them in the mornings. He opens their curtains, picks up their clothes, makes their beds, picks up their towels, makes their breakfast, lunches etc. etc.

So I feel your pain.

liveinazoo · 06/02/2012 14:14

i feel your pain today..
normally the zoo hose are on the ball but noe this morning.its bloody icy and slithering along trying not to be late i nearly cracked.i dont drink wine but had hot chocolate and bin on the wine gums/sweet stash all a.mGrin

think dp needs to be on the same page with how things run.its so not fair on you having to deal the all out.

liveinazoo · 06/02/2012 14:15

Blushzoo house.but not his morning

Original poster
glasscompletelybroken · 06/02/2012 14:41

Scrooge - DSD's are here half the time. I do try and aim for the middle ground but feel like everytime we make a step forward it's shortly followed by 2 steps back!

I also feel like I get all the work and worry and none of the say. This weekend dsd2 had a friend over for a sleepover and DH went to work for a couple of hours. I didn't arrange the sleepover and probably wouldn't have as dsd had been off school earlier in the week and I would have had a "nothing doing" kind of weekend. But it's not up to me so I just get to mind them and cook for them and tidy up after them...

God I'm whinging a lot but it just did feel like a looooong weekend!

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scroogemcduck · 06/02/2012 14:59

Sad. I like this area of Mumsnet though, there's some very wise people here - I'm a long time lurker Grin. I hope your week gets better glass, it is very wearing sometimes isn't it....

Original poster
glasscompletelybroken · 06/02/2012 15:07

Luckily I do know my week will get better - lots of things to look forward to (though nothing quite as exciting as a baby!)

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scroogemcduck · 06/02/2012 15:12

I am very excited about the baby, so are DH and DSS actually, though must admit best if it doesn't turn up yet since the carpet fitters are coming next week Confused....Glad you have some nice things to look forward to Wink

Petal02 · 06/02/2012 15:20

?a full weekend of incapability? ? GCB, I can really relate to that!

Thankfully DSS went home last night, but it did feel like a VERY long weekend. We only have DSS with us for one school morning per week (Friday), but it?s chaos. He won?t get out of bed til the very last minute, DH is running round like an idiot trying to make sure he?s dressed properly, has remembered to wash and use deodorant etc etc. Then we have ?where?s my sports kit?, ?where?s my phone?, ?my phone isn?t charged?, ?where?s my phone charger.? By the time he gets downstairs, DH has usually laid out some breakfast things for him, but if he hasn?t (meaning the poor lamb has to dispense his own Weetabix) then he?s so painfully slow that no one else can use the kitchen at the same time. When I was that age, Mum would yell at me to hurry up if I were dawdling, but of course HRH cannot be shouted at or challenged.

I just stay out of the way. I also ensure my keys are safely in my bag, as DSS has been known to absentmindedly wonder off with keys, leaving me completely stuck. Of course, as he?s a step child there are no consequences or punishments for this.

I?ve been trying very hard to detach since Christmas, it?s my New Year?s Resolution.

scroogemcduck · 06/02/2012 15:42

it sounds very cruel, Petal, making DSS put his own Weetabix in the bowl....

Petal02 · 06/02/2012 15:49

I know, I'm sure we're damaging him in some way ........

Original poster
glasscompletelybroken · 06/02/2012 15:51

That's always my resolution Petal but I'm just no good at keeping my big gob shut!

last night dsd2 went upsatirs to get ready for bed and then came down calling for daddy - who was outside. I asked her what she wanted daddy for and she said she wanted to tell him she had got her pj's on. I said well clean your teeth and get into bed then - why do you need daddy? She said - Oh, I didn't know what to do next. FFS it's just getting ready for bed - happens every night, not rocket science, just GET ON WITH IT!!!

and breathe...

OP posts:
scroogemcduck · 06/02/2012 15:51

I expect you creep out and present him with shiny apples too, cackling 'take a bite from the rosy side my dear.' I'm sorry. It really isn't funny at all is it. And detaching works but it's so miserable because it means you end up lurking round upstairs listening to the pantomime that is 'getting ready', getting crosser and crosser but silently Sad