and breathe.....

[glasscompletelybroken]

is it too early for wine?

Oh I had to respond to that last comment. I've been giving the detaching a go since hearing all about it on here and have found myself silently fuming. I try to breathe in happy thoughts and breathe out its nothing to do with me, but sometimes i just want to get involved and bash the idiot useless father over the head with something very heavy. Then do it my way, you know the easy sensible way where there are respect, boundaries, consistency and organisation so the children know where they stand, feel secure and behave better. It's not that hard and it doesn't stop them loving their dad but will he listen, NO!

I know just what you mean, NAHN.

The only ?benefit? of detaching, is that DH and I don?t repeatedly come to blows over DSS. I tend to end up feeling stressed with a headache, probably because I?ve kept all the frustration inside.

However, occasionally I find that DH becomes less defensive if I leave things be; I honestly believe he knows he?s a Disney Dad, but he?s genuinely desperate to keep DSS on side, and I think he?s grateful when I let him get on with it. And when things relax at home, I?m more likely to be allowed to make common sense decisions.

An example is just recently, DH was working away during the week, meaning he couldn?t collect DSS on Thursday to start the access weekend, and had to collect him on Friday instead. This would normally have meant we?d have to keep DSS for an extra night to compensate for the delayed start to the access weekend, but as things have been relaxed at home in January, DH wasn?t being defensive and all ?Mummy Bear has to protect Baby Bear? over DSS, and we were allowed to have an access weekend that was 24 hrs shorter than usual.

And that was quite a big step for our household.

attempting to detach has been my approach for a while but it does emphasize the divide and I know my dh would prefer it if I just threw myself wholeheartedly into everything as part of the family. But that?s not easy when you don?t agree with how things are done and don?t have any ability to change it.

All this lurking in another room while inwardly seething can?t be good for your blood pressure!

I don't normally read over here but this thread came up on my 'Home' screen and I thought it was interesting. I'm sure this isn't the place for the psychology of step-parenting/being a step child but maybe the clinginess and neediness from the kids comes from being insecure due to their parents' split. I don't know how long ago that happened etc and it might have nothing to do with it, but I know I was disgustingly soppy with my dad for years because I was just so grateful when I got to spend time with him, and so scared it was going to end/he was going to go away and I wasn't going to have had every possible second I could have had with him. I'm sure I drove my step mum bonkers (though she must have been a mumsnetter as she never voiced any frustration to me so she must have been on these boards ) but it was just me being scared and sad and needing my dad. I expect it's pretty common for kids with the parent they're not living with? Where custody's split 50/50 I'd guess maybe not though? Anyway, just my tuppence and I'm not a step mum so sorry for interrupting

it's definitely true that a. my DH knows he is a bit Disney Dad and b. my DSS has suffered a lot, and that's made him unhappy, insecure and hence a little babyish because he's trying to cling on to the past. I try to keep all these things in mind . Petal that resonates about how you had a pleasanter outcome because you'd managed to keep calmer about things, it CAN help, just hard when you know everyday where the flashpoints are going to come.....

Hi PippaandPolly, nice to meet you! I take on board your comments that step children can be clingy and insecure following a divorce, but the majority of problems experienced by ladies on this site, are caused by the fathers not the children!

We suffer with Disney Dads (definition: a guilt-ridden, non-resident father who will go to almost any length to indulge his child?s every wish) who pander rather than parent, creating a very unhealthy dynamic within the household. You end up with a child who has adult-like status and often a stepmother whose status is below that of the stepchild. I call it Desperation Parenting. And this is where a lot of the resentment comes from.

As regards my situation, I could totally understand if DSS were sore about the divorce ? however it happened nearly 7 years ago when he was 11. He?s now nearly 18, and is still as clingy and baby-ish as when I first met DH. Whilst I?m no expert, I do suspect that this could have been managed better; DH has the very best intentions at heart, but IMO has been too busy pandering to DSS and has neglected to parent him.

There?s a lady who posts here frequently ? Redhen ? and it?s not her stepchildren who are clingy, it?s her partner. So you?re right that divorce certainly leaves some people a bit messed up, but it seems to affect the fathers more than the children ??..

That is well put Petal. For example I know that DH will be much more secure about disciplining his new baby when it turns up, I do not think he will have the same issues about upsetting/offending it. He's convinced that the divorce damaged DSS irreparably, but IMO some of the damage is caused by his failure to set boundaries and this leaving DSS feeling insecure. sigh

I feel all your frustrations. It has become so awful here that tonight I am planning to stay a night at a cheap hotel next time the skids are here - money is tight at the moment but it really is making me feel this awful. Truely awful. :-(

Don't feel guilty Stopthemadness - I often feel tempted to book into expensive hotels when DSS is with us, sod the cheap ones!!!! But joking aside, it's dreadful that some of us step-parents feel so under-mined in our own homes that we want to de-camp during access visits.

I often work later if I know DSS will be in the house (minus DH) when I get home. We have some evenigs when DH collects DSS from school, drops him at our house, then goes back to work, often not getting home til 7.30pm. So when I get home at 5.30pm, DSS is installed in the lounge, festering on the sofa, glued to the remote control, leaving me with nowhere to sit unless I go to my bedroom. And that really winds me up - DSS has a TV in his own room, but his presence still forces me to sit upstairs like you'd expect a teenager to do. The dynamics are really skewed in our house at times. The lounge almost becomes 'disputed territory' when DH is out; DSS knows that if he gets there first, that I'll stay away - equally, if I get home first, I stake my claim on the sofa, and then DSS retreats to his bedroom. Its crap to be honest.

oh that's true about watching TV. DSS will let me watch telly, but I always feel that it's done grudgingly . And about staying at work deliberately. I could come home earlier but sometimes I can't face the thought of it. I prefer to stay at work. How sad is that?

Scrooge - yes, it is sad. Sad that stepkids are given so much status and authority that the adults who pay the mortgage often feel like second class citizens. When we were kids, Mum/Dad would yell at us to get off the sofa and stop cluttering up the place - but DH would implode if I said anything like that to DSS ........

DH wouldn't implode, he'd just look sad, which is deeply annoying....Don't get me wrong, a lot of the time we are happy, but finding a balance as a step parent is almost impossible isn't it....I sometimes feel like DSS is accorded the same status as an adult, like you say. It isn't helping him, cos he has a massive sense of entitlement

AFter six years I still haven't managed to strike a balance - I've said this before, but the only role I feel is open to me, is that of a doting by-stander. I can't have any significant in-put, I can't challenge DSS in any way. The only contribution which is welcomed from me, is anything that panders or placates. And as it's not realistic to maintain the charade, I'm finding it better to detach. Which isn't ideal either, as I end up feeling miserable and detaching from DSS usually means detaching from DH too, and that's not what I want.

oh heavens, that sounds awful...not fair at all on you. Reduced to the role of bystander in your own home . Does your DH really understand how unhappy you are, do you think?

I wouldn?t say I?m unhappy (DH and I get on brilliantly when DSS isn?t around), I think ?frustrated? is a better description. It?s the frustration of having to (metaphorically) place a 6ft 17 yr old on a pink, fluffy cloud and let him float around in a totally sanitized and pro-DSS environment.

DH would never deliberately diminish me to a bystander, but he does it indirectly by not allowing me to have any say in the what/where/when of DSS?s visits. DSS calls the shots, DH is terrified of upsetting him. It?s not a situation borne out of malice, it?s DH?s desperation to keep DSS on side. I know it would mean the world to him if we operated like a ?family? but his desire to totally indulge DSS over-rides common sense.

I think I see what you mean. Is your DH worried that DSS will simply stop coming to see you both if he were to challenge any of this?
It's the same with me and DH, our relationship is lovely together, but his view of DSS is unrealistic and leaves me, yes, frustrated is the right word.

Scrooge, my dh just couldn't discipline DSS at all however he has an entirely different relationship with our ds, he is firm and can instill discipline - result is that he has an excellent relationship with DS. DH has tried to change his relationship with DSS but his is undermined by the ex so it is very difficult.

PippaandPolly, really good to have your input, I think I would react differently to DSS if he was clingy, I would understand that feelings but he isn't clingy at all just very used of getting what he wants, when he wants it.

Stopthemadness, I take myself away from the situation sometimes when the pressure builds too much - I would actually suggest every step parent budgets for it as it's essential. It's a win/win - I get the break and DH is so appreciative when I return home :)

?is your DH worried that DSS will simply stop coming to see you both if he were to challenge any of this?

Yes. And also he?s extremely protective towards DSS, often citing that he?s ?too sensitive to cope with minor changes of routine.? They?re both as bad as each other in some ways ? DSS is a big wuss, and DH is Mummy Bear, wrapping him in cotton wool

God help DSS when he gets to Uni, he won?t know what?s hit him.

Yes, Smum99, I do wonder how DH will interact with the new baby when it arrives. He's terrified of DSS simply walking away from us and asking to live with his Mum again.

It's just making me feel so bad. Like you all said I feel a complete visitor in my own home. They are rude to their Dad and he just takes it. They ask for things non stop even though money is really tight. They don't do a thing for themselves. I am spending the night before and day of their arrival dreading it, thinking of ways to get away. It's not right and it does not matter how many times I say this to DH, he says "oh I'll talk to them", "I'll make sure I discipline them".... then nothing. I can't believe it's got to this point that I am moving out of my own home for the evening. Very sad and lonely today

stopthemadness that sounds horrible for you. I've been to a hotel twice before, but now my eldest is 4 he wants to spent time with his brother and sister so I either go without him or stay. I've also got a 5 month old baby so getting out for the day at the moment is really hard, especially with the snow.
I dread them coming too, everytime. I can't even get them to wash without a long discussion about the merits of not stinking like a homeless person.

I just read the rest of this thread and phoned my stepmum to tell her I love her